broken brained, family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life

Fessing up time – the bad behaviour of Pixie Heart.

So yesterday (Saturday )was a shitty day in this pixie pop’s head. I woke up feeling sick and giddy , with a very low mood and not really wanting to be around people. The day sort of just nosed dived from there really . I grumped at people, whined , stamped my feet and acted like a total brat. I refused desert at dinner and got stroppy when I was told to take a bath and go to bed early. So in the bath I got and had that ‘ahhhh’ moment , only for it to go away when I could not get in to the Loving BDSM munch. Me not thinking right, sort of went ‘ oh grate I have been blocked and everyone hates me’ (not the simply answer of they are having horrid on going tech problems) . But out of frustration, anxiety and a feeling of being totally lost, We this little pixie erupted to the vile monster I become when an anxiety attack hits me. I feel I need to mark the difference in a panic attack and and anxiety attack. Panic attacks are normally sudden , coming out of the blue and can normally end quickly, but not always . The are a lot of physical sides such as shacking , breathing heavily and feeling sick. Anxiety attacks build up over time and will normally have a different trigger. The are explosive, frightening and last a long time. They have a lot of the same physical effects of panic attacks and normally need medication to bring them under control. That may also lead to an extended depressive episode, psychotic break or a dissociative episode. Both are vile and any one who has them has my sympathy.

Anyway back to what I’m meant to be doing. I took meds, slept, woke feeling drained, tearful and repentant . I apologised to everyone I grumped at, but I also knew that the was going to be consequences for my actions, the always are and rightly so. The first part was / is to fess up and admit what I did and What rules I broke, so here we go…. (buckle up buckle up yell)

• I grumped at Maister , kitten , little bear ,babe and steve, when they offered help or support.

• I grumped at people online via email, twitter and DM , again this is very much not acceptable behaviour.

• I refused to let babe take Connie when she would not settle.

• I refused cuddles from kitten and snapped at her to leave me alone.

• I shouted at maîtser for moving knives in the kitchen without telling me. We do not use raised voices in this household and I do have the right to tell maîtser off.

• I did not tell maîtser how much weight I have lost, just that I lost weight. I know I should tell him as it can impact seriously on my health.

• I forgot to ask for sleep meds when I woke up crying in the night and refused cuddles to help calm me down.

• I scratched at the worry spot on my neck , behind my left ear and on my low back, making them bleed and open up. This is a form of self harm

• I have started swearing again. This is a basic rule break and I know very well how much Babe dislikes it.

• I put myself over 30 times a day for at least 5 days. Major problem and breaks at least 4 rules.

• Pushed myself to the point of physical and emotional exhaustion, but refused comfort form kitten and little bear.

• Skipped my nap time 4days in a row.

• Skipped my snacks, at least once a day for a week.

• Skipped a dentist and dermatologist appointment.

• Refused to take pain medication when needed .

• Refused to stay in bed when asked to rest.

• Back chatted and spoke out of turn to Babe 3 times.

• Sassed maîtser and grumped at him for telling me to take a nap

• I had things niggling on my mind, but let them fester, instead of talking to maîtser

.

So those are my crimes. It the first time ever that I have not thought hold up that’s not fair. I have been a right cow bag over the last month or so and I realise how grumpy and horrid I have been. So now for the rest of the punishment and this time maîtser has got all the Dom’s in my life to have some input in to it! As I said the first part is sitting down and writing down what I did and then listing the punishment I’m given. I put may not seem a huge thing to many people, but it is a very humbling thing to me. It is a way of showing I’m not perfect, I fuck up and the is always a price for those fuck ups. So the punishment safe as follows.

• Loss of all unsupervised free time for the next 2 weeks.

• Doctor and dentist appointments rebooked, attended , with aunt May.

• No back chat, sassing or grumping at anyone.

• No swearing what so ever. 10 for each swear word with Babes hair brush.

• Work outs 2 times a week with Steve, working on excretion , form and strength. For the next 4 weeks

• 30 mins of yoga a day, as set by babe . For the next 4 weeks.

• Swimming lessons weekly with maîtser, for the next 8 weeks.

• To drink 3 lt of water a day and to carry my water bottle at all times.

• To eat 2500 kl a day, everyday.

• To reach my 40000steps a week goal , but not exceeding it by more than 40000.

• To write for 60mins 3 times a day working towards a word goal of 10000 a week, for the next 6 weeks.

• One story for MM, kotw, and wicked Wednesday to be written and submitted over the next 6 weeks.

• Blog post to be written about why I brake rules and why I keep getting punishment for them.

• Blog post about the 5 Parts of my body I dislike the most and why I dislike them.

• Blog post about my top 5 phobias , why I have them and how they hold me back.

• To read and comment on 5 blog post a day for the next 6weeks. Turning the my top 3 in to a #SoSS post on a Saturday, for the next 6 weeks.

