broken brained, family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart

It’s just how we role around here!

It’s just how we roll around here!

I’ve been sat doing a lot of thinking while I’ve been packing to go away on a business trip with a kitten. But I don’t think we’re normal in this family, and I don’t just mean odd, I mean bat crap crazy and stranger than a jumper in July.

What bought this sudden realization to me? A conversation twitter about how I had pack 4 pairs of unicorn socks and 12 pairs of panties for a 2-night trip! But then I also have pack 20 collars, 3 stuffies and a massive tube of lube. I know I’m not normal, and I’m fine about, no really.

I’ve never been what you call ”normal” and from an early age I was labelled ”special”. As a little kid I thought that was a great thing to be, but as I got older I found out that ’special ’ is not such a great thing to be. I was, in fact, a very scornful thing and meant that you were different. It relegated you to the same place as black sheep, funny uncles and those sent to the sisters of mercy.

As I got older it got changed from special, to special needs and I was know to be challenging. Now I should say that my special needs, were nothing more than being dyslexic and struggling to learn my 3rd alphabet. The challenging part was a form of ADD and the fact I was from a home with 2 abusive parents. But I was seen as the problem and got told to stop making excuses and buckle down. But I simply could not do it, being normal hurt, like I was being squashed into a mould that was too small. It had round edges and I had sharp, jagged points. It led to me acting out, getting kicked out of schools and very nearly getting sent to a youth offenders place.

Luckily my nana and my priest (I know right!) saw that I was different in a good way. My Nana and father Michael went in and batted for me, somehow managing to get me one final chance. I got sent a PRU and got help and guidance. I learnt to embrace my quirks, funny habits and being different. I learned that yes I am strange, odd and special, but that can be good and beautiful things.

So fast forward to today, and sure I’m still that odd, different and quirky girl. But I’m doing good. I am succeeding, living a happy and stable life. Sure I could clean for Ireland, I freak out if I have to sit by a bin and have a break down if bird flys over my head. But every day I get up, I know I make people happy, make them smile and make their lives a little bit better. Maister always says I’m his special girl, and that makes me so happy and proud, and I’m ok with that!

Masturbation Monday, musings of pixie heart, Poly life, social

That time in the carpark, For Sir Beasty.

We, as a family are high protocol, but we are quite relaxed about them a lot of the time. However, the are 3 places that maîtriser does not allow practical to be relaxed at all, the bedroom, clubs, or the gym.

The Boss Man is a little bit of a gym rat and takes really good care of himself. In turn he expects us girls to take care of ourselves. When we are at the gym we are to do are workout or training. Quietly, correctly and without drawing to much attention to are selves. Phones are allowed, but on silent and no taking of selfies.
Well imagen if you will a day when this little pixie was feeling a little bit brassy (shout out to Kayla Lords and John Brownstone for my new favourite word!). I had thrown a strop, well as good as I can throw a strop about not wanting to go to the gym and wanting to stay home and cuddle.
The Boss Man was having none of that, nope he dragged my whiny butt to the gym and told me to quite stropping or else. So, I did, but I decide to send boob pics to Sir Beasty. Something I can do if I ask maîtriser first, but I didn’t ask!

Well 5 minutes later my phone pinged loudly and then rang even louder. I squeaked, jumped, and dropped my phone. Scrambling to pick it up and turn it off. I managed to kick over my water bottle that just happened to have the cap of and the contesens went all over the floor.

Hearing and seeing all this, the boss man sauntered over, clad in his grey sweat pants, pleasingly tight blue t-shirt, and trainers. Looking pissed off beyond belief and with a wicked glint in his eye. He snatched my phone out of my hand, scowled through it, and shoved it back at me with a growl. Turning and walking off, but not before he said, ‘you’re working out with me now little one’. Words that send fear straight to my heart when I misbehave and we are at the gym. I grab up my things and scurry after him, and then the punishment starts. He makes me not only run, but do my legs and core work out, demanding perfect form and execution. by the time his was done with me, I’m a sweaty mess and not in a good way. He snarls in a low growl to get showed and changed and meet him in the foyer in 10 mins. Then his gone and I haul ass to get showered and ready in 10 minutes.

I just about managed to get done with my shower and changed in the allotted time. Still doing up the last two buttons of my dress, I find him stood chatting and smiling, in the lobby with big Steve. He was his normal warm and loving self. Giving me a hug and kiss on the head. He takes hold of my hand and for a minute I thought I was safe, that my punishment was over. How wrong could I be. As soon as we are out the building, he sped up his pace and his happy demine disappears. When we get to the car I stop and wait for the car door is opened, but all he does is was snatch my bag from my hand and throws them in the trunk with his own. Slamming it shut he, turns around, grabs me round the waist pulling me to him and turning at the same time so I have my back to him. Biting my neck and pulling my dress open, he tells me what a bad girl I’ve been. Roughly manhandling my boobs, he drags me from the side of the car to rear, forcing me to bend over trunk, face down, butt up!

The next thing I feel is the cool spring breeze on my bare bum as he rips my panties off and pulls my dress up over my rear. Then Comes a growl and I’m told to count. Next is the shock, jolt and sting of his hand meeting my bare skin. He has a way of spanking me that not only stings and leaves a lovely bruise, but also shocks and send a shudder to my core.

The slaps rain down on me, one after the other, and all the time I count allowed, knowing to well if I cry out or stop counting, I’ll just end up with more. I end up getting 15 on each cheek, and as always with spankings I’m turned on. Adding to the excitement and pleasure is my love of playing in in public spaces, and well I was a very wet little mouse. Knowing this you he decides to check that I’m not enjoying it too much. He roughly sticks his fingers in my dripping wet cunt and tells me how much of a bad girl I am. One hand pushdown on my neck and the other continues to fuck my hungry pussy.

