broken brained, From the heart, musings of pixie heart.

Sunday morning.

I never thought motherhood was going to be easy or a free ride, no I knew it would be hard as hell at times. But for me it’s been great, for the most part. I love my little girls, they are one of the best things I’ve done with my life. But what nobody warned me about is just how exhausting they can be. It feels like I have been running on empty for years not days. It would seem they are both teething, so are grumpy and snarky in the day time. But at night , or should I say the early am they turn into insomniacs , who seem to think their feet are really funny and need to chat to mummy about it, and when they have told my about their toes, tiny, chubby ankles and how they can fit their sisters toes in their mouths, they doze off , with soft snores. But when I lay them in their cots to sleep and turn to leave them, one farts, waking themselves up, shrieking with fright, and waking their sister up. So it’s back to cuddles, chats and calming them down. Not the sort of all nighter I had in mind.

It’s after one of our early am chats that maîtser found me asleep on a bean bag this morning. I love the fact that I have rules to follow about everything, but if my daughters need me they can be over looked. But as well as that I love that maîtser and I have CNC in place, and not just the sexy kind. No I mean the loving kind. The kind that means I get woken up with a kiss, taken down stairs and made to eat what ever is but in front of me. Then hustled in to a hot shower, then a warm fluffy towel, then clean clothes and then tucked in to bed , with a stuffie and orders to sleep. And because I’m his good girl, and mildly exhausted , I have no problem with that at all.

But when the sexy side of our CNC decides I have slept and rested for long enough, and he gathers me up in to his arms, roughly foundling my breast, and biting down hard on my neck. Well not only do I know it’s time to wake up, but I’m going to get used in the most delightful way. When his hand travel down over my rib cage, the curve of my hip, dipping under the waist band of my yoga pants and roughly caressing them down my legs, with my panties, bunching at my knees. I tense and pretend to struggle a little , so his hand will go round my throat and he growls in my ear to behave, to hold still, that I’m his and he will do as he wants with me, it leaves my with no doubt he loves me.

When his other hand plunges in to My folds, and pulls my leg up and back over his, I know what’s coming, his marking me as his, making sure I know damned well that I’m his. Biting my neck, he pulls his hand from me, and I feel him unbuckle his belt and push open the fly. Then his hand is guiding his cock inside me, and he starts fucking me . It’s deliciously harsh, fast and hard. It’s not the beautiful love making, but it’s what I need. It is pure feeling, want and need.

Gently he flips me on to my tummy, pulling my bum and hips up, still fucking me. His hands move to the small of back and my neck, pushing it firmly in to pillow. He fucks me so fiercely , that it is nearly painful. Then his hand come round and under me, find my clit with his thumb , circling it with a determined ferocity that is startling. His close I can feel, and I know that if I struggle and whimper a little , he will love what he is doing to me even more, so I do. That is all it takes , and he looses his control , and so do I. Cumming so hard I think I must of blacked out a little.

Collapsing on top of me , he pulls himself from me , flopping on to his side, panting . Leaving me laying there , stunned and used. I get a hard swat to my arse and in commanding tone he says ‘up , I want feeding’ and with that he is up and off downstairs . I hurriedly collect myself , pulling my clothes back on and smoothing down my hair. Not bothering to clean myself up, loving the feeling of how utterly used and marked his made me feel. I run down stair to carry on taking care of his needs , the way he has done for me.

And why do I do this, cos I love, trust and adore him , as he does me.

Pixie x

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., socail, Uncategorized

come back to me when your ready.

It must be one of the most heart-breaking things I have ever had to do, sit back, and watch someone I love, tear themselves to pieces, their heart breaking and their hole world crashing around them. I could run in and try to save them or fight away their demons for them. But that is not what they need or what they want.
I want to say it will be ok, it gets better, and it hurts less, with time. But who am I to know or think I have any idea what it feels like to them. True I know what pain feels like. I have had the emotional pain that was so sharp it took my breath away, that took over my life, aching so bad, and never going away. But telling some one to trust you when they just don’t trust anything, is not what they need. They need to learn to trust again in their own time and at their own pace.
I want to hold them and love them as hard as I can. But that would make them feel suffocated and restricted. They need space and time to heal themselves, to relearn how to be them and find what they need to be. So, I love them as fiercely as I can, from a far. Waiting for them to come to me when they are good and ready.
I remind myself of how I was when me heart was broken in tiny pieces and I thought I would never get my happy or self-back. I need to scream, cry and rage. I needed space, time, and compassion. I needed people to just carry on loving me for me. No judging, not telling me what to do or feel. I did not need someone to pick me up off the floor, but all the piece back in the right place and hold me together. I had to do that myself, I need to do that, and I need some to hold my hand, and to catch me when I fell again. I needed to fight my own demons, with someone stood by my side, encouraging me. it had to come from me.
So, I sit and watch, sitting on my hands. Loving, watching, and waiting for them to need me. but letting them come to me when they need me and asking for what help they need, when they need it.

