From the heart, musings of pixie heart, Poly life

Playtime with Miss Kitty.

Now that things have stepped up with me and kitten a little bit, now that I wear her tag and she is officially my dominant, well we have started to have our little playtimes, just the two of us. It’s sweet and tender, playing to both of our ‘Little’ sides. But it leaves me knowing that she is definitely the one in control, with the right amount of pain and force that I love, but all the time leaving me knowing I’m special and loved.

One of the things I really love about play time with my Miss Kitty, is that there is normally a surprise. I will come home from shopping or my English class to find things laid out on the bed for me. Something to wear, a change of collar, cuffs, rope, and toys. The last play time we had was very special and full of little firsts, for both of us.

It was Kitten’s day off and I had been to the supermarket. I came home to find things laid out on the bed. My black lace baby doll, my thick purple collar, the 2 new paddles I had bought for my Miss, my clit and nipple clamps and some of our toys. Just seeing them laying on the bed, well it made my heartbeat kick up a notch and my nipples started to get hard.
Next to the toys was my unicorn stuffy, Stephen and under him the was a note. It said I should go take a quick shower, put my hair in a ponytail, with my purple ribbon, freshen my makeup if I wanted to, then make my way back to the bedroom, dress, text Kitten and wait for her to come and find me. I was to kneel or sit cross-legged, eyes downcast and my collar in my hand, ready for her to change it. Well, that is enough to steer me into action.

Dashing to the bathroom, I strip my clothes off as I go, remembering to dump them in the laundry basket and not on the floor. Then I grab a clean towel, turn the water on and the shower on high, stepping under the lukewarm water. I quickly wash myself with my banana body wash, check that my legs and armpits are free from hair, knowing very well that my pussy is hair free, as Maîtres took care of that last night. Turning off the water, I rub myself dry with the fluffy towel, then put on banana scented body cream. Looking in the mirror to check my make up, and decide all I need is a light lip balm. Then it’s back the bedroom, grabbing my hairbrush and speedily pull my hair into a high ponytail and then tie the purple ribbon in a bow, making sure it looks neat and tidy. Moving to the bed, I pull on the sexy lace boy shorts and the lace baby doll that Kitten has laid out for me. I drop her a text saying ‘ready’ and hop up on the bed choosing to kneel holding my play collar in my hand, eyes cast down, back straight, just how Maîtres and Babe have trained me to.

Kitten must have been hiding in the workroom because I can hear her making her way upstairs, then I can feel her eyes on me, as she comes to the bed. Tipping my chin up with her finger and taking my collar in her other hand, she places it on the bed, removes my day collar and places it on the dresser, returning to pick my play collar up and placing it around my neck, buckling it and padlocking it. Then she asks for my wrist, then ankles and places my cuffs on them then asks me to sit in my inspection pose. Still not making eye contact, I move to inspection for her, with my hands behind my head, back straight and legs open.

She walks around the bed, not touching me but, inspecting me with her eyes. I feel them burning into my skin, I can feel myself start to shake a little and I know I’m getting wet as hell. Then I feel a feather-light finger run from my thigh, up my torso, skim the underside of my breast, over my collarbone and under my chin. Tilting my head up and placing them sweet tasting lips on mine. A soft and gentle kiss that could only come from my Miss. It ends too soon, and I keep my eyes closed to savor it a little longer. I feel a sharp flick to my left nipple and a soft chuckling voice telling me to open my eyes and concentrate. When I open my eyes, I’m met with a lovely sight. My Kitten has become Miss Kitty, still the girl I love, but with an edge that I adore. She is dressed in a grey pencil skirt, white shirt and black waspy, and has definitely not remembered to wear a bra.

With a soft, commanding tone, I’m told to hold still, as my breasts are removed from my baby doll, and my nipples get pinched hard, and then my clamps are attached and tightened. Making me wince a little, even more, when she flicks them hard. Then I get told to remove my panties and hand them to her, knowing they are damp with my juices. Blushing I hand them over to her and the blush gets deeper when she lifts them to her nose and sniffs. knowing she knows how turned on by the prospect of our play is thrilling.

Then there is that soft, commanding tone again telling me to lie on my back and show her my pussy. She helps me lay back, taking a pillow and placing it under my hips and bum, raising my pussy up and closer to her gear eyes. By this point, I’m leaking like a sieve and all its going to take to make me come is breathing on my clit, sensing this, she decides to be nice and allow me to come before we go any further. She takes the purple bullet vibe and turning it on low, places it on my clit and tells me to cum, and god do I cum. Hard, fast, and completely. We’re talking squirting, shaking, and shattering here.

When it ebbs away, I feel a sharp slap from a paddle on my pussy, not realising that I had shut my legs tightly. she tells me to open, and I open my legs wide, like a good girl. Then I get pushed to lay on my back, so I can’t see what she is doing, but I soon find out as I feel my clit being clamped, having to bite hard on my lip as to not yelp as she tightens it. It is one of my favorite pains, but straight after a climax, well I had to bite so hard on my lip, it is bleeding a little.

