broken brained, family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart

It’s just how we role around here!

It’s just how we roll around here!

I’ve been sat doing a lot of thinking while I’ve been packing to go away on a business trip with a kitten. But I don’t think we’re normal in this family, and I don’t just mean odd, I mean bat crap crazy and stranger than a jumper in July.

What bought this sudden realization to me? A conversation twitter about how I had pack 4 pairs of unicorn socks and 12 pairs of panties for a 2-night trip! But then I also have pack 20 collars, 3 stuffies and a massive tube of lube. I know I’m not normal, and I’m fine about, no really.

I’ve never been what you call ”normal” and from an early age I was labelled ”special”. As a little kid I thought that was a great thing to be, but as I got older I found out that ’special ’ is not such a great thing to be. I was, in fact, a very scornful thing and meant that you were different. It relegated you to the same place as black sheep, funny uncles and those sent to the sisters of mercy.

As I got older it got changed from special, to special needs and I was know to be challenging. Now I should say that my special needs, were nothing more than being dyslexic and struggling to learn my 3rd alphabet. The challenging part was a form of ADD and the fact I was from a home with 2 abusive parents. But I was seen as the problem and got told to stop making excuses and buckle down. But I simply could not do it, being normal hurt, like I was being squashed into a mould that was too small. It had round edges and I had sharp, jagged points. It led to me acting out, getting kicked out of schools and very nearly getting sent to a youth offenders place.

Luckily my nana and my priest (I know right!) saw that I was different in a good way. My Nana and father Michael went in and batted for me, somehow managing to get me one final chance. I got sent a PRU and got help and guidance. I learnt to embrace my quirks, funny habits and being different. I learned that yes I am strange, odd and special, but that can be good and beautiful things.

So fast forward to today, and sure I’m still that odd, different and quirky girl. But I’m doing good. I am succeeding, living a happy and stable life. Sure I could clean for Ireland, I freak out if I have to sit by a bin and have a break down if bird flys over my head. But every day I get up, I know I make people happy, make them smile and make their lives a little bit better. Maister always says I’m his special girl, and that makes me so happy and proud, and I’m ok with that!

From the heart

For @HisLittleRara

Today’s guest blog post is something a little different, in that it’s a collaboration between to people . Me and my wonderful daddy, Antoine Beaulac! he needs no introduction, so here it is

