This is me….
I’m not sure where this post is going to go, or why I feel so strongly that I need to write it. Stuff happened yesterday, and it left me hurting, sad, unsure, but more than anything it left me angry and frightened. Two things I hate feeling, that I stamp down, hide, and try not to let people see. But yesterday, facing the thoughts and feelings of fear and anger at the situation, myself and what ‘could’ of happened. I snapped, I got angry at people around, lashed out with words and actions and I frightened myself. It carried on with feelings of grief through the night, with tears and everything coming out in an angry torrent, the dam of self-restraint totally broken. In to the morning to bitter snappy words and people I love. All very un-pixie. But it need to come out, I have been holding stuff back and hiding myself, all of me away for to long.
I have tried to put a front on of being happy, cheerful, and calm pixie for so long that I just can’t do it anymore. I am human, I get sad, angry, and anxious, like everyone around me does. But I tried to be happy and cheerful all the time, to stamp down on negativity. That It had gotten to the point of being physically painful and damaging.
Growing up I was always told I was over sensitive, that I needed to hide my anger and sadness away. That crying showed weakness, that being cross was bad, that people should be happy all the time. We as a family hide how we felt, from the world, each other and are selves. The only person who let me cry or be angry was my nana. She taught me to control it, turn it in to something good, creative, or redirected it. But when I was at home, all that went in to hiding, as if feelings were wrong and evil. That it was normal to not have feelings. So, I stamped down on them, hide them, and just got on with things.
I had a mother who bullied and belittled me. who lied, cheated, and thought of herself above her family. A father who was mentally ill, beat me and told me it was my fault. I was bullied and school, then I turned in to some vile rebel, who hated herself and everyone. I did stuff that brought me and my family great shame. I was bullied in to doing stuff that damaged me and made me want to get as far from my family as I could. It pushed me in to the arms of a man, who in later years nearly beat me to death and then caused such a bad depression and self-hate that I nearly took my own life.
But it made me strong, self-relent, brave, farce and passionate. I taught me I can be in control of me and I could take pride in things I did. yes, I had voices telling me to give up, stamp down those feelings and hide huge parts of myself. But god did I achieve things that I was and still am fucking proud of. But I was never truly myself, I hid things I felt people would not like or want to see.
Then people came in to my life and I wanted to be open and honest with them and myself. I slowly, with love, help, and support, rebuilt myself. I still had scares and broken parts, but I learned to love myself. I stood tall, pushed myself and grew to be who I am now. Broken, covered in scares and stronger for that. But I still hide some of my broken parts, kept some of those scares. they were to raw, to painful, too big for me to cope with.
But then yesterday, something snapped, and I can’t hide it any more. I am human, I have feelings and I can’t and won’t fucking hide them anymore. I raged, lashed out and acted like a child, and for that I’m really fucking sorry. But I’m hiding shit from now on, I can’t and won’t do that, to make people happy or comfortable, not anymore. I am worth more to myself as me, than I am to others as what they want me to be. My(Poly) family are standing with me, and always will. But I really don’t care what people think of me anymore, I like me.
I am me, myself, who I need to be.
I am me,
Just me, who I am meant to be.
And will not hide that anymore, broken, bruised and scared.this is me…….