She then orders me into my humble pose, but with a pillow under my tummy to make sure my bump is safe. Next thing I feel is the sting of the leather paddle on my bare bottom, then it makes contact repeatedly, over, and over. Making my hips sway a little, sending little shock waves through my clamped clit and pushing me forward, coursing added friction to my clamped nipples. Blow after blow, and with each strike, a little squeak comes from my mouth. Then as suddenly as they started, they stop, replaced by her finger running over the burning welts on my skin, running them round up and down the crack of my arse and the lips of my pussy. She pushes 3 fingers inside my hungry little cunt and stubs my clamped clit with her thumb and within seconds I’m begging to cum again, to which I get a smile and a yes. That’s when a shattering climax hits me again, a very wet one!

Then she has me turn, I’m laying with head in the middle of the bed and feet facing the head, she threads a rope through the ankle cuffs, and hoist each leg up and ties them to the headboard of the bed. She then goes to work cuffing my hands together and tethering above my head and to the foot of the bed. She massages some feeling back into my now unclamped clit while flicking my still clamped nipples. Reaching behind me she grabs our massive Adam dildo and the lube, and slowly at first, she starts to fuck me with it, then turns the insisted vibrator on and fucks me harder and harder. Making me beg to cum, refusing and then backing off again and then working me up again, and again, till I’m crying with the built-up need, then she adds a bullet vibe to my clit and tells me to cum. I do and again it’s a very loud and wet climax.

She then unties my hands, makes her way to the bed, hitches her skirt up and promptly straddles my face. I open her lips and start to fuck her pussy with 2 fingers and use my tongue and teeth on her clothes, which grinds and glides on my face, knowing how much I adore her doing this, but it still catches me off guard when she comes, squirting her juices all over my face. Collapsing to the side and pulling in for a kiss. We snuggle close for long minutes, telling each other how well we did, her saying how proud I make and my squealing with delight. But at the back of my mind, I know play time is far from over, and there is much more wonderful fun to come.

But I’ll save that for another time my darlings…

broken brained, family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart

It’s just how we role around here!

It’s just how we roll around here!

I’ve been sat doing a lot of thinking while I’ve been packing to go away on a business trip with a kitten. But I don’t think we’re normal in this family, and I don’t just mean odd, I mean bat crap crazy and stranger than a jumper in July.

What bought this sudden realization to me? A conversation twitter about how I had pack 4 pairs of unicorn socks and 12 pairs of panties for a 2-night trip! But then I also have pack 20 collars, 3 stuffies and a massive tube of lube. I know I’m not normal, and I’m fine about, no really.

I’ve never been what you call ”normal” and from an early age I was labelled ”special”. As a little kid I thought that was a great thing to be, but as I got older I found out that ’special ’ is not such a great thing to be. I was, in fact, a very scornful thing and meant that you were different. It relegated you to the same place as black sheep, funny uncles and those sent to the sisters of mercy.

As I got older it got changed from special, to special needs and I was know to be challenging. Now I should say that my special needs, were nothing more than being dyslexic and struggling to learn my 3rd alphabet. The challenging part was a form of ADD and the fact I was from a home with 2 abusive parents. But I was seen as the problem and got told to stop making excuses and buckle down. But I simply could not do it, being normal hurt, like I was being squashed into a mould that was too small. It had round edges and I had sharp, jagged points. It led to me acting out, getting kicked out of schools and very nearly getting sent to a youth offenders place.

Luckily my nana and my priest (I know right!) saw that I was different in a good way. My Nana and father Michael went in and batted for me, somehow managing to get me one final chance. I got sent a PRU and got help and guidance. I learnt to embrace my quirks, funny habits and being different. I learned that yes I am strange, odd and special, but that can be good and beautiful things.

So fast forward to today, and sure I’m still that odd, different and quirky girl. But I’m doing good. I am succeeding, living a happy and stable life. Sure I could clean for Ireland, I freak out if I have to sit by a bin and have a break down if bird flys over my head. But every day I get up, I know I make people happy, make them smile and make their lives a little bit better. Maister always says I’m his special girl, and that makes me so happy and proud, and I’m ok with that!

From the heart

For @HisLittleRara

Today’s guest blog post is something a little different, in that it’s a collaboration between to people . Me and my wonderful daddy, Antoine Beaulac! he needs no introduction, so here it is

