So I have wanted to share this part of are life for a very long time, but it is only now that Maîtriser agreed to me sharing we you all. I am a girl who loves letters, both writing , receiving and reading them. It is a way that myself, maîtriser and the girls have kept in touch over the years, before i joined the family . It is now a way that we talk to each other when is something that we have needed to really think about. For Maîtriser it is a way to show how he feels and talk to us one on one. For Maîtriser and i it is are way of being soppy and loving , without everyone knowing!
The is something about the written word that really moves me on a lot levels . It can calm my mind, insist my curiosity and excite me. I think it is one of the things that made me full in love with maîtriser, the way he has with words blows me away every day!
So I am sharing a letter he sent me a few months back, after I had a melt down and was being vile. I had taken on way to much work, was trying to be more than I needed to be and refusing to ask for help. he left this by my the bed so I had it as soon as I woke up. (please bear in mind that I have translated this from French to English.)
Dearest little mouse,
Well what can I say little one you have done it again! I don’t know how one girl can get herself in to such a tizzy and that much trouble in the space of 3 days, but you some have done again! You know I have put rules in place for a reason, that I want to keep you safe and from harm, and that everything I do is done with love. It not only hurts yourself, but me as well, when continually put yourself down. You trust me and have excepted my guidance, yet you still don’t believe that you are worthy of being loved by people. Am I stupid or do you think you are beneath me? No , mouse you’re not. You’re my equal, my partner in crime and my special little one, who I adore.
You must understand that I am doing this so you see that you are worthy of being loved, so you can be all that you can and so you can stop these destructive thought and behaviour patterns. Unlike some punishments, I take no pleasure in doing this my love. This hurts me as much as it does you.
So, you know exactly what your transgressions are, I will list them, but keep in mind this not an attack, but is just me stepping in to look after my girl, ok sweetness?
• You put yourself down 17 times in 3 days.
• Your spoke with your mother, without myself or babe being with you.
• You allowed your sister to belittle you in church, by saying ‘oh she’s just a housewife’
• You refused to allow kitten to offer you comfort when she offered you a hug.
• You clean on Friday for 5 hours, instead of the 2 hours we had agreed
• You spoke in a raised and disrespectful way to your Aunt May and your friend Emit.
• You refused to eat dinner with the rest of the family on Friday and Saturday night.
• You ‘Forgot’ to ask for and take anxiety medication, when you needed it
• You went out and did not take your phone.
• You did not talk to me or babe when you were having a hard time.
• You were grumpy with little bear this morning and did not say sorry to her.
• You did not ask for help when you needed it.
It pains me to do this , but as punishment you are losing you free time for the next 2 weeks. You will be expected to let Babe or I know where you are at all times. As well I will be setting you a few goals that I want you to finish to a level that will make me happy and proud. We will be spending time as a family at home and at the open mic nights at the britaina, with the aim of getting you to relax and enjoy yourself. Billie will be coming 4 times a week for your English class instead of 2. also, you are to allow Kitten or little bear to help with your classes and admin. You are to give all 3 of the girl’s extra chores around the house. You are not to see your sisters, brother in-laws or nieces or nephews without me or to agree to Baby sit without asking me first. you are to shower with me every evening, your bedtime for the next 2 weeks is 10pm and you are not allowed out of bed in the morning 6.30 am. I want you to keep a food diary every day, do you pulse ox, peak flow and bs level 4 times a day. You will also be doing 4 training sessions with Steve, yoga every morning and swimming with me twice a week. You are to up your mindfulness exercises to 4 times a day as well. I will review this at the end of the 2 weeks.
Know that I only do this out of love little one, it is for your own good. You can’t see it, but you are suffering from trying to do too much for too many people. The is no shame in asking for help when you are struggling or for breaking down a little when things get too much. You do not need to be all things to all people. For now, I want you to take care of yourself, do as you are told and to make me proud, that is it, do you understand?
I will see you this evening little one,
All my love,
Well hope you enjoyed it,
Pixie x x x x