From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail, Uncategorized

Me and my Collar.

Me and my Collar.
Collar within the BDSM and D/s scene can have many different meanings. From Protection and safety, to ownership and control, to love a devotion. They can be worn all the time, only when playing and sometimes only when with a the dominate. They can be a simple chain necklace, or a fancy ribbon collar to a more traditional leather buckle collar.

I am admittedly a little bit of a collar addict, as I love that I can have a different look or style of collar for different occasions. But I have 3 main types of collar I wear. Firstly, I have my day collar, that is worn most of the time. It is a simple silver chain that is joined in the front with a large sliver O-ring and a smaller silver on ring. The large O-ring represents Maîtriser and the smaller one is me, the are linked together like we are. I’m not allowed to take this off, unless it is a medical emergency. Next are what we call ‘Bedroom collars’. They are the ones I sleep in and wear if we are playing in the bedroom. They are simple ribbon and webbing collars that have a d-ring at the from and to larger ones at the back, that are used to close the collar, either with ribbon or a padlock. Maîtriser or Babe will change my day collar to my bedroom collar at bedtime and then back to my day collar when I get up in the morning. Lastly, I have my play collars. These are leather buckle collars. They are worn when ever we are playing outside the bed room, go to clubs, are around other kink friendly or when Maîtriser says he wants me to wear on. They all have locking buckles so one of my heart padlocks locks me in to them. The is a d-ring at the front that has one of my tags on it. My tags simply read Mouse, my pet name from Maîtriser. They don’t have owned or property of on them, as Maîtriser says he like people to know that I’m his willing submissive and that it was 100% my choice. 3 of my leather collars have spikes on then, this is my way of saying ‘yep I’ll talk to you but touch me without mine and maîtriser permission and I’ll bite!’ I also have a collection of charms and bells that I lave for my bedroom and play collar. The charms are to sort of change the look for my mood. The bells are for when I get in a strop and start stomping round. I get told to not make the bells jangle and in doing that calms me down. Although I do love the jingle it makes when I get fucked hard!

I have a few rules around my collars as well. They are:
• The only people allowed to change my collar are Maîtriser, Babe or Sir Beasty.
• I’m allowed to remove my collar if I must have treatment, scans, or medical emergency.
• I’m allowed to choose what collar, tag, charms, or bells I want to wear on my collar, but maîtriser must ok my choice and but the collar around my neck.
• I must not allow people to touch my collar without asking me and maîtriser first.
• When I’m having my collar changed I am to kneel and hold my hair out of the way.
• I can have an agree upon other change my collar or help me change my collar if maîtriser or babe are not with me.

My collar/s mean a lot of things to me. The are a sign of my submission, that I have a Dom and belong to him. It’s a sign that I am loved, protected, and cared for. It is some thing that brings me great joy and a sense of pride in myself. It makes me believe I am strong and that I am safe to be who I am. It is something that brings me a sense of calm and peace, and I draw strength from it. Lol my boss, who is kink friendly and knows I’m collared says, he can see how much my collar having has help me and how much it means to me. by the fact that when I stand up to teach or give a speech my hand goes straight to my collar.

Well that is little bit about my collars and what they mean to me. hope you enjoyed it!
Pixie x

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail

Protectors, guides, and mentors.

So, a few months ago kink craft had an article and podcast about protectors and their role with in the kink community. (John brownstone and Kayla Lords were guest on the podcast). It was a great article and had excellent points. It got me thinking about my own experiences of ‘Protectors’ and wanting to know other options of them I asked on Twitte what others thought of them. Well that was opening a big old can of worms!

People have a lot of very strong opinions of them, both good and bad. The general opinion was that most people who offer to act as ‘Protectors’, are in fact abusive predators and should be avoided like the plague. That some responsibility needs to newbies in doing their own research and being as prepared as they can be. That ‘protectors’ have more of a mentor role. That Doms and Subs new to the kink scene Could use a Mentor or a guide. And above all, always stay ‘Sane. Safe and Consensual’.
I personally hate the term protector or protection. Those terms making me think of the mafia or a brand of condoms. However, I do think that the is a place of protectors in the kink world. Hell, I don’t just think it, I see it as the responsibility of people how have been in the life style for a while to keep an eye on newbies and stand up to people who are likely to course harm to them.

Thankfully the kink scene has a few awesome people who do keep an eye on newbies and keep the A-holes at bay.
My first personal taste of a protector was when I met kitten and she took me to my very first fetish club. I was only 18 and at the time very vulnerable. It was that night that she introduces me to her Dom, a fresh faced 34-year-old boss man. (aww I forgot he was that young once). He sat and chatted to me, pointing out things and explaining stuff. He also introduced me to all the trustworthy and friendly people and pointed out the people who I should avoided like the plague.

We as a family have from time to time acted as a sort of guide to newbies. Showing people around, introducing them to people, explaining term and etiquette. Also pointing the A-holes and wirdos. (I have a picture of sir Beasty going ‘WIRDOs’ and ROTFLMAO’)

Us girls also acted as what I guess you would call mentors, but I would call it more of a friend and being open and approachable. We have all been around and active in kink, on some level for a lot of years. (Babe has been for 21 years, but I’m not saying she is old, just mature, and sexy as hell). We will take newbie subs under are wing, answering questions, explaining things, sharing safe and informative rescores and inviting them to come to events with us. The Boss Man has also acted as a mentor many times. He first got in to kink and BDSM when he was 22 and is 53 now. (his sexy as hell though). He does pretty much the same as we do but will also teach or show them how to use floggers and canes and the like.