 

For my Darling Emit, who without his courage and inspiration , I would be lost.

 

Hugs,

Pixie.

Ps –  give you Take me Home, By Jess Glynne.

family update, From the heart, Poly life, Question time., socail

Lean on me.

Lean on me.

This is a little bit of a gushy post, I’m just warning you. For anyone who follows my blog or me on twitter, you will know that I’m not well. My depression and anxiety have got really bad, and I have had to ask to go get more strutched help. I’m going to do day treatment for a few weeks. 3 days a week, 5 hours a day, cos I can’t go on feeling like this. I need help, big time. Yes I am strong and I will get through this , but I need help. Lucky I have a wonderful family and amazing friend on twitter who have been a godsend.

But I have been thinking a lot of late about who are real friends and who I trust . Sure I have friends enough, but I sometimes they are not always able to cope when my health, whether physical or mental is bad. I mean, like now, when having a mental health crisis, I would not want to be round me at times, so I don’t see why others should suffer the shit I put them through. I mean it has take everything for me to learn to trust maîtser and the girls fully. I feel so unworthy of their love and care at times. But they let me love them and care for them, so I let them do the same for me.

I then got to thinking about a really special friend that I have. Who, unlike most of my friends, started out as my friend, away from my family, who knew me when I was my ex. Who stood by me with through the shit I went through and did not flench when he found out I had told him lies, when I was sick and tried to end my life. Well ok he got really pissed off at me and nearly walked away, but he , unlike a lot of ‘friends’ took the time to find out what happened, to actually talk to me. He is my Sir Beasty, my darling man , Aedan O’Healy .

He from are first meeting was someone I just clicked with. Both with Irish roots, Miss spent youths and a love of swearing and food. (Although he hates marmite, but I forgive him that). It was very odd that from the start I trusted him, felt at ease around him and could be myself. He made it clear that he liked me for me, plain and simply. He was not after things or wanting , he was just a friend. When things got really bad with my ex , he was the one I tried to open up to. He was the person I admitted I had issues with my mum. I swear I could of told him I was a marshmallow covered in cheese, and he would of gone “cool, and?” I did not need to pretended I was happy or ‘normal’ .

When I tried to take my life, I remember speaking to him a few hours before hand , and trying so hard to tell him I What I had planned to do. But I was so far down the road of self loathing and hating myself, well I just couldn’t , I tried. I really did, but …. Ok not going there. But a few weeks of not speaking to anyone and being hidden away in hospital, trying to piece my life back together , thinking nobody from my old life would give me a second chance or even try talking to me . Well he messaged me , I think through Facebook, at like 4 am. It was not a pleasant conversation to have , but he made answer his questions, to talk and confided in him. It took so much to do that, but he made me, kind of admitting what I did and facing someone head on was a massive help. And him being truly amazing he , again did not flinch. After I got it all out , he said that he would forgive me, but I had to be upfront, open and truthful about everything from that point on. When I said I didn’t think I could and that it was to hard. I got a curt reply of “life is fucking hard p, you can’t give up on it” . So from that point on I decided to meet life head on and not flinch from what ever shit came my way. And although I had days I was a total bitch, a hot mess and set backs, he stood by my side, not trying to save me or put me back together how I was. But he encouraged me to just be me and fuck what anyone else thought.

He’s been their every step of the way in my recovery. From listening to whine about how shit my life was, to me fulling apart over being me, to losing it over not being able to do what I used to do. He was the person who, when I got together with maîtser, told me it was ok to love and want to spend your life with someone. He was the one I said that I was in love with maîtser first too. He did tease the hell out of me as well and kept call maîtser my boyfriend. (You big Irish knob).

One of the things I love about him is his empathy and his ability to know when something is wrong, even when I don’t . His also shown me it is ok to be sensitive and not to be ashamed of having emotions . If I’m upset he will let me cry, if I’m angry he lets me rage and if I need to full apart he will hug me a little tighter, till I can heal myself back together. He is one of the few people who can talk me down of high cliffs , when I don’t know how I got there or how to get down. He is one of three men I fully trust in this world.

