From the heart, Letters from the heart.

Letters from Maîtriser….

Maîtriser Loves setting me little tasks and jobs from time to time. They can be pretty much anything, from a fact-finding mission, to edging, to planning a special dinner for one of the girls or going and doing something new that is well out side my comfort zone. I adore doing things like that, truly I do. But sometimes they can push me a little too far and hard. Then I must stop and ask if we can ‘tweak’ them or if I can have help doing them. When this happened in the past I would beat myself up and think I was failing and letting him down. Maîtriser would tell me no, you’re not failing, over and over. But for me it was hard to take what he was saying on board, to trust it and believe it. Abuse and bulling in my past had left their mark not just on my body, but on my mind as well. So, he looked for ways to let me know he really did mean it. He knew that I have a love of letters and the written word, so he sat down and wrote me a letter. It was not long or full of declarations of his undying love. No, it was simple, to the point and straightforward. But it meant the world and did the job. I think it meant so much, as he took time out to write down his thoughts in way that made it clear to me that I was enough. It was also something that I could keep and look at every time I felt like I was failing, and I still do. I look at it and I’m filled with a warm mushy glow, a feeling that I’m doing a good job and that I’m enough. This is a copy of the letter, I’ve translated in to English, as he also makes a huge effort to write in Gaelic.

Dearest Little Mouse,
I want to say how proud of you I am, you have done such a good job of sorting out things at home and the way you have handled the changes has blown me away. Little one I know how hard it has been, and it means so much that you asked me to help you with them.
What does make me sad is that you think I’m cross at you for asking for help. Why would that make me sad or cross little one? Is it not one of your rules to speak up and ask to change task or alter them if they are upsetting you or if you are struggling with them? The Same goes for asking for help, I know it is so hard for you to ask for help. For to long you had to things by yourself and bare louds that were too heavy for one person to bare on their own.

The fact is it makes me prouder that spoke up and came to me for help. IT does not make you weak or less of a person for doing that. In fact, knowing how hard it was for you do that and you being a good girl and following your rules, well that take a lot of strength my darling, so much strength. You did with your head held high, not a sign of fear or shame. So why are you beating yourself up now my little mouse?
If anyone should be beating them self-up for anything, it should be me. For putting to much at once on your shoulders and not seeing yours were struggling. So, stop be mean to yourself and be proud of what you have done and just how far you have come.
And Mouse remember, your enough, your loved and you are mine.
All my love, always and forever,
Maîtriser

This is why I love him so much!

Hugs,
Pixie x

From the heart, Letters from the heart., musings of pixie heart., Uncategorized

letters from the heart….

At the weekend I celebrated one year of marriage to the most amazing man in the world. I don’t say this lightly , but I’m still here because of him. I meet him through Kitten when I was 18 . He was her Dom, but he soon became one of my best friends. He looked out for me when I went out on the fetish scene, guided me and offered advice . We remained friends even when a lot of people walked out of my life due to not being able to cope with me staying in an abusive relationship. are friendship never cross the line in to lovers till years later, although it turns out we both had crushes on each other. When I tried to take my life , and was stuck in hospital and it looked like I was going to be sectioned, he and his girls swooped in and took over. They helped me get well, worked on fixing my broken head and body and supported me till I was able to get back to work. He became my Dom, but the was no sex for the first few months. It was more of a way me have some control in my life and learning to trust people again. Then one night I got fed-up of being horny as hell and only having my hand as company , I crawled in to bed with him , and you can guess the rest!

It has been far from plan sailing. My mental and physical health still needed a lot of work. neither of us would use the L word for a long time. I have a very vivid memory of Sir Beasty joking that I was ‘his girlfriend ‘ and ‘where going to be together for ever’. This got my back up for some reason and I snapped back at him ‘his not mine to keep’ . I cried after that , and I was confused as hell why? Fast forward 6 months and thing were still going strong and I was content for the first time in my life. but things changed when I got a very drunk  phone call from the boss man when he was away for work, saying he loved and missed me. When he got home I was on the war path , and shouted at him ‘don’t you dare tell me ou love me if you don’t fucking mean it’ . little did I know that he would break down and say he meant ever word he had said and that he want an ever after, home and kids with me. after that things went from strength to strength for us and are little poly family.

then in late august 2016 I was in hospital with an infection, when he turned up with a goofy nerves look on his , normally cocky face. He then proceeded to get down on his knee and ask me to marry him. I was sweaty , messy and hooked up to drip and machines, but he managed to make me feel wanted and loved at my lowest point. So I said yes. He then announced he wanted to be married by Christmas! So as soon as I got out of hospital it was wedding prep and arranging at full steam. I’m really lucky to have had a lot of help and it was all sorted and planned with in 10 days. We married in Belfast on December the 6th last year.