Now I’m going to share the reason babe actively act as a mentor / protector. On a night out in a club in London in early 2006 the was a newbie male sub, who was trying to get in with the hardcore mistresses who put on a great show and had these amazing sub, who were willing to do anything. Well to cut a long story short this poor guy took GHB and went on to have a bad reaction, now that is bad part. The good part was a very well known at respected female Dom saw what had happened, had her 2-male sub to calmly move him to the side, then took it on her shoulders to take care of this poor guy. Make sure someone sat with him, made him drink water, got him food, kept him warm and went as far as making sure he got home and that the was someone sober stayed with him till he was sober. It really impacts on babe in a big way. I think it is one of the ways that make Babe the way she is as a Dom.

I’m going to say here that as a family we believe that if People in the BDSM, kinky and fetish Scenes want to be seen in a positive manner, they sold act and play in a responsible, none judgemental way. So why would they not wanted support and encourage new people and offer them protection.

As with anything in are little family we do things a little differently, cos we are us. Maîtriser always says that our safety and well being is the most important thing in the world to him. But the are 4 of us at home and he only has one set of arms and one set of eyes. So, we have rule and regs to keep us safe and to give him peace of mind. Are rules being: No going out after 10pm on our own. No going to pubs or clubs on are own. If 3 of us are drinking, 1 of us must stay sober. No playing in clubs with out babe with us. If in doubt, ask yourself What Would Babe do. (WWBD)

We also have a list of real world and online friends that act as sort of protectors for me and the girls. They are known as ‘pre-agreed others’ and are listed at the back of are contracts we have with maîtriser. The are there to keep an eye on us, but we can also turn to them for advice and guidance if we need it. This was added to are rules, not because he does not trust us. But we have had issues with other people in the past and we all wanted to feel as safe as we can be. The list is full of people that us girls and maîtriser feel we can trust totally

For me the whole safety thing has been huge part of my recovery from Domestic violence and has helped me to rebuild my life. I sometimes think people might see it as me going from one controlled relationship to an even more controlling relationship. But 80% of my rules are there at my asking. They are there to make me feel safe, and thus keeping me happy and healthy. Some of my rules: Who I can and can’t talk to. The amount of contact I have with my family. Social media, email and phone checked when ever maîtriser asks and that my blog is co by Sir Beasty. I asked for these as when I get sick I ide things and with these in place, the slightest sign that I’m getting sick, the boss man will step in and stop it getting worse.

So that is My thoughts and take on things. What works for me and the family, may not work for you, but it works for us. What I will say is you should always do your research, take your time to think, don’t rush. Stay sane, safe, and consensual. be careful who you trust. If something feels wrong in your gut, trust it, and remove yourself the situation. But above all safety first!

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life

Endless Possibilities – Being part of an open poly family.

So, I was sat moaning to poor Sir Beasty, about not having anything to write about and how I was one post short for my seven I needed to post this week. He said, ‘write about the possibilities of being in an open poly family’. (I think he may have been fed up with my moaning). But it hit me, I talk endlessly about the D/s side of are little family, but not so much the poly side of things. So, liking Besty’s idea a great deal, I decided to write about it!

Now first things first I guess I should explain are ‘Family’ dynamic a little. Well briefly the is 1 straight man living with 4 bi-sexual women. (I know he is a lucky man). At home we all classes each other as partners and we are pretty much equal, but we do also have are D/s side and that will always be part of a poly side as well. All of us girls are sub to the boss man and we are pretty high on the old protocol side of things, so of course this plays in to are poly dynamic. I’m also going to say that we do not class are selves as swingers. For us playing with people or fucking is not something we can do with out feeling an emotional connection with someone. Don’t get me wrong the is nothing wrong with swinging, but it’s not for us. (your kink is not my kink and that is ok)

Now leaving the boss man out of things for a minute, I’m going to explain us girls dynamic and how it fits in to the ‘Family’ When it comes to playing and sex. Babe is the family switch, she dates people away from the family, but is also a driving force behind a lot of are fun and play at home. Kitten, Little Bear, and myself are subbie with her and she is kind of second in charge. Kitten is sub and is free to date and play away from the family, but Babe and Maîtriser have the right to step in and stop her doing so if they think that it is harming her mental health. Little bear does Has a Daddy/ fences but is also Sub to maîtriser and Babe. She can date and play away from her family but chooses not to at the moment. Then the is little old me, I’m married to maîtriser and his sub. I don’t date outside of the family and I don’t play or fuck anyone else without maîtriser or babe being with me (ok so I can play with kitten and little bear). I do this through choice and not because of rules. It’s more the fact that I draw strength from having them with me and I feel more relaxed with them with me.

Us girls Go on are Girl dates and this is where we get to have some fun! We all love flirting, teasing, and getting phone numbers. We can kiss who ever we want as long as we have the other girls in sight. But the is no taking people home or disappearing outside. If we are drinking, someone (normally me or Babe) stays sober, just in case. Maîtriser says when we go for a ‘Big ‘night out it’s like we are hunting in a pack and the men and women of where ever we are going should watch out!