Do you ever have chats with your friends, that suddenly turn in a direction, that should be awkward, but they aren’t and just seem to naturally flow and become something very different? Something hot, sexy, and dirty as hell. That turn you into a wet, squirming mess in bed, begging two men to come fuck you and let them do god only knows what to you. Right that’s normal right? Ok, so I know that’s not “normal” but hell it’s fun when it does happen, well I thought I would share one of those times with you.
Maîtres: Little one are you sassing me and Alex? I don’t think you want to do that, do you or are trying to get punished? Hmmm, I think that might be the case. What do you think Alex?
Alex: I think someone wants a spanking and is seeing how hard she can push the Doms in the room. Lol
Maîtres: Is that right Miss Mouse? Well?
Mouse: Might be! Neither of you would do it though, it takes too much to get you to bite! FYI that is sassing you.
Maîtres: No shit Sherlock! I’m warning you Mouse, do not push me, or I will hand your punishment over to Alex, do you understand me?
Mouse: Like is that meant to be a threat? He would not know where to start! Sir is a big fluffy pussycat. Lol he would just give me lines or ban me from my stuffies.
Maîtres: Mouse! That is enough, or he gets control. Do not push me girl, do you hear me!
Mouse: You’re both big fluffy pussycats. Na nah na nah!
Alex: Someone is for it now! Lol.
Mouse: Nah ah! You’re both too fluffy and sweet and cute to know what to do to me!
Maîtres: Right that does it little one, Alex what shall we do with the little fool? Hmm?
Alex: So many choices…. Spanking…. Edging…. positions….
Maîtres: Needs to fit the crime brother. Such sass and back chatting. Needs to sting brother.
Alex: 20 on each with the hairbrush, to start. Then edging with hands on the bed for 20 mins. Sound good?
Maîtres: Clothes off little one, in humble on the bed and make sure the iPad is positioned so Alex can watch. Understand?
Mouse: Nope hiding! You won’t find me!
Alex: £20 she’s under her blankets or in the shower?! Lol
Maîtres: Open the camera….
Maîtres: See I found her under her blankets, didn’t I? smile for Alex.
*turns me round roughly to face the camera and starts to strip me of my clothes roughly. Pushes me on the bed so I’m kneeling with my bottom facing the camera. Legs open and showing my pussy to Alex.
Alex: Lol you called it right my friend and that is a very nice smile Mouse
Maîtres: So, what shall Mouse get as a punishment? Any ideas Alex?
Alex: Oh, the possibilities are endless, such sass needs a fitting punishment.
Maîtres: Shall we ask Mouse?
*tosses mouse her phone*
Alex: How about the hairbrush?? Then you eat her out till she is about to cum, then back off, over and over, till she’s crying and begging to cum. She must keep her hands on the bed the whole time!
Mouse: Nah ah! How is sassing you worth that level of punishment? Jeepers! Next you will tell me that Alex must watch!!!!
Maîtres: lol Mouse, you forget, I don’t allow you to negotiate your own punishments. Who is in charge here? I think Alex is right, but I don’t know if he wants to watch? What do you think my friend? How many strokes brother?
Alex: 25 on each should do it and edging 10 times should do it
Mouse: Hey! He doesn’t get to choose about my butt and the blinkin’ hairbrush!
*giggling and sticking tongue out at Maîtres and Alex *
Maîtres: You’re right Mouse, he doesn’t, but I do, and I have decided to ask Alex’s advice.
Alex: Just asking my friend, did she tell you she’s been calling you ‘The Frog?’
Maîtres: No! lol oh little one you’re in so much trouble now. Get in humble now, arse to the camera and show Alex how well you take your punishment for me.
*hairbrush in hands, one strike after another landing on my upturned butt. I’m counting and saying thank you, but reach for my phone*
Mouse: Please Maîtres, please I need you!!!!!
Alex: Does somebody need punishment again, do they little one? What’s the matter, too much for that bum? Lol yeah right.
Maîtres: ROFL! Dude! What’s wrong Miss Mousey? Too much? Or is it making you wet? Come on Princess.
Mouse: No shy! Not telling you, I’m going to hide again.
*Drops hairbrush, grabs hold of me before I can move, plunging a finger into a very wet pussy, making me whimper and hide face in hands.
Maîtres: Oh, look here, someone is horny from a spanking! Oh, dear Mouse, looks like I need to show you how to behave again now. Alex, what shall we try this time?
Alex: Tell us what you’re thinking right now?
Mouse: Nah ah! Not happening?
Maîtres: Oh, come now little one! Tell Maîtres what you’re thinking, and I might let it happen. Or shall we get Alex to guess? 5 more for each wrong answer?
Alex: Ha-ha! Fluffy bunnies? Unicorns and rainbows? McDonald’s?
Mouse: No silly head! Still not telling.
Maîtres: Mouse, you will use your words and tell me and Alex right this minute. Do you understand me?
Mouse: Yes Maîtres. I was thinking about Alex’s pierced nipples.
Alex: Just my nipples? Oh, or do you mean the work out thing we spoke about?
Mouse: Nah ah! Can’t say to shy!
Maîtres: Use those words baby girl!
*turns to stare at Maîtres, first time he has ever called me baby girl. Makes me nearly cum on the spot*
Mouse: Yes, and how they would feel on my back as you fucked me up the arse and how your hands would feel on my boobs and clit.
Maîtres: You want to fuck Alex little one? That’s all?
Alex: I think there is more! Blown away by this little gem though!
Mouse: I want Maîtres to watch, as you fuck me hard from behind, make me cum and for Kitten to go down on him, while he watches.
Maîtres: Well done baby girl. What else?
Alex: Fucking hard as steel here! Lol
Mouse: Nah ah! Can’t!
Alex: Come on little one, use those words? You want to make Maîtres and me, proud, don’t you? Use those words.
Mouse: I want to ride Maîtres cock and I want your cock in my arse, to feel your piercings on my back and I want to be fucked without mercy.
Maîtres: What a lovely idea that is! Good girl, keep going?
Alex: Fuck me! You’re such a dirty little thing, aren’t you?
Mouse: I want Alex’s tongue on my clit, Kittens on mine and I want to make her scream. I want you to tell them what to do to me and I want to be made to beg.
Maîtres: Do you think we should allow that Alex? Do you think my baby girl should be allowed to have some fun with me and you?
Alex: I think your girl would like an empty hotel room and you and me tag teaming her.
Maîtres: Brother I think you’re right! Little One would you like that? What would you like to do?
Mouse: Can’t say, shy and hiding!
Alex: Little one, I want 100 words of what you want to do in that hotel room, right here in messenger, right now.
Maîtres: Do it girl, right now!
Mouse: I want to meet you both at the door on my knees, I want you to put on my lead, to crawl to the bed. I want to be made to serve you both and made to beg. I want to be spanked, flogged, and punished. I want to ride both of your cocks and in the arse. I want to cum over and over again, then made to clean both your cocks. I want pain, I want to be made to submit and to serve.
Alex: Fuck! Good girl!
Maîtres: That’s a girl! So proud of you. Shall I move to edging her a little or should she be allowed to cum?
Alex: Edging! If I was there I would fuck that tight pussy and eat that clit, to the point of cumming and then back off. To keep doing that over and over, until it gets painful and then ruin her.
Maîtres: Shall we try and make that happen soon little one? Would you like that?
Mouse: Yes, please Maîtres, please! Promise!!
Alex: I think I need to look at flights for a long overdue visit, don’t you think Tony?
Maîtres: I think so my friend! She is squealing at the idea. Brother going to sign off for a while, I think a certain baby girl needs some attention!
*spend the next 2 hours sucking, fucking and everything in between*
Maîtres: Brother, she’s sleeping on my chest right now, but THANK YOU! Someone turned into a little hell kitten after that! Jesus, she’s not going to be able to walk in the morning!!!
Alex: Pleasure brother! I enjoyed it a lot, watching her was epic my friend!
Maîtres: We must sort that visit out lol. It’s also the first time she’s let me call her baby girl. Fuck man!
Alex. Defiantly my friend.
Maîtriser: Going to have to leave it here, for now, someone is sucking my cock, again!