Do you ever have chats with your friends, that suddenly turn in a direction, that should be awkward, but they aren’t and just seem to naturally flow and become something very different? Something hot, sexy, and dirty as hell. That turn you into a wet, squirming mess in bed, begging two men to come fuck you and let them do god only knows what to you. Right that’s normal right? Ok, so I know that’s not “normal” but hell it’s fun when it does happen, well I thought I would share one of those times with you.
Maîtres: Little one are you sassing me and Alex? I don’t think you want to do that, do you or are trying to get punished? Hmmm, I think that might be the case. What do you think Alex?
Alex: I think someone wants a spanking and is seeing how hard she can push the Doms in the room. Lol
Maîtres: Is that right Miss Mouse? Well?
Mouse: Might be! Neither of you would do it though, it takes too much to get you to bite! FYI that is sassing you.
Maîtres: No shit Sherlock! I’m warning you Mouse, do not push me, or I will hand your punishment over to Alex, do you understand me?
Mouse: Like is that meant to be a threat? He would not know where to start! Sir is a big fluffy pussycat. Lol he would just give me lines or ban me from my stuffies.
Maîtres: Mouse! That is enough, or he gets control. Do not push me girl, do you hear me!
Mouse: You’re both big fluffy pussycats. Na nah na nah!
Alex: Someone is for it now! Lol.
Mouse: Nah ah! You’re both too fluffy and sweet and cute to know what to do to me!
Maîtres: Right that does it little one, Alex what shall we do with the little fool? Hmm?
Alex: So many choices…. Spanking…. Edging…. positions….
Maîtres: Needs to fit the crime brother. Such sass and back chatting. Needs to sting brother.
Alex: 20 on each with the hairbrush, to start. Then edging with hands on the bed for 20 mins. Sound good?
Maîtres: Clothes off little one, in humble on the bed and make sure the iPad is positioned so Alex can watch. Understand?
Mouse: Nope hiding! You won’t find me!
Alex: £20 she’s under her blankets or in the shower?! Lol
Maîtres: Open the camera….
Maîtres: See I found her under her blankets, didn’t I? smile for Alex.
*turns me round roughly to face the camera and starts to strip me of my clothes roughly. Pushes me on the bed so I’m kneeling with my bottom facing the camera. Legs open and showing my pussy to Alex.
Alex: Lol you called it right my friend and that is a very nice smile Mouse
Maîtres: So, what shall Mouse get as a punishment? Any ideas Alex?
Alex: Oh, the possibilities are endless, such sass needs a fitting punishment.
Maîtres: Shall we ask Mouse?
*tosses mouse her phone*
Alex: How about the hairbrush?? Then you eat her out till she is about to cum, then back off, over and over, till she’s crying and begging to cum. She must keep her hands on the bed the whole time!
Mouse: Nah ah! How is sassing you worth that level of punishment? Jeepers! Next you will tell me that Alex must watch!!!!
Maîtres: lol Mouse, you forget, I don’t allow you to negotiate your own punishments. Who is in charge here? I think Alex is right, but I don’t know if he wants to watch? What do you think my friend? How many strokes brother?
Alex: 25 on each should do it and edging 10 times should do it
Mouse: Hey! He doesn’t get to choose about my butt and the blinkin’ hairbrush!
*giggling and sticking tongue out at Maîtres and Alex *
Maîtres: You’re right Mouse, he doesn’t, but I do, and I have decided to ask Alex’s advice.
Alex: Just asking my friend, did she tell you she’s been calling you ‘The Frog?’
Maîtres: No! lol oh little one you’re in so much trouble now. Get in humble now, arse to the camera and show Alex how well you take your punishment for me.
*hairbrush in hands, one strike after another landing on my upturned butt. I’m counting and saying thank you, but reach for my phone*
Mouse: Please Maîtres, please I need you!!!!!
Alex: Does somebody need punishment again, do they little one? What’s the matter, too much for that bum? Lol yeah right.
Maîtres: ROFL! Dude! What’s wrong Miss Mousey? Too much? Or is it making you wet? Come on Princess.
Mouse: No shy! Not telling you, I’m going to hide again.
*Drops hairbrush, grabs hold of me before I can move, plunging a finger into a very wet pussy, making me whimper and hide face in hands.
Maîtres: Oh, look here, someone is horny from a spanking! Oh, dear Mouse, looks like I need to show you how to behave again now. Alex, what shall we try this time?
Alex: Tell us what you’re thinking right now?
Mouse: Nah ah! Not happening?
Maîtres: Oh, come now little one! Tell Maîtres what you’re thinking, and I might let it happen. Or shall we get Alex to guess? 5 more for each wrong answer?
Alex: Ha-ha! Fluffy bunnies? Unicorns and rainbows? McDonald’s?
Mouse: No silly head! Still not telling.
Maîtres: Mouse, you will use your words and tell me and Alex right this minute. Do you understand me?
Mouse: Yes Maîtres. I was thinking about Alex’s pierced nipples.
Alex: Just my nipples? Oh, or do you mean the work out thing we spoke about?
Mouse: Nah ah! Can’t say to shy!
Maîtres: Use those words baby girl!
*turns to stare at Maîtres, first time he has ever called me baby girl. Makes me nearly cum on the spot*
Mouse: Yes, and how they would feel on my back as you fucked me up the arse and how your hands would feel on my boobs and clit.
Maîtres: You want to fuck Alex little one? That’s all?
Alex: I think there is more! Blown away by this little gem though!
Mouse: I want Maîtres to watch, as you fuck me hard from behind, make me cum and for Kitten to go down on him, while he watches.
Maîtres: Well done baby girl. What else?
Alex: Fucking hard as steel here! Lol
Mouse: Nah ah! Can’t!
Alex: Come on little one, use those words? You want to make Maîtres and me, proud, don’t you? Use those words.
Mouse: I want to ride Maîtres cock and I want your cock in my arse, to feel your piercings on my back and I want to be fucked without mercy.
Maîtres: What a lovely idea that is! Good girl, keep going?
Alex: Fuck me! You’re such a dirty little thing, aren’t you?
Mouse: I want Alex’s tongue on my clit, Kittens on mine and I want to make her scream. I want you to tell them what to do to me and I want to be made to beg.
Maîtres: Do you think we should allow that Alex? Do you think my baby girl should be allowed to have some fun with me and you?
Alex: I think your girl would like an empty hotel room and you and me tag teaming her.
Maîtres: Brother I think you’re right! Little One would you like that? What would you like to do?
Mouse: Can’t say, shy and hiding!
Alex: Little one, I want 100 words of what you want to do in that hotel room, right here in messenger, right now.
Maîtres: Do it girl, right now!
Mouse: I want to meet you both at the door on my knees, I want you to put on my lead, to crawl to the bed. I want to be made to serve you both and made to beg. I want to be spanked, flogged, and punished. I want to ride both of your cocks and in the arse. I want to cum over and over again, then made to clean both your cocks. I want pain, I want to be made to submit and to serve.
Alex: Fuck! Good girl!
Maîtres: That’s a girl! So proud of you. Shall I move to edging her a little or should she be allowed to cum?
Alex: Edging! If I was there I would fuck that tight pussy and eat that clit, to the point of cumming and then back off. To keep doing that over and over, until it gets painful and then ruin her.
Maîtres: Shall we try and make that happen soon little one? Would you like that?
Mouse: Yes, please Maîtres, please! Promise!!
Alex: I think I need to look at flights for a long overdue visit, don’t you think Tony?
Maîtres: I think so my friend! She is squealing at the idea. Brother going to sign off for a while, I think a certain baby girl needs some attention!
*spend the next 2 hours sucking, fucking and everything in between*
Maîtres: Brother, she’s sleeping on my chest right now, but THANK YOU! Someone turned into a little hell kitten after that! Jesus, she’s not going to be able to walk in the morning!!!
Alex: Pleasure brother! I enjoyed it a lot, watching her was epic my friend!
Maîtres: We must sort that visit out lol. It’s also the first time she’s let me call her baby girl. Fuck man!
Alex. Defiantly my friend.
Maîtriser: Going to have to leave it here, for now, someone is sucking my cock, again!