Then he stands up and growls ‘open’ and kicks my feet apart. If I did not know what was coming, I hear him undoing his belt and drawing down his fly. I feel him moving closer, his hand on my bum, the heat coming from his groan. But his first thrust is so sharp and sudden that it is almost painful, and it causes me to half scream, half gasp in pleasure. One of his hands goes on my neck, holding me down. The other pulls me closer to him and then holds my hip to keep me in place. Each thrust is hard and deep, and painfully slow. Then he gives an extra hard thrust, that draws a scream from deep inside me.

It’s then I hear a door opening and music flittering out from the Italian restraint that is below the gym. I hear a shocked gasp and feel a rumbling laugh from the Boss Man. I turn my head, to the side and my eyes meet with that of a shocked looking man from the rest ant. It is then that it hits me full force, I’m be fucked, bent over the trunk of a car in a carpark, that although is not on a busy main road. The are train going by, as well as cars and busses. Knowing that anyone can see us, and we could get in to a heap of trouble, makes me gasp and clench his cock tighter and makes me wetter than ever.

He keeps my head turned and tells me to watch the guy from the restraint. His fucking becomes harder, if that is possible and god help me, but I start fucking him back, wanting to put on a show. The guy watching is clearly liking what he is seeing. I let my moans turn to screams as I watch him rubbing his cock through his trousers. I start to beg to bellowed to come, but the boss man tells me to hold it. His close, I can feel him swell inside me. I start clenching and adding a twist of my hips as I fuck him back.

With a shout of ‘good girl’ he comes with savage thrust and then he shouts’ come for me little one, now’ and that is just what I do. I scream as I’m hit with a climax that makes me see stars, feel like I’m being split in half and loose all sense of what is going on around me.

 

When I come back down to earth I relies that Boss man is laid on top of me, with all his weight on top of me, squashing me a little, in a totally delouse way. Sweating and panting, he stands up, pulling my dress down to cover my well fucked cunt and glowing bum. He pulls me upright and in to a demanding kiss. Bundling me in to the car, waving at the guy who had been watching us. I now I’m going home to face some more punishment in the bed room and the shower, but that’s for another time 😉

 

http://masturbationmonday.kaylalords.com/masturbation-monday-182/

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart, Uncategorized

New year, Better me!

New year, Better me!
Well 2017 is gone and I find myself in a reflective mood. For a lot of people, I know 2017 was not the best of year. With loss, illness, big ass storms and Donny-j. For me it was full of lows and highs. It was the year my daddy got sicker, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I lost friends and family and my depression and anxiety decided to kick me in the butt. But it was also a year of great personal growth for me. I found my fit as a wife, blogger, and feminist. But by fair the best thing of 2017 was becoming a mother to my beautiful twin girls. I know a lot more to life that being a mum, but when you have thought for many years that it is something you’re not going to get to do. Well when you do, it blows your mind. I never knew I could love something so deeply and fiercely as I do them.
I have seen loads of people posting their new year resolutions, but you won’t be seeing any from me. We don’t make them, as maîtriser thinks it away of setting yourself for an unnecessary fail. What we do is sit down and make a list of targets and goals we want to work towards and plan how we can achieve them. it’s something we do every 3 months and we cover pretty much every aspect of are lives. Even maîtriser does it and will let us set goals for him! We sat down on Friday last week and did are lists. This is where I admit that I love the whole planning side of this. I get to get all my gel pens and stickers out. It’s really good fun!
Some of my goal for the next 3 months are: Loose the last of the baby weight and 15lbs extra, run my dogs at crufts, attend eroticon, pitch some ideas at other blogs, do my muck run training, more swimming lessons and get my new and improved blog up and running!
Maîtriser has also sat down with my and we have set some goals for my blog. Such as post a min of 3 times a week, keeping up to date with emails and upping the number of followers to my blog. Lol one of my friends got me a bloggers journal and a diary that is designed for people who have autism, that have been amazing. They are fun, clear, easy to use and don’t feel like they are shouting at me. So, yay!

I have also decided that I want really work on my English. Not just writing, but spelling, grammar, punctuation and understanding. This came about after several nasty comments about my spelling and grammar. I’m dyslexic and have Anxious ADD, so that makes learning and understanding really flipping tough at times. adding to this I grow up speaking a mix of Irish Gaelic and Russian you can see why English is something I have ongoing struggles with it! But I have Bob my English tutor tailoring lessons for help with this. Also, Sir Beasty is stepping in to help with editing my work, so it’s a case of bring it on!

So, as I wave good bye to 2017, I’m hitting the ground running in 2018, so bring it 2018!

Hugs,

Pixie x

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart, Poly life, social, Uncategorized

oppsss I did it again, well sort of!

So I was meant to be sitting down and confessing to my sins , and I will , but something happened when maîtriser was handing out punishment and telling why I was getting punishment. I disagreed with him on a couple of points, and he actually stopped, thought about what I said, and agreed with me. Now to a lot of you this would sound like I was being blushy and naughty for not just taking my punishment and that maîtriser should have just stamped down on my disagreement . But we roll a little different here in the Beaulac  household. I do what I’m asked , without hesitation 95% of the time, no really I do. But I also have the right to ask questions if I want or need to and I am allowed to disagree with maîtriser and point out why I disagree. As long as I do it politely and respectfully . Most of the time , when I disagree with something we will sit down and talk about it, and nine times out ten , I see that I’ve got it all ass about tit. (no I really do!) But this time , well I got it right , and an apologue from maîtriser, and he never says sorry unless he means it!

