broken brained, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Uncategorized

Anger is an energy…

Anger is an energy.
Right let me start by say, yep totally ripped of John Lydon book. Now moving on to what this blog post is about shall we?! Well in a nut shell it’s about anger, how people see and treat it, and how it affects me and how I deal with it.
Anger is kind of the elephant in the room for a lot of people or a sort of forbidden emotion. I mean pretty much every other emotion is accepted, if not welcome. But poor old anger is always seen as a negative emotion and something you’re not meant to show. But like all things we try to keep hidden, when it finally comes to the surface it can be messy, hurt people and really fuck you up if you don’t deal with it. The way I look at it is, that anger is not always a negative thing, it is a very strong emotion with a lot of energy behind it, needing careful handling, but should not be feared, as we all at some point feel anger.
For me anger was and is a big part of my life, that I work hard on controlling. I know that may sound shocking to some, as online pixie is sweet and innocent, cute and little. With maybe the odd rant or rude word here and there. For the most part you would be right, but the is another side that you don’t see and that is the angry Pixie, who rants rages and has been known to throw plate at the boss man. I know shocking right?! But I am only human, and it is only natural to get angry sometimes. But for me anger has or did for a long time have a negative impact on my life. I was not allowed to show anger at home growing up. My mother would never allow it and my daddy would turn his anger on me in the form of a beating or horrid word. when I hit my teens, I started to have angry outburst, that I now know were due to not dealing with abuse and with having Anxious ADD. But I was lucky that some one saw this and I got sent to an anger magnet therapist and learnt ways to deal with it
For my anger has a few different Face. The is Mrs grumpy face that people get when I’m tired, feel unwell or get woken up by the phone at 6 am. Then the Rage monster, this is when I get mad at people being treated unfairly, people hurting those I love or some numpty cutting me up oh the rounder bout. It is normally accompanied with a lot of swearing, shouting and hot air. Then we have anxious, broken brained angry Pixie. I don’t now when or what this looks like, not as my brain switches off and I can’t function. I have been told I become short, extremally critical and rude with people. Then the is to me the scariest type, the silent sighing type, that I turn in on myself. It’s the one I get when I feel I have fucked something up or not done enough. It is my self-critical side and it frightens the crap out of me. it has in the past led to self harm, anxiety attack, and a few times trying to take my life. It is spiteful, rude, and aggressive and it is always turn in on me. It led to me losing my friends, disliking myself and not try anything.
But with everything I need to do in my life, I say, I’m working on it. Its not gone, but I am living with it. I did this by meeting it head on, challenging it and fighting it. I won’t let it rule my life and I do not deserve to fell like it makes me feel.
I have ways to deal with it, that I have learnt in therapy and from maîtriser. They are:
• Breath – Ok so deep breathing works amazingly well for so many things. But I also have a little mantra I say while doing deep breathing, it is ‘Breath just breath. Keep moving forward, take baby steps if you have too. But keep moving and just breath.’ Saying this brings me back down to a normal level of meness.
• Time out – So yes, I give myself time outs. Simply as turning my phone off, iPod on calming music and I go sit and calm down for 20 mins, not talking or interacting with anyone.
• Walk it off – Again as simple as putting my shoes on and taking a dog for a walk. I come back, and I’m calm and not going to kill anyone.
• Scream about it – Ok so this is always as simply as screaming. It normally involves the boss man taking me to the gym, stick loud music on and making me spare with him. The is highly stress reliving about kicking the crap out of someone.
• Talk or write about it – I see a therapist every 2 weeks and blog as a way of keeping a lid on things.
• Hug it out – ok so this is pure and simply my nana’s idea! When I was a kid, if I got angry instead of telling me off or shouting at me and resulting in me getting angrier. She would make me hug someone. Normally my granddah, her or my great, great aunty win. It was her belief and now mine that you can’t stay mad if your hugging someone.
So that is my take on anger and how I deal with it. I know it must seem a little strange to some but for me it really does work!

Hugs,
Pixie x

broken brained, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Uncategorized

Pixie’s prompt – Music be the food of love….

Pic 3 pieces of music that mean different things to you. Explain what they mean to you and why? How do you feel when you hear them? What do you think of when your hear them?

The town I loved so welll , by Phil Coulte. (the High Kings version).

This is a song that was written by Phil Coulte of the Dubliners and it’s about his childhood growing up in a town called Derry in Northern Ireland. For me it takes me back to my childhood in Belfast and Armagh. I have some very happy memories of my childhood, which this song reminds me of. But on the flip side it reminds me of the troubles in Ireland. It also for me sums up the people of the towns I grow up in. Fiercely proud of are roots, Loving, caring and are refusal to let the troubles impact on are lives. It makes me happy and sad at the say time, with a little bit of home sickness thrown in for good measure.

