family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart

She is gone.

Late yesterday afternoon Maîtser got a phone call. IT was one of those where he picks his phone up, sighs, and hits the answer button. His bright “hello Sophie, how are you”, turned to him sitting up straight, white faced and saying in a hushed tone “oh god, when?”. The question I knew would be coming any day. He fished the call, turn to me and utter 3 words “She is gone”. Then wrapped me in his arms as the enormity of them hit me full force.

What happened? Who is gone? Who is she? You maybe asking, well she is or was my mother, and she has passed away, after a 6month battle with cancer. I knew she did not have long left and I knew she was very ill, but the was part of me that thought, no, she’ll never actually die. My mother followed in her mother’s foot steps of being a very stubborn and head strong lady, so I never really believed she would go. Cos she was so stubborn!

I have written about my mother and how badly we got on, or as maîtser says how brilliantly we did not get on. But I still loved her, even though I did not like her. She was, in her own way a very strong lady, who I can’t help but admire for what she achieved. But was at times a cruel bully, who looked out for number one. Who was spiteful and had a vicious tongue. But I still loved her, after all she was my mum.

What am I left with? How do I grieve? How am I meant to feel? Well I guess I’m left feeling a little numb, shocked, and kind of in limbo. I’ve cried, I got angry and I cried some more. I have talked about it, hugged my babies and eaten ice cream. The truth is although I’m sad and upset she is gone, but the is part of me that more than anything is relieved. She was so ill, and in so much pain that it must have been a happy release. (Cop out term I think).

But what it has done is make me so very thankful for the amazing ‘mother’s’ I’ve got in my lifer had. My nana, who raised me and taught me to love. Aunty May who inspire, Mother’s me, and pushes me to be a better me. My mother in law, who is like the mum I never had and who loves me like the daughter she never had. I am a very lucky lady indeed.

What it’s made very clear is that my baby girls and the little one in my tum, well they are never, ever going to not feel loved. Nope, never, ever, ever. It has made it so clear that all I ever wanted was my mother to love me and put me first. So as a relatively new mummy myself, I have sworn to myself that they will always be my priority. I know love is not all they need, but it’s a bloody good place to start.

I don’t know how I’m going to be in a few days, or months. What I do know is with the love and support of my family and partners, I’m going to be fine.

Hugs,

Pixie

9 thoughts on “She is gone.”

  1. Pixie you have my full admiration for writing this so soon after your Mum’s passing. My Mum died almost 9 years ago and I still don’t know if I can go there. Grief is so bloody complicated in any situation, but when you lose your Mum it seems to be a very specific subset of emotions that we have to deal with. Especially when you are a Mother yourself. I wish you all the very best in the coming weeks and months (or in my case years, I’m a bit slow and rubbish at processing shit stuff) as you continue to process and grieve. Floss xxxx

  2. Sorry for your loss. The more complex the relationship, the more complex the grieving. I am glad to hear you have plenty of people to support and look after you, especially for the first few weeks (which are usually the worst.)Sending you kind thoughts.

    1. Thank you Mr B ! As harsh as it sounds , I am so relieved. She was in so much pain and so Ill. I don’t think I realised how stressed it had made me.

      Pixie x

  3. Pixie my darling, take care of you first. Your lovely ‘new’ family will help you caring for the twins but be kind and patient with YOU. It is a lot to process, especially as your relationship with your mother is not a ‘textbook’ mother / daughter one. You will learn to cope, but never stop missing the person and grieving over some of the things you can never have back,. But yeah you will be a super-mum with your attitude: putting your children first and making them feel loved and treasured whatever shape their life wants to take. Hugs xx

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