At home we fuck and play pretty much when and where we want too! If we ask maîtriser first. We also have people who join us in are kinky fuckery from time to time. In kind of a kinky sleep over (I don’t like the word orgies, they sound kind of dirty). The girls can also have people stay over, if they let us all know first, if they play safe and if the person understands and Is respectful of are set up. We also have rules around play and sex. We always stay safe, sane, and consensual. We don’t play if we don’t want to or don’t feel like it. If we bring anyone else in to playing with us, we all must agree. But above we never make each other feel awkward if we don’t want to play.

We also invited people to join us in D/s senses as well. Normally Dom / Switch males who don’t mind following directions, And Dom women who can do the same. We also have a lot of playmates who are Sub female, who’s Doms let them join in are fun and games. Now I mentioned ‘as long as they can take direction’ bit, well this is because Maîtriser is a big old vouarist and loves telling people what to do us girls. (one of the reasons he is known as the boss man). So, when we have others in sense with us he is normally sat at the side, getting his rocks of to us playing to are hearts content. The fact that we all have very naughty exebishunest streaks means that we a happy to play like this and make him proud.For me on a personal level, I find playing with other amazingly good for my self-esteem, but I need to know the person first and need to trust them. My ex would bring other women and men home and expect me to want to fuck them, but now I get to bring people I want to screw in to the mix and I can say no whenever I want. I prefer Maîtriser or Babe with me and I love being told what to do. But that is more my submissive side than anything else. Oh, and I am always looking for new playmates!

So, to us being part of an ‘Open’ Poly family really does hold a world of possibility’s and we love the little, twisted family that we are. So that is my take on it! What does Open mean to you?
Pixie x

Poly life, socail

Pixie’s 3-month challenge – Big Reward.

Pixie’s 3-month challenge – Big Reward.
So, I was trolling around Etsy looking for a birthday present for my sister, when I stumbled on the most beautiful folio case that I have ever seen. It comes in lots of pretty bright colour leathers, with stunning linings and it can be personalised with a name or stamp. I have fallen in love with it, but it cost a lot of pennies. The boss man said I could get it as a treat, but I don’t like just getting presents with out earning them. I mean I get a lot of treats and I am a spoilt little madam (: But I still like working for them and I love having goals to work towards. So, I asked for a challenge and him being my wonderful, darling frog rose to the challenge, with the help Babe. It’s loads of little tasks and gaols, for me to work towards and achieved. So, I’m sharing it with you!

Blog:
o Blog 3 times a week, every week.
o Take part in Masturbation Monday, Wicked Wednesday and KOTW once a month.
o Blog followers up 100.
o Schedule Question time for every Tuesday and a post of your choice every Thursday, at least a week in advance.

Writing:
o Write and pitch at least 10 blog post ideas over the course of next 3 months.
o Write the first part of ‘Alice’ Story series.
o Start at least one collaboration.
o English classes Tuesday and Saturday mornings.

Personal:
o Start back at the gym twice a week with Steve.
o Eating 1500 kl a day.
o Drinking 3L of water a day.
o Blood sugars Average 6.
o Course ideas Pitched
o No punishment for putting myself down, talking back or self-harm (scratching or picking)
o Attend Eroticon and Crufts.

So that is my challenge, watch this space!
Hugs,
Pixie x

Diary, family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, Uncategorized

Dairy 8/1/18 to 14/1/18.

