I have written, talked and raged against my depression and anxiety many times now . I have also spoken about physical health struggles as well. But over the last month or so I have Purposely tried not to talk about stuff like that. It was done for so many reasons . I am constantly not wanting to bring others down , not wanting to seem needy, never want people to feel sorry me, not wanting pity and knowing it is likely to loose me friends and followers. But I have woken this morning in tears again, and something has snapped. I need to speak about what is going on in my head, or I’ll become even more sad am doing things will and do get worse. So with maîtriser permission and wrapped in kittens arms I’m going try and talk about what is and has been going on in my head, it may come out i a ramble , but I have to do it or I’ll run mad. It’s not aimed at anyone or ment to hurt , but it is something I need to do and say, cos not saying stuff is and dose make me sick.
Thing that have been going on…
- my mother , who until we found out she had cancer I had not spoken to in nearly a year, has been asking for more and more things. From money , to help and support with her daily life and wanting to spend time alone with the twins. People think I should just let the past go and forgive my mother, but I can’t . She was abusive, neglectful and turned a blind eye to what my ex did to me.
- My daddy is getting worse, and I miss him. Again my father was not a great person, when he was ‘ sick’ , he beat me and hurt me, but I readily forgive him, as he was sick. But now 70% time he is not my old daddy, but the harsh, vile, poisoned tongued person his dementia has turned him in to.
- My sisters. I have 2 elder sisters that are beautiful, clever and talented. They are wonderful, but at times , well best way to put it is spiteful and demanding. They have both said I should be doing more to care for daddy as I’m not working and just home all day.But I can’t and I feel vile for not doing more.
- My health’. I’ve been really sick , massively sick and it frightens me. Or should that be the memories of being sick frighten the shit out of me and knowing that getting sick could leave my babies growing up without a mum , well it’s terrifies me. Combine that with the meeriories of pain, hospital and shear effort to much.
- My twisted logic, that I’m not good enough, for anything… Be it a wife , mother , friend , lover , daughtero, writer or blogger. I’m sure people get this too, but I seem to think it all the time at the moment. I also seem to think I need to be able to function better with depression and anxiety . That I should just fight it and push through it, but I just can’t. I can fight it , just keeping my head above water, but I’m doing just enough to keep myself going, to keep those plates spinning and those balls in the air. I wish I was a high functioning depressive, I really do , but I’m a I can just get out of bed and put cloths on kind at the moment.
- Death. In the last 5 weeks I have lost my great aunty molly, a good friend to cancer and another to aids relate illness. They have all impacted on a different level, but they have all been shocks and extremely upsetting . This in turn has left me realign in my tiny little world .
- People have attacked my family. Both Babe and Kitten have had people attack them on a professional level. Both have come back fighting , cos that is what we do , but it hurts them and the pain and upset it has inflected on them was not needed . It leave me hurting as I am powerless to protect them. If it had been a physical attack , trust me I would of ended people. It makes me angry , upset and unsettled . All I can do is hold them tight, love them harder than ever and prey no body harms them any farther.
- I sold part of my business. Ok so not a huge down side. I got good money and the person who I sold it to is amazing. But with it comes the fact I feel like I failed a little. I have to admit that after 3 months off having babies, the thought of leaving them to go to Belfast to teach my courses for 5days was Killing Me. It has made me questioned my self as a professional, a feminist and as a business woman.
All this has left me struggling to cope with my day to day life . I have start to get panic attack again and they are getting worse, trust me they are getting to point where medication is not helping and a couple have almost led to a full on anxiety attack. I know that the is only so much medication and I need to try hard to control my reaction to stress, I really do. But not being to able at times , has the knock on effect of making me feel less of a person . I also feel that having to make a medication to just be able to get through the day is a cop out. I mean I have to take a lot . I take 225mg of Venlafaxine, 45mg of Mirtazapine , 2 mg of Flupentixol for depression. I then take 3 10 mgr tablets of buspirone daily for anxiety and larzapam at veering dose for panic or anxiety attacks. I also have meds to help if I can’t sleep. I hate taking these, but if did not take them I can’t cope and I do stupid things , looked self harm and trying kill myself. It’s not a good place to be , but I guess it’s my life. Adding in to this I work with a therapist weekly and cbt monthly, as well as pain management clinic to deal with pain of Athriust and other condition. I have physio once a month and do daily stuff to keep myself moving. I have to use nebs morning and night to get my lunges clear and breath. Then I have meds to help my body work.
But the biggest thing that seems to be cursing me tears and pain, is a feeling of being an outsider looking in. A feeling of be disconnected from people and not fitting in. That I’m judge- for my physical and mental limitations. That others are these amazing clever, and I’m just this dumb girl, who people hate and don’t need. I seem to be able to read minds and that is simply not true, but I feel like purple will say one thing and mean another. Having an autistic disorder make this so fucking hard to proses . I just wish people could all be open and honest, with no faulse truths, lies and double meanings. I mean I don’t know how they do it, really I look at others and the fronts they put on day to day and I’m exhausted.
So what I’m trying to say is that I’m not , but it will get better , i don’t know when I’ll be ok. I’m pushung myself as hard as I can, fighting tooth and nail, to get back to an even quel , I’ll get there just not today . So treat me like pixie, remeber what I have said , approach with caution , handle with care, and I understand you might want me in your life at the moment. I will be ok, cos I don’t go down without a fight. I don’t want sympathy, feeling sorry for me , hollow words or anyone to try to fucking fix me. I want to be treated like me, people stand be my side , while I fucking fix myself and hold my sodding hand when I need it.