Masturbation Monday, Poly life

Afternoon itch….

Afternoon itch….
Do you ever get to a point, say mid afternoon that you’re just plain fucking horny? Well I do, alarmingly often these days. Being pregnant has sent my libido into overdrive lately. I get to nap time and it hits me full force, the tiniest thing makes me horny, to the point I normally have to make a desperate plea Maîtres be allowed to play and cum. It starts as a slight throb of my clit; my pulse picks up a little. I get a hot flush spread through my body, creeping slowly upwards and outwards warming my cheeks, flushing my breast, and turning my nipples to rock hard burning little nubs. The throbbing of my clit gets stronger and stronger, to the point of hurting. My breathing hitches up, I start to shake and feel like I would cum if I sneezed. It leaves me dripping wet and I am having to change my panties 2 or 3 times a day.
Another thing that seems to have happened is that I have gone from extremely submissive, to even more submissive. Not in a bad way, well I don’t think so. In a wanting to serve Maîtres and my other Dominates and big. To be used to bring them pleasure, without any regard for my own wants or needs. I want to be used, fucked, and make them cum.
This is what happened yesterday. I had watched Steve mowing the lawns in just shorts, no top and sweating with the exertion. The throbbing started and was rapidly building, causing a cramping feeling in my tummy. All I wanted to do was sink to my knees and worship his thick cock with my mouth and make him cum, hoping he lets my swallow. The only drawback is I’m not allowed to play without asking Maîtres first. I got up out of my chair, grabbed my iPad, praying that he was online, that he was in a good mood and that I would be allowed to play. He was, he was happy, and he said to go play, please and cum, but only if I wrote about it afterward. Well, that sent a gash to my pussy and my panties were drenched.
Steve was back in the house by this time, and I was needing to submit, and he has a beautiful cock. I stripped my clothes off in record time, ran my fingers through my hair and checked myself in the mirror. Then I crept downstairs to the living room, dropped to my knees and crawled as quietly as I could to where Steve was, relaxing in the leather armchair. Getting to about 6 ft from where he was, I cleared my throat. Steve’s eyes shot open, and I think his jaw hit the ground and his cock got stretch marks with the speed it jumped to attention. I crawled up to him and between his legs, I could feel the damp heat of his sweat as I lay my head on his knees. Looking down at me, I got ‘what girl?’ nuzzling my cheek into his cock and peering slightly, I looked up through lowered lashes ‘please’. That was met with a nod of the head and I swung into action.
Moving to a squatting position, I push Steve up and into a standing position. Pulling his shorts down, letting his cock spring free, not breaking eye contact the whole while. I take his cock in my hands and give it a few slow pumps and kiss the head, licking the pre-cum off it. I know how Steve likes a girl to go down on him, I knew not to go too hard and fast at the start. To take my time, using slow, deli part movements. That he likes his ball massaged, a finger runs around his ass hole, but not in it. He loves a slight corkscrew movement, that he likes to go as far down your throat as he can, even when you gag because of the size of him.
It heats up the minute his hand finds its way into my hair, gripping tightly and taking over full control, as he blissfully fucks my mouth. He grabs my hands in his paw like grip, making sure I don’t ‘cheat ‘. I can feel my juices running down my thighs. I have tears streaming down my face, from the force he is now using to fuck my throat. I know I look like a greedy little slut and I don’t give a flying fuck. Harder, faster and the more turned on I feel myself getting, I swear I’m making puddles on the floor. Then Steve’s grip tightens, his breathing speeds up and his thrust becomes deeper. Then with a roar, he cums, sending his delicious, hot cum down my throat. Squirt after squirt, hot, sweet, and salty. I almost cum there on the spot.
But then Steve is pulling me, bending me at the waist over the arm of an armchair, kicking my feet apart. He shoves three fingers into my pussy, curving them so they roughly hit my g-spot, while his thumb stabs at my clit. His other hand holds my neck down, so I can’t see what is happening, just feel. Then in a commanding tone, I get told ‘Come girl, now, this second.’ Every contract, over and over as I cum, with a scream. It’s so intense that my eyes roll back in my head, and so total that I squirt so hard and so much that I feel it hitting the floor and my feet. If it had not been for his strong arm and the armchair, I would have been in a heap on the floor. I was shaking, sweating and not quite sure what was going on. It was only Steve stroking my back telling me I was a good girl, then I came back down to earth. Standing me up straight and showing his hand covered in my cum. Out of instinct I stuck his fingers into my mouth and licked them clean. Steve collapsed into the chair and we spent the next 15 minutes making out and coming back down to earth, which was almost as lovely as playing with his cock.
Sometimes I need to do things like this. They are not just acts of service and submission, but they are acts of bravery and empowerment. I knew what I needed, I went after it and got my reward. It takes a strong woman to know what she wants and an even stronger one to go after it. So what if I needed to crawl on my knees, ask a guy to let me suck his cock and to use me? I’m happy, loved, and safe. I have my right to live how I want, and that is as a proudly submissive woman, who is a little bad sass with it!

