family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart

Broken toes , round the sofa music and protesting.

Broken toes, round the sofa music and protesting.

I talk and write a lot about my upbringing in Ireland. It is something I am very proud of and only have fond memories of, for the most part. It wasn’t all happiness and fun. I grew up in the 80s and 90s, which was a know as the troubles. It was full of bombings, kneecappings. Fighting, conflict and hate. It was also filled with some of the most amazing things as well, the peace process, the healing and the rare old times, as my granddad would say. One thing that always burns bright in my mind was the music and the effect it had on me and the people around me.

My first real memories of music were either hymns sang at mass or the songs played and sung at home by my nana and granddad. Hymns where strict and ridged, or so you would of thought, but my granddad knew the rude versions and the wrong right words to to them. We got it to so much trouble from nana for giggling at mass. The songs sung at home, where a mix of Galic and English folk songs. Granddad had an squeak box box he would play and sing along to. It became known as the round the sofa music. That was played on birthdays, and we all danced round the sofa in my nana’s liviving room. A fine example is https://open.spotify.com/track/3u5NpNPMBH2yvFH9xY7QAI?si=2Gw2m91oRbmyNLgZsx7x7A.

When I got a little old I was taught to play the fiddle, piano and flute by my grandad, just not by reading music. This saw a shift in my musical education , I got to go to the pub with the men folk. I learnt about Irish pub music. Now a lot of you will think of rousing jigs and reels, and yes the was a lot of that, with the like of this https://open.spotify.com/track/3CeiAaccketdGMVcgzzxnK?si=JRSYWV0RRoewHbziLGKgsw But the was also a lot of songs that spoke of hard times ! That made me cry, and I’m not sure why, but they still do to this day. The best of which is https://open.spotify.com/track/7MNhqk7sBg5SmiimrJkKKZ?si=EZ1-D83nQV-HJcR7NxQGVw . I also have a lot of memories of my nana being outraged that I had been taken to pubs that had protesters in and the shocked look when I sang a verse of ordinary man. https://open.spotify.com/track/6tJ6bCzfrAZXjA9tKI9K9b?si=G5Em4dPWT_K_CUcXDYCbXw

When we move to the UK. I missed the music but tried to like normal and to forget my Irish side. But British pop music sucked and I got very into the wonder that is the chieftens a band my whole family adores and still do. The did very folky stuff like https://open.spotify.com/track/73ZueQ9WU6GBbo7oad5Yp2?si=mWZWXVhwQxCudbLr9zlJrQ and then very Irish pub stuff likehttps://open.spotify.com/track/0o16sIjjfhc2USqFhYSiHw?si=mIwXgAd_RHy8PA6tf-XOhw . The sort of stuff that you tap your foot so hard to that you brake a toe! (true story)

A so I arrive at today, loving Irish music and everything about it. The way it makes me smile, cry and want dance in one song. How it represents who I am and where I come from. I will leave you with a family tradition. If the ladies in my family go out drinking. At the end of the night the men are given hand bags shoes and glasses. We join-hands, lift up are voice and sing the parting glass, all as one! https://open.spotify.com/track/20TaREs9O69cWOp235J99v?si=uAt8UfOcQfmBleJ1b-DDdg

broken brained, family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart

It’s just how we role around here!

It’s just how we roll around here!

I’ve been sat doing a lot of thinking while I’ve been packing to go away on a business trip with a kitten. But I don’t think we’re normal in this family, and I don’t just mean odd, I mean bat crap crazy and stranger than a jumper in July.

What bought this sudden realization to me? A conversation twitter about how I had pack 4 pairs of unicorn socks and 12 pairs of panties for a 2-night trip! But then I also have pack 20 collars, 3 stuffies and a massive tube of lube. I know I’m not normal, and I’m fine about, no really.

I’ve never been what you call ”normal” and from an early age I was labelled ”special”. As a little kid I thought that was a great thing to be, but as I got older I found out that ’special ’ is not such a great thing to be. I was, in fact, a very scornful thing and meant that you were different. It relegated you to the same place as black sheep, funny uncles and those sent to the sisters of mercy.

As I got older it got changed from special, to special needs and I was know to be challenging. Now I should say that my special needs, were nothing more than being dyslexic and struggling to learn my 3rd alphabet. The challenging part was a form of ADD and the fact I was from a home with 2 abusive parents. But I was seen as the problem and got told to stop making excuses and buckle down. But I simply could not do it, being normal hurt, like I was being squashed into a mould that was too small. It had round edges and I had sharp, jagged points. It led to me acting out, getting kicked out of schools and very nearly getting sent to a youth offenders place.

Luckily my nana and my priest (I know right!) saw that I was different in a good way. My Nana and father Michael went in and batted for me, somehow managing to get me one final chance. I got sent a PRU and got help and guidance. I learnt to embrace my quirks, funny habits and being different. I learned that yes I am strange, odd and special, but that can be good and beautiful things.