But by far the best and most wonderful thing he has given or taught me is how to take my thoughts and emotions, and turn them to words. He taught me to write , take pride in my stories , and to keep at it. He has never once gone, p this is shit. He finds positive sin everything I write and do as a writer. He was the one I went to and said I wanted to write and blog about sex. Unlike maîtser, who said yes but let’s think about it. He said ‘ I think it’s fucking awesome idea, and what’s more I’m going to help you.” Not to say he has always positive stuff to say, but he is always straight with me , sometimes a little blunt. It was him saving about my spelling, grammar and punctuation, that led me to having a English teacher, something that I love so much. He pushes me to make time to sit down and concentrate on the words, saying to try and not use greats, happy, or said to often in piece I write. He is also the voice in my head say “turn the fucking spell check on” . He stepped up when I was freaking out about writing stuff and acted as my editor, an arxengmnt that works well

The oddest thing about are friendship though is , even though he knew I was D/s , he never went ‘oh so am I” or “oh I have a kinky side. But are friendship is and has from the start, had a bit of a D/s side. I have called him ‘Sir’ for, like 4 weeks in to being friends, it just seem odd and uncountable to call him Aedan. He could also tell me to settle down , shush or behave, and I just did and still do. When I got with Maîtser , with in 3 weeks he was given permission to tell me to be good and behave. He is affectionately know as my tech and writing Dom!

And to go with this all , he is one of the sweetest, charming , epic friends a girl could have. He always has my back, pushes me and makes me want to be the best me I can be. He will let me full apart, but won’t take any shit from me. I can grump at him, but he lets me know I no uncertain terms , when I’m out of line.

But, above all he has given me back the faith in myself, makes me feel proud of myself and looks out for me. He lets my lean on him , when I need to, and will lean on me when he needs it. So, Sir Beasty, I love you, whole bunches, you big Irish knob!

Hugs,

Pixie, aka Doris.

Ps – I give you Lean on me , the Bill Withers.

broken brained, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., socail

From the heart – broken brain update

Hello, hi , hay! So I have not been posting that much or writing much. Normally when that happens , well it’s down to life is busy or I’m working or I have important stuff happening. But not this time people. This time it’s because I don’t or haven’t seen the point. My depression is back and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I’m not coping well, I’m angry, confused and tired. I feel invisible, unliked and ugly. I am hurting , sore and had started hating myself again.

I don’t hide that I have mental health problems, well illness. But I fight it , every bloody day and for the most part I’m winning. But over the last few weeks, not so much. This has largely been bought on by my mum being sick and her death. But the have been other thing at play to. My gp changing my meds with out consulting me or my physiatrist or me, has thrown me off balance. He changed my antidepressant to normal to modified release. Meaning that in the morning I would get a massive high, a huge kick of happy , that by 2.30 pm was leaving and by 5 pm was leaving me flat and on a downward spiral. He cut my main anxiety meds from 5mg 6 times a day, to 1mg 4 times a day. Meaning my anxiety level went from liveable, to through the roof and frightened to level the house. He increased my thyroid meds from 200 mg to 350mg straight away. Meaning I got even more anxious, slept less and felt every so slightly manic. Added to this he stop my anti inflammatory med and took out 2 levels of my pain medication plan. Leaving me trying to cope on less pain medication than I need , not wanting to jump to the really high levels.

Now normally I can cope with a depressive bleep, but I have been dealing with loss and grieve, for people I loved or had very mixed and complex feelings for. Not knowing how to feel or deal with, well it all started to get to much again. I was going through the motions each day, but not feeling anything. I was numb and confused. It’s when this happens that the anxiety and ocd side of my kicks in . I also start to get paranoid and start seeing things in other people’s behaviour towards me that makes me even more paranoid and sad. People not replying to msgs , cos they are busy and stressed , to me is them saying I hate you, get out my life, your a vile bitch and I hate you. It’s not the case , but in my head it was or is. It’s like the worse form of rejection and it hurts. Then the voices start to come back, telling me I’m worthless , hopeless , ugly, vile and a waist of oxygen. Trust me they frighten the fuck out of me.

I got to Thursday last week , and I was dragging my bum out of bed , and just going through the motion of being me. To an outsider I looked like I was doing good. That’s cos I have , over the years got good at putting on a front of being good. I had to, or thought I had too. I don’t like bringing people down or being a pain. I mean I’m the sad sack , why should I bring them down with me, right. I stop a sling things, or for help or for support . I but inside, every time I see someone happy , it twists the knife and kills me a little more.