musings of pixie heart

Oh babt, what have you done to me!

Do you ever get nights that you can’t sleep, no mater what you try? The is seemingly no reason for your sleepless night. Laying in bed, you toss and turn, sighing and groaning, and Haiphong and puffing. You get yourself tangled up in the blankets, your pillows are full, of rocks and it infernally hot. You can’t decide whether to stay in bed, get up or to go for a walk.

I seem to have a lot of nights like that now. I don’t know why, but this pregnancy seems to of turned me in to a bundle of sleepless, nerves energy and it’s also making extremely horny. I was with the twins, but this time I just have hear maîtres voice and I am begging to be used, and I mean used. Not made love to or fucked. No, I mean thrown on the bed, clothes ripped off and just taken. Not just once, but over and over again. I have even managed to wear maîtres and Steve out.

With the twins if I sneezed I could cum, but not this time. I’m putting it down to maîtres adding edging at least 3 times a day and the fact that when we fuck, well his deliberately backing off when he feels I’m close. Last night he managed to do that 4 times, and when he said on the 5th time “cum for me now, my good girl “. I came for a full 5 minutes, squirting so much the sheets got soaked and I had a blood sugar of 3.2 after. Squirting is something that I don’t do from just penetrate sex, so yes it was a really epic fuck.

For some reason as well, I seem to have gone more submissive than I thought possible. I am pretty much a total service girl and little in daily life. But I have been even more so, and all I want is to make maîtres, more than ever. I have stop swear, I’m not sassing and have stoped putting myself down. But I have also started asking for what I need, from maîtres, babe, Steve, and other people. I mean I even managed to ask to for my popper collar to be but on today, as I was panicking a lot and it is very calming, but it’s not something I would normally do.

My masochist side seems to be coming out to play a lot more as well. I seem to go out of my way to get punishments, I want things like wax play more and I start dripping at the thought of being tied up. This has on the other side, bought out a side of Kitten I love, she has a very well-hidden sadist side, that she seems to leave ear marked just for me.

It has also made maîtres seem to want me more than ever. It’s like he wants people to know I’m pregnant and his. The other day he pretty much tore my panties off to play with me under the table at the pub, and I know damn well people saw what he was doing. But that just made it even more fun!

Well that is to days pixie ramble,

Hugs,

Pixie x

wicked wednesday

Dearest Little one…..

Dearest little one,

This is a hard letter for me to write, hell I never thought I would be in a place in my life that I would want to write it. I always thought I would be fine with just women coming and going in my life. But I have realised I can’t continue on like that, not anymore. I never thought I would meet someone who I would want to have as mine mind, body and soul, but here I am.

I’m terrified of what we have, truly terrified. For the first time in my life I’m not content to just have something open and fun. I want you, all of you. I want you when your happy, sad or angry. I miss you when I go to work in the morning, when your away from my side, with in minutes I feel the loss. When your sad I’m sad, when your happy I’m happy. But it’s more than liking you, it’s a need to have you with me. I can’t sleep without curled up, spooning into me. I can’t eat or concentrate without knowing your safe, cared for and well, it has turned in to my number one job in life to know your ok.

For the first time in my life I know the true mean of home is where the heart is. My house , my bed, my life is empty when your not with me. With your giggles, silliness and smile. The house is so quiet and cold without you in it. But every time I hold in my arms I feel like I’ve come home.

I don’t know when it went from sexual desire , to love, but it has. Now all you have to do is smile and want strip you naked and fuck you. But after that I want cuddle you in my arms, till you fall Asleep, and I get to watch you sleep. This is not who I am , but it’s who I have become, and it’s all your doing.

These two weeks apart have made it clear that I can indeed live without you, but it has also made it clear that I don’t want to live without you. I want you here with me, as my partner, my submissive and my love. The choice is yours and I will respect it , no mater what it is. I hope you will come back, I prey you do. Think hard little one and let me know.