So fast forward to today, and sure I’m still that odd, different and quirky girl. But I’m doing good. I am succeeding, living a happy and stable life. Sure I could clean for Ireland, I freak out if I have to sit by a bin and have a break down if bird flys over my head. But every day I get up, I know I make people happy, make them smile and make their lives a little bit better. Maister always says I’m his special girl, and that makes me so happy and proud, and I’m ok with that!

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart, Poly life, Uncategorized

Myth Busting – Poly and swingers’ addition.

 

So, I have a little bit of a bee in my bonnet of late about people judging me and my ‘poly ‘family’s life style choices. I think its more of a ‘oh well this is my experience of poly, so yours has to be the same’, sort of thing. But it has me thinking about the myths and bull squirt that surround the whole Poly / Swinger lifestyle. So, I put it out to the wonder that is kinky twitter and as always people jumped in to help! So, lets bust this myth in the bum, shall we?

“Polyamory and Swinging are the same thing.”- So I thought I would start with the sort of elephant in the room. Swinging and Polyamory are not the same thing. They have an awful lot of things in common, but also some aspects are very much not the same. If you look at it, the term means, then it sorts of bust the myth on its own. Polyamory is the ability to love more than one person at the same time. Swinging, is when either single or people in a committed relationship, are non-monogamous sexually. But there are a lot of grey areas and a lot of overlap. But I guess like all relationship and dynamic, they are both special and unique. They take a lot of trust and love to enter into and are not for everyone. There are those who say that swingers are out for sexual gratification and that all Poly people are in it for love and commitment, but again that is not true either. I personally know one swinger couple that have been together and had the same play partners for 15 years. What I personally hate is how both groups judge each other, it is just plain stupid. We cannot again try to get on and support each other and our lifestyle choices then, how the flip should other normal people begin to try and understand.

‘You will sleep with / fuck / play with anyone.’ – This is the thing I find really insulting. I personally am fussy about who I play with, as is Daddy and the girls. Thinking about everyone I know in the lifestyle, they are picky. My friend Amma, well she goes as far as running background checks on her partners. What I do know is that people in both worlds are very hot on protection, personal safety and consent, so that to me is a big Plus!

‘All they really do is cheat on their partners.’ – Palm forehead! I have been poly for 17 years and I can hand on heart say, that I have never cheated on any of my partners. I’ve been cheated on, by my ex, but he was a! $%£”^!. We as a poly family, tell each other who and when we play with others away from the family. We also have very clear guidelines on what cheating would be, basically anything we would not let the others do, without telling the rest of us. Lol we always talk, are open and honest. Maîtres says sometimes we talk things to death. All this boils’ down to, for us at least, is that there is no cheating if we all know what is going on, we are all happy with that and we don’t hide things from each other.

‘All swinger / poly is bi-sexual.’ – Again massively wrong! I am bi, but I would be bi no matter what, if it meant I was with just one person or many. Maîtres is poly, but he is not bi. If we play with another guy, then he will watch or sort of tag team. But I know a lot of poly groups that they both only find opposite sex partners attractive and they only have them as partners.

‘We hate monogamous people / want to convert them all.’ – This makes me angry as flip. It’s like saying all gay people are trying to convert all straight people. (Yes, I know some stupid people think that). I for one think if you are in a committed monogamous relationship, then wow! Like I would if you were in a committed poly. I think commitment is sexy AF! But thinking that just because someone is poly or swings means that they think everyone should be just plain dumb and rude.
‘We fancy everyone.’ – Oh the amount of times I’ve heard this! Its like saying that all women fancy all men. Its physically imposable to be attracted to everyone. Everyone has a ‘type’ and that still happens if your poly, swing, your bi, straight, or gay.

‘Everything we do is sexual.’ – Again, dah no! If we made everything sexual, I for one would be very board, get no work done and be homeless! Poly and swingers alike do normal things like cleaning the loo, cooking dinner, and paying the bills. Its not like a big shiny porn thing where the woman cleaning the bath ends up fucking the gardener. We are normal people too!

‘If your poly or a swinger, it’s never cheating.’ – Like hell its not! I know damned straight that if I was to fuck someone behind my husbands back or any of the girls then it is cheating. We, as do all Poly and swingers, have rules around about playing or fucking other people. Just because you have more than one partner does not mean that you are a cheater. My rules for other people are never do anything without the others knowing, always tell Maîtres where and what I am doing and never bring someone home without talking to the rest of the family. What I think this says about both communities is that we have the ability to trust and can communicate our feelings in a very grown up way.