But back to the fessing up part, So here goes again…..

  • I went out without a coat on and got court in the rain.
  • wore the wrong shoes out, getting wet feet in the rain and blisters.
  • I forgot to do BG levels 5 times in a week.
  • I refused Pain meds , when I needed them.
  • I refused sleep meds, When I needed them.
  • I exceed my step count by 1800 steps 4 days in a row.
  • I stayed up past my bed 3 days in a row.
  • I allowed my sister to speak to me in a rude and aggressive manner.
  • I listen to my mother and took what she said to heart.
  • I forgot to write in my diary 2 days in a row.

My punishment for these rule breaks are as follows:

  • Kitten will be testing my BG level 3 times a day for next week.
  • I will wear what ever maîtriser tells to, without questions  for the next week.
  • I have to Keep a food diary , on top of my normal diary for the next week.
  • My bedtime is moved to 9.30 instead of 11pm for the next week.
  • CNC is inforced for the next week.
  • I will do a daily mantra and extra  mindfulness for the next week.

The points I disagreed with were:

I allowed my father in the house without maîtriser being home. – Yes I did allow him in the house , but aunty may was here , the weather was very bad and he was locked out of his flat, meaning he could have got hurt. I also phoned maîtriser as soon as I could and asked aunty may and uncle fred to stay till you came home to take my daddy home. – It was agreed that these were fair points and that I missed out punishment for this rule break.

I did not eat all my meals and snacks on 3 days in a row. – I disagree with as I have been on very strong antibiotics and they have been making me really sick and tired. I skip snack and ate a little less , so I would not be sick and kept my medication down. – it was agreed that this was a fair point, but I should have asked for antisickness medication. So Although I should have told someone, maîtriser that he understood that I was feeling very unwell, so I am let off this rule break.

I shouted at Babe when she told my off for forgetting my phone when I went to the doctors. – I disagreed with this as I believe I only raised my voice and was extremely worried about my chest and asthma . She has even said that she judge her timing and impact of what she said. After speaking to Babe , maîtriser agreed that it was not as bad as he first thought, but I should of taking my phone no mater what, but he except worry over took my thinking. So I have been let off this rule break.

So that’s all of it , promise! maîtriser is also making me email all this to everyone, so yay! any way , I’m off to bed!!!

Hugs,

Pixie x

bdsm, Diary, From the heart, Poly life, Uncategorized

Reading, thinking and 1 to 5 –

Last night (Sunday) after maîtriser told me new rules / punishments, I was sat thinking about them and the #SoSS  post on twitter. One of the things I have to do this week is read at least 3 blog post a day and then discus them with either maîtriser Or Babe . I had an idea, I love the blogs I follow , but I sometimes get a little overwhelmed by the amount of awesome post , I mean the are so many of them , where would I start! Then I had a light bulb moment , why not use the #SoSS posts! then I get help picking what to read and I know I’m reading the cream of the crop! So I asked maîtriser if I could do that and it was met with a smile, nod of his head and kiss. The fact he said ‘that’s   a good girl , think outside the box, I’m so proud of you’ was a huge bonus! (:

So yesterdays #SOSS was the Lovely and very talented Candysnacthreviews . I chose to use her #SoSS candy’s pick and mix 4. Just want to say that as always it was beautifully written and layer out I an extremely inviting way.

Getting Lucky – Scandarella – Story Written for Masturbation that is so hot I may have had to calm myself down , twice! Beautifully written , great visualisation and exquisite use of language. Love every second of this and I even read it to the girls as a bedtime story last night!

Crying after sex:two stories – Girl on the net. – Such a relatable piece of writing , that was so emotive that I had a lump in my throat and by the end I had tears streaming down om y checks. I think that anyone who has ever suffered with depression or anxiety well of felt this and this just sums up those feelings so perfectly.

Living With Invisible Bisexuality When You Look Hetero – Cara Sutra – Yet another piece that I could whole heartedly relate to! Being bi and poly myself , I look for the best like a normal(ish) hetro female. I had never stopped and really thought about it that much before, but I do. it also kind of makes why people are so shocked when they see me and kitten or little bear kissing in public! Thus really made me stop and think about it

Rosie Heart – Why i love doing sex work (and why it should’t mater) – A very thought-provoking and genuinely moving piece of writing . It made me look at sex workers in a different light completely (not that I looked down on them or anything like that) Really loved this and will be reading more of her stuff!

The Oooh Review!!! Leatherette Vixen Full Body Harness Review – Really awesome review of a product that not only made me want to try it , but made think ‘ I really want to review stuff, I just don’t have the guts!’ So bravo!

I also have to do as punishment my nana’s 1 to 5 thing . Which always makes me smile , even when I don’t want too!  So here we go with that.

Bad / crappy thing or thought – My sisters think I’m mad for not wanting to share a nanny with them and cos i would rather uncle fred or the girls watched the babies.

Good things.

  1. I manged to go get my blood work done without freaking out or fainting. I took the babies with me and walk to the hospital (3o min walk) and got the bus home.
  2. I have applied to do start my writing class again in the new year, for 2 hours on a thursday morning. maîtriser can work from home one day a week and has agreed to watch the girls for a morning.
  3. I have finally got my Christmas baking sorted out and have a kitchen full of christmas cakes!
  4. i have scheduled 5 post on this blog for this week. (well i think i have but you never know with me!)
  5. I feel much happier in myself after getting back to doing yoga and meditation every morning. i also cant wait to get back to the gym this week, even if it’s only core work and cardio!