Diary: Mouse
Monday 8th January 2018:4am: Sweet baby J! How much snot can two babies make? Every time I put one down the other cries or starts coughing. Hate this, I should be able to make them better.
7am – Thank you for bringing me tea! And thank you for offering to take the day off to look after them, but I’m a big girl I can do this. You have so much work on, it does not do for both of us to be tired! Love you x
7.45 – Aunty May has turned up with her knitting. She is making me breakfast and then told me to go take a nap, she also said she will sit with the girls while I nap. She has made a pot of tea, has her book and her knitting. When I tried to say I was fine, I got told to hush, eat my eggs and be a good girl. I’m being Domed by my 82-year-old aunty!
11.50am – Holy cow! I really was shattered! Being woken up with a cup of tea and told to take a shower and that lunch is at 12.30 is the best feeling in the world!
12.30pm – I think today is about just holding it together and not over thinking things! My head is not a pretty place to be today. So, I am not going to over do it or push myself to hard. Aunty May has made bonfire night soup and soda read, with proper butter.
1.30pm- Aunty May is watching the babies and I’m off to dump rubbish!
2pm- home and planning tonight’s classes! I am terrified that after 4 months of not teaching owners that my brain has turned to mush! Might have to extra meds tonight 
3pm – I have wrapped the babies up warm, got my hat, scarf, and gloves on. Bella and mad eye have their coats and harnesses on we are going for a walk, I need fresh air.
4pm – lord, that really did help! Blowy, cold, and damp, but it helped!
4.20pm – babies sleeping, so I’m doing 30 mins of writing!
4.45pm – Ok given up writing chatting with snuggles and Sir Beasty instead, much giggles to be had!
5pm- time to cook dinner, best steer clears of the garlic tonight!
5.55pm – Did you know this is the first ‘Dinner time’ we have all sat down to after a full working day this year? I do love that everyone turns up at 5.5o or so and we seem to spring in to action as a little family unit!
6.30pm – well time to get changed. Again, thank you for offering to come and support me at classes. But I need to do this for myself.
9pm – lesson done! I did it go me!
11pm – bedtime story, snacks and lights out. it has been a hard day, tomorrow will be kinder!
2am – great now they want Justine Bieber songs with their feed! You git!
Tuesday 9th January 2018: 5.30am – Mwah! Thank you for getting up with the girls and doing feeds and bums! I really need to stretch!
6.30am – so I’m having breakfast in bed with kitten, we have a secret mission for Sir Beasty! Maw-ha-ha-ha!
8.30am- so dressed and ready to go to my English class! Babies and I seem to of dressed the same today! Did you mean to do that??
9.30- Tiger have unicorn head phones again! I may have just bought 4 pairs. #sorrynotsorry
10am – English lesson time!
10.45am – Oh bum in a jock strap! Sir Beasty is on-line and wants to chat and I don’t want to be rude, but also, I need to do brain work!
11.20am – ok I may have eaten MacDonald’s fries, sorry!
12.30pm – Jeans, t-shirts and hoddies bought, now home for lunch.
1pm – Uncle Fred is here and has salad sandwiches! Lunch time companion!
2pm – stuffed! Babies down for naps, mummy is doing house work!
4-pm – house cleaned, tea prepped, and babies fed, burped, changed bums and back to sleep. I’m off to write in little space!
5.30pm – so you are waking me up with kisses was nice, but I wasn’t sleeping. Just checking for light leaks! So, you fancy a hand job before tea?
6pm – girls home from work and we are having chinses food cooked by you?! umm ok then!
7pm- you let me have veggie noodles and did them all safe and everything! Not that I’m saying this, but do you fancy cooking dinner in the nude sometime, we would love that! 😉
8.30pm – Clean Babies, fed and in bed! Bed as told, but can I write, story idea! Please!!!
11pm – Bedtime story and tuck in?! don’t like babe being away and little bear working nights!
Wednesday 10th January 2018: 6am – Yoga time! Stretchy Pixie time!!!
7.am – I don’t like not having little bear or babe here breakfast. It feels empty and I miss them):
8.30am – see you tonight x x x x. house work started kitchen and babies sorted. And little bear tucked up in bed. She looked little and tired):
9am- Ummm so let me get this straight, you want me and the babies to take Big Steve shopping for suits and to have lunch with him? Oh, Ok if I must!
9.30am- His got the big car! I have decided I want to be Tigger for the day! I bounced on stave and Sir Beasty!
10am – let me at them suits!!!
1pm- Good lord, that man knows how to shop! He got the twins gap hoodies and jeans! We are having Mexican food for lunch!
2.30pm- home from lunch, babies fed, changed, and tucked up for naps. That is where I’m heading now, before you grump at me!
4pm – blimey I was a tired Pixie pops! Little bear has woken up in a very good mood and even got the babies up. Found them sat on the floor watching TV together! Yes, I know but they looked like they were watching with her, ok?
5pm- Well that is babies fed, bag backed for tomorrow, lunches made, outfits laid out and washing on. Now for dinner!
5.45pm- You was nearly late! Go get changed or no dinner!
6pm – yes, I did you stake for dinner and yes, I made baked spuds, who does the food round here buster!
7pm- shower time with kitten, can we play please?
7.50pm – Thank you for sitting and watching big man, I do love that!
8pm – baby baths are such fun! Umm I do think we might be taking a few to many pics though, maybe?
9pm – Babies asleep, and yes, I’m off to bed!
10pm – I swear writing for an hour before bed helps me get sleepy as hell! Can we “cuddle” please, that would help me and kitten sleep!
11.30pm – holy fuck, I know kink of the week is anle , but FUCK! Oh and what the fuck got in to you!!! I’m going to have bruises for weeks and the teeth marks on my shoulder, nice touch! But now sleep? Please?
Thursday 11th January 2018:5am- Connie and Evie want to come and do yoga, no really they do and I might want quiet cuddles, is that ok?!
6.15am – have you got you sleuth pants on today?! How did I not hear you come down and start breakfast? Not complaining! Boiled eggs and avacrdo toast! Love you x
7am – kitten cuddles, baby bathing and hot tea!
8am – double checking my bag, for the 5th time. I am so nerves and nervous. Will you please look after my babies? I know you will, but love them extra hard for me? Connie likes to see Evie when she goes down for her naps and does not like wearing her mittens, but needs them on cos she is itchy. Evie likes cuddles before her morning feed, holding Connie’s foot when you do her nappy and like raspberries on her tummy once it’s done. You know all that right? They don’t like radio 4 or 1, but love radio 2 or Kane fm.
8.30am – Coffee money and a lift! Thank you x x x x
9am – here goes!
10.15am- Why are you sending me pics of you willy? And very rude exploit text? Need you knob now!
10.30am – Thank you for saying I can go calm myself down, but what if I get caught or something?
10.45am – Did it! Now I need to behave or I’m not going to do well in this class.
12.30- Lunch time. I’m going to sit in the outside seating bit. I know I should go and find someone to eat with, but I’m not that brave.
1.30pm – chemistry time!
2.45pm – Break time and phone call home. No, I’m not checking up on you, just checking in to see that your all ok!
4.30 – college over and done for the day! I did it, I really did it! Epp!
4.35pm – your bought my babies to meet me! x x x x x x x x x x x
4.50pm – do I have to take a nap?!!?
5.45pm – ok dogs bursting in on me to wake me up is great, Mad Eye farting and walking off not so great! Little shit!
6pm – Wow you did spaghetti and tomato sauce, yay!
7pm – Really, I must take a bath and put jammies on?!?! (:
7.30pm – I don’t like babe and little bear not being here): but I do like T.V and cuddle with you and kitten (:
8.45pm- Boobie, burp, bum, and bed!
9pm – I got old, I want to go to bed!
10.30pm – bedtime story, lights out and cuddles!
1.45am – oh Dear! We have a snotty situation going on in the girl’s room!