All my love my darling girl,

Always and for ever.

Yours,

Sir x

Wicked Wednesday

Reviews, Uncategorized

Tigger’s collars !

Tigger’s collar – blue stitch collar 14 – 18inch

So, I got this collar as a reward for getting through a shitty period with health, work, and personal stuff. I was given the choice of 3 treats, one of which was something from tigger’s collars. When I looked on line and saw this Devine Blue collar with a stitch charm and bell on it, well I knew what I wanted. I showed maîtres, and he let me get, with a chuckle. He knows how much I adore my collar; how much I love tigger’s collars and he also says that stitch is my Disney princess.

So, with the order placed, I had to, sit on my hands for a few days. Waiting is not my my strong point and I think I may have driven him and the girls nuts. When I got the email saying that it was I route, well I started stalking me poor postman. (Well I do anyway cos, he’s a hottie!). When it finally got to me, I pretty much kiss him, squealed and hugged him. Now the reason for this is down to the whole tigger’s collar unboxing joy. They turn up in a little brown box, but when you break the seal, undo the tape, and open it up, well that is when the magic begins.

Wrapped in tissue paper is your collar, in a little draw string bag. Tigger is also widely known for added extras. This time I got sweeties, extra charms, and bells. As it was my reward I could have the sweeties straight away. But the best bit, after the actual collar, was a stitch charm on a chain. That is now in my jewellery box. The collar it’s self was perfect. It is a beautiful blue, matching stitching, that fits like a dream. It was so wonderful that I begged to be allowed to keep it on and to sleep in it. (Which I did)

Safe to say I love the collar so much, that I wanted to wear it all the time. But it also has had the effect of every time I but it on I instantly turn little. So much so I have done maîtres a deal, this collar is going to be my little space collar. If I feel little, I can give it to him and be little when I need to be.

So, if you want beautiful hand made collars, for subbie littles, kinky princesses, or bratty little boys. From a maker who has great communication skills and customer service. Oh, and to make your littles day when they open the box, then Tigger’s collars is the place for you!

Hugs,

Pixie x

broken brained, From the heart, musings of pixie heart

Sunday morning.

I never thought motherhood was going to be easy or a free ride, no I knew it would be hard as hell at times. But for me it’s been great, for the most part. I love my little girls, they are one of the best things I’ve done with my life. But what nobody warned me about is just how exhausting they can be. It feels like I have been running on empty for years not days. It would seem they are both teething, so are grumpy and snarky in the day time. But at night , or should I say the early am they turn into insomniacs , who seem to think their feet are really funny and need to chat to mummy about it, and when they have told my about their toes, tiny, chubby ankles and how they can fit their sisters toes in their mouths, they doze off , with soft snores. But when I lay them in their cots to sleep and turn to leave them, one farts, waking themselves up, shrieking with fright, and waking their sister up. So it’s back to cuddles, chats and calming them down. Not the sort of all nighter I had in mind.

It’s after one of our early am chats that maîtser found me asleep on a bean bag this morning. I love the fact that I have rules to follow about everything, but if my daughters need me they can be over looked. But as well as that I love that maîtser and I have CNC in place, and not just the sexy kind. No I mean the loving kind. The kind that means I get woken up with a kiss, taken down stairs and made to eat what ever is but in front of me. Then hustled in to a hot shower, then a warm fluffy towel, then clean clothes and then tucked in to bed , with a stuffie and orders to sleep. And because I’m his good girl, and mildly exhausted , I have no problem with that at all.

But when the sexy side of our CNC decides I have slept and rested for long enough, and he gathers me up in to his arms, roughly foundling my breast, and biting down hard on my neck. Well not only do I know it’s time to wake up, but I’m going to get used in the most delightful way. When his hand travel down over my rib cage, the curve of my hip, dipping under the waist band of my yoga pants and roughly caressing them down my legs, with my panties, bunching at my knees. I tense and pretend to struggle a little , so his hand will go round my throat and he growls in my ear to behave, to hold still, that I’m his and he will do as he wants with me, it leaves my with no doubt he loves me.

When his other hand plunges in to My folds, and pulls my leg up and back over his, I know what’s coming, his marking me as his, making sure I know damned well that I’m his. Biting my neck, he pulls his hand from me, and I feel him unbuckle his belt and push open the fly. Then his hand is guiding his cock inside me, and he starts fucking me . It’s deliciously harsh, fast and hard. It’s not the beautiful love making, but it’s what I need. It is pure feeling, want and need.

Gently he flips me on to my tummy, pulling my bum and hips up, still fucking me. His hands move to the small of back and my neck, pushing it firmly in to pillow. He fucks me so fiercely , that it is nearly painful. Then his hand come round and under me, find my clit with his thumb , circling it with a determined ferocity that is startling. His close I can feel, and I know that if I struggle and whimper a little , he will love what he is doing to me even more, so I do. That is all it takes , and he looses his control , and so do I. Cumming so hard I think I must of blacked out a little.

Collapsing on top of me , he pulls himself from me , flopping on to his side, panting . Leaving me laying there , stunned and used. I get a hard swat to my arse and in commanding tone he says ‘up , I want feeding’ and with that he is up and off downstairs . I hurriedly collect myself , pulling my clothes back on and smoothing down my hair. Not bothering to clean myself up, loving the feeling of how utterly used and marked his made me feel. I run down stair to carry on taking care of his needs , the way he has done for me.