W

bdsm, Diary, family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart, Poly life, Uncategorized

2 weeks done, 2 to go!

So I made it through 2 weeks of punishment with no fuck ups or extra punishment! YAY PIXIE! It’s been a hard week on a lot of fronts , but not due to punishment. No any hassle I’ve had has been from my sisters and on a professional front , and that is all sorted now. It’s felt strange and odd to have to let others do stuff and not do it myself, but the house is still standing, we are not facing financial ruin, and the world is still turning!

This week Maîtriser wants me to work a little on myself and my self-esteem. I have a lot of issues around how I see myself and how I think people see me. This stems from being bullied pretty badly at school, ill-health and being in an abusive relationship cfor way to long. I guess I got in to the mind set of if people call you fat or ugley or stupid enough times , you start to believe it and I did for a long time. but over the last few years I been working with a therapist to challenge these thoughts and beliefes , but they still flare up at times and sometimes they can start to do harm again. being truthful they have started to be a problem over last few weeks , but I try to keep them hidden and not talk about them.  But i’m not going to any more and i’m actually looking forward to working on them a bit over the next 7 days! So here are this weeks rules / punishments.

  • I am to read 3 blog post of my choice everyday and disscuse them with maîtriser or Babe in the evening. I may also comment on the post online.
  • Weekly Writing prompt to be done by Thursday (800 words)
  • Daily mindfulnesss tasks and brain training (30 mins)
  • English lessons 3 times with John.
  • 2 gym sessions with Steve (cardio and core)
  • 30 mins of yoga plus 10 min meditation.
  • Write a goal list for the next 6 months
  • Write an eating plan for myself for the next 4 weeks.
  • Daily diary to inculed all food , activety and sleep.
  • Christmas party dress pattern and fabric shopping to be done .
  • daily tasks to be given in the morning by maîtriser. ]
  • 1 to 5 to be done every time I have a negative thought about myself.

I have also  got to work on my swearing and loosing my temper with myself. So if anyone catches me swearing or grumping, wag a finger at me!

Well lets see how we go!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

bdsm, family update, From the heart, Poly life, social, Uncategorized

#SoSS – Spreading the love!(family style)

Right so yeah we thought we would jump on the Share our Shit Saturday band wagon! (the Boss man, the girls and myself . not the Royal we!) to be honest ive had 3 people give me shout outs in the last 3 weeks and really feel the need of d to share the love for some pretty epic bloggy -woggy- do dah peeps that are out there. (I’m going to point out , I’m not drunk or high , but I’m that tired at the moment and had to deal with dog drama today, that it has fried my brain a little bit! ). So having said that I was going to do this to the girls, they wanted to join in and the French man was like, oh well I’ll have some stuff I wont to big up too! So we are doing a  big old family round-up! What we have done is each pick 3 things / blogs / People we are loving and rambled about why we like them, So here goes!

Maîtriser / Boss man

From Daddy’s Desk, with John Brownstone. – A short video from John Brownstone from the Loving BDSM podcast, on why it’s not cool to use silence as away of punishing a submissive. This gent has articulated my thoughts in a much better way than I could have. as I would have said don’t treat you sub as second class citizen, grow up and stop being a dick! Clear , to the point and highlighting that it can do more harm than good.

Wear and Tear, by Molly Moore, for KOTW – Beautiful piece and stunning photo by Molly Moore of Molly’s daily kisses. Good read, but the best part by far is the picture she took of herself. Getting across how arousing knife play and cutting off of clothes can be!

Anxiety and Events, By the princess of kink, for Kinkcraft. – Now I should say that the Kinkcraft Podcast is in my girls top podcast. Bless them , they will all sit at the kitchen table and listen to Andrew and Pixie , then afterwards they will discuss what they had been talking about and each give their take on it. This article really hit a cord with me as mouse suffers so badly with G.A.D. it gave me more ideas of how to help her and also made me look at things from her view point. So Thank you to all involved!

Babe –

Pink hai don’t care!!! Learning to love myself! – A Post from the wonderful Candysnatch, a blogger who has a great outlook on life and is the epitome of body and sex posativatey . I read this article and past it on to are little bear, who has really bad problems with her body image problems. It has given her a real boost and as a knock on effect we have much happier little bear! So Big thank gouges lady!

Drama in the BDSM comunity , Loving BDSM. This one was kind of said what we all want to say about people bringing drama in to a D/s or kink environment. It really was wicked for people to actually say what we thought , but out loud for a change. lol basically the advise is just to deal with it calmly , talk to people, find your on fit , speak up or to someone as needed , and for everyone to just try the hardest to get the fuck a long! Little Pixie loved this on and she giggled the whole way through, so a Big thank you to Kayla and John! x

Hoilday gift guide 2017. By Coffee and Kink. – Really big thanks for this article. I hate Christmas shopping and I never know what to get people , but this is a fucking awesome guided to what is hot for the kinkies in my life!

Kitten –

Bisexuality, episode 48. Proudtobekinky podcast. -so we all love the Proudtobekinky podcast and when we first listen to this one it was kind of light bulb moment for us all! Floss was speaking for not just her but us too! So many myths got busted in this one podcast. Pixie also listen to this with Aunty May , who said ‘That girls got away with words and talks a lot of sense’ . So if she is saying it’s worth a listen it’s worth a listen!

Bitch. – Beatiful picture of an Irish blogger that we are all a little obsessed with! Great use of colour and lighting, positioning and placement. Sends shiver down my spine. Lace – Sinfull Sunday #344, by Little Switch Bitch.