One more light, by Linkin Park.
So this song is not the happiest of songs, and a few weeks after this song came out the leader sing of the band took his life. But I can really relate to it on a lot of leaves. When I’m really depressed I feel like my light goes out and that people cant see me. I love how this song sort of tells you that if your light really were to go out that it really would mater to people. That your not just one more light to go out and that we all mater. But I can also feel the pain of the person say that it would mater to them, reminding me of the pain I have felt when my friends have past away or try to hurt themselves . it a beautiful song that reminds me that no matter how bad I feel someone would miss you.

I’m Yours, by Ron Pope.

This was the song that maîtriser and I had been first dance at are wedding to, so it brings back memories of that. But it was also a song that he would sing to me as I was recovering from trying to end my life. Thinking about it I guess maybe it was his way of saying “oi, your daft cow I love you” But I was so poorly, both mentally and physically at the time, just nothing sunk in. But know when I hear it I just feel a rush of love and want to hug maîtriser. IT also reminds me that his mine and I’m his, for the rest of are lives!

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Uncategorized

New year, Better me!

New year, Better me!
Well 2017 is gone and I find myself in a reflective mood. For a lot of people, I know 2017 was not the best of year. With loss, illness, big ass storms and Donny-j. For me it was full of lows and highs. It was the year my daddy got sicker, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I lost friends and family and my depression and anxiety decided to kick me in the butt. But it was also a year of great personal growth for me. I found my fit as a wife, blogger, and feminist. But by fair the best thing of 2017 was becoming a mother to my beautiful twin girls. I know a lot more to life that being a mum, but when you have thought for many years that it is something you’re not going to get to do. Well when you do, it blows your mind. I never knew I could love something so deeply and fiercely as I do them.
I have seen loads of people posting their new year resolutions, but you won’t be seeing any from me. We don’t make them, as maîtriser thinks it away of setting yourself for an unnecessary fail. What we do is sit down and make a list of targets and goals we want to work towards and plan how we can achieve them. it’s something we do every 3 months and we cover pretty much every aspect of are lives. Even maîtriser does it and will let us set goals for him! We sat down on Friday last week and did are lists. This is where I admit that I love the whole planning side of this. I get to get all my gel pens and stickers out. It’s really good fun!
Some of my goal for the next 3 months are: Loose the last of the baby weight and 15lbs extra, run my dogs at crufts, attend eroticon, pitch some ideas at other blogs, do my muck run training, more swimming lessons and get my new and improved blog up and running!
Maîtriser has also sat down with my and we have set some goals for my blog. Such as post a min of 3 times a week, keeping up to date with emails and upping the number of followers to my blog. Lol one of my friends got me a bloggers journal and a diary that is designed for people who have autism, that have been amazing. They are fun, clear, easy to use and don’t feel like they are shouting at me. So, yay!

I have also decided that I want really work on my English. Not just writing, but spelling, grammar, punctuation and understanding. This came about after several nasty comments about my spelling and grammar. I’m dyslexic and have Anxious ADD, so that makes learning and understanding really flipping tough at times. adding to this I grow up speaking a mix of Irish Gaelic and Russian you can see why English is something I have ongoing struggles with it! But I have Bob my English tutor tailoring lessons for help with this. Also, Sir Beasty is stepping in to help with editing my work, so it’s a case of bring it on!

So, as I wave good bye to 2017, I’m hitting the ground running in 2018, so bring it 2018!

Hugs,

Pixie x

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail, Uncategorized

oppsss I did it again, well sort of!

So I was meant to be sitting down and confessing to my sins , and I will , but something happened when maîtriser was handing out punishment and telling why I was getting punishment. I disagreed with him on a couple of points, and he actually stopped, thought about what I said, and agreed with me. Now to a lot of you this would sound like I was being blushy and naughty for not just taking my punishment and that maîtriser should have just stamped down on my disagreement . But we roll a little different here in the Beaulac  household. I do what I’m asked , without hesitation 95% of the time, no really I do. But I also have the right to ask questions if I want or need to and I am allowed to disagree with maîtriser and point out why I disagree. As long as I do it politely and respectfully . Most of the time , when I disagree with something we will sit down and talk about it, and nine times out ten , I see that I’ve got it all ass about tit. (no I really do!) But this time , well I got it right , and an apologue from maîtriser, and he never says sorry unless he means it!

But back to the fessing up part, So here goes again…..

