musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail, Uncategorized

Blog challenge Days 9 to 21.

So I have been resting but still doing my blog challenge! here are my entries for the last few days…..

Blog Challenge Day 9 to Day 21

Day 9 – Your last kiss.
So, my technique last kiss was my lurcher Bella when I left the house this morning! Don’t judge, she gives great kisses!)
The one before that was an early morning smooch with Kitten this morning. It was on of those lazy. Stretchy kisses, that is unhurried and full of soft touches that normally leads to more, but Babe came bursting in to hustle us out of bed, cos we need to get up and ready for a very long car trip!
Day 10 – Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Alcohol – I’m fine with it in moderation, I don’t drink very much, but that’s mainly cos I’m a flipping light weight, and after 3 beers I’m on the floor giggling! I don’t like being round drunk people or people who get aggressive when drunk, as they make me feel unconfutable and unsafe.
Drugs – All for the ligate one, hell I would be lost without them. illegal ones, don’t do them, don’t like. If you are then that is fine, but please don’t do them round me, and don’t ask me to join in! Everyone I know who has done them in the long term seems to have ended up with bad mental health problems.

Day 11 – Your current relationship
Well to the outside world I’m just a happily married lass. But if you look a little closer you will see that it is a D/s life, that I share with my husband / Dom and 3 other female subs. Myself and the girls are all bi and we all play together. We would all say it is a committed, none monogamous, poly relationship, that makes us all feel happy and whole.

Day 12 – Things you want to say to your ex.
Ah the question I have been dreading more than anything. Things with me ex are still so raw and fresh, but I’m going to give it a go…
• Why did you say you loved me, then try to break me?
• Was I worth so little to you?
• Do you know how much damage you did?
• What was going through you head as you beat me over, and over?
• Why did you have to rape me over and over?
• Did you really think you could break me?
• Does it hurt knowing that I’m doing just fine without you?
• Does it know that a French man is 1000 times more of a man than you ever could be?
You nearly killed, but that was never going to happen while I have this fire, burning in my soul. With love and support I have rebuilt myself. I still have a very long way to go, but I have come so far from the shell that you left behind. But more than anything you need to know that you will never break me, never!

Day 15 – A date you would love to go on.
I would love to go to the adult dyno-snores at the natural history museum. You get an afterhours tour of the museum, a 3-course meal and then a film in the main hall. The is a roof top bar that serves cocktails, that has a great view of London. You can stay up late listening to ghost stories or find a quiet corner to snuggle down for some sleep. Then in the morning you are woken up with a full on cooked breakfast. The only way that is could be more perfect is if the was a way you could have a shag next to all the bones and fossils,

Day 14 – Something discussing that you do.
Umm , not sure that I do anything that I would count as disgusting. I do like Squeezing whiteheads , but I get told off by the Boss man for doing, as the is high risk they could then get infected and that infection could put me in hospital. I also pick at my skin till it bleeds when I am nerves. We are working on that and it is the reason my nails are always kept short!

Day 15 – The best thing to happen this week
By the far the best thing that has happened this week is the Boss man having this week off work so that he could come to my midwife appointment with me . It was just an awesome day. I got to late all cuddled up to kitten. Then had breakfast, a shower and got dressed in the Boss Man . We got there right on time for my appointment, so we got to go straight in. Everything is good , I need to take iron tablets , but apart from that , everything is going smoothly!
After my appointment we are shopping, walked along the river , fed the ducks and lunch in my faviform pub. We did grocery shopping , went home, took a nap, and then cooked dinner together. We ate when the girls got home , and then it was baths, jammies, and DVD’s on the sofa till it was time for bed, story, and cuddles.
It’s not anything big or fancy. Just a day doing normal stuff, with the people I love. But never really having had that before , it makes for a very happy me!
Day 16 – 3 things that you are proud about your personality .
1) Tough – I’ve be through some shit over the years (slight under statement?!?!). I have come close to giving up a lot of times, but I have not. I have stuck at it and fought on and carried on living. I am pretty sure that some of it has been done through being bloody stubborn , but hay I’m still here!
2) Caring – I like to think that I’m carrion , I hope I am! I like looking after people and making sure they are safe and away from harm. I will always stick up for and protect the people I love . I will always try to support my friends and family, even if I don’t agree with them.
3) None judgemental – I have fucked so many times, and I know first-hand what it feels like to have someone judge you and your feelings. I would never want to make someone feel the way it made me feel.

Day 17 – Things that scare me.
I don’t like to admit that stuff scares me, but they are quite a few things that I’m frightened of. So, I’m going to make a list of them.
• Birds
• Deep open water
• Crowds
• Drunk people
• Confined Spaces
• Driving in the rain
• Outside (I’ ok with beaches/hills/wood)
• Germs
• Dirty places (Bus stations / Public loos / near bins)
• Being sick
• Mice and rats
• Fly’s
• Maggots
• Rotting food
• Thunder storms
• Large groups of teenagers
• Drowning
• Hospitals
• Eels
• Jellyfish
• The bottom of the ocean
• Space
• Things that can’t be explained by science
Strongly I’m not frightened of death.

Day 18 – Disrespecting parents
This is kind of a touchy subject for me as things with my own parents are not good right now and I don’t see things getting any better anytime soon.
I’m off the belief that show and treat your parents with respect , but that respect should also have been shown to you too. I also think that it is very easy to lose respect for them. It does not mean that you love them any less, it just means that they are not the people that you thought they were and that you are different to them .