By Friday , well the pain, hurt and yucky feelings got to much. They left me feeling so sad and anxious, it becomes like a physical pain. So strong it takes you breath away and brings tears to my eyes. I was hurting so bad I started to lash out at people. Not hitting or slapping , but with spiteful words and hurtful actions. I grumped at people on twitter, I thought ill of people and refused cuddles from my darling kitten. Things came to head when uncle Fred ask me how I was doing, and I just broke in to a thousand pieces. Thankfully or sadly , depending how you look at it, he and kitten knew I was not well. The called maîtser, who came home from work. Took all my. Tech away and made me take my meds for anxiety attacks . I was tucked in bed with little bear, I cried and feel asleep in her arms.

Maîtser knew what to do, he always does. He came home from work, checked my tech and meds . (I used to hide things that upset me and I have some times stopped taking my meds when I’m poorly). He phoned my cpn and got him to do a home visit. They looked and saw what had happened with my meds , and my cpn phoned and dealt with my gp and my meds. They got my an appointment to see my head doctor for Monday and agreed on a plan for the weekend. Basically I had to do as I was told, rest and let myself be looked after. I think not having to think about stuff and being looked after was really what so needed. I went to bed on Friday, took my sleep meds and slept for 13 hours straight. I spent Saturday playing with my dogs, watching Disney films and cuddling my babies. Sunday I wrote a little, went out for a roast dinner, played with my babies , cuddled kitten and wrote a little more.

Well Monday morning hot hear, and I was a terrified again. I still had in my head that I was having some sort of phycotic break or something worse and that oil was going to be made to stay in hospital. Aunty May came with me, even coming In with me (I seriously thank the nhs needs great aunties as a way to help look after people with mental Health problems) . After 20 mins of chatting and looking at things, the verdict was in. I’ve not gone mad, or lost the plot or need to stay in hospital. What is wrong with me then? My mother died, my dr changed my meds, triggering a depressive blip and I could not cope with it. Simple! We have made a plan on how to deal with this. It involves medication, therapy , hard work and time. But I have a plan, and when I have a plan , well it sort of makes me see I can and will get better.

But I have also had to realise some pretty hard truths, that really have hurt to come to. The are people who I have hurt, and they may not want me around for a while. That some people may not want me as a friend or in theief lives. That people sometimes only have time for the happy , funny and silly pixie. My behaviour has made me open to critasism and reproach . That some people say one thing and mean another. That I am only human and myself, and that even if they say not , that is not enough or what they want. That others are more their. Up of tea . And even though it should not matter , that my bad mental health, is not something they want to deal with or have in their world. I have to except this and move on but it hurts like hell and it is the thing I’m struggling to except, and will take a long time to deal with or get used to not being enough, but I’ll get their. It is hard to except , it hurts and is going to for a long time. But I guess the is worse things than losing people you thought were friends and liked you. It just hurts and makes me feel invisible.

Well that’s the end to this mental health ramble . Self pity and whining will be kept to a mom I promise and normal pixie is back soon, just not yet.

Hugs,

Pixie

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail

Twitter followers give away, with tigger’s collars!

1000 Twitter followers give away, with tigger’s collars!

So a few weeks ago I was taking a stroll round Etsy , looking for a birthday present for my daddy (my father). When I stumbled across the most beautiful folio case ever, In lilac and baby blue. That takes a A4 pad of paper , with little pockets and clips for my pen and pencils. The downs side , well the fact that It cost almost £100! I can’t get my head round spending that much on myself or would I. So I took it to maîtser and asked if the was away to ‘earn it’. Him being my wonderful , fun Dom he came up with a list of tasks and challenges for me to work, with the end reward being the folio case. One of the goals was to get my twitter following from 666 to 1000. Well We’ve changed a few, due to work load , my mother illness and her passing and finding out we have baby number 3 on the way! But the twitter one stayed the same. The closer I got to the big the 1000 mark ,the more I wanted to do something to say thank you to lovely people who followed me. But I wanted It to be something very pixie-ish. Not being able to post unicorns to people, the next biggest pixie-ish thing I. Outdoor think of was my collar, and when I think collar , I think tigger’s collars! So I quite boldly, well for me asked tigger if I could give a gift voucher for her online store away, and it was met with a massive yes!