And why do I do this, cos I love, trust and adore him , as he does me.

Pixie x

From the heart, musings of pixie heart

Staging a comeback.

So, I feel like I need to write about this, it feels like the elephant that is in the room, and it is bothering me. I know I seem to be blogging gloomy crap right now. I don’t mean to, I really don’t, I just have stuff in my head that seems to want to make its way out. I would try and stop it, but if I don’t let it out, well it hurts and that hurt gets so bad it is like the worst heartbreak and physical pain all mixed together. What is this elephant that I have running around my head? Well I don’t hide the fact that I tried to kill myself, but I do avoid talking about it and I know how unconfutable it makes people feel when I talk about it. But I need to so, here goes…
First up I want to set a couple of things straight. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I tried to end my life a few times. the were half assed attempts, done when I was backed in to a corner and out of anger. They were never about needing attention or wanting to hurt other people. Nor was I being selfish, wallowing in self-pity and defiantly not about other people. It was very much about me and how bitterly I hate myself. I also Self harmed by cutting myself, again this was not done for attention or as a cry for help. It was a way of dealing with anger and self-loathing that I felt, I chose to turn that back in on me, instead of lashing out on people I loved. However, the last time I tried to kill myself, well I meant that to work.
It happened about 8 weeks after the whole break up shit with my ex happened. Looking back, I can see I was sick, really sick. My body was doing a great job healing from the rape and beating that had been infected on me. But my mind, well that was not doing so good. I was numb, I felt nothing or everything all at once. But I grew up believing that mental illness and suffering with it was a sin, something to be hidden and never spoken about publicly. So, I hid the depression, the panic, the tears, and pain. Over the years I have learnt really well to stamp down on things that hurt and not to get upset in front of people.
The days and weeks that followed, were getting harder and harder to deal with. It was around 2 weeks after this that my brain really shut down. I was barley sleeping, eating, and drinking and maxed out on my meds. So, to cope, my brain decided to switch of, shutting down. I started to lose time, I would look at the clock and then when looked back a few minutes later, 2 hours would have passed. I’m here to say when you lose track of time and space like that, it is almost the most frightening thing in the world.
It got worse and worse, and I got the point of having to do something about it. I could have gone and spoken to someone, no I should have gone and spoken to somebody about it. But I the only thing I came up with was suicided. I knew I had an infection, but instead of getting help with it I hid it from those around me. I told people I needed space and I got it. Had a month’s supply of all my meds. I picked a night when I knew I would be on my own, I sat down with a bottle of vodka, took my pills, walked up the stairs to the bedroom I had nearly died in, lay down and waited for everything to stop.
What I had not counted on was my friends knowing something was not right (Thank the gods for my Darling Kitten), my sisters being very nosy and me forgetting to get my house key back off my Daddy. I was found just in time, but I was in bad shape and very nearly did not pull through. But my body, had other ideas and it decided to keep fighting. I don’t remember much about the first few days in hospital. I remember my sisters and daddy crying, Aunty May turning up and refusing to leave my bedside. I remember kisses on my nose from Kitten, my and being held by a gruff old bear that maitster. I remember my priest coming and saying preys.
When I was out of danger, well that is when things got tough. I want no more than to go home. But that was not going to happen. I was weak as flip, and my head was all over the shop. I was given 2 options by my sisters and doctors either voluntary stay in hospital and coverless and get help from professionals, or they would section me. no brainer really.
I was moved to a pulmonary and cardiac rehab centre, as I had fucked my lungs with the infection I had. so that became my home for the next 2 months. It was in the first few weeks that I put in some very hard work to get my head together. I was speaking to 3 counsels’ and a clinic therapist. I had to see my Cpn twice a week and was reviewed weekly by doctors. I was a mess. It was this time that mistier kind of came back into my life, or in to my life, depending how you look at it.
I have always said, we have been D/s before we even knew it. I was in hospital, angry at been treated like a child, when he came to visit. I ranted about how unfair it all was, and you no what he did?? He listens to what I said and when I finished, he decided to set me straight. He told me that people thought I was going to die, that I had acted foolishly, that I had lost their trust and that I was now acting like a brat. It was the first time anyone had been that open and honest with me in weeks. It made me break down in tears, and boy did I cry!
When I calmed down he asked me what I wanted to do. I said go home, hug my dogs, and get better, and most of all I wanted to be treated like a grown up again. So, he offered to help me. but the were rules and I had to do the hard work of fixing myself, he was not going to do it for me. That was when my ear pricked, everyone had been saying you need to do this or that and he was the first person who asked me what I wanted to do. So, I jumped at his offer. That’s when I got my first 3 rules from maitser . they were, no more lies, no hiding things and I had to keep talking to him.