‘We never get jealous.’ – Bull squirt again. Jealously is a very basic human feeling and all humans feel it at times. If you don’t, then you’re a bloody machine and lying about being human. I have 3 male partners and 3 female partners, and sometimes I get jealous about who is spending time with whom. One male partner is LDR and I get jealous about the women he might be seeing. I get jealous of Kitten seeing her ex. I even threatened to pee on Maîtres because his PA kept trying to be over friendly. But unlike normal people, if we get jealous we talk about it. See we are awfully grown up about things!

‘You don’t really love someone if you want to be with others.’ – Groan, Really!!! Well I love all my partners and I am committed to all of them. Hell, I would marry Kitten if I could. Love and life do not conform to stereotypes and normality is a myth in my mind!

‘All they do is have orgies.’ – As if! Dear Lord, not even orgies are what people think they are. I personally love when I get a little one on one time with a partner, its extra special. I would also like to point out a lot of the ‘orgies’ we have are just normal sex. People fart, stub toes, get cramp or sneeze like everyone else. We just do that with more people at once. Not all Poly people have more than one person at a time and a lot of swingers don’t like the whole swingers party scene. Its each to their own.

Well I hope that busts a few myths people!

Pixie x

bdsm, family update, Poly life, Uncategorized

Us.

Pixie has been nagging me to write for her for a long while. I say nagging, but it’s been more of a giggling prod in the chest, followed be begging and normally ending with pixie oh her knees and my cock in her mouth. Sorry as pixie would say over share. So today while my darling girl is laid up , pretty sick in hospital I thought I would take over her blog for a bit.

We as a family have of late had a lot of stuff to deal with, that is not anything to do with kinky, D/s or Poly . Working away, deaths of friends, Pixie health problems and bullies. We have also as a family, had to deal with some pretty small minded people, judging and being cactuses. (Again stealing pixie’s words) . leading a Poly life , that we don’t hide has never, is not or will it ever be easy or free from judgment. We all know and except that. What we don’t except is people making a judgement, think all polygamist relationships are the same, and without even asking us about are set up. It’s just rude and hurtful. We are open , not only to the possibility of new play partners, but to questions. So I thought. Would try and explain are take on things and are set up.

As any one who reads pixie’s blog will Know we identify as an Open Poly family, with a strong D/s Dynamic. We are also High protocol, with my girls having strict rules and high expectations of how they are to act. But above all we are all partners , with our own roles in the family and our on special bound to each other. We also are very committed to each other and live together. Choosing to share are lives and loves with each other.

So the part that we find people misunderstand the most is the Open Poly family part. So the ‘Open’ part, for us means that we are open to meeting and adding partners to are dynamic. Opposed to ‘closed’ to new partners. This does not however mean we play or fuck just anyone. Know we spend a long time getting to know new partners first. The ‘poly’ part refers to us being polyamorous. This does not mean we are always looking for a hook up, or fancy every person who walks the earth or that we are swingers. (Not knocking swingers at all, it’s just not what we are). To us it means we have the ability to love in a romantic and sexual way, more than one person. Are style of poly means we all have sex with each partner in are set up . ok so I’m the straight one in are set up, I’m not bi like my girls and other male partners. But I do love watching the girls play with the guys in are dynamic. The family part refers to are set up at home. We have chosen to all live together, it works for us and makes us happy. But we also have family that are none poly family. We say family, but they are friends we class as family. All of us have or had biological families that are strained or broken. So we sort of formed are own little family, of the people we love and wanted in our lives. The is also pixie’s Great Auntie May and Great Uncle Fred, who are sort of adopted grandparents to my girls, and they are a very good and calming influence on them. The is also my mama, who has become to pixie the mother she has always needed in her life, and pixie is the daughter she always wanted.

As for are D/s , well I will star at the beginning. I am the Big D or Maîtser to all 4 of the girls in our dynamic. Babe is a switch , who leans more to the top side of things. She is referred to a are little D or my second in command. She is the one the girls turn to if I’m not about. She is also the one who deals out spankings with a hair brush when pixie misbehaves????. We then come to kitten, again she is a switch, but is more of a bottom. She has also recently become pixie’s official Miss . Pixie has a tag and padlock form Kitten, that is sort of a sign of their commitment to each other. I think if pixie could be married to me and Kitten , she would. Truth be known, I would be more than happy for that. I know pixie loves me and I know how much they love each other, and have for almost 18 years. I would never dream of telling pixie to choose between us, that would be straight up cruel. Now we come to Little bear, submissive , who is known as the family little and brat. She also has a fiancé, who works abroad a lot of the time. He is her ‘daddy’ and switch top to pixie and kitten. Then we have ‘Big’ Steve. He is Dom , who join are dynamic recently. He is Dom / big to all the girls, except Babe. She and he are equals and sort of co-Doms. I personally love watching these two working my girls. Then we have Muss. His new to the family and is are LDR partner. Switch and will move between Dom/ Sub within are dynamic. Last put not least, is little miss mouse. She is submissive to everyone in are family except little bear, who she is sort of a Big S to. Bless mouse she really does not like being in charge or Dom in any form. Don’t get me wrong she runs the house, gets people doing what needs to be done and handles her work life amazingly. But ask her to tell people what to do or be in control of anything , and the will be tear and stamping of feet.