I have been a massive fan of tigger’s collar for a long time. They are beautifully made, with love and care . They are quality , leather , vegan leather or pvc based . With fabulous ready to wear options, that sing to my little, submissive side. Put by far the best bit is the build your own option! I have 3 of them, and I would wear them 24/ 7 if I could , but I can’t really wear my princess collar or spiked one to mass on Sunday, but I would if I could! With tigger you can pretty much email her and say can I have it x, y and z?and she will pretty much be able to make you , your dream collar. Then the is the arrival of your collar. Dear lord, all I will say is it’s like a birthday, Christmas and all your treats in a discrete little box In the post. Lol master says that every sub / little / kitten / princess should get to open a tiggers’s collar at one point in their life. Lol.

So fast forward to now, and I have 1000 followers and we have a give away! So what / how is going to work? Well I’m posting a tweet, saying to enter like this tweet to enter, names will be noted and after 10days, it will be closed , names go in a hat and a very lucky winner will be drawn! The is also going to be 3 small prizes of pixie post for 3 little’s as well , to sort of celebrate the birth of the undercover little! So let’s get this started!

Pixie x

Ps -this Is being posted by kitten , as pixie pops is poorly, but really wanted to get this going!

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart.

She is gone.

 

Late yesterday afternoon Maîtser got a phone call. IT was one of those where he picks his phone up, sighs, and hits the answer button. His bright “hello Sophie, how are you”, turned to him sitting up straight, white faced and saying in a hushed tone “oh god, when?”. The question I knew would be coming any day. He fished the call, turn to me and utter 3 words “She is gone”. Then wrapped me in his arms as the enormity of them hit me full force.

What happened? Who is gone? Who is she? You maybe asking, well she is or was my mother, and she has passed away, after a 6month battle with cancer. I knew she did not have long left and I knew she was very ill, but the was part of me that thought, no, she’ll never actually die. My mother followed in her mother’s foot steps of being a very stubborn and head strong lady, so I never really believed she would go. Cos she was so stubborn!

I have written about my mother and how badly we got on, or as maîtser says how brilliantly we did not get on. But I still loved her, even though I did not like her. She was, in her own way a very strong lady, who I can’t help but admire for what she achieved. But was at times a cruel bully, who looked out for number one. Who was spiteful and had a vicious tongue. But I still loved her, after all she was my mum.

What am I left with? How do I grieve? How am I meant to feel? Well I guess I’m left feeling a little numb, shocked, and kind of in limbo. I’ve cried, I got angry and I cried some more. I have talked about it, hugged my babies and eaten ice cream. The truth is although I’m sad and upset she is gone, but the is part of me that more than anything is relieved. She was so ill, and in so much pain that it must have been a happy release. (Cop out term I think).

But what it has done is make me so very thankful for the amazing ‘mother’s’ I’ve got in my lifer had. My nana, who raised me and taught me to love. Aunty May who inspire, Mother’s me, and pushes me to be a better me. My mother in law, who is like the mum I never had and who loves me like the daughter she never had. I am a very lucky lady indeed.

What it’s made very clear is that my baby girls and the little one in my tum, well they are never, ever going to not feel loved. Nope, never, ever, ever. It has made it so clear that all I ever wanted was my mother to love me and put me first. So as a relatively new mummy myself, I have sworn to myself that they will always be my priority. I know love is not all they need, but it’s a bloody good place to start.

I don’t know how I’m going to be in a few days, or months. What I do know is with the love and support of my family and partners, I’m going to be fine.

Hugs,

Pixie

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., socail

Things I don’t believe in….

Things I don’t believe in….

Ok, ok I know I seem to be doing down beat blog posts this week, I know ! But this is less down beat than the tittle would have you think, ok? It kind of came to me this morning, laying in bed after a rather lovely morning fuck. Maîtser was humming one of ‘are songs’, Dream by Gabriel , and as I snuggled in close and started drifting back to sleep and my own dreams, I was hit by thoughts of my nana. I have been thinking a lot about her recently, with my own mother coming to the end of her own life. I was really close to my nana, and she taught me so, so ,so many things. Like how to clean house, how to take care of babies and how cook for 14 people without breaking a sweat. But I also remember all her ‘funny’ ways of looking at the world. To an outsider looking in, she was a very simple creature. A country girl, a wife, a mother and housewife. But she also was a feminist, peace protester and loved learning. The 3 things I remember her saying the most often were, always have a dream , nobody is perfect, and I just want them (her family) to be happy. This got me thinking about how she always refused to believe anything was perfect, and then on to the things I don’t believe in. So I thought I would write about them.

