broken brained, From the heart

Me and my mother, we have issues…

Well as you might have guessed this is not going to be a kink filled post, nor is it written by a happy little Pixie. A tired, tearful, and struggling pixie writes it, but it is something I need to sit and write about. If I don’t I may run mad or explode. It is written by a girl having to deal with feelings that she does know how to handle or know how to react to them. TI is coming off the back of one of the hardest days I have ever had to deal with.
So, what is it that has me so tied up in knots and left me reeling? Well this morning I got a phone call from my eldest sister, say that my mother had been taken in to hospital and that I needed to meet them at the hospital. Now this in its self is worrying and upsetting. But when you know how sick my mother is and that she is dying from cancer, well you get an idea of how frightened I was.
Getting to the hospital I was met my sisters, was lead trough to majors and confronted with my mother, looking tiny, lost and very sick. its then my sister dropped the bombshell, mother dearest is on her last legs, about to shuffle of this mortal coil. It hit me like a ton of breaks, but it also bounced right off me. I was in shock and numb. I have known for a long while how ill she is and that she was going to die, but I never thought she would do it! Please don’t think I’m being flippant or cruel or naive. As you will guess from the title, mother and I have problems, big, ugly problems.
We have never been close or ever got on. After I was born, she had to have a hysterectomy, meaning she could not have any more children. She desperately wanted a boy, and I put a stop to that. I have always felt that she held that against me or blamed me. She went back to work a mere 10 weeks after my birth and was never around as I grew up. I was lucky to have a great nana, who raised me, but I never really had my mum. My sisters are much more my mothers cup of tea. Both are whip smart, beautiful, and driven. I’ve always been timed, arty and a homebody, not something she liked, and made it very clear she did not like it.
As I got older she did things that hurt me very deeply. Almost continual verbal abuse and putting me down. She bullied me in to doing what she wanted and how she wanted. She also expected me to cheer my daddy up when he was low and left me with him in hospital after he tried to take his own life. She left me in his care when he was manic and ignored him hitting and punching me. when I found out I was pregnant a 16 she frogs marched me to the doctors for a termination. I went to university because she would not except me not going. But I dealt with it, with therapy, time, and love from people I trust and love.
However, the are things I won’t or can’t forgive. She knew my ex husband was beating me and knew how bad things were but chose to keep quiet about it. She blamed me for the break down of my marriage, when I tried so hard to fix the problems. She tried to turn my sister’s angst me when I tired to take my own life. But the biggest thing by far is her denying she had an alcohol problem. I should forgive and forget, but I just can’t. So, I have chosen to member and recover.
But now she is about to leave, I don’t know how to cope or deal with it all. After everything that has happened, after all that has been said and all the nasty things she has down, I still love her. I don’t like her, but I love her, she is my mum. Nobody told me how I should feel, or act or cope. So, I’m left trying to cope and come to terms with all that is going on.
I’m not looking for sympathy, well wishes or kind words. I just needed to get all this out, so I can start to deal with it. So, I will leave it there, and sleep on things or try to.
Pixie x