• Daily public affirmations to be done and blogged about.

• CNC is enforce for the next 6weeks, and covers affection from the girls and any PDA.

• To wear what I am told every day, no back chatting. For the next 6 weeks.

• To eat what I am told when I’m told for the next 6 weeks.

• 9.30pm bed time is in force for the next 6 weeks and a 10.30 lights out is in place.

So that’s my punishment and here’s hoping the next six weeks go without a hitch. But more than anything I hope I can do better and not let maîtser or myself down again.

Hugs,

Pixie x

broken brained, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., socail

From the heart – broken brain update

Hello, hi , hay! So I have not been posting that much or writing much. Normally when that happens , well it’s down to life is busy or I’m working or I have important stuff happening. But not this time people. This time it’s because I don’t or haven’t seen the point. My depression is back and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I’m not coping well, I’m angry, confused and tired. I feel invisible, unliked and ugly. I am hurting , sore and had started hating myself again.

I don’t hide that I have mental health problems, well illness. But I fight it , every bloody day and for the most part I’m winning. But over the last few weeks, not so much. This has largely been bought on by my mum being sick and her death. But the have been other thing at play to. My gp changing my meds with out consulting me or my physiatrist or me, has thrown me off balance. He changed my antidepressant to normal to modified release. Meaning that in the morning I would get a massive high, a huge kick of happy , that by 2.30 pm was leaving and by 5 pm was leaving me flat and on a downward spiral. He cut my main anxiety meds from 5mg 6 times a day, to 1mg 4 times a day. Meaning my anxiety level went from liveable, to through the roof and frightened to level the house. He increased my thyroid meds from 200 mg to 350mg straight away. Meaning I got even more anxious, slept less and felt every so slightly manic. Added to this he stop my anti inflammatory med and took out 2 levels of my pain medication plan. Leaving me trying to cope on less pain medication than I need , not wanting to jump to the really high levels.

Now normally I can cope with a depressive bleep, but I have been dealing with loss and grieve, for people I loved or had very mixed and complex feelings for. Not knowing how to feel or deal with, well it all started to get to much again. I was going through the motions each day, but not feeling anything. I was numb and confused. It’s when this happens that the anxiety and ocd side of my kicks in . I also start to get paranoid and start seeing things in other people’s behaviour towards me that makes me even more paranoid and sad. People not replying to msgs , cos they are busy and stressed , to me is them saying I hate you, get out my life, your a vile bitch and I hate you. It’s not the case , but in my head it was or is. It’s like the worse form of rejection and it hurts. Then the voices start to come back, telling me I’m worthless , hopeless , ugly, vile and a waist of oxygen. Trust me they frighten the fuck out of me.

I got to Thursday last week , and I was dragging my bum out of bed , and just going through the motion of being me. To an outsider I looked like I was doing good. That’s cos I have , over the years got good at putting on a front of being good. I had to, or thought I had too. I don’t like bringing people down or being a pain. I mean I’m the sad sack , why should I bring them down with me, right. I stop a sling things, or for help or for support . I but inside, every time I see someone happy , it twists the knife and kills me a little more.

By Friday , well the pain, hurt and yucky feelings got to much. They left me feeling so sad and anxious, it becomes like a physical pain. So strong it takes you breath away and brings tears to my eyes. I was hurting so bad I started to lash out at people. Not hitting or slapping , but with spiteful words and hurtful actions. I grumped at people on twitter, I thought ill of people and refused cuddles from my darling kitten. Things came to head when uncle Fred ask me how I was doing, and I just broke in to a thousand pieces. Thankfully or sadly , depending how you look at it, he and kitten knew I was not well. The called maîtser, who came home from work. Took all my. Tech away and made me take my meds for anxiety attacks . I was tucked in bed with little bear, I cried and feel asleep in her arms.

Maîtser knew what to do, he always does. He came home from work, checked my tech and meds . (I used to hide things that upset me and I have some times stopped taking my meds when I’m poorly). He phoned my cpn and got him to do a home visit. They looked and saw what had happened with my meds , and my cpn phoned and dealt with my gp and my meds. They got my an appointment to see my head doctor for Monday and agreed on a plan for the weekend. Basically I had to do as I was told, rest and let myself be looked after. I think not having to think about stuff and being looked after was really what so needed. I went to bed on Friday, took my sleep meds and slept for 13 hours straight. I spent Saturday playing with my dogs, watching Disney films and cuddling my babies. Sunday I wrote a little, went out for a roast dinner, played with my babies , cuddled kitten and wrote a little more.