Perfection and paragons – ok so this kind of a stolen one from my nana (sorry nana!). But I really don’t believe anyone or anything is perfect, I just don’t. Growing up in a very strict Orthodox (Russian) / Catholic household we learned the bible forwards, backwards, upside down and standing on are heads. So I knew the words ‘he, who has not sinned cast the first stone’ really well. My nana used that to stop arguments, and my daddy coming down to hard on us, when we did something wrong. But my belief goes a little deeper than the bible . I also think that it is impossible for things to be perfect. They may seem it or look it, but if you dig a little deeper the is always a flaw or an imperfection. I also think that some of the most beautiful things and people in the world have imperfections. In fact , those imperfections , make them so much more wondrous. Don’t get me wrong I always aim for as good as humanly is possible, but by excepting things having flaws, it save heaps of time and a hole lot of worry.

Miracles – now this is going to sound mad, coming from someone who thought she could not have children, who had non identical twins girls. But the reason I don’t believe they were a Miracle, is simply the fact that non identical twin girl do happen. Mine are not a one off, the are a fair few around. I also don’t think people ending up millionaires from winning the lottery isn’t a miracle, for the same reason. I also hate, more than words , when people say to me, ‘oh it’s a miracle you turned out so well” or “ it’s a miracle your still alive” . Everything I have or have gotten in my life has either come from a lot of hard work, or a great deal of hardship and loss. I have the great fortune to of inherited, a pretty large amount of money, when I was younger. But I only have that due to losing my god mother to breast cancer. I have had 3 really good jobs and I am respected in the fields I have worked in. But again I worked really hard to get there.

Respect your elders and betters – No, no, no! this is just not true. I believe that you should respect everyone, without exception. But people can lose that respect, and telling me I need to respect them, just because they are older or in a ‘better’ position than me. oh and while we are the subject of respect I completely disagree with the idea that respect needs to be earnt. Bull squirt! Respect should be given to everyone freely without exception. But as I said, I also believe that respect can be lost, and it can be lost very easily, and then it has to be earnt back.

Sorry is the hardest word to say – Again to me this is Bull squirt! Sorry is really easy to say. What is hard , is saying sorry and really meaning it from the bottom of heart, or that you were wrong, when you are wrong. My ex said sorry every time he beat me or sexually abused me, was he sorry no. sorries that are hollow and meaningless are in fact an insult to the person receiving them, or at least they are to me.

Swearing show how unintelligent people – Well then Mastier is stupid! (No his not, I’m not saying that maitsier) . So many super clever people I know swear like dockside navy. Steven Hawkins swore. Swearing is actually good for you. it’s a great way to relieve stress and realise happy endorphins .(ok can I may of made that part up)

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger- again, wrong on so many levels. Not wanting to make things about me, but things that have nearly killed me (yes I mean kill me!) have in-fact had the apiarist effect. Physical health stuff has left me with arthritis, lung damage and poor hearing. My ex beat so badly that I have had 6 operations to fix what he broke. Sexual assault and rape left me so frightened and depressed that I tried to take my own life. It also gave me ptsd, extreme anxiety attacks and full of triggers. But all this has left me with a need to slowly rebuild myself. It taught me to be open, caring and forgiving , as well as making me pretty mentally tough and determined to live. So I guess it is a-least a little true.

So that is what I don’t believe in, but I do believe in loads too ! So to close I will leave you with my grandads and mr Walt Disney’s saying “you gotta have a dream to make a dream come true”

Hugs,

Pixie

Dreams, by Gabriel

Eroticon, family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail

The things I took away from Eroticon.

 