Friday 12th January 2018: 5.15am – thank you for getting up with me, so tired and needed your extra motivation to do yoga this time of the morning, after a night like that!
6am – Breakfast with the loving BDSM podcast! Yippy!
7.30am – thank for doing the babies so I can shower and get dressed. SOOO blinking tired!
8.30am – Babe is on her way home!!!!
9am – go to work already! If you don’t I’m never going to get this place clean and the ironing done!
10.30am – Bathrooms cleaned, towels on washing, sheets, and undies dry, hoovered, and mopped, not time for a snack and cup of tea!
11am ok living room time!
12.45 – Living room done, bedroom done! Not to play with babies and eat lunch!
1.30pm – babe is home, but she is so tired): made her a sandwich, cup of and sat her in front of the television.
2pm- have got babe to go bed, she looked done in for, so I asked her if she would please take a nap!
2.30pm- All the house work is done, babe is sound asleep, as are the twins. I am now going to sit and write!
4pm – Taking a nap myself now!
4.45pm – I really do love it when Kitten wakes me up with kisses! Little bear did the twins bottles and bums and babe is playing Xbox. The house is warm, full of noise and colour again. Simply makes me very happy!
5.30 pm – You’re a full 30 minutes earlier than I thought you would be! Go wash up or ill bite your bum!
6pm – Pizza and salad for tea is fabulous, add Bud light and I’m a happy girlie!
7pm – Shower time with babe! She even let me wash her hair and her back! She is ragged and tired, we need to love her a little harder for a bit sir. Seeing her family and Julie not being there is still so raw for the time being!
8.30pm – Babies first you monster, then sexy time!
You know how much I hate leaving kitten half way through eating her! 😛
9pm – Come on then big man, bring you’re A game!
1am – See your not getting old and still got it and some! You left marks on all 4 of us and I think babe need that. teeth marks on the inside of thighs is a nice extra and I love them! Sleep now though?
Saturday 13th January 21018: 6.30am – Thank you for letting me skip yoga this morning. So tired and sore. Right babies!
7.45- babies done, dressed, washed, hair up and ready for breakfast. Do you have to go to work?
8.15am – Right me and the twins are off to get the bus to my English class. Rahhh! I’m feeling super brave today!
9am – The building people are putting the hugest crane ever up and half the road is closed, and I’m stuck on the bus!
9.15 am – made it! Let the English lesson commence!
11am – can I get fries from McDonalds, please!!!!
12.30 pm on the bus home. tired and needy of rest!
1.15- home. babies fed, and bums done then lunch for this tired pixie!
2pm- You’re really missing out, all 4 of us are taking a nap together!
4pm – Where did you come from? Babies look so tiny when you carry them around! Why are you home so early?
4.30pm – Yay we are making homemade Mexican food for tea!
5.15- I did warn you about the chillies, silly head!
6pm- I love the fact I can feed the babies and dinner at the same time! Multy tasking or what! This is the best dinner ever, yours are such a good chef!
7pm- bath with the babies! Love this!!!’
8pm- babies sleeping! Time for cuddles in bed with my girls!
8.30pm – casualty, snacks, and beer! Rock and roll, we be!
10-pm so, your drunk! But not that I mind, means we get to listen to kinky books on the iPad!
12pm- you know they’re not even hunger or need bums doing. The cry, you pick them up and have a cuddle. Then full asleep in your arms!
3am – Mad Eye is at it again! With the add thing he seems to have taken to sleep in the door way to the girl’s room!
6.30am – how can you be so sodding chirpy, this time in the morning and no hang over! Thank you for doing the babies and letting me do yoga.
7.45am – So I have decided I’m not going to mass. I’m just not in the right frame of mind. Can we have a family day?
8am – little bear thought I looked sad, so got me jelly and cream.
9am – Kitten and I are doing lists of things we want to do next week. I have stickers out you have been warned!
10am – Babe is taking us all to hobby craft and I have £70 on my card cash account!
12pm- Whoop! I got barging’s and nice things! The babies liked pets at home.
1pm- home for lunch!
2.30pm – Have had lunch, done the 3 b’s, and now napping!
4pm – Blimey tired pixie pops! Babies playing with I be!
5pm – Pasta for dinner!
6.30- bath time, I think I have a cold):
7pm- turns out I really do have a cold!
9pm going to bed feel yucky!
10pm- Thank you for making me get up and have cold medicine, I know I moaned and whined, but I really did need it!
10.30pm – Bedtime story, cuddles and lights out. Thank you, x,

From the heart, Poly life, Question time., Uncategorized

And all at once I’m sad again….

