So yesterday (Saturday )was a shitty day in this pixie pop’s head. I woke up feeling sick and giddy , with a very low mood and not really wanting to be around people. The day sort of just nosed dived from there really . I grumped at people, whined , stamped my feet and acted like a total brat. I refused desert at dinner and got stroppy when I was told to take a bath and go to bed early. So in the bath I got and had that ‘ahhhh’ moment , only for it to go away when I could not get in to the Loving BDSM munch. Me not thinking right, sort of went ‘ oh grate I have been blocked and everyone hates me’ (not the simply answer of they are having horrid on going tech problems) . But out of frustration, anxiety and a feeling of being totally lost, We this little pixie erupted to the vile monster I become when an anxiety attack hits me. I feel I need to mark the difference in a panic attack and and anxiety attack. Panic attacks are normally sudden , coming out of the blue and can normally end quickly, but not always . The are a lot of physical sides such as shacking , breathing heavily and feeling sick. Anxiety attacks build up over time and will normally have a different trigger. The are explosive, frightening and last a long time. They have a lot of the same physical effects of panic attacks and normally need medication to bring them under control. That may also lead to an extended depressive episode, psychotic break or a dissociative episode. Both are vile and any one who has them has my sympathy.
Anyway back to what I’m meant to be doing. I took meds, slept, woke feeling drained, tearful and repentant . I apologised to everyone I grumped at, but I also knew that the was going to be consequences for my actions, the always are and rightly so. The first part was / is to fess up and admit what I did and What rules I broke, so here we go…. (buckle up buckle up yell)
• I grumped at Maister , kitten , little bear ,babe and steve, when they offered help or support.
• I grumped at people online via email, twitter and DM , again this is very much not acceptable behaviour.
• I refused to let babe take Connie when she would not settle.
• I refused cuddles from kitten and snapped at her to leave me alone.
• I shouted at maîtser for moving knives in the kitchen without telling me. We do not use raised voices in this household and I do have the right to tell maîtser off.
• I did not tell maîtser how much weight I have lost, just that I lost weight. I know I should tell him as it can impact seriously on my health.
• I forgot to ask for sleep meds when I woke up crying in the night and refused cuddles to help calm me down.
• I scratched at the worry spot on my neck , behind my left ear and on my low back, making them bleed and open up. This is a form of self harm
• I have started swearing again. This is a basic rule break and I know very well how much Babe dislikes it.
• I put myself over 30 times a day for at least 5 days. Major problem and breaks at least 4 rules.
• Pushed myself to the point of physical and emotional exhaustion, but refused comfort form kitten and little bear.
• Skipped my nap time 4days in a row.
• Skipped my snacks, at least once a day for a week.
• Skipped a dentist and dermatologist appointment.
• Refused to take pain medication when needed .
• Refused to stay in bed when asked to rest.
• Back chatted and spoke out of turn to Babe 3 times.
• Sassed maîtser and grumped at him for telling me to take a nap
• I had things niggling on my mind, but let them fester, instead of talking to maîtser
So those are my crimes. It the first time ever that I have not thought hold up that’s not fair. I have been a right cow bag over the last month or so and I realise how grumpy and horrid I have been. So now for the rest of the punishment and this time maîtser has got all the Dom’s in my life to have some input in to it! As I said the first part is sitting down and writing down what I did and then listing the punishment I’m given. I put may not seem a huge thing to many people, but it is a very humbling thing to me. It is a way of showing I’m not perfect, I fuck up and the is always a price for those fuck ups. So the punishment safe as follows.
• Loss of all unsupervised free time for the next 2 weeks.
• Doctor and dentist appointments rebooked, attended , with aunt May.
• No back chat, sassing or grumping at anyone.
• No swearing what so ever. 10 for each swear word with Babes hair brush.
• Work outs 2 times a week with Steve, working on excretion , form and strength. For the next 4 weeks
• 30 mins of yoga a day, as set by babe . For the next 4 weeks.
• Swimming lessons weekly with maîtser, for the next 8 weeks.
• To drink 3 lt of water a day and to carry my water bottle at all times.
• To eat 2500 kl a day, everyday.
• To reach my 40000steps a week goal , but not exceeding it by more than 40000.
• To write for 60mins 3 times a day working towards a word goal of 10000 a week, for the next 6 weeks.
• One story for MM, kotw, and wicked Wednesday to be written and submitted over the next 6 weeks.
• Blog post to be written about why I brake rules and why I keep getting punishment for them.
• Blog post about the 5 Parts of my body I dislike the most and why I dislike them.
• Blog post about my top 5 phobias , why I have them and how they hold me back.
• To read and comment on 5 blog post a day for the next 6weeks. Turning the my top 3 in to a #SoSS post on a Saturday, for the next 6 weeks.
• Daily public affirmations to be done and blogged about.
• CNC is enforce for the next 6weeks, and covers affection from the girls and any PDA.
• To wear what I am told every day, no back chatting. For the next 6 weeks.
• To eat what I am told when I’m told for the next 6 weeks.
• 9.30pm bed time is in force for the next 6 weeks and a 10.30 lights out is in place.
So that’s my punishment and here’s hoping the next six weeks go without a hitch. But more than anything I hope I can do better and not let maîtser or myself down again.