https://masturbationmonday.kaylalords.com/masturbation-monday-204/

Masturbation Monday

Hunting party.


We are a family, we live, love and exists so. We play together and with each other. We are like a wolf pack. Maîtriser as the Alpha male, the protector, provider. Babe alpha female always have masters back and keeping the pups, us girls inline, or trying. We also hunt as a pack, locating our prey, forming a plan, working together to take it down and all enjoying the spoils together. We all have are roles to play and work off each other. This is a little tale of one of trips ‘hunting trips’ for fresh blood to take home and play with. Written together.
Maîtres: My girls want to go hunting, they have been pacing all day, on high alert. I finally gave in when mouse decided to persuade me with her oral talents. So here we are, out late and a bar. They’ve done me proud, like they always do. Dress sexy, but not sluty. I have sat myself at the bar to watch them weave their magic over the men and women. They use every trick they know so effortlessly, you would never be able to tell what they are up to. All a little differently toying with people, bending them to their will and all trying to make me proud. Knowing watching them is a passion of mine.
Babe: A night out is what I needed, the fact maitser and my girls are here to, makes it so much sweeter. The is a lot talent out to night, it hard to think where to start.my mood is for someone to submit to me, and that draws me to the group of ties in the corner of the room. Not the loud one or the really drunk one, but the shy handsome one on the end of the table. He looks like he could fun! Or maybe the cute little red head behind the bar? Her breast keeps threatening to pop out and say hello and her nipples are hard enough to cut diamonds. I can almost feel what it would be like to take it in my mouth, while mouse makes her scream.
Little Bear: squeak! The are door man in this bar, I do love teasing them. They are normally the best fun and will beg for a blow job. But the are some very pretty ladies here tonight. I may try my luck with one of them or join kitten and mouse. Babe is eyeing up the talent, I think it’s either the it guy or the bar maid. Oh, the fun we could have with them both. I decide to go and see what babe is thinking, I wonder if I can take one and she takes the other? Not tag teaming, no that is for kitten and mouse. Although I might still try and get a doorman to play with me, later though.
Kitten: Well mouse is on form tonight, and in to mischief! She seems to want to be even more affectionate than normal. She keeps kissing me, in an almost aggressively, with bouncing off and doing the same with maîtres. We’ve danced, drunk wine and made out so much my lips hurt. Lol poor Master she decided to preictally lap dance for him. Watching her tease, him and then come back to me is making me horny and I feel the need to show her why she should not tease or to tease her a little harder myself. She is such a good girl and her ability to drive people nuts.
Mouse: Squeak! I am so happy to be out, we’ve not been out on the hunt for weeks! I am having so much fun with Kitten and Maîtres. I know if I push a little harder I will get a rise out of one or both, and that might lead to a spanking or fucking, or maybe both. I really like the bar maid that little bear is chatting up. The is a group of it guys in the corner, posers most of them but the is a quiet one, he could be fun. But I’m more interested in kitten and the prospect of tag teaming maîtres right now, or making her cum.
Maister: My girls are having fun. My mouse is pushing mine and Kitten buttons. I have a mind to drag her outside, push her to her knees and fuck that little mouth. Kitten is enjoying her dance skills, I think mouse wants to tag team the IT guys, hmmm do I let them. Little Bear asked to be allowed to take the Door man out back to tease him, and of course knowing Dave and trusting him to stop when need I’ve said yes. That should calm her down a little. Babe is chatting up the bar maid. Nice and slow, I think we might have our prey lined up now. Let’s get this plan in to action.
Little Bear: So, I’m allowed to make out with Dave and tease him. That is how I am in a pub kitchen, topless with a cock in my hand. Dave is a shorter guy, muscles, and dimples when he smiles. He really likes having someone to flirt with, but I’m not sure this is just flirting. I take his cock in my mouth slowly, looking up at him. No need to be gentle, his past the gentle stage. Then his pulling me up and off his cock, spinning me around and lifting my dress up, I’m glad I forgot panties now. He feels to see how wet I am, then pushes in to me with his thick cock. Blunt and hard, playing with my clit with his free hand. Then I’m Cumming and so is he. delicious!
Babe: Maîtres has agreed to the bar maid, Shannon coming back to play after the bar closes at 12. She is 24, Subbie and goth. I’ve been sat telling her about home and play time. Her little eyes nearly came out when I said we all fuck together. She is going to be ruined by the morning. Maîtres is also watching with joy at how the tag teamers in are group. Kitten has gotten the shy IT guy up and he is now being played with by are little cat and mouse team.
Kitten: I don’t know how much this guy has had to drink, but I’m enjoying this. We have him sandwiched between us dancing, Turing him to face us in turn. Mouse is using her hips in her slow, grinding fashion that drives you in no doubt what she is thinking about. his hands are all over her, but she is keeping eye contact with me, with her shy little smile. I can’t stop myself from leaning over and kissing those lips. She holds eye contact, just long enough for me know what she wants. With a nod, I walk to master, who in turn nods and we make are way outside to the ally at the side of the pub, Leaving a confused looking man.
Mouse: We make are way down the ally, just far enough for maîtres to need to keep watch. I do know more than drop to my knees in front of Kitten, hitching her skirt up, tugging her panties of, and plunging in. My goal and want is to make her come as hard and fast as I can. She is so beautiful like this, one leg thrown over my shoulder, hand in my hair and the look of taotal pleasure her face. She does come fast, all over lips and chin. Dragging my up and kissing me hard, she waves to master to come swap with her, bringing him in as her tag partner.
Maîtres: God I love watching those two play and tease men, leaving them wanting. Know that they are doing it to fuel my arousal and desire. Watching my mouse selflessly making kitten cum, like she was on a mission. But now its time to take what’s mine and giving mouse what she needs. I reach her, and she has hitched her dress up, and all I must do is sink my hard cock in to her waiting cunt. Wrapping her legs round me, biting her neck and roughly groping her breast. I fuck her hard and without mercy, not carrying who sees or hears my little ones screams. We both cum hard, and when I place her feet back on the ground she is breathing hard. I hear babe shout to us that’s its closing time and we are ready to go home for drinks with her new ‘friend’.