  • I went out without a coat on and got court in the rain.
  • wore the wrong shoes out, getting wet feet in the rain and blisters.
  • I forgot to do BG levels 5 times in a week.
  • I refused Pain meds , when I needed them.
  • I refused sleep meds, When I needed them.
  • I exceed my step count by 1800 steps 4 days in a row.
  • I stayed up past my bed 3 days in a row.
  • I allowed my sister to speak to me in a rude and aggressive manner.
  • I listen to my mother and took what she said to heart.
  • I forgot to write in my diary 2 days in a row.

My punishment for these rule breaks are as follows:

  • Kitten will be testing my BG level 3 times a day for next week.
  • I will wear what ever maîtriser tells to, without questions  for the next week.
  • I have to Keep a food diary , on top of my normal diary for the next week.
  • My bedtime is moved to 9.30 instead of 11pm for the next week.
  • CNC is inforced for the next week.
  • I will do a daily mantra and extra  mindfulness for the next week.

The points I disagreed with were:

I allowed my father in the house without maîtriser being home. – Yes I did allow him in the house , but aunty may was here , the weather was very bad and he was locked out of his flat, meaning he could have got hurt. I also phoned maîtriser as soon as I could and asked aunty may and uncle fred to stay till you came home to take my daddy home. – It was agreed that these were fair points and that I missed out punishment for this rule break.

I did not eat all my meals and snacks on 3 days in a row. – I disagree with as I have been on very strong antibiotics and they have been making me really sick and tired. I skip snack and ate a little less , so I would not be sick and kept my medication down. – it was agreed that this was a fair point, but I should have asked for antisickness medication. So Although I should have told someone, maîtriser that he understood that I was feeling very unwell, so I am let off this rule break.

I shouted at Babe when she told my off for forgetting my phone when I went to the doctors. – I disagreed with this as I believe I only raised my voice and was extremely worried about my chest and asthma . She has even said that she judge her timing and impact of what she said. After speaking to Babe , maîtriser agreed that it was not as bad as he first thought, but I should of taking my phone no mater what, but he except worry over took my thinking. So I have been let off this rule break.

So that’s all of it , promise! maîtriser is also making me email all this to everyone, so yay! any way , I’m off to bed!!!

Hugs,

Pixie x

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, Uncategorized

Day 23 & 24 of the Submissivs Advent calendar, by Submissive Guide – Twinkling stars and lights & Spirt of submission.

So you may have noticed that this my last post and this one are going out on Christmas day. Things have been a little made round here for the last few day, and that is saying something! All the girls are done with work till the new year, we have Emit and Steve staying, my mother-in-law arrived yesterday to stay as well. I spent 7 hours in A & E with Steve , after he split his head open after fainting. Added to this that I forgot to get half the food shopping we needed and still forgot the carrots , so I had to do a emergency shop at 7.45 last night. Well yeah, it’s been mental. Then this morning Little Bear got the whole house up at 5.15 am to do stockings, I may be found in a corner asleep at this rate!

So on to Saturday’s activates, the focus of which was lights and stars , and how they can leave you in awe of their beauty and light. The first activate was called look at all the lights. The idea was for you to wrap up warm and take a walk around the area you live in and look at all the Christmas lights. The second was call , What awes you? . It was a reflection on what leaves you in awe around the winter session. Well I did both!

What I did was wrap myself, the babies and two of the dogs up , and went for a nice long walk round the local area to look at the lights. I used my alone time to do this, I get an hour a day that I can do what ever I want. it was amazing and really beautiful , if not a little cold. the most breath –  taking site had to be the light that come form the cathedral. Sat right in the middle of the town, on a hill and flood light. it is just stunning and always makes me feel like I’m home. As for what I’m in Awe of? well So many things. How loving and giving people are, my little poly family and what the boss man does for us all. Then is my great aunty may , at 82 she is still as feisty as ever and still kick butt when she needs too!

So on to Sunday’s activity and their focus, which was the spirit of Submission. It gave a famous quote , by Rumi ‘ There are a hundred ways to kneel and kiss the ground’ . This point of the quote for submissive is that the are so many different ways to submit. The first activity was to think about the quote and how you have shown as a submissive this year. the second was to think about the holidays and how it relates to your submission. I chose to do the first.

The were some hand little points to think about, so I have used them , here is what I came up with.