Well that was 6 years ago, and oh how things have changed. I have gone from stupid, frightened little girl.to a strong woman, who knows her own mind and who will fight her own corner. I went from friend, to lover, to submissive, to girlfriend, to fiancé, to wife and landed at mother. I now have everything I never knew I wanted or needed. I’m finally truly myself.
But it has been tough. The have been times that I have fallen, but it has been me who has myself up off the ground, every time. I have had set backs, blips and melt downs. It has been hard work, putting me back together. I have people who help me and who are routing for me and will hold my hand when I need them to. but I did not do this for them. Nope, I did it for me. it has made me stronger than I ever thought I could be, it has made me, who I needed to be. And it has made me so determined to never ever go back to be a victim, ever again. I always get offend if some one calls me a victim of domestic abuse or rape. I’m no victim, I’m a saviour, and that has turned me in to a warrior.
So that is my ramble about how I made my come back. It has left me feel stronger, calm, and happier than I thought it would. And before you ask, yes, the epic, depressing post will hopefully be ending soon, promise!
Hugs,
Pixie x

broken brained, From the heart, musings of pixie heart, social

From the heart – broken brain update

Hello, hi , hay! So I have not been posting that much or writing much. Normally when that happens , well it’s down to life is busy or I’m working or I have important stuff happening. But not this time people. This time it’s because I don’t or haven’t seen the point. My depression is back and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I’m not coping well, I’m angry, confused and tired. I feel invisible, unliked and ugly. I am hurting , sore and had started hating myself again.

I don’t hide that I have mental health problems, well illness. But I fight it , every bloody day and for the most part I’m winning. But over the last few weeks, not so much. This has largely been bought on by my mum being sick and her death. But the have been other thing at play to. My gp changing my meds with out consulting me or my physiatrist or me, has thrown me off balance. He changed my antidepressant to normal to modified release. Meaning that in the morning I would get a massive high, a huge kick of happy , that by 2.30 pm was leaving and by 5 pm was leaving me flat and on a downward spiral. He cut my main anxiety meds from 5mg 6 times a day, to 1mg 4 times a day. Meaning my anxiety level went from liveable, to through the roof and frightened to level the house. He increased my thyroid meds from 200 mg to 350mg straight away. Meaning I got even more anxious, slept less and felt every so slightly manic. Added to this he stop my anti inflammatory med and took out 2 levels of my pain medication plan. Leaving me trying to cope on less pain medication than I need , not wanting to jump to the really high levels.

Now normally I can cope with a depressive bleep, but I have been dealing with loss and grieve, for people I loved or had very mixed and complex feelings for. Not knowing how to feel or deal with, well it all started to get to much again. I was going through the motions each day, but not feeling anything. I was numb and confused. It’s when this happens that the anxiety and ocd side of my kicks in . I also start to get paranoid and start seeing things in other people’s behaviour towards me that makes me even more paranoid and sad. People not replying to msgs , cos they are busy and stressed , to me is them saying I hate you, get out my life, your a vile bitch and I hate you. It’s not the case , but in my head it was or is. It’s like the worse form of rejection and it hurts. Then the voices start to come back, telling me I’m worthless , hopeless , ugly, vile and a waist of oxygen. Trust me they frighten the fuck out of me.

I got to Thursday last week , and I was dragging my bum out of bed , and just going through the motion of being me. To an outsider I looked like I was doing good. That’s cos I have , over the years got good at putting on a front of being good. I had to, or thought I had too. I don’t like bringing people down or being a pain. I mean I’m the sad sack , why should I bring them down with me, right. I stop a sling things, or for help or for support . I but inside, every time I see someone happy , it twists the knife and kills me a little more.

By Friday , well the pain, hurt and yucky feelings got to much. They left me feeling so sad and anxious, it becomes like a physical pain. So strong it takes you breath away and brings tears to my eyes. I was hurting so bad I started to lash out at people. Not hitting or slapping , but with spiteful words and hurtful actions. I grumped at people on twitter, I thought ill of people and refused cuddles from my darling kitten. Things came to head when uncle Fred ask me how I was doing, and I just broke in to a thousand pieces. Thankfully or sadly , depending how you look at it, he and kitten knew I was not well. The called maîtser, who came home from work. Took all my. Tech away and made me take my meds for anxiety attacks . I was tucked in bed with little bear, I cried and feel asleep in her arms.

Maîtser knew what to do, he always does. He came home from work, checked my tech and meds . (I used to hide things that upset me and I have some times stopped taking my meds when I’m poorly). He phoned my cpn and got him to do a home visit. They looked and saw what had happened with my meds , and my cpn phoned and dealt with my gp and my meds. They got my an appointment to see my head doctor for Monday and agreed on a plan for the weekend. Basically I had to do as I was told, rest and let myself be looked after. I think not having to think about stuff and being looked after was really what so needed. I went to bed on Friday, took my sleep meds and slept for 13 hours straight. I spent Saturday playing with my dogs, watching Disney films and cuddling my babies. Sunday I wrote a little, went out for a roast dinner, played with my babies , cuddled kitten and wrote a little more.

Well Monday morning hot hear, and I was a terrified again. I still had in my head that I was having some sort of phycotic break or something worse and that oil was going to be made to stay in hospital. Aunty May came with me, even coming In with me (I seriously thank the nhs needs great aunties as a way to help look after people with mental Health problems) . After 20 mins of chatting and looking at things, the verdict was in. I’ve not gone mad, or lost the plot or need to stay in hospital. What is wrong with me then? My mother died, my dr changed my meds, triggering a depressive blip and I could not cope with it. Simple! We have made a plan on how to deal with this. It involves medication, therapy , hard work and time. But I have a plan, and when I have a plan , well it sort of makes me see I can and will get better.