Let the feasting begin!

https://masturbationmonday.kaylalords.com/masturbation-monday-202/

broken brained, From the heart, musings of pixie heart

High cliffs.

I have a place that I go, in my mind when I become totally overwhelmed by life. Whether its

sadness, anger, pain, anxiety, or fear that send me, it’s the same place, a sort of high cliff

Inside my head. The emotions build gradually, I can see it happening, I try to stop it happening.

But as it grows, it builds faster and faster, till I can’t stop it.

Then I’m on my high cliff, all alone. It high steeply falling ledges, sharp, jagged rocks. On the

top of this high cliff, its open and the is no place to hide. the is either bright, harsh, hot

sunshine. Or Heavy rain and howling winds. Every part of my body hurts. Light and sounds

become physically painful. My tummy is in knots, I can hardly breath, with sweaty palms and

shacking from head to toe. It’s so high, I can’t see the ground or away down. The only way

down seems to be jumping.

So how do I/ we deal with this? Well maîtres would say that to heal and become whole again, is

to first break apart, and for me that is true. I need to shatter and then build myself up again.

But breaking apart is hard to do and can in its self be painful. It sometimes takes a therapy

spanking or kicking the crap out of a punch bag or someone pushing me mentally but sometimes

I need someone to talk me down. But it always ends with shattering and sobbing in whoever

saved me arms.

After breaking apart, I need to rebuild myself. Nobody can do it for me, it must come from me.

I need love, support and understanding If I need help I will ask for it. I need people in my life

that are consistent, open, and gentle. who will approach with care, but more than anything I need

people to stand by my side as I fight my way back up off the floor, and hold my hand while I do it.

broken brained, From the heart, musings of pixie heart

Sunday morning.

I never thought motherhood was going to be easy or a free ride, no I knew it would be hard as hell at times. But for me it’s been great, for the most part. I love my little girls, they are one of the best things I’ve done with my life. But what nobody warned me about is just how exhausting they can be. It feels like I have been running on empty for years not days. It would seem they are both teething, so are grumpy and snarky in the day time. But at night , or should I say the early am they turn into insomniacs , who seem to think their feet are really funny and need to chat to mummy about it, and when they have told my about their toes, tiny, chubby ankles and how they can fit their sisters toes in their mouths, they doze off , with soft snores. But when I lay them in their cots to sleep and turn to leave them, one farts, waking themselves up, shrieking with fright, and waking their sister up. So it’s back to cuddles, chats and calming them down. Not the sort of all nighter I had in mind.