  • How has your submission shone this year? Well I have had a massively busy year, but I have now got to the point that I know what I am expected to do, without be asked to do it. I have also done nearly everything I have been asked to do with grace and a smile. I’m not going to say its all been easy, some of the things I have been asked to do have really push me out of my comfort zone, but I have done them. Properly the biggest thing for me is that I have actually spoken up for myself and also asked for help when I need it, which is something I have really had to try hard with. Are roles have also changed a lot this year. With the growth of the CG/l and the CNC parts becoming a very big part of life. I have also become a lot softer and more relaxed with myself, that has led to me being happier and more settled .
  • What can you d to enhance your feeling of submission in the coming year? Oh well that is a tough question! Well I have asked that I am allowed to wear my proper leather collar more, so I will know be wearing that at home in the day time if I’m on my own. I have also hand over a lot more to maîtriser over the last few months, and I would like for us to step things up a little more , I’m just not sure how or in what way. a few people have suggested TPE or Master / slave dynamic , but that would not work for me, as I can’t ring and ask to be allowed to go to the loo , I need to be able to think on my feet. I mean I run a business, have 7 dogs and 2 small babies!
  • Where are you in your Journey? Are you stuck at a fork in the road or are you traveling on easy street? How would you describe your current situation? Well I would say I’m happy, settled , in love and proud. I think maîtriser has got me to a point that I am kept guessing what is to come, but it does not make me anxious or to off kilter. I hope and pray that things remain this way for a long time to come , but I am sure that , we as a family can deal with anything that comes up!

Well sadly that is the end of my Advent Calendar! but maîtriser has decided that his going to be giving more bloggy-woggie-do-dah challenges in 2018, So YAY!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Diary, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Uncategorized

Day 22 of the Submissive Advent Calendar, by Submissive guide – Here we come – A – Caroling.

Evening all! How are we all doing this wonderful day ? what have you all been up to? Today has been another fab day in the weird world Pixie! The boss man worked really late and then work up saying he was going to work, even though he did actually need to. He would not listen to me so i brought out the big guns, in the shape of his Mother and my Great Aunty May , and after phone calls and being told off , and he stayed home with us! I got to make him breakfast in bed, then had cuddles and nookie! Then Big Steve turned up 2 hours early for his Christmas visit!

So anyway on to todays activities! They are all based on obscure Christmas traditions. the First activity was called Apples. Oranges and Carols. it is based on the tradition of making a Christmas basket of apples and oranges and going round the village, sings carols and giving out the fruit to their boughs . the task was to make your own basket and take it to a nabourgh, that you have never spoken to , so you can spread some Christmas cheer! The second was to crack open out the Christmas music , sit back and enjoy! being a bit anxious today , I chose to do the second!

So what we decided to dig out the Christmas play list of Spotify. We made it the first Christmas we were together as a little poly family! We popped it on after lunch while we all did craft this afternoon, with tea and cakes. The play list seems to be in two halves first one was full of really upbeat music, stuff you could dance round the kitchen too! the second half is slower and full of carols, that I always end up singing along too, really badly. but the are three songs on the playlist that send shivers down my spin and bring tears to my eyes. Silent night, sung by the High Kings, an Irish family group. it just takes me back to Christmas eves as a little girl and my granddad sing it in his arm-chair by the fire. Then the is away in a manger , this was my nana’s favorite Christmas carol. It makes me really miss her, but remember part of her will always be with me. Then the is How great thou art. This was the song that was being sung the first time I went to Mass after I tried to take my life. It was a really hard thing to do, to walk in to a church paked of people, who I thought would judge me for ‘Sinning’. But instead I was met , for the most part, with love and respect. This song just takes me back to that time, and I feel humbled that people are so forgiving and It has made me a lot more forgiving as well. If people could forgive my lies and what I did to myself , then I can and will be the better person and forgive others. I have even started , with the help of my therapist to try to forgive my ex for what he did to me, but that will take a lot of work and time.

So that is today, see you all tomorrow!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

 

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail, Uncategorized

Day 18 of the Submissive advent calendar, By submissive guide – Becoming Real.

Hello Kinksters! Again how are we all today? How are doing this evening? I have my Little bear and my Kitten home with me, but babe will not Wednesday. I do however get to drive to the airport, with the babies to pick her up and my Friend Emit , who is coming for Christmas. So that is something that I have to look forward too!

So today we have an excerpt from the wonderful , The Velveteen Rabbit. this is the passage.

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that
happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just
to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When
you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit
by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It
takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who
break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.
Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved
off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very
shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are
Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

The first activity was to sit and think how it tied into to your submission and  how it relates to love in genres. the second the was about Becoming real. It was to identified when your submission became real , what it look like, how it and how it cemented you identity as a submissive. I decided to do the second activity today.