As I said are D/s is very high protocol, which I guess sounds a little scary to the outside of the world. It’s not really. It simply means I believe, as do the girls that you show respect for or dynamic, take pride in your Dominance or submission and want to make the others proud of each other . Protocols are there so we all know how to act and behave in any situation . I and the girls also have contracts with each other. Setting out rights, personal protocols and rules. They range from 2 pages for Mine and Babes , to 15 pages for Pixie. She always jokes that she has a copy on her iPad , but it’s not a joke, she really does. I’m going say here that pixie and my relationship is extreme, complex and her submission is complete. By that I mean that I have control over every aspect of her life. From what time she gets up, what she eats , wears and does in her day. It has taken a very long time to get to this point, and we sit down and talk about levels and rules at least once every month. But I will also say that it is not a TPE. All my girls have the right,to ask questions, disagree with me , if done politely and respectfully, and are free to have there own opinions. I also like my women to bite and scratch a little????

Within are D/s dynamic we have all sorts of rolls and labels, far to many to go into them in depth. But they include Dom / sub , sadist and masochist and CG/ little. We all have different kinks and fetishes , but we all have respect each other’s limits and triggers.

So that’s my take on us and the life we choose to lead. It’s not for all, it’s an extreme end of the poly and D/s spectrum, and like all relationships is unique. All we ask is you don’t judge us before you get to know us, have an open mind and ask questions .

Antoine, aka The Boss Man.

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart, social, Uncategorized

come back to me when your ready.

It must be one of the most heart-breaking things I have ever had to do, sit back, and watch someone I love, tear themselves to pieces, their heart breaking and their hole world crashing around them. I could run in and try to save them or fight away their demons for them. But that is not what they need or what they want.
I want to say it will be ok, it gets better, and it hurts less, with time. But who am I to know or think I have any idea what it feels like to them. True I know what pain feels like. I have had the emotional pain that was so sharp it took my breath away, that took over my life, aching so bad, and never going away. But telling some one to trust you when they just don’t trust anything, is not what they need. They need to learn to trust again in their own time and at their own pace.
I want to hold them and love them as hard as I can. But that would make them feel suffocated and restricted. They need space and time to heal themselves, to relearn how to be them and find what they need to be. So, I love them as fiercely as I can, from a far. Waiting for them to come to me when they are good and ready.
I remind myself of how I was when me heart was broken in tiny pieces and I thought I would never get my happy or self-back. I need to scream, cry and rage. I needed space, time, and compassion. I needed people to just carry on loving me for me. No judging, not telling me what to do or feel. I did not need someone to pick me up off the floor, but all the piece back in the right place and hold me together. I had to do that myself, I need to do that, and I need some to hold my hand, and to catch me when I fell again. I needed to fight my own demons, with someone stood by my side, encouraging me. it had to come from me.
So, I sit and watch, sitting on my hands. Loving, watching, and waiting for them to need me. but letting them come to me when they need me and asking for what help they need, when they need it.

 

For my Darling Emit, who without his courage and inspiration , I would be lost.

 

Hugs,

Pixie.

Ps –  give you Take me Home, By Jess Glynne.

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart

She is gone.

Late yesterday afternoon Maîtser got a phone call. IT was one of those where he picks his phone up, sighs, and hits the answer button. His bright “hello Sophie, how are you”, turned to him sitting up straight, white faced and saying in a hushed tone “oh god, when?”. The question I knew would be coming any day. He fished the call, turn to me and utter 3 words “She is gone”. Then wrapped me in his arms as the enormity of them hit me full force.

What happened? Who is gone? Who is she? You maybe asking, well she is or was my mother, and she has passed away, after a 6month battle with cancer. I knew she did not have long left and I knew she was very ill, but the was part of me that thought, no, she’ll never actually die. My mother followed in her mother’s foot steps of being a very stubborn and head strong lady, so I never really believed she would go. Cos she was so stubborn!

I have written about my mother and how badly we got on, or as maîtser says how brilliantly we did not get on. But I still loved her, even though I did not like her. She was, in her own way a very strong lady, who I can’t help but admire for what she achieved. But was at times a cruel bully, who looked out for number one. Who was spiteful and had a vicious tongue. But I still loved her, after all she was my mum.

What am I left with? How do I grieve? How am I meant to feel? Well I guess I’m left feeling a little numb, shocked, and kind of in limbo. I’ve cried, I got angry and I cried some more. I have talked about it, hugged my babies and eaten ice cream. The truth is although I’m sad and upset she is gone, but the is part of me that more than anything is relieved. She was so ill, and in so much pain that it must have been a happy release. (Cop out term I think).