It’s after one of our early am chats that maîtser found me asleep on a bean bag this morning. I love the fact that I have rules to follow about everything, but if my daughters need me they can be over looked. But as well as that I love that maîtser and I have CNC in place, and not just the sexy kind. No I mean the loving kind. The kind that means I get woken up with a kiss, taken down stairs and made to eat what ever is but in front of me. Then hustled in to a hot shower, then a warm fluffy towel, then clean clothes and then tucked in to bed , with a stuffie and orders to sleep. And because I’m his good girl, and mildly exhausted , I have no problem with that at all.

But when the sexy side of our CNC decides I have slept and rested for long enough, and he gathers me up in to his arms, roughly foundling my breast, and biting down hard on my neck. Well not only do I know it’s time to wake up, but I’m going to get used in the most delightful way. When his hand travel down over my rib cage, the curve of my hip, dipping under the waist band of my yoga pants and roughly caressing them down my legs, with my panties, bunching at my knees. I tense and pretend to struggle a little , so his hand will go round my throat and he growls in my ear to behave, to hold still, that I’m his and he will do as he wants with me, it leaves my with no doubt he loves me.

When his other hand plunges in to My folds, and pulls my leg up and back over his, I know what’s coming, his marking me as his, making sure I know damned well that I’m his. Biting my neck, he pulls his hand from me, and I feel him unbuckle his belt and push open the fly. Then his hand is guiding his cock inside me, and he starts fucking me . It’s deliciously harsh, fast and hard. It’s not the beautiful love making, but it’s what I need. It is pure feeling, want and need.

Gently he flips me on to my tummy, pulling my bum and hips up, still fucking me. His hands move to the small of back and my neck, pushing it firmly in to pillow. He fucks me so fiercely , that it is nearly painful. Then his hand come round and under me, find my clit with his thumb , circling it with a determined ferocity that is startling. His close I can feel, and I know that if I struggle and whimper a little , he will love what he is doing to me even more, so I do. That is all it takes , and he looses his control , and so do I. Cumming so hard I think I must of blacked out a little.

Collapsing on top of me , he pulls himself from me , flopping on to his side, panting . Leaving me laying there , stunned and used. I get a hard swat to my arse and in commanding tone he says ‘up , I want feeding’ and with that he is up and off downstairs . I hurriedly collect myself , pulling my clothes back on and smoothing down my hair. Not bothering to clean myself up, loving the feeling of how utterly used and marked his made me feel. I run down stair to carry on taking care of his needs , the way he has done for me.

And why do I do this, cos I love, trust and adore him , as he does me.

Pixie x

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart, social, Uncategorized

come back to me when your ready.

It must be one of the most heart-breaking things I have ever had to do, sit back, and watch someone I love, tear themselves to pieces, their heart breaking and their hole world crashing around them. I could run in and try to save them or fight away their demons for them. But that is not what they need or what they want.
I want to say it will be ok, it gets better, and it hurts less, with time. But who am I to know or think I have any idea what it feels like to them. True I know what pain feels like. I have had the emotional pain that was so sharp it took my breath away, that took over my life, aching so bad, and never going away. But telling some one to trust you when they just don’t trust anything, is not what they need. They need to learn to trust again in their own time and at their own pace.
I want to hold them and love them as hard as I can. But that would make them feel suffocated and restricted. They need space and time to heal themselves, to relearn how to be them and find what they need to be. So, I love them as fiercely as I can, from a far. Waiting for them to come to me when they are good and ready.
I remind myself of how I was when me heart was broken in tiny pieces and I thought I would never get my happy or self-back. I need to scream, cry and rage. I needed space, time, and compassion. I needed people to just carry on loving me for me. No judging, not telling me what to do or feel. I did not need someone to pick me up off the floor, but all the piece back in the right place and hold me together. I had to do that myself, I need to do that, and I need some to hold my hand, and to catch me when I fell again. I needed to fight my own demons, with someone stood by my side, encouraging me. it had to come from me.
So, I sit and watch, sitting on my hands. Loving, watching, and waiting for them to need me. but letting them come to me when they need me and asking for what help they need, when they need it.

 

For my Darling Emit, who without his courage and inspiration , I would be lost.

 

Hugs,

Pixie.

Ps –  give you Take me Home, By Jess Glynne.

broken brained, From the heart, musings of pixie heart, social

From the heart – broken brain update

Hello, hi , hay! So I have not been posting that much or writing much. Normally when that happens , well it’s down to life is busy or I’m working or I have important stuff happening. But not this time people. This time it’s because I don’t or haven’t seen the point. My depression is back and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I’m not coping well, I’m angry, confused and tired. I feel invisible, unliked and ugly. I am hurting , sore and had started hating myself again.