I guess I first felt submissive when I was about 15 and a girlfriend took control and told me what she wanted me to do to her. But I think when I first felt submissive with maîtriser was when he visited me in hospital after trying to take my own life. I had lied to a lot of people, and I was still hiding a lot of thing from my family and doctors. He sat by my bed and told me he would help me heal and put myself back together , but I had to tell him the whole truth, that the were to be no more lies and that I had to trust him. I was at my absolute lowest point, almost given up on life and defiantly on myself. He made me open up, it hurt , the were tears and a shit load of pain cam pouring out. He locust out ever little bit, pushed me when I thought I could not go on and tested my limits of being vulnerable. But he also held my hand, his calm strength and did not judge me. He knew what I needed , made me talk and never flinched at what I said. He left me with 3 rules to follow if I wanted his help to fix myself 1) No lies. 2) to ask for help when I needed it. and 3) to not harm myself . at this point we were only ‘friends’ , but he saw how much I need rule to follow to get well. but he also knew I needed to do the work, with someone to hold my hand and stand by my side. it Looking at it now I guess he was giving me my first ever rules as a submissive. but to me it just felt like It was just a friend helping a friend. he made my brain calm, loved and safe. I think that is when I really feel in love with him. Cos he saw me  at my worse , and loved the way I need to be loved.

Well that turned out rather deep and meaningful for a Monday night!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

 

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail, Uncategorized

Day 17 of the Submissive's advent calendar , by submissive guide – saying thank you.

So this time next week I will be getting ready for a massive family Christmas eve party. It is a family tradition that my daddy’s side of the family gather at my aunt’s house , eat drink and be merry. I used to love it, but since my nana passed away, I find it very hard. after the death of two of my dads sisters , it is almost to painful to go. they were the lynch pin in the family and without them are once close family has become fragmented. So I’m going , but it has left me feeling very strange.

Right enough whingeing on to today’s fun and games . the focus of today is saying thank you. It’s about think of who and what you are thankfully to have in your life , and saying thank you so they know how important they are and how much you appreciate them . the first activate was to take some time out and say a proper thank you to some one important in your life and tell them why they are so important to you. the second one was to make some home-made cards and use them to say thank you to people . I’m doing they first as I am feeling a little under the weather and I’m not sure I would give 100% to making card, wich is a shame as I love-making cards , and doing craft . especially with the girls., spread out on the kitchen table and a Podcast on . But the girls are with their blood family today, so I chose to do the first one.

As the girls are not here and cos I still feel poorly and low,  maîtriser sat a did this with me! (and I was allowed to have bat cat and poppins!) . I wrote a postcards for the girls , Aunty May, Uncle Fred, Emit, Big Steve and Sir Beasty. I also wrote down why I am thankful for maîtriser, and this is what I wrote.

Maîtriser, I am thankful to have you in my life. You have helped me take back my life back and rebuild myself. you have taught me that it is ok to be myself, to love myself and to take pride in everything that I do. thank you for making see that I need to take care of myself, to be my best and to be able to care for others. you have shown me that I have a great deal of strength and courage from freely submitting to you and by the level of control I have also freely given you. I want to say thanking for my collar, my wedding ring, my home , the girls that you bought in to my life and for the beautiful twin baby girls. After every thing I did to hurt myself and to hurt the people around me, you forgave me and showed me how to forgive myself, you trusted myself and to belive in my self. Thank you for pushing me and making me work as hard as I can to be the best me I can be. thank you for providing me with everything I need to be myself, to feel loved, cared about and safe. But lastly thank you for letting me love you and belong to you!

well I am now off to say a very special thank you too maîtriser!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

From the heart, Masturbation Monday, musings of pixie heart., Uncategorized

All good things….

I’ve been sat outside sirs house waiting for the last 15 minutes, knowing how much he hates tardiness , I’m always get to appointments and work early now. I would hate to disappoint him or let him down, but that’s not the reason I am early today. We have been apart, with no contact for the last 2 weeks. No were not 24/7 , but were not casual either. no I don’t have a collar nor are we exclusive, I mean we’ve not really put a label on what we have, not yet. I mean we have talked about collaring and where we see this , what ever it is going but not agreed on a solid future or putting things on a more formal footing. what I do know is that not being able to text him or speak to him or see for the last 2 weeks has left me with an ache in heart and sadness in my soul. So when he text last night saying he was back from his business trip and that he wanted to see me today at lunch time , so we could talk , but only if I was free. I jumped at the chance to see him and be near him. The fact that I had been meant to be working and having lunch with my sisters , well they could be put off and called in sick to , but i so needed to see him.

the fact is for some horrid self-doubting reason that I just can’t shake , I think this is not going to be a nice chat . Nope I have a feeling that I am going to be told that you don’t want to take it any farther and your going to send me away. I mean most of the time we’ve met it’s been at a bar and then we have gone back to your place, rather than my tiny little studio flat. we talk, and laugh, we play and screw. I’m treated with care and respect, I know you feel desire for me and that you enjoy using my body. You must know how much I’m in to you and what we do, maybe a little too much. have I started to feel more for you than you do for me. Do I want more than are casual informal fun. Am I feeling for you and been lying to both of us when I said I was happy with how things are.