Well I thought I would join in with a post Eroticon post. I have limited myself, because if I listed everything I have taken away from it I would be here till next year’s Eroticon. (yes, that does mean I’m going next year and I’ve started saving already) So here goes.
. A goodie bag to end all goodie bags! Ok, so I had to start with the good bag, it was that good! Full of sexy and kinky little treats. Trust me, I love a goodie bag and with all the conferences I attended, I get through quite a few. But this one had great things that I / we will use. I got 2 mugs, one of which the Boss man has declared is going to work with him and little bear has called dibs on the other. But my fav thing of all must be a pencil, that one of the venders had burnt the outline of a naked lady on to. It will be going to college with me and will be my kink side, on view for the whole world to see, without being in your face.
. Became a published writer. Ok, so I sent a story into the anthology for Eroticon, and it got pic to be in it. Meaning that I came away with a story published in the anthology. I got a copy of the book at the event and have read it from cover to cover, and my what a clever bunch we are! I keep looking at it and crying.
. A new / free toy! The awesome Unihorn stardust clitoral vibrator from rocks off. I got talking to the lovely lady on the rocks off stand, and she asked if I reviewed toys? My answer was no, but it is something I have wanted to get in to doing for a very long time, well we all have really. So, she said if I came back at the end of the conference she would let me have the stardust and we could do a review. Well I did go back, I did get the stardust and I / we tried it out as soon as we got back to the hotel. Lol it in fact made me and the boss man rather late for dinner with his mother.
So now we have past the very pixie focused gains, let’s move on to the fluffier things I have gained, shall we……
‘Made new friends. on the first night, at the meet and greet I had managed to walk in to the holiday inn and was greeted by the wonderful Molly and Cara. Then I was introduced to Mr DomSigns and girl on the net. After that I did the normal me thing of trying to blend in and make myself as little as I could. However, having a bad case of baby / pregnancy brain I tried to this right by the coat rack! Luckily the was another lady doing pretty much the same as me, I think I bumped in to her and we got talking. After 10 minutes of people wanting to hang coats up and being in the way, we venture upstairs to the main room and got a set. This was a great move and we talked to people! Lol the lovely lady I made friends with on the first night, was the epic Sharron Atkinson, and we pretty much stuck together the whole weekend. To be honest, she was my saving grace. A fair few times I got panicked, sad and wanted to go hide, but she made me smile and talked to me. we sat together to eat and hung out in free time. I even talked to people and relaxed a little bit.
. Found out big fancy bloggers are real people – ok so be that I mean that bloggers who I follow and really look up to, are real people. They are flesh and blood. They breath, sneeze, and fart like us mere mortals. I even manged to talk to some of them without going all fan girl and silly.
. Had my belief that academics are approachable – Ok this down to the amazing Madeleine Morris. I sat in on both of her talks and was impressed by both. She speaks with such passion and knowledge on her subject, I was slightly in awe. I grow up in a family full of self-precelled academics, who I always felt as if I should worship them and be a little frightened of them. But at university I was blessed to work with legends, who were ‘Academics’ and changed my outlook on education and learning. But then over recent years, I sadly had people who were very much my first idea of academics, least of all my sisters. So, when I met Madeleine at Eroticon on the Sunday morning, in between napping with knobby and Elvis, and had 10-minute conversation about pollution, sinuses problems, snoring, my ex-husband, and plastic surgery, well let’s say I’m back to thinking that academics rock.
. That I can be sociable – Ok so I made it to the meet and greet, the conference and the Saturday night social. On my own, talking to people and not freaking out. I’m not saying it wasn’t hard and that I enjoyed the whole thing, but I did it on my own without the Boss man or one of the girls. That has not happened in a very, very long time.
. Got a kick up the ass – This was very much needed for me. My writing and blogging has been on the back burner over last month or so, and I had to the point of thinking of just stopping it all together. I was tired, mind body and soul. But being with other people, who are so excited by what they do, sort of rubbed off on me a little.
. Inspiration – I mean to say how could not come away a little bit inspired? I for one am breaming with ideas of things I want to do and try! Lol I have even started pestering sir beasty about writing again!
. Comfortable, being me – ok so this is one of the biggest things I have taken away from Eroticon. I got to be 100% myself. I was the collar wearing, little pixie. nobody batted an eyelid that for a lot of it I was sat cuddling an anxiety blob or sat on the floor or in some ways little. No touched me or tried to make me do things that are hard for me. I was accepted as me.
. Got my Sunday craft fix – To me Sunday is full of 3 things, Mass, Crafting and
Fucking. I went to Mass before the Sunday morning session and fucked in the evening, but I also got my Sunday crafting fix. Thanks to Andrew and Pixie of kinkcraft. Knobby even got a lush new collar! It was also made better by it being in a nice quiet room, full of lovelies like Candysnatchreiews, Kayla Lords, wriggle kitty and John Brownstone.

Now this is where I thought I would be closing this post, and I really was going to, but life is never that simple. The have this week been a lot of talk and chatter in this house hold, largely bought on by Eroticon. I had a slight break down on Sunday night / Monday morning, about a lot of stuff I have had going on. I’m not going to bore you with the in’s and outs of it all. But the have been some major changes in my life. I’m going to list the changes and I will go in to more details over the coming weeks, cos I don’t have the words yet to explain why they have had to happen. So here you go ….
• I have stepped down from all my jobs, bare my privet clients and rescue work.
• I’m going to spend a while enjoying being a mummy
• I’m going to be working on my blog and writing
• I will be doing more kink focused things
• I’m cutting ties with a lot of my family
• I’m having a proper holiday and visiting some of my friends I have not seen in a long time
• I’m going to be looking in to setting up an Etsy shop with Kitten
• We are going house hunting in New jersey.
So that is the end of a very rambling post!
See you all next year?!?!