Well Monday morning hot hear, and I was a terrified again. I still had in my head that I was having some sort of phycotic break or something worse and that oil was going to be made to stay in hospital. Aunty May came with me, even coming In with me (I seriously thank the nhs needs great aunties as a way to help look after people with mental Health problems) . After 20 mins of chatting and looking at things, the verdict was in. I’ve not gone mad, or lost the plot or need to stay in hospital. What is wrong with me then? My mother died, my dr changed my meds, triggering a depressive blip and I could not cope with it. Simple! We have made a plan on how to deal with this. It involves medication, therapy , hard work and time. But I have a plan, and when I have a plan , well it sort of makes me see I can and will get better.

But I have also had to realise some pretty hard truths, that really have hurt to come to. The are people who I have hurt, and they may not want me around for a while. That some people may not want me as a friend or in theief lives. That people sometimes only have time for the happy , funny and silly pixie. My behaviour has made me open to critasism and reproach . That some people say one thing and mean another. That I am only human and myself, and that even if they say not , that is not enough or what they want. That others are more their. Up of tea . And even though it should not matter , that my bad mental health, is not something they want to deal with or have in their world. I have to except this and move on but it hurts like hell and it is the thing I’m struggling to except, and will take a long time to deal with or get used to not being enough, but I’ll get their. It is hard to except , it hurts and is going to for a long time. But I guess the is worse things than losing people you thought were friends and liked you. It just hurts and makes me feel invisible.

Well that’s the end to this mental health ramble . Self pity and whining will be kept to a mom I promise and normal pixie is back soon, just not yet.

Hugs,

Pixie

Masturbation Monday, Uncategorized

A lunchtime delight.

A lunchtime delight.

The house work is done, dogs are walked and feed , babies are out to lunch with their nana. The house is still and quiet, except for the hum of the washer, a slight snore from a sleeping Hound , and the overly loud ticking of the kitchen clock. I should make myself sit down and write or answer the boring emails, but I’m in the mood for teasing and misbehaving. So it is time to strip off my top, make sure my boobs are looking delightful, and take a boob selfie. (Thank you so much candysnatchreviews 😘) . It gets texted to maîtser, along with a message reading ‘are you coming home for lunch? You could eat me if you want😋😉’ . Knowing fully well that he is in a meeting at work and what it will do to him.

My phone beeps 5 minutes later, and I’m not shocked to see that it’s from maîtser. But my fingers tremble slightly as I open the message, not from fear but from anticipation, want and need. It simply reads ‘on my way home, be naked and in bed. We’re not eating , your getting spanked and fucked, be ready’ . That is enough to have me making puddles in my chair.

Looking at the clock , I jump up from my chair and fly up the stairs . Stripping off my clothes and throwing in dirty clothes hamper. I grab my hair brush and drag it through the mass of unruly curls, tying them up in a high pony tail. Next I check my face, adding a little mascara, pinching my checks to add a little lush to my pale checks. (Of all things to inherit from my nana, I got her big toes, pale skin, curly red hair , and the dimples on my bum) I grab my tooth brush, giving my teeth a super quick scrub, rinsing with some mouth wash. Then it’s a little lipstick, sprites of perfume and grabbing my play collar. The purple one, plan , simply and to the point, pretty much like me!

I hear the car pull up on the drive outside, just as I reach the bed. I dive on the bed , settling back on haunches, legs spread, back straight, head held high and eyes down cast. Arms out stretched, collar in my hands. I hear the door downstairs open and slam shut behind you and then your slow delperate tread on the stairs. I have now idea how the flip it takes you so long to walk up 2 flights of stairs. I am getting more and more fidgety the longer you take, is that why you take so long?

Then the door knob to the bedroom turns oh so slowly, and the door opens, in what seems like slow motion, and in you walk. Bold as brass , cocky and full of that confidence that is so you. You walk to the side of the bed, unclasping my chain day collar, and putting it on the dresser. For a brief second I feel truly naked with no collar round my neck, but as soon as you take the collar from my trembling fingers , placing round my neck, buckling and snapping it’s padlock firmly shut, I feel as if I’m clothed again. You remove you shoes, tie, socks and shirt, and join me on the bed. Sitting with you back against the head bored, legs outstretched and wide apart. You place a pillow between them and pat the pillow. With a soft tone , you utter “come lay down little one” , motioning for me to lay across your lap and except my punishment, like a good girl.

I always love laying across your knee, it feels like home. But the fact you now lay a pillow down so my tummy has something soft and supporting it, so the baby does not get squashed. With it the fact I get to wriggle , stretch and wiggle till I’m comfortable and can feel what that does to you , well it’s yummy! “You finished my little mouse?” You say , with bemused humorous tones? Not looking up , I nod and sigh, resting my head on my arms, wait for that first slap and the beautiful sting and burn.

When it lands , its sharp and sweeter than I could of hoped for. I count each smack and remember to thank you for all of them. He keeps them coming, harder and sharp than the last, and each one excites me a little more! He finish with such a hard blow, that I know I’ll have a hell of a bruised bottom, that I will be proud to show off if ask to!