I have written, talked and raged against my depression and anxiety many times now . I have also spoken about physical health struggles as well. But over the last month or so I have Purposely tried not to talk about stuff like that. It was done for so many reasons . I am constantly not wanting to bring others down , not wanting to seem needy, never want people to feel sorry me, not wanting pity and knowing it is likely to loose me friends and followers. But I have woken this morning in tears again, and something has snapped. I need to speak about what is going on in my head, or I’ll become even more sad am doing things will and do get worse. So with maîtriser permission and wrapped in kittens arms I’m going try and talk about what is and has been going on in my head, it may come out i a ramble , but I have to do it or I’ll run mad. It’s not aimed at anyone or ment to hurt , but it is something I need to do and say, cos not saying stuff is and dose make me sick.

Thing that have been going on…

  • my mother , who until we found out she had cancer I had not spoken to in nearly a year, has been asking for more and more things. From money , to help and support with her daily life and wanting to spend time alone with the twins. People think I should just let the past go and forgive my mother, but I can’t . She was abusive, neglectful and turned a blind eye to what my ex did to me.
  • My daddy is getting worse, and I miss him. Again my father was not a great person, when he was ‘ sick’ , he beat me and hurt me, but I readily forgive him, as he was sick. But now 70% time he is not my old daddy, but the harsh, vile, poisoned tongued person his dementia has turned him in to.
  • My sisters. I have 2 elder sisters that are beautiful, clever and talented. They are wonderful, but at times , well best way to put it is spiteful and demanding. They have both said I should be doing more to care for daddy as I’m not working and just home all day.But I can’t and I feel vile for not doing more.
  • My health’. I’ve been really sick , massively sick and it frightens me. Or should that be the memories of being sick frighten the shit out of me and knowing that getting sick could leave my babies growing up without a mum , well it’s terrifies me. Combine that with the meeriories of pain, hospital and shear effort to much.
  • My twisted logic, that I’m not good enough, for anything… Be it a wife , mother , friend , lover , daughtero, writer or blogger. I’m sure people get this too, but I seem to think it all the time at the moment. I also seem to think I need to be able to function better with depression and anxiety . That I should just fight it and push through it, but I just can’t. I can fight it , just keeping my head above water, but I’m doing just enough to keep myself going, to keep those plates spinning and those balls in the air. I wish I was a high functioning depressive, I really do , but I’m a I can just get out of bed and put cloths on kind at the moment.
  • Death. In the last 5 weeks I have lost my great aunty molly, a good friend to cancer and another to aids relate illness. They have all impacted on a different level, but they have all been shocks and extremely upsetting . This in turn has left me realign in my tiny little world .
  • People have attacked my family. Both Babe and Kitten have had people attack them on a professional level. Both have come back fighting , cos that is what we do , but it hurts them and the pain and upset it has inflected on them was not needed . It leave me hurting as I am powerless to protect them. If it had been a physical attack , trust me I would of ended people. It makes me angry , upset and unsettled . All I can do is hold them tight, love them harder than ever and prey no body harms them any farther.
  • I sold part of my business. Ok so not a huge down side. I got good money and the person who I sold it to is amazing. But with it comes the fact I feel like I failed a little. I have to admit that after 3 months off having babies, the thought of leaving them to go to Belfast to teach my courses for 5days was Killing Me. It has made me questioned my self as a professional, a feminist and as a business woman.

All this has left me struggling to cope with my day to day life . I have start to get panic attack again and they are getting worse, trust me they are getting to point where medication is not helping and a couple have almost led to a full on anxiety attack. I know that the is only so much medication and I need to try hard to control my reaction to stress, I really do. But not being to able at times , has the knock on effect of making me feel less of a person . I also feel that having to make a medication to just be able to get through the day is a cop out. I mean I have to take a lot . I take 225mg of Venlafaxine, 45mg of Mirtazapine , 2 mg of Flupentixol for depression. I then take 3 10 mgr tablets of buspirone daily for anxiety and larzapam at veering dose for panic or anxiety attacks. I also have meds to help if I can’t sleep. I hate taking these, but if did not take them I can’t cope and I do stupid things , looked self harm and trying kill myself. It’s not a good place to be , but I guess it’s my life. Adding in to this I work with a therapist weekly and cbt monthly, as well as pain management clinic to deal with pain of Athriust and other condition. I have physio once a month and do daily stuff to keep myself moving. I have to use nebs morning and night to get my lunges clear and breath. Then I have meds to help my body work.

But the biggest thing that seems to be cursing me tears and pain, is a feeling of being an outsider looking in. A feeling of be disconnected from people and not fitting in. That I’m judge- for my physical and mental limitations. That others are these amazing clever, and I’m just this dumb girl, who people hate and don’t need. I seem to be able to read minds and that is simply not true, but I feel like purple will say one thing and mean another. Having an autistic disorder make this so fucking hard to proses . I just wish people could all be open and honest, with no faulse truths, lies and double meanings. I mean I don’t know how they do it, really I look at others and the fronts they put on day to day and I’m exhausted.

So what I’m trying to say is that I’m not , but it will get better , i don’t know when I’ll be ok. I’m pushung myself as hard as I can, fighting tooth and nail, to get back to an even quel , I’ll get there just not today . So treat me like pixie, remeber what I have said , approach with caution , handle with care, and I understand you might want me in your life at the moment. I will be ok, cos I don’t go down without a fight. I don’t want sympathy, feeling sorry for me , hollow words or anyone to try to fucking fix me. I want to be treated like me, people stand be my side , while I fucking fix myself and hold my sodding hand when I need it.