Southern Sir’s Place, By John Brownstone.  – So we are not really allowed to fallow blogs of other dominates unless the boss man knows them in person. But the is a the odd exception , Sir Beasty is one and  rather new one is Mr John Brownstone. His blog is now one of are favourites. The are great post for Sinful Sunday, Kink of the week and about his life! one of the most funny , sweetest and loving Dom that the is around and on the net!

Little Bear

The complete truth about Daddy Doms and little girls , By Kayla Lords , For KinkCraft. – I’m a little and I love being a little , but I some times feel people think I just act like a child and do it for attention. No I do it cos it is part of who I am and allows me to feel happy, safe and loved. This article by Kayla lords sums everything up so well and is right on the money for me. Thank you Mrs Babygirl!

Sinful Sundaysinful Sunday is one of Molly Moore’s memes . Your given a prompt every month and come up with sexy Picture that you feel fits the prompt or any other sexy pic you want to add. I’m not good at taking pics , but I love looking and reading what others come up with!

Submiisve Guidesubmissive guide is a site I love, its full of all things to do with submission and great ideas. with article and ebooks that you can download and keep. We have got the submissive advent Callender and I can’t wait for it to be time to start it!

Mouse –

Torture Garden Special , Floss does life. when I was younger I used to love go to To TG , but after things went pear-shaped for me I stop going and now my anxiety levels are stopping me from going. Read this piece by floss was like being there myself, she made I sound so really. I could almost feel the beat of the music and see all the bright colours. She has really got it spot on and has got me going I have to make it back to TG next year!

How to picth your idea to website, By the smutancer. Great article by Kayla Lords , aka the smutlancer. All about how to pitch ideas to people and companies. Now I have not use this to pitch writing stuff to kinky peeps yet, but I did use the advice and use it in my none kinky life, selling some article and 4 course idea, so it really does work. Pretty much everything on the smutlancer is super helpful and so easy to understand!

Wicked Wednesday, Reblsnotes.com – Wicked Wednesday is one of my fav writing memes on the net! Great prompts weekly and you can write erotica or a little bit about your real life. Love the feedback you get and the support you get!

Podcast we love and thing everyone should give a listen!(even Great Aunty May agrees)

Loving BDSM

Kinkcraft

Proudtobekinky

The Dildorks

Black People Kink

Cousenually Speaking

Off the cuffs

And lastly ….. My great Aunty May wanted this to be included as she thinks it’s the funniest , best written and most relevent Podcast around at the moment, and that all men and women should listen to it! The Guilty Feminist.

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Ps this was meant to be posted on Saturday, but I was a bit manic , then on sunday all I did was cry and giggle , then last night but I fell asleep again! So it’s posted on a Tuesday!

bdsm, Diary, From the heart, Little, musings of pixie heart, Poly life, social, Uncategorized

Saturday night fess-up / punishment.

Well here we again. It’s Saturday night, I’m in bed at 9.30 and I’m being made to write a blog post , fessing up to all the rule breaks I have had this week and telling you what punishment has been handed out too. I have a very cross and grumpy boss man sat behind me to make sure I do it all, just so and don’t skip anything. I should say having to sit and write I did is part of the punishment. Cos I find it so hard to admit and it is one of the quickest ways to change my behaviour.

What I did…..

  • I put myself down 17 in one day.
  • I refused to let little bear help with the cleaning .
  • I did not give the girls chores on 3 days in the last 7.
  • I grumped at Babe, Uncle Fred and Aunty May.
  • I sassed Maîtriser and Sir Beasty on at least 5 occasions.
  • I went over my allowed step count on 3 days out of the last 7.
  • I forgot to eat my snacks on 5 different occasions .
  • I did not check my blood sugar level before bed twice , leading to hypo.
  • I skipped my afternoon nap 5 times in the last 7 days.
  • I did not do my mindfulness at all for the last 7 days.
  • I stayed up past my bed time twice and got up before 6 am 3 times in the last 7 days.
  • I answered emails asking if I was free to take on new clients without showing or asking maîtriser for permission
  • I have started to swear and lose my temper with myself.
  • I have not done any of my self-care task for 7 days.
  • I ate fast food without asking if it was ok.
  • I did not eat enough on 3 days out of 7.

punishments are…..

  • No Free time for 7 days.
  • No answering back, I must do exactly as I’m told, first time. For the next month.
  • all emails must be checked by maîtriser or Babe before the are sent or replied to.
  • No junk food or fast food for the next month.
  • Only one sweet treat a day for the next month.
  • I am to stick to 8000 steps a day and 30 mins of yoga a day for the next 7 days.
  • my bedtime is 10pm and I may not get out of bed before 6am without asking first for the next month..
  • I will take my afternoon nap between 3pm and 4.15pm every day for the next.
  • I will do my self-care and mindfulness with Kitten everyday for the next month.
  • I am to wear my locking collar all the time, except when I have dates with uncle fred or the midwife.
  • I to eat what I am told every meal for the next month.
  • maîtriser will give me a list of chores every evening, I must divide them between myself and the girls for the next month.
  • I am to post on my blog every day ,about  something that maîtriser tells me to.
  • No swearing or sassing , anyone at anytime.
  • I must say ‘Good morning’ and ‘ Good Night’ to Twitter everyday for the next month.
  • I am to email this to everyone in my address book.
  • I will wear what I am told every day for the next month.
  • I will let maîtriser check my Blood sugar levels every day , before bed for the next month.
  • I will promise to take better care of myself and not neglect myself anagin.
  • *should Connie or Evie need me at anytime I may go to them and look after them without having to ask first.