He runs his fingers over my bum, deeps between my folds, to find me wet and ready to go. “Did you enjoy that little mouse” he chuckles. I nod that I did , as he brings his fingers to my mouth for me to taste myself and hungrily clean his fingers.

All of a sudden I’m flipped off his lap and on to my back, landing with soft thud and a slight squeak. Next thing I know his back on me, only this time his gloriously naked , hard and ready for action. Planting a hard , possessive kiss on my waiting lips , and surging into me at the same time. As hard as the blow from his hand, his public bone hits my clit over and over. Knowing better than coming with out pumishtion , I claw at his back and bit down on his shoulder, praying he lets me come. I can feel how close he is and then with a roar his shouts at me to come, as his climax takes me over the edge, to my own shattering climax.

The next thing I know , he rolls on to his side snuggling me in to him , as I drift off to sleep.

I wake soon after , to the smell of hot cinnamon bagels and the feeling of my bum being rubbed. “Wake up little one, I have to get back to work. Eat this, drink your milk and rest for an hour” he says , place a kiss on my nose. I stretch , open my eyes and smile a lazy grin. With one last lingering kiss his gone, leaving me to my beagle and the wonderful after glow of my lunch time delight.

Masturbation Monday

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail

Twitter followers give away, with tigger’s collars!

1000 Twitter followers give away, with tigger’s collars!

So a few weeks ago I was taking a stroll round Etsy , looking for a birthday present for my daddy (my father). When I stumbled across the most beautiful folio case ever, In lilac and baby blue. That takes a A4 pad of paper , with little pockets and clips for my pen and pencils. The downs side , well the fact that It cost almost £100! I can’t get my head round spending that much on myself or would I. So I took it to maîtser and asked if the was away to ‘earn it’. Him being my wonderful , fun Dom he came up with a list of tasks and challenges for me to work, with the end reward being the folio case. One of the goals was to get my twitter following from 666 to 1000. Well We’ve changed a few, due to work load , my mother illness and her passing and finding out we have baby number 3 on the way! But the twitter one stayed the same. The closer I got to the big the 1000 mark ,the more I wanted to do something to say thank you to lovely people who followed me. But I wanted It to be something very pixie-ish. Not being able to post unicorns to people, the next biggest pixie-ish thing I. Outdoor think of was my collar, and when I think collar , I think tigger’s collars! So I quite boldly, well for me asked tigger if I could give a gift voucher for her online store away, and it was met with a massive yes!

I have been a massive fan of tigger’s collar for a long time. They are beautifully made, with love and care . They are quality , leather , vegan leather or pvc based . With fabulous ready to wear options, that sing to my little, submissive side. Put by far the best bit is the build your own option! I have 3 of them, and I would wear them 24/ 7 if I could , but I can’t really wear my princess collar or spiked one to mass on Sunday, but I would if I could! With tigger you can pretty much email her and say can I have it x, y and z?and she will pretty much be able to make you , your dream collar. Then the is the arrival of your collar. Dear lord, all I will say is it’s like a birthday, Christmas and all your treats in a discrete little box In the post. Lol master says that every sub / little / kitten / princess should get to open a tiggers’s collar at one point in their life. Lol.

So fast forward to now, and I have 1000 followers and we have a give away! So what / how is going to work? Well I’m posting a tweet, saying to enter like this tweet to enter, names will be noted and after 10days, it will be closed , names go in a hat and a very lucky winner will be drawn! The is also going to be 3 small prizes of pixie post for 3 little’s as well , to sort of celebrate the birth of the undercover little! So let’s get this started!

Pixie x

Ps -this Is being posted by kitten , as pixie pops is poorly, but really wanted to get this going!

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart.

She is gone.

 

Late yesterday afternoon Maîtser got a phone call. IT was one of those where he picks his phone up, sighs, and hits the answer button. His bright “hello Sophie, how are you”, turned to him sitting up straight, white faced and saying in a hushed tone “oh god, when?”. The question I knew would be coming any day. He fished the call, turn to me and utter 3 words “She is gone”. Then wrapped me in his arms as the enormity of them hit me full force.

What happened? Who is gone? Who is she? You maybe asking, well she is or was my mother, and she has passed away, after a 6month battle with cancer. I knew she did not have long left and I knew she was very ill, but the was part of me that thought, no, she’ll never actually die. My mother followed in her mother’s foot steps of being a very stubborn and head strong lady, so I never really believed she would go. Cos she was so stubborn!

I have written about my mother and how badly we got on, or as maîtser says how brilliantly we did not get on. But I still loved her, even though I did not like her. She was, in her own way a very strong lady, who I can’t help but admire for what she achieved. But was at times a cruel bully, who looked out for number one. Who was spiteful and had a vicious tongue. But I still loved her, after all she was my mum.