Now I did not have all my friends there or much of my family . But it was an amazing day and I was blissfully happy . It was only this weekend past that this email came to light. He sent it to all are kinky friends who could not make it to the wedding. I read and re-read this and cried, so I thought I would share it with you all. (not meaning to be soppy or showy)

Dear friends,

It’s with a huge smile that I say thank you to you all. After 18 years of having my little mouse in my life , at first as a friend, then her protector , then lover , my sub , life partner and now wife, I can not imagine my life without her. You all know too well what she has been through with family, her health and what  did too her. I just want assure you all that from this point forward I’m going keep her safe , make her see how wonderful she is and know that not only I love her , but by so many others. It’s not going to be all smooth sailing, we all know she has health problems. But I will do the up most to keep her from harm. The girls, myself and my little h are so grateful that you are all part of are world . I want to thank my beautiful wife for teaching me the meaning of the words family, trust and courage, as they are the 3 things that she shows me ever minute of everyday. So I say raise your glasses to the Devine Mrs B! May she be in mine and your lives for many years to come.

Antoine Beaulac.

So that is why I love him so much and get all mushy when I talk about him!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

bdsm, family update, Letters from the heart., Uncategorized

Table notes.

As I have said in past posts, one of the things that makes are little poly family run smoothly is the fact we are super hot on the communication front. We talk loads , listen loads and never let bad feelings fester. We also use letters and notes a lot. I am for ever finding post-it-notes stuck to the fridge or my lap top with a sweet little messages from the girls. haha , little bear has even writes I love you in Marmite on sandwiches. So I thought I would share a snap shot in to are family life, by sharing the running note we have. It’s a reports pad that stays on the kitchen table and we add to it daily. So here I give you are table notes.

Hi, hello, hay!
So, I am Doing a big shop tomorrow, can you all please let me know if the is anything you need me to get? Little Bear do you need anything for lunch at work? (no, I am not getting you 12 boxes of pop tarts). Babe do you want me to get you something to take to work on Friday or should I bake you something? Kitten I have put the powdered PB and black olives on the list! Maîtriser please may I get some oil, so you could do my back please? (: anyway, off to work now, see you all later!
Mouse x x x x

Mouse – Would you be able to make a big chocolate cake for Friday or is the not enough time? I could also do with some Nespresso pods and some sesame seed and black pepper riveta please?
Just to let you know I will be late home tomorrow night as I have training and stock count to do): can you save me some dinner and I’ll heat it up when I get in?
Mouse don’t forget you said you would go with little bear for her check-up on Thursday morning. She needs to take a pee sample, and can you make sure she does not put it in a jam pot this time?
Babe x
Babe – I’m not silly, I know to pee in the pot the dr gave me this time! Last time I had to do one I was drunk): I am never going to live that down, am I? Shish!
Mouse – can I please have 3 boxes of pop tarts? Could you also get the stuff for pasta salad and coleslaw? oh and some of those brown sandwich things from warbitons? We also need the squeaky stuff to clean the shower with too.
Maîtriser – Is it this weekend that Steve is staying? Are we allowed to play? Can I please play with him, please??
Little Bear x x x x

Mouse – Yes you may and yes I will! Could you also get some shave cream please? Also I have left you some extra Money can you pick up some flowers and 3 bottles of red for me? My mother is coming to dinner on Sunday, sorry I forgot to say.
Little Bear – How come you were still drunk in the morning?!?! I think we might need a little chat later, don’t you??
Babe – Did you tell me you were working late or is this a new development? just a reminder that you agreed to stick to a 45-hour week, this will make it a 50-hour week.
Kitten – Did you book the weekend off work like I asked you to?
Maîtriser x

Maîtriser – How do you forget that your mother is coming to dinner on Sunday?! Not that I mind, I love your mother, but Steve is here on the weekend too! Are we playing? Pretty please, we’ve been good for the best part of a week!
Kitten – I miss you, you’re working too hard and I want to make you mew!
Mousse x x x x
Mouse – I finish tomorrow poppet and then we spend Friday together doing what ever you want! I have missed your mouth a great deal! 😉
Maîtriser – Did you want me to pick anything up from the city on my way home tomorrow?
Little bear – I have a surprise for you princess 😉

All – to clarfie – Steve is coming to stay for the weekend, he is here from Friday afternoon till Monday lunchtime. You are to make him feel welcome and are to behave like good little ladies! If Steve and any of you wish to play you may, but remember to ask first, understand?!?
Mouse – Sorry sweetness I forgot to tell you about mama coming, forgive me? She has asked if you would care to join her for lunch next Tuesday and also if kitten would like to join you?
Kitten – I here by order you and mouse to stay in bed till 11 am on Friday and you may play and do what ever you wish, but I want to know every little detail. Can you get some good bourbon please?
Little Bear – Enjoy your surprise little one you have earnt for doing so well at college and work, I’m very proud of you!
Babe – Can you Keep a close eye on those 3 little minxes for me please? You know I trust you and have permutation to discipline as needed. Hair brush and all!
Maîtriser x x x x

Yep , we are that boringly normal!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Letters from the heart., musings of pixie heart., Poly life, social, Uncategorized

Getting social!