Then It hits me like a punch to the chest and brings tears to my eyes. I so feel more than I thought and want more than we have, but I don’t know how to deal with these very new and extremely strange to me feelings. I don’t even know what I want . To be moved from casual fun to what? Kinky girlfriend? No, I want something more formal. I want rules, I want the discipline , the pain and to serve. I want to be owned, loved and controlled. But more than anything I want him to call me his, and nobody else’s, unless he wants me to share with someone. I just sit there and let it sink in slowly, washing over me in waves .

My phone suddenly starts sing at me, making me jump so much I hit my on the roof of my mini! With a shaking hand I rummage through my handbag , looking for me phone, desperate to shut off the offending noise. When I find the bloody thing I look to see who is calling, flashing on the screen are three letters that send my heart in to a nerves flutter, Sir. I slide the lock screen open ,  clear my throat and hit the answer button. I manage to squeak out ‘Hello’

It’s met with a deep chuckle and a ‘hello yourself’ followed by ‘you took your time answering, not misbehaving are you ?’

Why the hell the word ‘misbehaving ‘ should have any effect on me at all, is boned me . Yet every muscle in my lower half tenses , my breathing hitches in my throat and my nipples , instantly get hard. I stammer out a ‘no’ In a high pitch tone that I don’t recognise as me.

‘So are you actually going to come inside, or were you planning on staying in your car all afternoon?’ Shit, shit ,shit he’s seen me. Oh god what do I do now. As if reading my mind you add ‘ If you’re not on my front pouch, by the front door in less than 30 seconds I will come and drag you out the car’

‘okay , I’m coming already’ I say in a slightly less submissive tone than I would normally use. I’m a tad peeved that you sound way to relaxed and full of humour for this to be anything other than another play session or bout of stress relief. I shake myself , grad my bag from the passenger seat , and make to get out the car. Only now thinking my choice of summer dress and saddles is , possibly not the best thing to wear if someone is going to break things off with you. I mean I feel like ive made too much effort , I should have gone with jeans, t-shirt and trainers, then I would look so bad when I stop at the petrol station on the way home for ice-cream to help with a broken heart.

I’ve almost made it to your porch and front door before I realise that I’m really over thinking all this. More than likely this is just a booty call and that I’m going to have as much fun as you. breathe Kallie , just breathe and stop being so fucking stupid. It’s not going to be all bad , not what you want but at least it well feel good.  lost in thought again , I raise my hand to knock on the door , only for it to swing open  and I’m left knocking on his rather muscled , tanned chest covered in a light brown hair. I just stand their stock still staring at the wall of you that is in front of me. i hear your slow, deep chuckle as your arm go round me and pull me in to your chest for the biggest hug of my life . I breath in a big deep breath , that is full of your sent , lord you smell good, i have missed that smell so much. I breath out a long , deep sigh and let you take me by the hand and guide me in to the house.

You shut the door behind you with firm shove of you foot and I hear the key turn in the lock. I have only taken a few in to the coolness of the tiled hall , the butterflies are back in my tummy and I half heartedly try to figure out how easy I could run and crash through the pouch window and get in to the safety of my car. Lost in thought, I jump when your hands make contact with the bear skin of my shoulder and upper arms. Then your voice in a whisper in  my ear says ‘hush little one, calm down, it’s ok. Why don’t you put your bag down and slip your shoes, then go through to the lounge , while I get us some thing to drink. Go on make yourself comfortable little one’ and then his gone from my side .

I do as I’m told putting my bag on the hall table , slipping my feet out of my sandles and pad along the hall to the lounge, remarking to myself how cool the tiles fell under my bare feet. Once in the lounge I run my fingers across the smooth leather of the couch , and then turn and look out the window to your small garden, with its chairs and table, that would make a perfect spot to share a glass of wine in the late summer sun. Something I’m not likely to every get the chance to enjoy . I turn the blinds down and stand , slowly unbuttoning my dress, opening it wide and shimming it from my shoulder. stepping out of the fabric, I fold it neatly on the end table , then I start to go to work on my bra and panties , folding them and adding them to pile on the end table . I turn to your high back chair , the one you sit in when you want to watch me play and edge myself . not quite sure what to do for the best, I decided that kneeling at the side of your chair would be the best idea. So I walk to the chair and I start to lower myself to my knees, a sense of foreboding and sadness washing over me. I’m really having to fighting of tears and stamp down the sobs that are rising from some place deep inside.