Well that is that then. I know this has to be done and I know it is done out of love. Maîtriser only ever has my best interested at heart. I will Behave and be his good little mouse.

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Diary, From the heart, Uncategorized, wicked wednesday

The girl in the mirror, learning to love myself.

The girl in the mirror, learning to love myself.
I have never really had a great love of what I see when I look in the mirror. I never liked how I looked growing up as a kid. I was small and scrawny as little kid. I had thick glasses, red frizzy hair, thick glasses and a tiny up turned pig nose. Then at the age of 9 need to take steroids for health problems and I put on weight. I was bullied badly at school and at home, by my mother and her father. When I turn 13 a grow about 5 inches in a year and I start to train at a boxing club with my dad. I lost weight, gained muscle and attitude. I chose to fight back at the bullies and the world. but this led to me getting kicked out of school for being a ‘troubled ‘kid.
Fast forward a to a few years ago and you see a girl whose self-esteem is rock bottom, who hides herself away. My body was covered in scares from years of self harm and tattoos from my years of angry rebellion against a harsh world. Stretch mark from rapped weight gain and then weight loss. Add more scares from chest drains from ill health and miss shaped bits from bike accidents and broken bits from my beatings from my ex. So, when my darling Maîtriser came in to my life a few years ago, one of the First things he wanted me to work on was my, in his view titled perception of my body. He said he wanted to me to see myself the way he and the rest of the world saw me, and not how my broken brain saw myself.
So, with therapy, gym workouts and time and love, I started to work on my self-esteem and started to challenge how I saw myself. One of the things I did and still do from time to time is put myself down. I will say something like I hate my face or I’m so fat. This upsets maîtriser, he says it’s like me saying that he is not right that I am worth him loving. At first, I was not sure I was worthy, but as the days went on and I feel increasingly in love and I learned to trust again, I saw that he was right. So, I tried to stop, but I still slipped from time to time.
As a sort of punishment and sort of his way of challenging this, he would for ever put down I made about myself I would have to come up with 10 things I liked about the way I looked. Having just had twins, the put downs have come to the surface again. So, when I said, ‘lord my face looks so chubby’ I was made to stand in front of the mirror again and make my list of 10 things I like, here is what I found
1. I love the colour of my eyes and how they seem to change with my mood.
2. I like my small pug nose and how it’s too small to keep my glasses on when I sneeze.
3. I love my high cheek bones and dimples.
4. I love my Hight. Just right that I can rest my head on maîtriser shoulder when we dance.
5. I love my small hands, that are strong and know how to do so many things.
6. I love my boobs and nipples, and the amazing feeling I get when they are played with.
7. I love the stretch marks on my tummy and hips. Reminds me of caring my babies.
8. I like the scares on rib cage. They remind me of the strength it took to fight back from illness
9. I like the scare on my left for arm. It makes me think that, given time scares fade, if not always leave you totally
10. I love the tan line on my ring finger, reminds me of being married to maîtriser and how special are bond is.
I don’t think I’m ever going to the type of person who is going to spend hours looking in the mirror. But I have learned to like what I see and realised that if maîtriser is happy and loves what he sees, then so should I, cos he is a man who is rarely wrong about stuff like that.

I really loved writing this and I feel like it was something I needed to do, without knowing I did. Does that make sense? I wrote today at a coffee shop, while my little ones dozed in their pram and the rest of the world went about their business. For now my life is good, happy and settled.

Pixie x x x x

Wicked Wednesday

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Diary, musings of pixie heart, Poly life, social, Uncategorized

The Diary of Pixie heart- 18/09/17 – 24/09/17

As instructed to, I’m sharing last weeks diary for everyone to have a giggle at! enjoy!