But what it has done is make me so very thankful for the amazing ‘mother’s’ I’ve got in my lifer had. My nana, who raised me and taught me to love. Aunty May who inspire, Mother’s me, and pushes me to be a better me. My mother in law, who is like the mum I never had and who loves me like the daughter she never had. I am a very lucky lady indeed.

What it’s made very clear is that my baby girls and the little one in my tum, well they are never, ever going to not feel loved. Nope, never, ever, ever. It has made it so clear that all I ever wanted was my mother to love me and put me first. So as a relatively new mummy myself, I have sworn to myself that they will always be my priority. I know love is not all they need, but it’s a bloody good place to start.

I don’t know how I’m going to be in a few days, or months. What I do know is with the love and support of my family and partners, I’m going to be fine.

Hugs,

Pixie

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart

Cutting ties, saying goodbye and falling in love, again.

Well it’s been a funny few weeks at Beaulac towers, to say the least. For us this is always a super busy time of year, well it’s always a busy time of for us, but this has been silly busy. I have felt like I have been chasing my tail. But thankfully things are becoming calmer by the day, thank the gods!
The main reason things have clamed down are due to me making some massive changes too my life and the world I live in. these changes had to happen, after a mini break down that I had on the Sunday night after Eroticon. I woke at 2 am sobbing, sacking and panicked out of my little head. Thankfully I have a wonderful Dom and amazing subbie sisters, who no matter what the time of day or night are willing to sit and listen. But what was the cause of this break down? Well in a nutshell I was tired, over worked and stressed out. It was also the realistaion, having been at Eroticon for 3 days, amongst like minded people, relaxed and being my true, little self, that for the first time in months I was myself, happy and relaxed.
Not that I was not enjoying my life or thinking of doing stupid things, very far from it. But I had started to not want to work every day, losing the passion I have for my work and on some levels resenting it. I felt like I was missing the babies growing up, wanting to be with them over work. I was also missing being at home and hating the amount of time I was traveling. I had started to get tired all the time, grumpy and not wanting sex, signs for me that I’m going to be poorly with my depression again. My body was screaming that I needed to take a step back, but my head said that doing so was weak and that I needed to just keep going. But I just could not do it, physically, emotionally, or mentally I was done.
So, after a lot of talking, we decided that the best thing to do, would for me to step down from working as much. Going back to working with privet classes and 1 2 1 training and the rescue work I do. Thankfully my Boss was amazing and said that when I’m ready to go back to the would be a job waiting for me.
Another thing I have chosen to do is to step away from and cut ties with some of my family. I don’t hide the fact I don’t get on with my mother but keeping trying to be just too painful and stressful. So, I have stepped back from being so involved in her care. I have also decided to cut ties from my extended family. It’s a massive family and overall wonderful, but some of the people in it are vile. They expect to be forgiven for their sins and won’t forget other sins. Some of them of late have done things that are abhorrent to me. From fighting, to drinking and doing drugs, to theft and domestic abuse. I had to cut ties with those family members or I was going to start being vile back at them.
So, moving forward, I have been resting and reconnect with me. I have slept late, walked dogs, eaten proper home cooked food, and been silly with my babies. And I have been able to sit down and written, planned post, and decided in what direction I want to take things. I have made plans to do stuff and I’m working on myself again
I had to sadly say good bye to my uncle, who passed away from lung cancer. It was at his wake that I kind of said bye to a lot of things that had been weighing me down and I realised that being a mum is a bloody great job, that I love doing and I’m good at!
Having more free time has been great, and I have rekindled a love of crafting! So much so I am setting up a craft club for littles and kitten and I are going to look at setting up a little Esty shop, selling collars and things for littles that are discreet.
Well that is enough of a ramble, must be up early, were off to Amsterdam!
Pixie x

Eroticon, family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart, Poly life, social

The things I took away from Eroticon.

 