What am I left with? How do I grieve? How am I meant to feel? Well I guess I’m left feeling a little numb, shocked, and kind of in limbo. I’ve cried, I got angry and I cried some more. I have talked about it, hugged my babies and eaten ice cream. The truth is although I’m sad and upset she is gone, but the is part of me that more than anything is relieved. She was so ill, and in so much pain that it must have been a happy release. (Cop out term I think).

But what it has done is make me so very thankful for the amazing ‘mother’s’ I’ve got in my lifer had. My nana, who raised me and taught me to love. Aunty May who inspire, Mother’s me, and pushes me to be a better me. My mother in law, who is like the mum I never had and who loves me like the daughter she never had. I am a very lucky lady indeed.

What it’s made very clear is that my baby girls and the little one in my tum, well they are never, ever going to not feel loved. Nope, never, ever, ever. It has made it so clear that all I ever wanted was my mother to love me and put me first. So as a relatively new mummy myself, I have sworn to myself that they will always be my priority. I know love is not all they need, but it’s a bloody good place to start.

I don’t know how I’m going to be in a few days, or months. What I do know is with the love and support of my family and partners, I’m going to be fine.

Hugs,

Pixie

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., socail

Things I don’t believe in….

Things I don’t believe in….

Ok, ok I know I seem to be doing down beat blog posts this week, I know ! But this is less down beat than the tittle would have you think, ok? It kind of came to me this morning, laying in bed after a rather lovely morning fuck. Maîtser was humming one of ‘are songs’, Dream by Gabriel , and as I snuggled in close and started drifting back to sleep and my own dreams, I was hit by thoughts of my nana. I have been thinking a lot about her recently, with my own mother coming to the end of her own life. I was really close to my nana, and she taught me so, so ,so many things. Like how to clean house, how to take care of babies and how cook for 14 people without breaking a sweat. But I also remember all her ‘funny’ ways of looking at the world. To an outsider looking in, she was a very simple creature. A country girl, a wife, a mother and housewife. But she also was a feminist, peace protester and loved learning. The 3 things I remember her saying the most often were, always have a dream , nobody is perfect, and I just want them (her family) to be happy. This got me thinking about how she always refused to believe anything was perfect, and then on to the things I don’t believe in. So I thought I would write about them.

Perfection and paragons – ok so this kind of a stolen one from my nana (sorry nana!). But I really don’t believe anyone or anything is perfect, I just don’t. Growing up in a very strict Orthodox (Russian) / Catholic household we learned the bible forwards, backwards, upside down and standing on are heads. So I knew the words ‘he, who has not sinned cast the first stone’ really well. My nana used that to stop arguments, and my daddy coming down to hard on us, when we did something wrong. But my belief goes a little deeper than the bible . I also think that it is impossible for things to be perfect. They may seem it or look it, but if you dig a little deeper the is always a flaw or an imperfection. I also think that some of the most beautiful things and people in the world have imperfections. In fact , those imperfections , make them so much more wondrous. Don’t get me wrong I always aim for as good as humanly is possible, but by excepting things having flaws, it save heaps of time and a hole lot of worry.

Miracles – now this is going to sound mad, coming from someone who thought she could not have children, who had non identical twins girls. But the reason I don’t believe they were a Miracle, is simply the fact that non identical twin girl do happen. Mine are not a one off, the are a fair few around. I also don’t think people ending up millionaires from winning the lottery isn’t a miracle, for the same reason. I also hate, more than words , when people say to me, ‘oh it’s a miracle you turned out so well” or “ it’s a miracle your still alive” . Everything I have or have gotten in my life has either come from a lot of hard work, or a great deal of hardship and loss. I have the great fortune to of inherited, a pretty large amount of money, when I was younger. But I only have that due to losing my god mother to breast cancer. I have had 3 really good jobs and I am respected in the fields I have worked in. But again I worked really hard to get there.

Respect your elders and betters – No, no, no! this is just not true. I believe that you should respect everyone, without exception. But people can lose that respect, and telling me I need to respect them, just because they are older or in a ‘better’ position than me. oh and while we are the subject of respect I completely disagree with the idea that respect needs to be earnt. Bull squirt! Respect should be given to everyone freely without exception. But as I said, I also believe that respect can be lost, and it can be lost very easily, and then it has to be earnt back.

Sorry is the hardest word to say – Again to me this is Bull squirt! Sorry is really easy to say. What is hard , is saying sorry and really meaning it from the bottom of heart, or that you were wrong, when you are wrong. My ex said sorry every time he beat me or sexually abused me, was he sorry no. sorries that are hollow and meaningless are in fact an insult to the person receiving them, or at least they are to me.