Hugs,

Pixie x

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail, Uncategorized

oppsss I did it again, well sort of!

So I was meant to be sitting down and confessing to my sins , and I will , but something happened when maîtriser was handing out punishment and telling why I was getting punishment. I disagreed with him on a couple of points, and he actually stopped, thought about what I said, and agreed with me. Now to a lot of you this would sound like I was being blushy and naughty for not just taking my punishment and that maîtriser should have just stamped down on my disagreement . But we roll a little different here in the Beaulac  household. I do what I’m asked , without hesitation 95% of the time, no really I do. But I also have the right to ask questions if I want or need to and I am allowed to disagree with maîtriser and point out why I disagree. As long as I do it politely and respectfully . Most of the time , when I disagree with something we will sit down and talk about it, and nine times out ten , I see that I’ve got it all ass about tit. (no I really do!) But this time , well I got it right , and an apologue from maîtriser, and he never says sorry unless he means it!

But back to the fessing up part, So here goes again…..

  • I went out without a coat on and got court in the rain.
  • wore the wrong shoes out, getting wet feet in the rain and blisters.
  • I forgot to do BG levels 5 times in a week.
  • I refused Pain meds , when I needed them.
  • I refused sleep meds, When I needed them.
  • I exceed my step count by 1800 steps 4 days in a row.
  • I stayed up past my bed 3 days in a row.
  • I allowed my sister to speak to me in a rude and aggressive manner.
  • I listen to my mother and took what she said to heart.
  • I forgot to write in my diary 2 days in a row.

My punishment for these rule breaks are as follows:

  • Kitten will be testing my BG level 3 times a day for next week.
  • I will wear what ever maîtriser tells to, without questions  for the next week.
  • I have to Keep a food diary , on top of my normal diary for the next week.
  • My bedtime is moved to 9.30 instead of 11pm for the next week.
  • CNC is inforced for the next week.
  • I will do a daily mantra and extra  mindfulness for the next week.

The points I disagreed with were:

I allowed my father in the house without maîtriser being home. – Yes I did allow him in the house , but aunty may was here , the weather was very bad and he was locked out of his flat, meaning he could have got hurt. I also phoned maîtriser as soon as I could and asked aunty may and uncle fred to stay till you came home to take my daddy home. – It was agreed that these were fair points and that I missed out punishment for this rule break.

I did not eat all my meals and snacks on 3 days in a row. – I disagree with as I have been on very strong antibiotics and they have been making me really sick and tired. I skip snack and ate a little less , so I would not be sick and kept my medication down. – it was agreed that this was a fair point, but I should have asked for antisickness medication. So Although I should have told someone, maîtriser that he understood that I was feeling very unwell, so I am let off this rule break.

I shouted at Babe when she told my off for forgetting my phone when I went to the doctors. – I disagreed with this as I believe I only raised my voice and was extremely worried about my chest and asthma . She has even said that she judge her timing and impact of what she said. After speaking to Babe , maîtriser agreed that it was not as bad as he first thought, but I should of taking my phone no mater what, but he except worry over took my thinking. So I have been let off this rule break.

So that’s all of it , promise! maîtriser is also making me email all this to everyone, so yay! any way , I’m off to bed!!!

Hugs,

Pixie x

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, Uncategorized

Day 23 & 24 of the Submissivs Advent calendar, by Submissive Guide – Twinkling stars and lights & Spirt of submission.

So you may have noticed that this my last post and this one are going out on Christmas day. Things have been a little made round here for the last few day, and that is saying something! All the girls are done with work till the new year, we have Emit and Steve staying, my mother-in-law arrived yesterday to stay as well. I spent 7 hours in A & E with Steve , after he split his head open after fainting. Added to this that I forgot to get half the food shopping we needed and still forgot the carrots , so I had to do a emergency shop at 7.45 last night. Well yeah, it’s been mental. Then this morning Little Bear got the whole house up at 5.15 am to do stockings, I may be found in a corner asleep at this rate!

So on to Saturday’s activates, the focus of which was lights and stars , and how they can leave you in awe of their beauty and light. The first activate was called look at all the lights. The idea was for you to wrap up warm and take a walk around the area you live in and look at all the Christmas lights. The second was call , What awes you? . It was a reflection on what leaves you in awe around the winter session. Well I did both!

What I did was wrap myself, the babies and two of the dogs up , and went for a nice long walk round the local area to look at the lights. I used my alone time to do this, I get an hour a day that I can do what ever I want. it was amazing and really beautiful , if not a little cold. the most breath –  taking site had to be the light that come form the cathedral. Sat right in the middle of the town, on a hill and flood light. it is just stunning and always makes me feel like I’m home. As for what I’m in Awe of? well So many things. How loving and giving people are, my little poly family and what the boss man does for us all. Then is my great aunty may , at 82 she is still as feisty as ever and still kick butt when she needs too!

So on to Sunday’s activity and their focus, which was the spirit of Submission. It gave a famous quote , by Rumi ‘ There are a hundred ways to kneel and kiss the ground’ . This point of the quote for submissive is that the are so many different ways to submit. The first activity was to think about the quote and how you have shown as a submissive this year. the second was to think about the holidays and how it relates to your submission. I chose to do the first.