Diary: mouse

Monday 18th September 2017: 5.45am – So I am all wiggly and I can’t sleep, so I’m getting up! I will be eating toast and drinking tea on the sofa if you need me!
7.30am – I feel asleep again! Thank you for waking me up by shoving your cock in my face, no really, I love it when you do that!
8am – breakfast done, dentist phoned for Little bear, dishwasher done and now to sit down for a bit!
9.30am – I love the food network, but what the flip is going on with pioneer woman??? Like do her family only eat breakfast and cake?
10am – Dentist time with little bear. I can’t get her into clothes so she is wearing her sloth onesie and unicorn slippers, sorry I did try!
11am – My poorly girl has an abuse on the roof of her mouth! Ouchy! So, I have her antibiotics, soft food, and some nice juice. I will now tuck her up on the sofa and keep her safe!!
12.30pm – Little bear has decided that she ‘NEEDS’ butterscotch wipe and 3 bananas for lunch, so yes…. lol.
1.30pm – Thank you for are lunch time call and thank you for telling little bear she was being brave!
2pm – I’m doing writing! About spankings!!!
2.45pm – Afternoon nap time, I am a tired little pixie!
4.30pm – Blimey I was tired! Little bear seems to of perked up a little, antibiotics are amazing things!
5pm – Babe has come home and said she will cook. What did I do to deserve that as a treat!
6pm – Veggie fingers, chip and peas and sweetcorn. With sponge and chocolate custard for afters!
7pm – Thank you for helping me to have a bath, it is so hard to get in and out of the bath tub on my own and I’m fed-up of having bloody showers!
8.45pm – Family time on the sofa is great, but I’m horny, can I play with kitten please!?
10pm – THANK Your x x x x x x. I love playing with kitten’s nipples and pussy!
11pm – bed time story of pen of the damned, good move! Night sexy bum!
11.15pm – lights out and cuddles! X
Tuesday 19th September 2017: 7.15am – Blimey Riley! Tired little pixie again! That is the second night I slept right through. Little bear is still sleeping, bless the little thing. Got to get up, date with Uncle Fred!
8.30am – yes, I do still have to be up, dressed and making you breakfast before you get down in the morning. Yes, I must make your lunch, yes, I need to make sure you tie is straight and give you a kiss good bye. It is my job as your wife! And yes, I’m trying to pout, so don’t give the eyebrow!
9am – Little bear has just told me to sit down and drink my milk: o the family little is Doming me now!
10.15am – when the babies get here and I’m all held up, I am spending a whole week cleaning! Little bear did a good job and I’m trying to not micro mange her or go ‘you missed a spot. But me being me, I’m finding it hard!
11am- I no longer fit behind the steering wheel of my car! Thankfully Uncle Fred said he was happy to drive, I’m not sure I could cope with the bus or bear’s driving!
11.30am- Feeding the dunks is the best feeling ever! I get to be a kid for a bit and I feel free. Just don’t want to be an adult anymore!
12.15 – Squeak! Happy meal, milkshake and a Mcflurry! Spoilt!!!
1pm – Ok so I now officially heave everything I could need for the babies! And yes I got breast feeding stuff too!
2pm- Home to find 6 huge boxes from amazon. Seems everyone I work with has bought something of a baby Wishlist that Steve set up. My god this is awesome, don’t think I’ll ever need to buy nappies or whips ever! They even got the dogs new Kong toys and t-shirts!
2.45pm – Afternoon nap!
5pm – Welcome home kiss to wake me up! You old smoothie! And yes, I do still like you copping a feel while having a smooch on the sofa!
6pm – take out for dinner, cos I’m too tired to cook! Thank you, x,
7pm- Am I not allowed to take a shower on my own?! Thank you, nice to be hair free again and thank you for checking that my bits still work! 😉
7.45pm – Monopoly marathon, Bring it on Frenchie!
9.30pm – Little bear is blatantly cheating!
10.15 – Thank you for coming to bed with me, I’m a pooped pixie!
11pm – Ok I love this book! Oh, and I love you to Frenchie x x x

Wednesday 21st September 2017: 6.30am – Errrr! Its morning then? I’m sore and full of ouches! Can you come back to bed please?
7am- Can’t we just stay in bed?! But thank you for the cup of tea, bowl of bran flakes, pain killers and cooking mags, I’ll be ok in a min!
7.20am- Better and happy again!
7.45 – Yup did breakfast again!
8.30pm – Don’t you dare be late home tonight! Love you froggie!
9.30am – day time television sucks big time! Why would anyone want to stay home and watch television when this is the crap on it?
11.20am – So it now turns out that I need to take a mid-morning nap as well as an afternoon nap!
12.30pm – So I have just eaten for Britain! Good lord I have no idea how that fitted inside me!
1.30pm – Homes under the hammer is kind of cool!
2.30 – tired again, napping about to condense in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…….
4pm – Woken up by a dog vomiting and being the size of a baby elephant do not go well together! Spidie was being a flipping drama queen and mad eye tried to clear her sick up by eating it!
6pm – Dinner time and little bear cooked an amazing pasta, that had the right amount of chillie in it!
6.45pm – No I am not watching extenders , no you cannot make me do it!
7pm – really fed up now! Can’t get comfortable and I’m fixity 
8.15pm – Was not sassing you that much and kitten is made to be tickled! P but kind of happy to be sent to bed, I get little bear cuddles!
9.15pm – Yummy, you can take your belt to me like that any day! can we do more impact play after the babies get here? Well more play all round?!?!
11pm – Hehehe. Watching babe, kitten and little bear playing, with you sat behind me and your hands on my boobies was wonderful!!
12pm- are you going for husband of the year?! French toast with ricotta and figs!