But I have also had to realise some pretty hard truths, that really have hurt to come to. The are people who I have hurt, and they may not want me around for a while. That some people may not want me as a friend or in theief lives. That people sometimes only have time for the happy , funny and silly pixie. My behaviour has made me open to critasism and reproach . That some people say one thing and mean another. That I am only human and myself, and that even if they say not , that is not enough or what they want. That others are more their. Up of tea . And even though it should not matter , that my bad mental health, is not something they want to deal with or have in their world. I have to except this and move on but it hurts like hell and it is the thing I’m struggling to except, and will take a long time to deal with or get used to not being enough, but I’ll get their. It is hard to except , it hurts and is going to for a long time. But I guess the is worse things than losing people you thought were friends and liked you. It just hurts and makes me feel invisible.

Well that’s the end to this mental health ramble . Self pity and whining will be kept to a mom I promise and normal pixie is back soon, just not yet.

Hugs,

Pixie

Masturbation Monday, Uncategorized

A lunchtime delight.

A lunchtime delight.

The house work is done, dogs are walked and feed , babies are out to lunch with their nana. The house is still and quiet, except for the hum of the washer, a slight snore from a sleeping Hound , and the overly loud ticking of the kitchen clock. I should make myself sit down and write or answer the boring emails, but I’m in the mood for teasing and misbehaving. So it is time to strip off my top, make sure my boobs are looking delightful, and take a boob selfie. (Thank you so much candysnatchreviews ????) . It gets texted to maîtser, along with a message reading ‘are you coming home for lunch? You could eat me if you want????????’ . Knowing fully well that he is in a meeting at work and what it will do to him.

My phone beeps 5 minutes later, and I’m not shocked to see that it’s from maîtser. But my fingers tremble slightly as I open the message, not from fear but from anticipation, want and need. It simply reads ‘on my way home, be naked and in bed. We’re not eating , your getting spanked and fucked, be ready’ . That is enough to have me making puddles in my chair.

Looking at the clock , I jump up from my chair and fly up the stairs . Stripping off my clothes and throwing in dirty clothes hamper. I grab my hair brush and drag it through the mass of unruly curls, tying them up in a high pony tail. Next I check my face, adding a little mascara, pinching my checks to add a little lush to my pale checks. (Of all things to inherit from my nana, I got her big toes, pale skin, curly red hair , and the dimples on my bum) I grab my tooth brush, giving my teeth a super quick scrub, rinsing with some mouth wash. Then it’s a little lipstick, sprites of perfume and grabbing my play collar. The purple one, plan , simply and to the point, pretty much like me!

I hear the car pull up on the drive outside, just as I reach the bed. I dive on the bed , settling back on haunches, legs spread, back straight, head held high and eyes down cast. Arms out stretched, collar in my hands. I hear the door downstairs open and slam shut behind you and then your slow delperate tread on the stairs. I have now idea how the flip it takes you so long to walk up 2 flights of stairs. I am getting more and more fidgety the longer you take, is that why you take so long?

Then the door knob to the bedroom turns oh so slowly, and the door opens, in what seems like slow motion, and in you walk. Bold as brass , cocky and full of that confidence that is so you. You walk to the side of the bed, unclasping my chain day collar, and putting it on the dresser. For a brief second I feel truly naked with no collar round my neck, but as soon as you take the collar from my trembling fingers , placing round my neck, buckling and snapping it’s padlock firmly shut, I feel as if I’m clothed again. You remove you shoes, tie, socks and shirt, and join me on the bed. Sitting with you back against the head bored, legs outstretched and wide apart. You place a pillow between them and pat the pillow. With a soft tone , you utter “come lay down little one” , motioning for me to lay across your lap and except my punishment, like a good girl.

I always love laying across your knee, it feels like home. But the fact you now lay a pillow down so my tummy has something soft and supporting it, so the baby does not get squashed. With it the fact I get to wriggle , stretch and wiggle till I’m comfortable and can feel what that does to you , well it’s yummy! “You finished my little mouse?” You say , with bemused humorous tones? Not looking up , I nod and sigh, resting my head on my arms, wait for that first slap and the beautiful sting and burn.

When it lands , its sharp and sweeter than I could of hoped for. I count each smack and remember to thank you for all of them. He keeps them coming, harder and sharp than the last, and each one excites me a little more! He finish with such a hard blow, that I know I’ll have a hell of a bruised bottom, that I will be proud to show off if ask to!

He runs his fingers over my bum, deeps between my folds, to find me wet and ready to go. “Did you enjoy that little mouse” he chuckles. I nod that I did , as he brings his fingers to my mouth for me to taste myself and hungrily clean his fingers.

All of a sudden I’m flipped off his lap and on to my back, landing with soft thud and a slight squeak. Next thing I know his back on me, only this time his gloriously naked , hard and ready for action. Planting a hard , possessive kiss on my waiting lips , and surging into me at the same time. As hard as the blow from his hand, his public bone hits my clit over and over. Knowing better than coming with out pumishtion , I claw at his back and bit down on his shoulder, praying he lets me come. I can feel how close he is and then with a roar his shouts at me to come, as his climax takes me over the edge, to my own shattering climax.

The next thing I know , he rolls on to his side snuggling me in to him , as I drift off to sleep.

I wake soon after , to the smell of hot cinnamon bagels and the feeling of my bum being rubbed. “Wake up little one, I have to get back to work. Eat this, drink your milk and rest for an hour” he says , place a kiss on my nose. I stretch , open my eyes and smile a lazy grin. With one last lingering kiss his gone, leaving me to my beagle and the wonderful after glow of my lunch time delight.

Masturbation Monday