The were some hand little points to think about, so I have used them , here is what I came up with.

  • How has your submission shone this year? Well I have had a massively busy year, but I have now got to the point that I know what I am expected to do, without be asked to do it. I have also done nearly everything I have been asked to do with grace and a smile. I’m not going to say its all been easy, some of the things I have been asked to do have really push me out of my comfort zone, but I have done them. Properly the biggest thing for me is that I have actually spoken up for myself and also asked for help when I need it, which is something I have really had to try hard with. Are roles have also changed a lot this year. With the growth of the CG/l and the CNC parts becoming a very big part of life. I have also become a lot softer and more relaxed with myself, that has led to me being happier and more settled .
  • What can you d to enhance your feeling of submission in the coming year? Oh well that is a tough question! Well I have asked that I am allowed to wear my proper leather collar more, so I will know be wearing that at home in the day time if I’m on my own. I have also hand over a lot more to maîtriser over the last few months, and I would like for us to step things up a little more , I’m just not sure how or in what way. a few people have suggested TPE or Master / slave dynamic , but that would not work for me, as I can’t ring and ask to be allowed to go to the loo , I need to be able to think on my feet. I mean I run a business, have 7 dogs and 2 small babies!
  • Where are you in your Journey? Are you stuck at a fork in the road or are you traveling on easy street? How would you describe your current situation? Well I would say I’m happy, settled , in love and proud. I think maîtriser has got me to a point that I am kept guessing what is to come, but it does not make me anxious or to off kilter. I hope and pray that things remain this way for a long time to come , but I am sure that , we as a family can deal with anything that comes up!

Well sadly that is the end of my Advent Calendar! but maîtriser has decided that his going to be giving more bloggy-woggie-do-dah challenges in 2018, So YAY!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail, Uncategorized

Day 21 of the submissive's Advent Calendar, by submissive guide – Volnteerism is next to submission.

Well good evening my pretty little things, how are you all today? I’m a happy but tired little pixie, with a nagging feeling that something is about to go wrong. Babe is home, so the house is settled and functioning better. Emit being here is amazing, I’ve missed him the last few months. Very sweetly , babe did chore list for today last night. Emit being signal , submissive and with no Dom in his life, babe asked if he wanted a chore list as well. He jokingly said yes, only to be handed one this morning! its nothing major on it , mostly helping me with cleaning stuff and moving the big things . but its made him and us happy so it’s all good!

So today’s focus was volunteering, and how it helps you connect to your submission. The first activity was to volunteer at a local homeless shelter or a nursing home. The second activity was to donate , if you did not have time or could not get to a place to volunteer . I needed to be at home for a large part of today, waiting for some things to be delivered so I went for the later idea.

I started of this morning by going through my airing cupboard and seeing what towels and sheets that I could get rid of to a local Greyhound rescue. (it also means I’m allowed to get new towels in ikea in the new year!) We all decided to donate some clothes to the salvation army, so we have had a good old tidy and sort through cupboards. Even the boss man did this, or I did for him (I asked first and know what could go) . Then I had a brain wave, I have a lot of books that I have read and are gathering dust. maîtriser buys me books as rewards for getting good marks, or doing well at work or for trying extra hard. I find English really hard , but love reading , so maîtriser say’s books in English are a reward and a little challenge all in one! So I asked if I could donate 20 books that I have read to our local cancer treatment center, and it got the thumbs up. We even donated some jigsaw puzzles and board games as well!

So what have we gained from today? Well apart from the warm fuzzy feeling of doing something nice and helping other people. I got to feel good about myself and made maîtriser proud of me. It has kind of inspired me to want to volunteer to do stuff in the in the new year. I think I might offer to do some training at the local greyhound rescue . I have also looked up to see if I could knit stuff for the local NICU that the girls were in when they were born. We have also decided as a family are going to do some found raising for something, just not sure what yet! So watch this space people!!!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail, Uncategorized

Day 20 of the Submissive's Advent Calendar, by submissive guide – Christmas Cookies.

So how are we all today ? Been busy? Over worked? well I’m sending you all lots of love and hugs! Today has been an epic good day for me. I have Babe home and my friend Emit is here for the Holidays!

So today’s activates focus was Christmas Cookies, or focusing on the smaller picture and Christmas traditions. Not the Big and Clever christmas traditions. It was time for us to hull up in the kitchen and bake Cookies . Well that was the first activity , get all the stuff you need to make a batch of your favorite , none fancy pants cookies. The second was to use store-bought cookie dough and cookies , warm them up and sit bake and enjoy! We had extra time , all us girls and Emit fancied a spot of baking and well it was cold out so we did the first activatiy !

So we actually spent half and hour all together tiding and clean the kitchen. We got the puppy play pen out and tuck the babies behind it in their snuggle pods. Then Babe made a pot of tea. we found the latest Guilty Feminist Podcast, and little bear went through the cupboard to see what Cookies we hand the ingredients to make. we went with my nana’s chocolate chip Cookies and Ginger farling. It was really nice to actually show and explain to little bear how to make them. I really love passing things on to someone who really loves what I’m showing them. As for the rest of us, well we sat around , caught up on what is going on in each others lives and just relaxed. No big fuse, no need to think of the bigger picture , just being with the people we love.

So that was our afternoon , look forward to seeing what tomorrow brings,

Hugs ,

Pixie x x x x