I don’t hide that I have mental health problems, well illness. But I fight it , every bloody day and for the most part I’m winning. But over the last few weeks, not so much. This has largely been bought on by my mum being sick and her death. But the have been other thing at play to. My gp changing my meds with out consulting me or my physiatrist or me, has thrown me off balance. He changed my antidepressant to normal to modified release. Meaning that in the morning I would get a massive high, a huge kick of happy , that by 2.30 pm was leaving and by 5 pm was leaving me flat and on a downward spiral. He cut my main anxiety meds from 5mg 6 times a day, to 1mg 4 times a day. Meaning my anxiety level went from liveable, to through the roof and frightened to level the house. He increased my thyroid meds from 200 mg to 350mg straight away. Meaning I got even more anxious, slept less and felt every so slightly manic. Added to this he stop my anti inflammatory med and took out 2 levels of my pain medication plan. Leaving me trying to cope on less pain medication than I need , not wanting to jump to the really high levels.

Now normally I can cope with a depressive bleep, but I have been dealing with loss and grieve, for people I loved or had very mixed and complex feelings for. Not knowing how to feel or deal with, well it all started to get to much again. I was going through the motions each day, but not feeling anything. I was numb and confused. It’s when this happens that the anxiety and ocd side of my kicks in . I also start to get paranoid and start seeing things in other people’s behaviour towards me that makes me even more paranoid and sad. People not replying to msgs , cos they are busy and stressed , to me is them saying I hate you, get out my life, your a vile bitch and I hate you. It’s not the case , but in my head it was or is. It’s like the worse form of rejection and it hurts. Then the voices start to come back, telling me I’m worthless , hopeless , ugly, vile and a waist of oxygen. Trust me they frighten the fuck out of me.

I got to Thursday last week , and I was dragging my bum out of bed , and just going through the motion of being me. To an outsider I looked like I was doing good. That’s cos I have , over the years got good at putting on a front of being good. I had to, or thought I had too. I don’t like bringing people down or being a pain. I mean I’m the sad sack , why should I bring them down with me, right. I stop a sling things, or for help or for support . I but inside, every time I see someone happy , it twists the knife and kills me a little more.

By Friday , well the pain, hurt and yucky feelings got to much. They left me feeling so sad and anxious, it becomes like a physical pain. So strong it takes you breath away and brings tears to my eyes. I was hurting so bad I started to lash out at people. Not hitting or slapping , but with spiteful words and hurtful actions. I grumped at people on twitter, I thought ill of people and refused cuddles from my darling kitten. Things came to head when uncle Fred ask me how I was doing, and I just broke in to a thousand pieces. Thankfully or sadly , depending how you look at it, he and kitten knew I was not well. The called maîtser, who came home from work. Took all my. Tech away and made me take my meds for anxiety attacks . I was tucked in bed with little bear, I cried and feel asleep in her arms.

Maîtser knew what to do, he always does. He came home from work, checked my tech and meds . (I used to hide things that upset me and I have some times stopped taking my meds when I’m poorly). He phoned my cpn and got him to do a home visit. They looked and saw what had happened with my meds , and my cpn phoned and dealt with my gp and my meds. They got my an appointment to see my head doctor for Monday and agreed on a plan for the weekend. Basically I had to do as I was told, rest and let myself be looked after. I think not having to think about stuff and being looked after was really what so needed. I went to bed on Friday, took my sleep meds and slept for 13 hours straight. I spent Saturday playing with my dogs, watching Disney films and cuddling my babies. Sunday I wrote a little, went out for a roast dinner, played with my babies , cuddled kitten and wrote a little more.

Well Monday morning hot hear, and I was a terrified again. I still had in my head that I was having some sort of phycotic break or something worse and that oil was going to be made to stay in hospital. Aunty May came with me, even coming In with me (I seriously thank the nhs needs great aunties as a way to help look after people with mental Health problems) . After 20 mins of chatting and looking at things, the verdict was in. I’ve not gone mad, or lost the plot or need to stay in hospital. What is wrong with me then? My mother died, my dr changed my meds, triggering a depressive blip and I could not cope with it. Simple! We have made a plan on how to deal with this. It involves medication, therapy , hard work and time. But I have a plan, and when I have a plan , well it sort of makes me see I can and will get better.

But I have also had to realise some pretty hard truths, that really have hurt to come to. The are people who I have hurt, and they may not want me around for a while. That some people may not want me as a friend or in theief lives. That people sometimes only have time for the happy , funny and silly pixie. My behaviour has made me open to critasism and reproach . That some people say one thing and mean another. That I am only human and myself, and that even if they say not , that is not enough or what they want. That others are more their. Up of tea . And even though it should not matter , that my bad mental health, is not something they want to deal with or have in their world. I have to except this and move on but it hurts like hell and it is the thing I’m struggling to except, and will take a long time to deal with or get used to not being enough, but I’ll get their. It is hard to except , it hurts and is going to for a long time. But I guess the is worse things than losing people you thought were friends and liked you. It just hurts and makes me feel invisible.