Swearing show how unintelligent people – Well then Mastier is stupid! (No his not, I’m not saying that maitsier) . So many super clever people I know swear like dockside navy. Steven Hawkins swore. Swearing is actually good for you. it’s a great way to relieve stress and realise happy endorphins .(ok can I may of made that part up)

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger- again, wrong on so many levels. Not wanting to make things about me, but things that have nearly killed me (yes I mean kill me!) have in-fact had the apiarist effect. Physical health stuff has left me with arthritis, lung damage and poor hearing. My ex beat so badly that I have had 6 operations to fix what he broke. Sexual assault and rape left me so frightened and depressed that I tried to take my own life. It also gave me ptsd, extreme anxiety attacks and full of triggers. But all this has left me with a need to slowly rebuild myself. It taught me to be open, caring and forgiving , as well as making me pretty mentally tough and determined to live. So I guess it is a-least a little true.

So that is what I don’t believe in, but I do believe in loads too ! So to close I will leave you with my grandads and mr Walt Disney’s saying “you gotta have a dream to make a dream come true”

Hugs,

Pixie

Dreams, by Gabriel

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail, Uncategorized

The undercover little

The undercover little!

I identify as a little and sort of came out as little about about 18 months ago, but I’m not what people think of when they think of a ‘little’. I’m not in to onesies, sippy cups, or pacifiers. Not that the is anything wrong with that, it’s just not my thing. But I have found that as time has worn on I have started to have my own littleismas. From the way I talk, to bouncing up and down when I get excited, to what I eat and the things I do for fun. But one of the first things that kind of changed was my way of dressing . Now don’t get my wrong , I don’t wear child like cloths or in your face little, but the have changes are very stubble changes and they have made me a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

Thinking about the way I dress and how it changed , I can see the time that things changed, was when maîtser came in to my life (😘). I was kind of dressing for comfort, ease and without wanting to stand out. Maîtser kind of got me taking pride in my appearance and the way I dress. I guess you could say I start to dress in away that pleased him. He also put in to my rules , ones for how he wanted me to dress . One is that I am to wear girlie bras and panties, with a camie in the winter (he likes me to keep warm as much a posable). He also likes my dressing in a feminine manner and when ever possible wear dresses. Most days he will give me a choice of 3 outfits, and ask me to pick which one I want to wear. The biggest rule I have though is that I am to dress in a lady like manner, never overly sexy or showy , unless maîtser is with me.

Two areas that I always like to keep ‘little’ are my feet and my hair. I have collection of silly sock, with things like my little pony, pushine and unicorns on them. They alway make me happy, feel a little bit little and like I have a piece of maîtser with me. I never wear high heals , unless I’m going dancing . Instead I wear flat Mary-jane’s or ballet pumps, and sneakers or boots if I’m working. I always , also have painted toe nails, normally purple or pink. As for hair , well I have shoulder length hair , with a wispy fringe. I either wear it down and naturally curly or have it up. Either in pig tails, a pony tail or braided. I have My girlie bands and pretty ribbons for my hairs too! Babe will quit often do my hair for me and hair favourite way she does it is down and curly, with a ribbon holding it back. She also dies it pretty colours as well .

I guess I now have my ‘little‘ uniform, it’s kind of a realign against the norm sort of a look. I have never really followed fashion, which is wired as I work for a fashion house for. Long time. As a teenager and in to my early twenties I was a kind of skater girl / emo / rocky chick sort of a girl. Lol my god son says I was queen of emo, before it was fashionable.(his 19) but sines I have embraced my little side more, that look has changed a lot. I’m now more of a punky, princess with a shy side. But I also have my little , little bits . I have pin badges, earrings and a whole host of unicorn t-shirts.

I guess for me it’s been a sort of finding my fit sort of a thing. You uwould not be able to guess I’m a little , unless you knew what a little was, and not really then. Maîtser says I have become his punky little princess, comfy in her own skin, and unapologetically me!

Hugs,

Pixie x

Ps- all the talk of the undercover little has got me and kitten thinking of setting up a little craft shop on Etsy , but more of this later!

Eroticon, family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail

The things I took away from Eroticon.

 