Well I thought I would join in with a post Eroticon post. I have limited myself, because if I listed everything I have taken away from it I would be here till next year’s Eroticon. (yes, that does mean I’m going next year and I’ve started saving already) So here goes.
. A goodie bag to end all goodie bags! Ok, so I had to start with the good bag, it was that good! Full of sexy and kinky little treats. Trust me, I love a goodie bag and with all the conferences I attended, I get through quite a few. But this one had great things that I / we will use. I got 2 mugs, one of which the Boss man has declared is going to work with him and little bear has called dibs on the other. But my fav thing of all must be a pencil, that one of the venders had burnt the outline of a naked lady on to. It will be going to college with me and will be my kink side, on view for the whole world to see, without being in your face.
. Became a published writer. Ok, so I sent a story into the anthology for Eroticon, and it got pic to be in it. Meaning that I came away with a story published in the anthology. I got a copy of the book at the event and have read it from cover to cover, and my what a clever bunch we are! I keep looking at it and crying.
. A new / free toy! The awesome Unihorn stardust clitoral vibrator from rocks off. I got talking to the lovely lady on the rocks off stand, and she asked if I reviewed toys? My answer was no, but it is something I have wanted to get in to doing for a very long time, well we all have really. So, she said if I came back at the end of the conference she would let me have the stardust and we could do a review. Well I did go back, I did get the stardust and I / we tried it out as soon as we got back to the hotel. Lol it in fact made me and the boss man rather late for dinner with his mother.
So now we have past the very pixie focused gains, let’s move on to the fluffier things I have gained, shall we……
‘Made new friends. on the first night, at the meet and greet I had managed to walk in to the holiday inn and was greeted by the wonderful Molly and Cara. Then I was introduced to Mr DomSigns and girl on the net. After that I did the normal me thing of trying to blend in and make myself as little as I could. However, having a bad case of baby / pregnancy brain I tried to this right by the coat rack! Luckily the was another lady doing pretty much the same as me, I think I bumped in to her and we got talking. After 10 minutes of people wanting to hang coats up and being in the way, we venture upstairs to the main room and got a set. This was a great move and we talked to people! Lol the lovely lady I made friends with on the first night, was the epic Sharron Atkinson, and we pretty much stuck together the whole weekend. To be honest, she was my saving grace. A fair few times I got panicked, sad and wanted to go hide, but she made me smile and talked to me. we sat together to eat and hung out in free time. I even talked to people and relaxed a little bit.
. Found out big fancy bloggers are real people – ok so be that I mean that bloggers who I follow and really look up to, are real people. They are flesh and blood. They breath, sneeze, and fart like us mere mortals. I even manged to talk to some of them without going all fan girl and silly.
. Had my belief that academics are approachable – Ok this down to the amazing Madeleine Morris. I sat in on both of her talks and was impressed by both. She speaks with such passion and knowledge on her subject, I was slightly in awe. I grow up in a family full of self-precelled academics, who I always felt as if I should worship them and be a little frightened of them. But at university I was blessed to work with legends, who were ‘Academics’ and changed my outlook on education and learning. But then over recent years, I sadly had people who were very much my first idea of academics, least of all my sisters. So, when I met Madeleine at Eroticon on the Sunday morning, in between napping with knobby and Elvis, and had 10-minute conversation about pollution, sinuses problems, snoring, my ex-husband, and plastic surgery, well let’s say I’m back to thinking that academics rock.
. That I can be sociable – Ok so I made it to the meet and greet, the conference and the Saturday night social. On my own, talking to people and not freaking out. I’m not saying it wasn’t hard and that I enjoyed the whole thing, but I did it on my own without the Boss man or one of the girls. That has not happened in a very, very long time.
. Got a kick up the ass – This was very much needed for me. My writing and blogging has been on the back burner over last month or so, and I had to the point of thinking of just stopping it all together. I was tired, mind body and soul. But being with other people, who are so excited by what they do, sort of rubbed off on me a little.
. Inspiration – I mean to say how could not come away a little bit inspired? I for one am breaming with ideas of things I want to do and try! Lol I have even started pestering sir beasty about writing again!
. Comfortable, being me – ok so this is one of the biggest things I have taken away from Eroticon. I got to be 100% myself. I was the collar wearing, little pixie. nobody batted an eyelid that for a lot of it I was sat cuddling an anxiety blob or sat on the floor or in some ways little. No touched me or tried to make me do things that are hard for me. I was accepted as me.
. Got my Sunday craft fix – To me Sunday is full of 3 things, Mass, Crafting and
Fucking. I went to Mass before the Sunday morning session and fucked in the evening, but I also got my Sunday crafting fix. Thanks to Andrew and Pixie of kinkcraft. Knobby even got a lush new collar! It was also made better by it being in a nice quiet room, full of lovelies like Candysnatchreiews, Kayla Lords, wriggle kitty and John Brownstone.

Now this is where I thought I would be closing this post, and I really was going to, but life is never that simple. The have this week been a lot of talk and chatter in this house hold, largely bought on by Eroticon. I had a slight break down on Sunday night / Monday morning, about a lot of stuff I have had going on. I’m not going to bore you with the in’s and outs of it all. But the have been some major changes in my life. I’m going to list the changes and I will go in to more details over the coming weeks, cos I don’t have the words yet to explain why they have had to happen. So here you go ….
• I have stepped down from all my jobs, bare my privet clients and rescue work.
• I’m going to spend a while enjoying being a mummy
• I’m going to be working on my blog and writing
• I will be doing more kink focused things
• I’m cutting ties with a lot of my family
• I’m having a proper holiday and visiting some of my friends I have not seen in a long time
• I’m going to be looking in to setting up an Etsy shop with Kitten
• We are going house hunting in New jersey.
So that is the end of a very rambling post!
See you all next year?!?!