Thursday 21st September 2017: 6am – Up early, got to get little bear to the dentist. If she gets just her crown put back in I will be proud of her!
7.30am- so dressed, in the car and on the way to the hospital It is too early and I already need to pee! Uncle Fred is a super star for driving us! (Must by him bear!)
8.30am- Well hear and they have given her a sedative. Crossing everything I have that she will be ok, cos I can’t go in with her 
9.45am – Well she’s out! My brave girl not only let them put her crown back in, put they have the 2 impacted wisdom teeth out and they filled the holes in her canines! She is rather stoned, so it’s straight home to bed with her!
11am- I have tucked little bear up on the sofa with her teddy bear and blanky! She had 2 glasses of water and one of milk, plus some painkillers. She was out like a light! I’m going to wash all the baby clothes now and make sure they are all ready. I know it’s silly but that is something I can do and not really get shattered!
12pm- Aunty May has just turned up with food and told me to ‘go sit down like a good girl’. Not that I mind her turning up with food or her fussing, but I can do light house work! could speak to her and ask her back off a little?! I love her to death, but sometimes I need a little breathing space.
1.30pm – little bear is awake and in pain  can’t let her have pain killers for an hour and a half, so I have sat her in the kitchen with me and aunty may. I hate seeing her hurting, tears me up inside 
2.30pm – sod it! Have given her some painkillers a little early and we are now camping on the sofa, with warm milk and chocolate whip. Going hopefully nap. Aunty may has decided she will cook tea and do the ironing, feel bad but she said little bear needed looking after more than the ironing needed doing, and she is right, as always!
4.30pm – ok so I did need a nap and little bear seems to be doing better. She wants mashed potato with cheese, baked beans, and green beans for her tea, so that is what may be cooking her!
5.45pm – I have sat down and got my taxes done! Yes, I know I have not exactly worked over the last 2 months, but their all nice and neatly done! Yes, I know only I get a kick out of having neat and tidy tax files, but hay bite me!
6pm – Nice touch Frenchie bring aunty may flowers! She really does cook like a posh version of my nana!
7pm- thank you for driving May home sweetie! I’m going to get little bear ready for bed and then going to take a shower with kitten. Hope you have a great time playing pool with babe! Love your x x x x
9pm- I swear these babies are sadist like their father, that or they are into water sports!
11.45pm – Ummm so yeah, I think you may have had a little bit too much to drink handsome! But thank you for the kfc kid’s meal! Little bear is happily scoffing popcorn chicken and yoghurt. Did you just buy it so she had a treat?!? I love you pookie! X x x x
Friday 22nd of September 2017: 7.15 am – Someone has a sore head this morning! Bacon sandwich and strong coffee in bed for you sir! and I can do that cos I want to and looking after you is my job! Then get that butt in the shower and dressed, cos it is family weekend time as of 5 pm!
8.30am- So yeah, I wanted you to stay home but …… Ok house cleaning time as best I can!
10.30am – Clean! It really is amazing what the 4 of us girls can get done if we all work together! I am now off to do food shopping with babe driving! If you get a call from the hospital saying I’m in labour, my nerves could not take it!
12pm – Ok food shopping done and put away! We are a dream team! Wow, can we get team boobies t-shirts?!?
12.30 – Now uncle Fred is well at it! Although he still lets me do stuff, are garden shelves are looking dope! He has made a massive loaf of soda bread, pot of soup and cherry pie! I get sad when he makes cherry pie as it was aunty Doreen’s fav, god I miss her!
2pm – Stuffed and tired, but my brain is saying ‘no don’t nap do the kitchen cupboards’. as a compromise, I am watching a Disney film with little bear on the sofa! Lol also why does are dog walker think it is funny that my dogs come back when called?
5pm – Umm yes, I did full asleep!
5.30pm – What is with you today? Text saying get bathed and in my pj’s and don’t worry about dinner, and that’s it!!! What the fuck!!!
6.15pm – Curry, ice cream and ginger bear! Ok I love you, did I say that before, right? Also, avengers and dry strange, you are the best person like ever!
11pm I stayed awake for the whole thing this time! Now teeth and bed!
11.10pm – We even get are bed time story!
Saturday 23rd September 2017: 6am- Errrr! Ok antibiotics are kicking my butt today! I feel sick, have the shakes and an upset tummy. Can I stay home?
7am – thank you so much for getting with babe and taking the hounds out so I can sleep!
9am – yup I’m dying! I have forced down some toast, my meds and Diet coke. Thank god for polos and Imodium!
9.45 – Ok I have to go shopping cos I need to buy stuff but all I want to do is sleep!
10.30am – ok so I now have a banging head ache and feel dizzy. Thank god for my kitty cat coming with me!
11.15pm – So kitten has an apple and blackcurrant and chips from kick. She has put salt on them and got me ketchup for them! I took pain killers and I now feel a little bit better!
12pm – ok I so manged to get the bus home!
12.30 – Little bear walking Bella, mad eye and boods up to the bus stop is adorable and meant so much!
1pm – squeak! Am I really allowed to put my Pj’s back on and go be little for the afternoon, really???
1.30pm – you got me unicorn colouring book and apple and mango juice!
3pm – I see you watching inside out, just come sit on the sofa silly head!
5pm – I have had the best afternoon in ages! Thank my love, I really needed that! Now I’m going to make spaghetti for dinner and grilled peaches with ice-cream for after!
6.30pm – Strictly come dancing, that is all that needs to be said!
9pm- thank for coming to bed with me, sorry I don’t want nookie and just want to snuggle!
11pm- girls are up, tucked in and bed time story read! Night handsome x
4.45am – Thank you for letting me get up and write. I have a bad case of the I can’t sleepiest!
7.15am – so I have had breakfast, taken my meds, and done my neb. I have even taken something to calm my brain the fuck down, I am now going to try a sleep for a little bit. I’m that tired I am feeling slightly irrational 
10am – Wow! I feel so much better for a nap!
10.30am – Why are we getting in the car and where the flip are we going!
11pm – Secrets! Yay!!!! Can I have fed the fish and ducks, please!?!!?
12pm- Soup, salad and bread is so the best lunch ever!
1.pm- can we get a turtle please? Or some Dalmatian mollies?
2.30pm – Why did you agree to let us go to a super market on a Sunday afternoon? I’m going to be brave but I don’t know if I can do this or the whole of the shop. If I get freaked out can I go sit in the car?
3pm – well I made it to the check out. Thank you for letting me go sit the other side of them and just chill out!
3.30pm – So I’m now cooking dinner with you, like I get to tell you what to do? Cripes that is so out of my comfort zone foggy! How about I ask you nicely to do stuff?
5pm- You will make a great chef one day! this is fun, can we do it more often?
5.45pm – NO! that is not how you carve a chicken! More of it is going in your tummy than anything else! Silly head!
6pm – Roast dinner, Boss man and mouse style!
6.30pm – Now you got little bear to wash up and do the dishwasher without moaning, what magic is this!
7pm – bath time!
7.30pm – Why do I have to go to bed? but ok!
8pm – Tots could be a spaceman you know!
9.30pm- Sleepy pixie now!
10.20- hot milk, with honey and nutmeg. Bed time story and cuddles, thank you for a fabulous weekend! Love you xx
11pm – light out!

 

so that was last week! what are all you lovely’s up to this week?

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x