Pixie x

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail

And still….

It’s 4 am, and I’m still wide awake. My heart hurts, my bones ache, I still taste you on my lips. Every time I close my eyes, images of the last few days dance across my mind, in beautiful vivid colour. I still feel the burning touch of you fingers, as they traced circles over skin. You left only a few hours ago, but with in moment of the door closing behind you, I was hit with the craving for you. I try to fight my addiction for you, and still I want more of you.

I’m laid on the crumpled sheets, where your musky scent lingers, long after you have left. I play back the passion and energy of are love making from the night before. We matched each other, move for move. Instinctively knowing what the other need. You were gentle and loving when I needed, commanding and strong when I needed you to be, and still I let you get up and walk out the door .

Sitting up I see you tie still knotted to the head board, reminding me of how you tied my heads out of the way, causing me to blush. I give up ideas of sleep, pushing myself up and out of bed. stopping to look at my reflection in the mirror, gazing at my body. My bruised breast, puff lower lip and hair that is a tozzled mess. I feel the blush creep from my core, burning like fire. I can’t look away, and still I need your arms round me to make me believe everything you said.

Closing my eyes, drawing in a steading breath, holding on to my dressing table for support. My mind is playing tricks on me, I could swear I heard the door open and soft foot steps coming towards me. then I feel your hands take a firm grip of my arm and my eyes fly open as you spin my round to face you, kissing me and pulling to your chest. Then come the only word I need to know. “I’m staying, I still love you”

For Little Bear, cos even when you drive me mad, I will always love you! x

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., socail, Uncategorized

The little things that mean so much.

Over the weekend I was struggling with some stuff. My sisters were being spiteful and unhelpful. My body decided to not like me and cause me to be in shit load of pain. (I had to take oral morphine on Friday night). MY work load is crazy busy, with only being 2 weeks till Crufts. Adding to the stress was my mother being vile and falling off the waggon, again! All this left me feeling low and very tearful. Luckily, I have great support at home and we found ways round all of it. I also with permission reached out to people on twitter. It was Saturday night Sunday morning, that I read a tweet by @Girly_Juice about how her Daddy had ordered her a pizza, as she was too emotionally discombobulated to figure out how to get food and feed herself. (we have all been there). It was a lovely, caring and extremely romantic thing to do, and proves he is a great Daddy. It also made me think about all the things that my family do for me that show how much they love me. yes, they are big some pretty big thing, like going to treatment with me or going to therapy with me or stepping in when everyday life overwhelms me. But the things that mean the most, are the little things. I said to maîtriser that I was grateful for all the little things that he and the girls do to help me or to show me I’m loved. He liked this a great deal, deciding that I should make a list of 5 things for each of the family, as a kind of giving back and mindfulness task for me. So here goes!

Maîtriser:
• Lunch time phone call, that always starts with ‘How’s my girl?”
• Sitting with me to do help me with my homework on Tuesday nights and Sunday afternoons.
• Works from home for on Thursday, to look after the babies, so I can go to college.
• Sits with me while I do Lego or crafts, writing and talking to me.
• Deals with all my finances, so I don’t have to and, so I don’t need deal with family members asking for finical help.
Babe:
• Will wash ad dry my her when I’m stressed.
• Encouraged and help me plan written and verbal pitches for course ideas.
• Goes to Doctor appointments with me.
• Make my ‘little’ dinners and lunches.
• Will sit with me when I’m freaking out and helps me figure out why and helps me calm down.
Kitten:
• Always willing to cuddle in bed or on the sofa.
• Always has words of comfort when I’m stressed
• Has stood up to my sisters when they are being super mean.
• Lets me fuss over her when she’s poorly.
• Will sit with while I have a bath and make me giggle about stuff.
Little Bear:
• Always able to make me giggle not matter how crap feel.
• Let me tech her how to cook and clean house.
• Act silly and asks me to explain things.
• Lets me fuss over her and always asks if I can do things with her.
• Put me as her next of kin.
So, there it is. To be fair I could have come up with hundreds for them, but I think he wanted me to really think about them carefully. What it makes me see that I really do love the bunch of nutters!