Pixie x

broken brained, family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart, Poly life, social

Accident waiting to happen!

So, many people think they are the most accident-prone person in the world, right? Well I can without any doubt say that they are all wrong. I can even say I know who the clumsiest and most accident-prone person is, because it happens to be me! No really, it’s me.
I have been like it since I was a tiny kid. If I could fall off something, bump my head, brake, or drop things I did. I have no idea how I made it to adulthood. The first big and noteworthy accident happened when my sisters and I got sent to stay with my aunty Molly and uncle Stan on their farm in county Antrim. The was a loose slate on a roof of they barn, and me being, at the time the smallest and lightest of us, I got sent up to fix it. (don’t judge, this was in the 80’s and long before health and safety). well I got to the top of the ladder, shimmed along and just as I finished fixing the slate in place, I stupidly looked down and slipped. I throw out my hands to steady myself, throwing the hammer in my hand flying, and put my foot through the roof. I manged to get my foot out, and get back to the ladder, making my way down. Only to be greeted at the bottom by my aunty Molly looking cross and uncle Stan on the floor with broken glasses, a huge lump on his head and covered in blood. In my defence, who sends a child up a ladder to fix a roof?!

The was another time that I as on holiday on the south coast of England, in lovely little village called whittering. My daddy took me and my sister off to do a spot of crabbing. I was walking along a wall by the sea, lost in my own little world of fluffy unirons and rainbows, when my daddy yelled at me to look what I was doing. Slightly startled I turned to look at him but kept walking. Not looking where I was going, I came to the end of said wall and walked straight off the end of it. I don’t recall very much after that, apart from getting back to are tent, covered in very smell, sticky mud, and sore arm. Frog marched to the shower, by my hopping mad nana, and scrubbed clean, I remember saying my wrist hurt and felt funny. Nana when running to get my daddy and I was taken to A&E. after x-rays, a doctor said I had a displaced fracture and that it would need to be put back in place and then plastered. Daddy thought I would need to be asleep to have that done, but no, the doctor just pulled it there and then. Bloody hurt! My sister Sophie, still to this day takes the micky out of my over it by mocking the ‘Agrgh oww aghrrr’ that I apparently made when I fell off the wall!

I some how manged to get to the age of 16 without killing myself or anybody else. Then I got my first job working in McDonalds. (oh, the shame). Well I made through the first week ok. I was being trained on the grill and the manger was telling me about the ‘ansle system’ . it was, as I remember a fire extensor thing that you pushed if the grill court on fire. It would cover the grill and everything around it in a yellow powder. Well all was going so well when I stooped down to do up my shoe lace, getting up I sort of head butted the manager training me in the nuts, and stepping back in shock and horror, and bumped in to something with my bum. Next thing I knew the whole of the grill area, backroom and half the front counter were covered in yellow powder. Luck for me the manger saw the funny side to this and did not sack me. That’s not to say I did not have any more accidents, nope they still happened. I stumbled filing up the shake machine and poured 10 little of shake mix down my front, I got my hand stuck in the inside of a yellow wet floor sign and had to sit in the walk-in chiller till my hand cooed off and I could get it out. Oh, and I manged to knock myself out, by tripping and head butting a customer.

I decided to stop for the day with them after I sort of eltricuted a rather vile floor manager. I was putting the shake machine together one morning, when I need to get some more lube from the stoke room. So off I went to get it, but I only got half way before the was a big bang, a scream and the lights went out. Running back to the front counter to find said floor manger laying on the floor, looking dazed and confused, holding a burnt hand up. Turns out she thought I had finished, tried to pull a shake and something was exposed or stuck. She tried to push it back, but it decided to fiddle with it and got a shock, in every sense of the word.

As I moved on to university and things calmed down a little on the accident front. Sure, I set off the fire alarms in halls at least once a week and the were hundreds of times I got locked out of my room, but that happens to everyone right? I worked in shop in Camden market for a while and was asked to clean out the loft space with collige on Sunday. They went up first, followed by me. but I missed a rung of the ladder, slide down, hitting my chine on the loft opening, splitting it open. The ladder went flying, I fell flat on my face, knocking myself out and leaving said colleague stranded in the loft.

After university was done with and my working life started the accidents kept happening. I set fire to a bin in a workroom, I tripped, and head butted a window in a meeting room, and I dislocated a knee by kneeling on a very hard floor. When I made the move to working in the film industry, I took a lot more care, making sure I did not do a ‘Pixie’. I kept hurting myself to myself, I mean it’s not fair to inflict other people with unneeded booboos!