Well that’s the end to this mental health ramble . Self pity and whining will be kept to a mom I promise and normal pixie is back soon, just not yet.

Hugs,

Pixie

From the heart, musings of pixie heart, Poly life, social

Twitter followers give away, with tigger’s collars!

1000 Twitter followers give away, with tigger’s collars!

So a few weeks ago I was taking a stroll round Etsy , looking for a birthday present for my daddy (my father). When I stumbled across the most beautiful folio case ever, In lilac and baby blue. That takes a A4 pad of paper , with little pockets and clips for my pen and pencils. The downs side , well the fact that It cost almost £100! I can’t get my head round spending that much on myself or would I. So I took it to maîtser and asked if the was away to ‘earn it’. Him being my wonderful , fun Dom he came up with a list of tasks and challenges for me to work, with the end reward being the folio case. One of the goals was to get my twitter following from 666 to 1000. Well We’ve changed a few, due to work load , my mother illness and her passing and finding out we have baby number 3 on the way! But the twitter one stayed the same. The closer I got to the big the 1000 mark ,the more I wanted to do something to say thank you to lovely people who followed me. But I wanted It to be something very pixie-ish. Not being able to post unicorns to people, the next biggest pixie-ish thing I. Outdoor think of was my collar, and when I think collar , I think tigger’s collars! So I quite boldly, well for me asked tigger if I could give a gift voucher for her online store away, and it was met with a massive yes!

I have been a massive fan of tigger’s collar for a long time. They are beautifully made, with love and care . They are quality , leather , vegan leather or pvc based . With fabulous ready to wear options, that sing to my little, submissive side. Put by far the best bit is the build your own option! I have 3 of them, and I would wear them 24/ 7 if I could , but I can’t really wear my princess collar or spiked one to mass on Sunday, but I would if I could! With tigger you can pretty much email her and say can I have it x, y and z?and she will pretty much be able to make you , your dream collar. Then the is the arrival of your collar. Dear lord, all I will say is it’s like a birthday, Christmas and all your treats in a discrete little box In the post. Lol master says that every sub / little / kitten / princess should get to open a tiggers’s collar at one point in their life. Lol.

So fast forward to now, and I have 1000 followers and we have a give away! So what / how is going to work? Well I’m posting a tweet, saying to enter like this tweet to enter, names will be noted and after 10days, it will be closed , names go in a hat and a very lucky winner will be drawn! The is also going to be 3 small prizes of pixie post for 3 little’s as well , to sort of celebrate the birth of the undercover little! So let’s get this started!

Pixie x

Ps -this Is being posted by kitten , as pixie pops is poorly, but really wanted to get this going!

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart

She is gone.

Late yesterday afternoon Maîtser got a phone call. IT was one of those where he picks his phone up, sighs, and hits the answer button. His bright “hello Sophie, how are you”, turned to him sitting up straight, white faced and saying in a hushed tone “oh god, when?”. The question I knew would be coming any day. He fished the call, turn to me and utter 3 words “She is gone”. Then wrapped me in his arms as the enormity of them hit me full force.

What happened? Who is gone? Who is she? You maybe asking, well she is or was my mother, and she has passed away, after a 6month battle with cancer. I knew she did not have long left and I knew she was very ill, but the was part of me that thought, no, she’ll never actually die. My mother followed in her mother’s foot steps of being a very stubborn and head strong lady, so I never really believed she would go. Cos she was so stubborn!

I have written about my mother and how badly we got on, or as maîtser says how brilliantly we did not get on. But I still loved her, even though I did not like her. She was, in her own way a very strong lady, who I can’t help but admire for what she achieved. But was at times a cruel bully, who looked out for number one. Who was spiteful and had a vicious tongue. But I still loved her, after all she was my mum.

What am I left with? How do I grieve? How am I meant to feel? Well I guess I’m left feeling a little numb, shocked, and kind of in limbo. I’ve cried, I got angry and I cried some more. I have talked about it, hugged my babies and eaten ice cream. The truth is although I’m sad and upset she is gone, but the is part of me that more than anything is relieved. She was so ill, and in so much pain that it must have been a happy release. (Cop out term I think).

But what it has done is make me so very thankful for the amazing ‘mother’s’ I’ve got in my lifer had. My nana, who raised me and taught me to love. Aunty May who inspire, Mother’s me, and pushes me to be a better me. My mother in law, who is like the mum I never had and who loves me like the daughter she never had. I am a very lucky lady indeed.

What it’s made very clear is that my baby girls and the little one in my tum, well they are never, ever going to not feel loved. Nope, never, ever, ever. It has made it so clear that all I ever wanted was my mother to love me and put me first. So as a relatively new mummy myself, I have sworn to myself that they will always be my priority. I know love is not all they need, but it’s a bloody good place to start.

I don’t know how I’m going to be in a few days, or months. What I do know is with the love and support of my family and partners, I’m going to be fine.

Hugs,

Pixie