again I’m so court up in my own little world, that I don’t hear you come in the room. The first I know about you being near me is a shocked gasp, the clatter of a tray being sat down and you saying ‘jesus Kallie, I said make yourself comfy , not get bare assed and kneel on the floor’

Lifting my face to yours , I look at you with a very confused look on my face. I stutter out ‘but I thought you wanted to ‘talk’ about stuff'” I feel the sob in my throat rising and tears stinging my eyes, ‘way to make a fool of yourself kallie’ . Looking at you face for some idea of what you really meant , I see you with a bemused grin on you lips and you head shaking . Feeling like a total idiot know I get up from the floor and make to grab my cloths and flee the scene of my shame. But your hand has my arm in a vise like grip, and your turning me to face you. That ‘s when you see the silent tear fulling down my face. all I hear before you fold me in to your arms is ‘fuck Kallie , no sweetie , no , I just want to chat with you about some stuff”

That just makes me sob harder and harder. Great I was right in the first place, you want to call all this off and send me away. I can’t seem to stop the tears or the sobs, but I also try to push my self free of your arms, as they are and your touch is not helping my addled brain to function. but your strong arms are not  letting go , you drag me over to the couch , sit down and host me on to your lap. tucking my head in to shoulder and making shushing noise while you stroke my hair.

when I’ve calmed a little , I whip my eye and blow my nose, wow I must look a mess. I try to stand up, but you’re not having any of it . “hold still missy! Your not moving till you tell me what the fuck all those tears  were for”

to tried to fight you, I relax , take a deep breath and start. ” I thought you called me here to tell me that I was being realised , but when you said get comfy , I thought you wanted to use me and play. So I thought I should be naked and kneeling, but then when you saw me you clearly didn’t  want that , so I felt not only a fool but realised my first thoughts were right , that your about to realise me, and … and…”

“shush little one, let me speak now ok ‘ You say in your firm but friendly tone. I nod , my head bumping under your chin. you hold me tight pull me closer, so I feel safe, little and warm.

You start talking again in a low , calm tone ” I asked you to come here today , as I have things I need to say to you . I did not ask you here for a booty call nor am I going to release you from anything little one. I wanted to talk to you about where we are headed and what future you see for us. I was going to say that not having contact with you for 2 weeks has been hell, that I missed your pretty little face, your cheeky chatter and could not stop thinking about your body and the things I longed to do to it . I was hopping you would say you felt the same and that you might want to take this a step farther. I was going to ask you to do me the honor of wearing my collar and become my sub. I know we have a lot to talk about still and a lot of things to work out but I was so hopping you wanted the same as me. So what is your answer Kallie , is a collar something you are interested in, my collar I mean, me as your Dom on a much more permanent footing?”

I sit stock still in your lap , my eyes are threatening to spill tears again. I open my mouth but no words will come out so I nod my head as hard as I can, bumping the underside of your chin again. I take a deep breath, swallow and finally find the words ‘yes , yes please , ever so much sir!’

With a chuckle you set me on my feet , stand up yourself and pull my into you and lean down and kiss me. soundly, full of passion and leaving me with no doubt that you’re in charge. it goes on and on , and I never want it to stop. but you pull away ,stroking my face with one hand and adjusting  yourself with the other, looking me in the eye the whole time, causing me to blush. You say in a soft and gentle tone’ now little one, I want you to kneel, close your eyes and hold your hair up and away from your neck, I’ll be right back , no peeking , promise?’

I nod and drop to my knees , gathering my hair up in my hands and closing my eyes tightly. I hear you walk in to the hall, rustle through a bag, take something out of it and then pad back me . You kneel behind me and then I feel you place something made of leather round my , it tightens and I can feel you buckling it closed . checking it’s not to tight, you tell me to open my eyes and let go of my hair. my hands fly to the thine strip of leather round my neck , I look up and begging with my eyes, you chuckle and help me to my feet , and I run to the hall and the mirror. I stare at the thin purple , kitten style , leather buckle collar , with a small sliver d-ring at the front and hanging from it is shiny, heart shape tag. with shaking fingers I catch hold of the tag, turning so I can read what is on it . It reads  Sir’s Little one. I cant help myself , I turn round , squealing with delight, I run back to the lounge and launch myself at him.