Well I thought I would join in with a post Eroticon post. I have limited myself, because if I listed everything I have taken away from it I would be here till next year’s Eroticon. (yes, that does mean I’m going next year and I’ve started saving already) So here goes.
. A goodie bag to end all goodie bags! Ok, so I had to start with the good bag, it was that good! Full of sexy and kinky little treats. Trust me, I love a goodie bag and with all the conferences I attended, I get through quite a few. But this one had great things that I / we will use. I got 2 mugs, one of which the Boss man has declared is going to work with him and little bear has called dibs on the other. But my fav thing of all must be a pencil, that one of the venders had burnt the outline of a naked lady on to. It will be going to college with me and will be my kink side, on view for the whole world to see, without being in your face.
. Became a published writer. Ok, so I sent a story into the anthology for Eroticon, and it got pic to be in it. Meaning that I came away with a story published in the anthology. I got a copy of the book at the event and have read it from cover to cover, and my what a clever bunch we are! I keep looking at it and crying.
. A new / free toy! The awesome Unihorn stardust clitoral vibrator from rocks off. I got talking to the lovely lady on the rocks off stand, and she asked if I reviewed toys? My answer was no, but it is something I have wanted to get in to doing for a very long time, well we all have really. So, she said if I came back at the end of the conference she would let me have the stardust and we could do a review. Well I did go back, I did get the stardust and I / we tried it out as soon as we got back to the hotel. Lol it in fact made me and the boss man rather late for dinner with his mother.
So now we have past the very pixie focused gains, let’s move on to the fluffier things I have gained, shall we……
‘Made new friends. on the first night, at the meet and greet I had managed to walk in to the holiday inn and was greeted by the wonderful Molly and Cara. Then I was introduced to Mr DomSigns and girl on the net. After that I did the normal me thing of trying to blend in and make myself as little as I could. However, having a bad case of baby / pregnancy brain I tried to this right by the coat rack! Luckily the was another lady doing pretty much the same as me, I think I bumped in to her and we got talking. After 10 minutes of people wanting to hang coats up and being in the way, we venture upstairs to the main room and got a set. This was a great move and we talked to people! Lol the lovely lady I made friends with on the first night, was the epic Sharron Atkinson, and we pretty much stuck together the whole weekend. To be honest, she was my saving grace. A fair few times I got panicked, sad and wanted to go hide, but she made me smile and talked to me. we sat together to eat and hung out in free time. I even talked to people and relaxed a little bit.
. Found out big fancy bloggers are real people – ok so be that I mean that bloggers who I follow and really look up to, are real people. They are flesh and blood. They breath, sneeze, and fart like us mere mortals. I even manged to talk to some of them without going all fan girl and silly.
. Had my belief that academics are approachable – Ok this down to the amazing Madeleine Morris. I sat in on both of her talks and was impressed by both. She speaks with such passion and knowledge on her subject, I was slightly in awe. I grow up in a family full of self-precelled academics, who I always felt as if I should worship them and be a little frightened of them. But at university I was blessed to work with legends, who were ‘Academics’ and changed my outlook on education and learning. But then over recent years, I sadly had people who were very much my first idea of academics, least of all my sisters. So, when I met Madeleine at Eroticon on the Sunday morning, in between napping with knobby and Elvis, and had 10-minute conversation about pollution, sinuses problems, snoring, my ex-husband, and plastic surgery, well let’s say I’m back to thinking that academics rock.
. That I can be sociable – Ok so I made it to the meet and greet, the conference and the Saturday night social. On my own, talking to people and not freaking out. I’m not saying it wasn’t hard and that I enjoyed the whole thing, but I did it on my own without the Boss man or one of the girls. That has not happened in a very, very long time.
. Got a kick up the ass – This was very much needed for me. My writing and blogging has been on the back burner over last month or so, and I had to the point of thinking of just stopping it all together. I was tired, mind body and soul. But being with other people, who are so excited by what they do, sort of rubbed off on me a little.
. Inspiration – I mean to say how could not come away a little bit inspired? I for one am breaming with ideas of things I want to do and try! Lol I have even started pestering sir beasty about writing again!
. Comfortable, being me – ok so this is one of the biggest things I have taken away from Eroticon. I got to be 100% myself. I was the collar wearing, little pixie. nobody batted an eyelid that for a lot of it I was sat cuddling an anxiety blob or sat on the floor or in some ways little. No touched me or tried to make me do things that are hard for me. I was accepted as me.
. Got my Sunday craft fix – To me Sunday is full of 3 things, Mass, Crafting and
Fucking. I went to Mass before the Sunday morning session and fucked in the evening, but I also got my Sunday crafting fix. Thanks to Andrew and Pixie of kinkcraft. Knobby even got a lush new collar! It was also made better by it being in a nice quiet room, full of lovelies like Candysnatchreiews, Kayla Lords, wriggle kitty and John Brownstone.

Now this is where I thought I would be closing this post, and I really was going to, but life is never that simple. The have this week been a lot of talk and chatter in this house hold, largely bought on by Eroticon. I had a slight break down on Sunday night / Monday morning, about a lot of stuff I have had going on. I’m not going to bore you with the in’s and outs of it all. But the have been some major changes in my life. I’m going to list the changes and I will go in to more details over the coming weeks, cos I don’t have the words yet to explain why they have had to happen. So here you go ….
• I have stepped down from all my jobs, bare my privet clients and rescue work.
• I’m going to spend a while enjoying being a mummy
• I’m going to be working on my blog and writing
• I will be doing more kink focused things
• I’m cutting ties with a lot of my family
• I’m having a proper holiday and visiting some of my friends I have not seen in a long time
• I’m going to be looking in to setting up an Etsy shop with Kitten
• We are going house hunting in New jersey.
So that is the end of a very rambling post!
See you all next year?!?!