After my break up with my ex and the full out from that, well everyone wanted to wrap me in cotton wool, so I went through a good amount of time without hurting myself. But that was not for want of trying. I mean I was not allowed to use a razor without someone watching me, knives, and scissors where out of bounds and I was not allowed to shower with the bathroom door shut for a good 12 months. (If I sound flippant or blazed about this, I’m not, I promise. But the way I deal with trying to kill myself and the full out from it is by poking fun at it). But in spite of this I still dropped things, broke things, and got ouchies. My darling Maîtriser was one of the first people in my life to say “Pixie, you are just clumsy. You don’t mean it to happen, its just how you are built.”. He put rules to lessen the chances of my hurting myself, but also saw that being watch 24/7 was not helping me get better. So, he gave me free time and I was allowed a 20 min bath every day, with a closed bathroom door. I love him so much for trusting me and believing in me. (ok depressing part over)

Not to say I stop having accident altogether, but they are a lot less now. Well I did have a big one dusting. You see I was dusting the DVD unit thing in the living room. I was moving the sky box, thinning bob, tripped on the mat, knocked over the vase of flowers, and pulling the tv bizarre all at the same. Water went over the plugs and tv, the was a massive bang, smoke, and total loss of power. I still don’t know what or how ii did it put half my street was without and had to have generators for the weekend. I have also broken a dishwasher, 3 microwaves and a washing machine trying to fix things. So now if something is not working right I must tell Babe and let her fix it. I am also not allowed a posh phone like an iPhone as I have a habit of cracking screens or dropping them.
O you can see why some people say knowing pixie can be bad for your health. But the Boss Man says I’m just accident prone and he loves me for it. It just means he gets to look after me a little harder.

Well I hope that my Misfortune has made you at least smile,

Hugs,
Pixie x

Eroticon, family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart, Poly life, social

Where in the world is Pixie Heart?

So, I have been posting and been around, but not really been ‘Around ‘of late. By that I mean I have been a little distant, a little distracted and felt a little bit outside of things. It’s not the nicest of feelings in the world, hell it’s horrid, but it has been kind of unavoidable really.

Why? I hear you cry. Well for one I have been rushed off my feet getting ready for Crufts. I’m not only working and teaching at the event this year, but all my dogs are there too. Don’t get me wrong it will be amazing, it is amazing every year, but it’s a planning and logistical nightmare. My boss has been epicly helpful and said that the babies can work on the stand. Basically, they are going to be strapped to different people in their carries and used to itemise people to come say hello. Which they are going to love as they love having chats and meeting people!

Then we come to the Elephants in the room. The big nasty that is Cancer has struck my family. My Uncle Keith had been struggling with chest infections and breathing difficulties for the last couple of months and his GP finally sent him for a chest x-ray. It sadly showed that he had tumours on his lungs. Well after scans and biopsies, it turns that the is nothing that can be done. It is a very aggressive cancer, it has spread, and he has a matter of months left. Then the is my mother’s cancer. We had thought she was going to beat it, but sadly not. The treatment is not working, the is nothing else that will work, and she has 3 to 6 months left. Now I may seem a little like I don’t really care about the fact they are both going to die. I do, I care very much, but I don’t see the point in sitting round wailing over it. Cancer is a bastered of an illness, it has taken a lot of people I love. It kills people slowly and painful. The best thing I can do is stay strong, keep going and be there when people need me. I have a life and people who need me to keep going, not crumble in to a ball and give up.

I have a lot of good things in pipe line. For all the stress it brings I am looking forward to crufts. I get to see my friends and shop for my dogs! Then the is Eroticon the weekend after. Lol I’m treating it as a holiday. No husband, babies, dogs, or house work for a weekend, in London, on my own! Truthfully, I’m terrified, but I’m going if it kills me. It will be good for me on so many levels, I just have keep moving the worry and doubts I have about myself and my abilities. Lol the Boss man said if I get through it on my own I get 20 reward stickers. The 5 days leading up to Eroticon I am teaching secturely dog handlers. which is always fun!

The changes I made with the help of the boss man at the start of the year have finally started to make them selves know so to speak. I’m happier and less stressed. I’m sleeping better and coping with some of the crap that life throws at me. my health, is getting better and I’ve stopped freaking out if I get a sniffle or cough. My writing schedule is working amazingly well and I’m making time to write more than I thought I would. It is amazing that by giving the boss man more control and having a heap more structure in my day, how much happier it makes me and the more settled I become. I had some say recently that they don’t know how I cope with being in something that is so high protocol and that the rules I have are too restrictive for me to feel truly happy. but it is in fact the other way around for me. Without the protocols, rule, and structure, I feel lost, anxious, and deeply unhappy. What I have would not work for may people, but it does work for me.

Well that turned in to a rant rumble, but hay hum!

Pixie x