With my legs wrapped round his waist and arms round your neck, I cover your face I kisses, not realising that your hands are rubbing my bum and moving to my lower lips. Nor that you are walking towards the couch, then I come to just as my naked back hits the smooth leather . the next thing I know I’m rough turned over on to my tummy and then hosted over your lap. your growling at me to hold still. Then comes , in a husky voice ‘ Now little one I think you need to be punished for think the worst , before asking what I wanted to talk to you about , don’t you? hmm, I think 10 of the best on each should do it , now I want you to count little one and say thank you , do you understand?’

‘Yes sir ‘ I squeak and then gasp as I feel the sudden sting of his hand making contact with my bum cheek. ‘1 , thank you sir’ I manage to get out just before your hand makes contact with the other cheek. I count out loud, as the blows land on my bottom , one after another. then as soon as its starts it end and you pull to you for yet another cuddle, but I can feel your erection through your jeans. I look up at you , pleading with my eyes , uttering a ‘please’ , as I slide from your lap, coing to rest between your knees. Not brake eye contact , my hands move to your jeans , to the zip of your fly , slowly dragging it down.

“ok little one , show me what you want to do” you say as you pull your t-shirt up and over  your head , and tossing it to the floor. I pull you fly down, delighted that you have gone commando, tugging your jeans down your toned legs, tossing them to the side with your t-shirt . Then I turn back to you, steeling between your legs , looking to you to check it’s ok! You nod and smile, and I go to work!

Slowly kissing from the tip , down to the base, stopping to drop kisses, then gentle licks and sucks to you balls . I then lick from the base, along the underside , right back to head of your cock. It’s glistening with pre come, that I run my fingers through and use as a lubricant, as I gently pump your cock for a minute or two . But then I can’t wait any longer , sitting back on hunches I take the tip of your cock in my mouth , slowly taking you deeper and deeper in to my throat . Your hand has weaved their way in to my hair and you now decided to take control . Using. My hair, you control the depth and speed of things , leaving me to control how hard I suck and allowing my hands to tease your balls. Soon you stroke speed up, thrusting my face and mouth down harder. I feel you tense , and then with a deafening raw , your empty yourself in to my mouth and I swallow as much as I can . When you finish , you release you death like grip on my hair, and I come up gasping for air.

Still kneeling on the floor, red-faced , swollen lips , hair a mess and still panting. You hover over me and then host up in to your arms, kiss my soundly and cooing soft words in my ear. When my breathing returns to normal , you speak again. ” well little one I think we have an awfully to talk about and things to work out, that is if you still want too that is!?”

“Of course I do buster !” I giggle and playfully punch you in the chest . But it all gets lost in the look On you face . grabbing my arm , you stand taking me with you, only to stoop and gather me up in you arms, telling I need to be punished again , and with that your striding off.to your bed room with me in your arm. Knowing that we’re not done with talk just yer, but also the talking can wait, for now!

Masturbation Monday.

nee mm

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, Uncategorized

Day 14 of the Submissive's Advent Calendar, by Submissive guide – Don't be afraid to be brave.

So yesterday about being afraid and brave with inn are submission. like being frightened to do something and still doing it. We have a made up word for it Scave , When your scared and brave all at the same time!

The first activity was a simple reflection on the current fears you currently have about your submission, are relationship and within resells . The is also a passage from Slavecraft by Guy Baldwin, and you are asked why do you think he wrote that slavery requires bravery ? the second was second was to make a coupon book. By sitting down and writing a list of thing that you were too afraid to do over the last year , then turning them in to a coupon book , that you can give to your dom , a sort of list of things that you are too scaired to try without a little pushing! I did the first on.

I’m going to say that over the last few days I have been very low and my anxiety levels have gone through the roof. I’m ok and maîtriser has stepped up and is take care of me , but I just felt the need to say.

Now what am I fearfully of as a submissive, hmmmm . Well firstly that I don’t please maîtriser enough or that he will stop wanting me . I now I’m enough and I know his not going any place but it that niggles at the back of my mind , but I’m working on it ! Other worries are I can do the same as the rest of the girls. I mean physically I have limits. I can’t kneel for long periods of time and some of the rope stuff that babe is in to. But the way I have found to deal with it , is to speak up about it and then we find a way to adapt it . I also have things that due to having been abused and hurt really badly by me ex, that I find really hard to do. but again we are working on them . taking them to the point that I get scared and then when it is too much I will use my word for I’m not feel happy with this and we take a few steps back. I think Guy Baldwin saying that with slavery the comes bravery , is true. You are putting your life in someones hands , and it takes a lot of trust to believe that person is not going to do any thing to hurt you and that everything is safe. its even harder if you have had a bad entrance in the past.

Well that is as far as I’ve got . I am going to go cuddle maîtriser now!

Hugs,

Pixiie x x x x