Pixie x

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail

And still….

It’s 4 am, and I’m still wide awake. My heart hurts, my bones ache, I still taste you on my lips. Every time I close my eyes, images of the last few days dance across my mind, in beautiful vivid colour. I still feel the burning touch of you fingers, as they traced circles over skin. You left only a few hours ago, but with in moment of the door closing behind you, I was hit with the craving for you. I try to fight my addiction for you, and still I want more of you.

I’m laid on the crumpled sheets, where your musky scent lingers, long after you have left. I play back the passion and energy of are love making from the night before. We matched each other, move for move. Instinctively knowing what the other need. You were gentle and loving when I needed, commanding and strong when I needed you to be, and still I let you get up and walk out the door .

Sitting up I see you tie still knotted to the head board, reminding me of how you tied my heads out of the way, causing me to blush. I give up ideas of sleep, pushing myself up and out of bed. stopping to look at my reflection in the mirror, gazing at my body. My bruised breast, puff lower lip and hair that is a tozzled mess. I feel the blush creep from my core, burning like fire. I can’t look away, and still I need your arms round me to make me believe everything you said.

Closing my eyes, drawing in a steading breath, holding on to my dressing table for support. My mind is playing tricks on me, I could swear I heard the door open and soft foot steps coming towards me. then I feel your hands take a firm grip of my arm and my eyes fly open as you spin my round to face you, kissing me and pulling to your chest. Then come the only word I need to know. “I’m staying, I still love you”

For Little Bear, cos even when you drive me mad, I will always love you! x

Eroticon, family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail

Where in the world is Pixie Heart?

So, I have been posting and been around, but not really been ‘Around ‘of late. By that I mean I have been a little distant, a little distracted and felt a little bit outside of things. It’s not the nicest of feelings in the world, hell it’s horrid, but it has been kind of unavoidable really.

Why? I hear you cry. Well for one I have been rushed off my feet getting ready for Crufts. I’m not only working and teaching at the event this year, but all my dogs are there too. Don’t get me wrong it will be amazing, it is amazing every year, but it’s a planning and logistical nightmare. My boss has been epicly helpful and said that the babies can work on the stand. Basically, they are going to be strapped to different people in their carries and used to itemise people to come say hello. Which they are going to love as they love having chats and meeting people!

Then we come to the Elephants in the room. The big nasty that is Cancer has struck my family. My Uncle Keith had been struggling with chest infections and breathing difficulties for the last couple of months and his GP finally sent him for a chest x-ray. It sadly showed that he had tumours on his lungs. Well after scans and biopsies, it turns that the is nothing that can be done. It is a very aggressive cancer, it has spread, and he has a matter of months left. Then the is my mother’s cancer. We had thought she was going to beat it, but sadly not. The treatment is not working, the is nothing else that will work, and she has 3 to 6 months left. Now I may seem a little like I don’t really care about the fact they are both going to die. I do, I care very much, but I don’t see the point in sitting round wailing over it. Cancer is a bastered of an illness, it has taken a lot of people I love. It kills people slowly and painful. The best thing I can do is stay strong, keep going and be there when people need me. I have a life and people who need me to keep going, not crumble in to a ball and give up.

I have a lot of good things in pipe line. For all the stress it brings I am looking forward to crufts. I get to see my friends and shop for my dogs! Then the is Eroticon the weekend after. Lol I’m treating it as a holiday. No husband, babies, dogs, or house work for a weekend, in London, on my own! Truthfully, I’m terrified, but I’m going if it kills me. It will be good for me on so many levels, I just have keep moving the worry and doubts I have about myself and my abilities. Lol the Boss man said if I get through it on my own I get 20 reward stickers. The 5 days leading up to Eroticon I am teaching secturely dog handlers. which is always fun!

The changes I made with the help of the boss man at the start of the year have finally started to make them selves know so to speak. I’m happier and less stressed. I’m sleeping better and coping with some of the crap that life throws at me. my health, is getting better and I’ve stopped freaking out if I get a sniffle or cough. My writing schedule is working amazingly well and I’m making time to write more than I thought I would. It is amazing that by giving the boss man more control and having a heap more structure in my day, how much happier it makes me and the more settled I become. I had some say recently that they don’t know how I cope with being in something that is so high protocol and that the rules I have are too restrictive for me to feel truly happy. but it is in fact the other way around for me. Without the protocols, rule, and structure, I feel lost, anxious, and deeply unhappy. What I have would not work for may people, but it does work for me.

Well that turned in to a rant rumble, but hay hum!

Pixie x