Good evening Kinkies!

Just a little Pixie up-date! I now have a Fetlife account! I can be found here – Pixie Heart Blog. Still getting used to it but , doing ok-ish! So Come be my friend!

I’m also on twitter – https://twitter.com/PixieHeartblog

Also on facebook – https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100017854029220

So come find me and be social with me!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Ps – got a whish list too! https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/registry/wishlist/1PW44SWLT5CKA/ref=cm_wl_list_o_1?

Letters from the heart., musings of pixie heart., Poly life, social, Uncategorized

letter from Maîtriser.

So I have wanted to share this part of are life  for a very long time, but it is only now that Maîtriser agreed to me sharing we you all. I am a girl who loves letters, both writing , receiving and reading them. It is a way that myself, maîtriser and the girls have kept in touch over the years, before i joined the family . It is now a way that we talk to each other  when is something that we have needed to really think about. For Maîtriser it is a way to show how he feels and talk to us one on one. For Maîtriser and i it is are way of being soppy and loving , without everyone knowing! 

The is something about the written word that really moves me on a lot levels . It can calm my mind, insist my curiosity and excite me. I think it is one of the things that made me full in love with maîtriser, the way he has with words blows me away every day!

So I am sharing a letter he sent me a few months back, after I had a melt down and was being vile. I had taken on way to much work, was trying to be more than I needed to be and refusing  to ask for help. he left this by my the bed so I had it as soon as I woke up. (please bear in mind that I have translated this from French to English.)

Dearest little mouse,

Well what can I say little one you have done it again! I don’t know how one girl can get herself in to such a tizzy and that much trouble in the space of 3 days, but you some have done again! You know I have put rules in place for a reason, that I want to keep you safe and from harm, and that everything I do is done with love. It not only hurts yourself, but me as well, when continually put yourself down. You trust me and have excepted my guidance, yet you still don’t believe that you are worthy of being loved by people. Am I stupid or do you think you are beneath me? No , mouse you’re not. You’re my equal, my partner in crime and my special little one, who I adore.
You must understand that I am doing this so you see that you are worthy of being loved, so you can be all that you can and so you can stop these destructive thought and behaviour patterns. Unlike some punishments, I take no pleasure in doing this my love. This hurts me as much as it does you.
So, you know exactly what your transgressions are, I will list them, but keep in mind this not an attack, but is just me stepping in to look after my girl, ok sweetness?
• You put yourself down 17 times in 3 days.
• Your spoke with your mother, without myself or babe being with you.
• You allowed your sister to belittle you in church, by saying ‘oh she’s just a housewife’
• You refused to allow kitten to offer you comfort when she offered you a hug.
• You clean on Friday for 5 hours, instead of the 2 hours we had agreed
• You spoke in a raised and disrespectful way to your Aunt May and your friend Emit.
• You refused to eat dinner with the rest of the family on Friday and Saturday night.
• You ‘Forgot’ to ask for and take anxiety medication, when you needed it
• You went out and did not take your phone.
• You did not talk to me or babe when you were having a hard time.
• You were grumpy with little bear this morning and did not say sorry to her.
• You did not ask for help when you needed it.
It pains me to do this , but as punishment you are losing you free time for the next 2 weeks. You will be expected to let Babe or I know where you are at all times. As well I will be setting you a few goals that I want you to finish to a level that will make me happy and proud. We will be spending time as a family at home and at the open mic nights at the britaina, with the aim of getting you to relax and enjoy yourself. Billie will be coming 4 times a week for your English class instead of 2. also, you are to allow Kitten or little bear to help with your classes and admin. You are to give all 3 of the girl’s extra chores around the house. You are not to see your sisters, brother in-laws or nieces or nephews without me or to agree to Baby sit without asking me first. you are to shower with me every evening, your bedtime for the next 2 weeks is 10pm and you are not allowed out of bed in the morning 6.30 am. I want you to keep a food diary every day, do you pulse ox, peak flow and bs level 4 times a day. You will also be doing 4 training sessions with Steve, yoga every morning and swimming with me twice a week. You are to up your mindfulness exercises to 4 times a day as well. I will review this at the end of the 2 weeks.
Know that I only do this out of love little one, it is for your own good. You can’t see it, but you are suffering from trying to do too much for too many people. The is no shame in asking for help when you are struggling or for breaking down a little when things get too much. You do not need to be all things to all people. For now, I want you to take care of yourself, do as you are told and to make me proud, that is it, do you understand?
I will see you this evening little one,
All my love,
maîtriser X

Well hope you enjoyed it,

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x