Day 19 – something that never fails to make you happy .
Without a doubt, it must be waling my dogs, as it makes me happy on so many levels. The fact that just picking up a lead fills the house with wagging tails and excited barks. The are days that I’m in huge amounts of pain or really low , but I take them out and it makes things less tough. I can have a good old stomp, chat to them about the crap that I have going round my head, Safe in the knowledge that I’m not being and they’re not going to tell anyone.
Add to all this that they are so happy to run around like looneys, sniffing and peeing playing with their little friends, laying in muddy puddles, and rolling in the sand . I sit there watching and thin I did that, I made them happy , and that makes me happy!

Day 20m – The last argument that you had.
Weirdly I think it was either about putting petrol in the car or pop tarts. I just don’t remember which. The last proper grown up one was with a receptionist at the doctors, about my need to see a doctor that day and being told I was not sick enough to need to see one . To which I asked what qualifications they had to trig penitents. I also pointed out that being pregnant , suffering from an immune disorder and being diabetic, I felt I did need to see a doctor . After that she found me one pretty dam quick!

Day 21 – Something you can’t seem to get over.
Depression, I have had this bastard illness most of my adult life. It comes and goes, sort of an ebb and flow thing. Sometimes I hardly notice it , it’s just the little grey patch on me sunny day. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming , me in-tier world becomes stormy and dark . But it never truly leaves me. I guess that it never really will, but what has changed is the way I handle it now. I talk about it , I reach out to people, I ask for help and I don’t try to hide it anymore. I have stopped looking at it as an infliction and treat it as an illness. People get sick with it all the time, the are so many treatments for it, from mediatisation to therapy. So, what I means is, Yes, I have depression, no I don’t think I will ever be 100{df7bb8344c8fbc08004428db04482721bad042a20adaf6cb6f45d2148c3c353a} over it, but I can live with it, and I’m cool with that!

 

Hope you enjoy,

Pixie

Loving BDSM, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, Uncategorized

The Behaviour Modification of Pixie Heart (AKA fixing my broken brain)

 

So a few weeks ago the epic Kayla Lords and John Brownstone’s Loving BDSM Podcast was on positive reinforcement, a subject that is very close to my heart. It is something we use every day at home, but we also use a whole host of conditioning tools, classic and operant conditioning, to Premack and Counter conditioning, with a big old dose of CBT thrown in to the mix for good measure!
I make no apologies for the fact that I suffer from extremely complex health problems, both mental and physical. I have after a lot of therapy, got to a point that I will talk openly about my mental health problems. I think I must a point that I relies that I don’t need to be ashamed by them. Some I have had all my adult life and some are because of being in a violent, abusive relationship for most of my adult life.
So, this is where I fully out my mental health problems, buckle up this might take a while. I suffer from Generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), which is a disorder in which a normal worry to a normal person, to me is Debilitating. It also means that my body has a heighten reaction to stress and worry. I have very serve depression as well, that at its worst has left me house bound and struggling to get out of bed, wash or eat. coupled with this I have extreme phobias and suffer from panic and anxiety attack, that at one point I would have up to 15 a day and again left my unable leave the house. (I am agoraphobic). Then after being raped and nearly beaten to death, I started to suffer from Extreme PTSD, coupled with dissociative episodes. This is still very hard to talk about, but what I know is that it affected me to the point I made a good attempt at ending my life, but my darling kitten found me just in time. (love you baby x). I also suffer with quite bad dyslexia and AADD, both on the AS range.
Well I had been living with all that, well not living sort of existing. But then around 2 years ago something inside changed, I wanted to start living and enjoy my life again, but I needed to make some pretty big changes, but I knew with the help of my darling master I could do it. But I also need to us to use technics that I knew worked and were based in fact and logic. This is where people think I’ve lost the plot on stuff, but bear with me. I work as a dog trainer and behaviourist, I use techniques such classic and operant conditioning all the time. I know it works and it is based in since. It works, I have seen it work, so I decided to run with it! (Adding here that I had the help and support of my therapist on this)
So, we came up with to encourage better mood and motivation using +/- reinforcement. We also decide to tackle destructive thought patterns, that lead negative behaviours, such as putting, hiding my feelings, and self-harm, using +/- punishment. +/- reinforcement, and +/- punishment comes under the banner of operant conditioning and is based on the research of B.F Skinner. Basically, it is the concept that Good consequences encourage repeat behaviour and Bad consequences discourages repeat behaviour. Positive reinforcement, is adding something in to increase likelihood of a behaviour being repeated. Negative reinforcement is removing something to increase the likelihood of the behaviour being repeated. It’s the same with punishment, but instead of increasing the behaviour it decreases the likelihood of it being repeated. So, what the boss man did was got to make reward charts. One for everyday house hold / work stuff/ Homework, like answering emails, food shopping and Doing homework. I also had one for Personal care and D/s stuff. At the end of each day if I get sticker on each of my charts for getting all my ticks, I get a £1 in my Treat money box (it has UNICORNS on it) I can also earn extra stickers and £££ by being extra good, or brave or for doing stuff without being asked. Those stickers can be given to me by the boss man or Babe. At the end of the month I can open my tin and spend the money on whatever I want or carry on in to the next month for even big rewards at the end of the next month. if the is something Massively stressful going on or that is going to take a lot of time to get to, I get rewards along the way and a big goal reward. I should add here that for me rewards are not gifts or treats. A lot of the times they can hugs, item spent as a family, extra free time or not having adult for the rest of a day. For punishment for things like hiding stuff or self harm, I lose my free time and privileges. This does not be loss of time as a family or time with the boss man. If I need comfort or support from him or the girls and I actively ask for that help, I get rewards for that! For putting myself down (which is the biggest thing that the boss man wants me to change) I either get made to write a list of 20 things I like about myself or good stuff I’ve done. Or I have to buy small gifts for 5 friends, write down what I said and then write a list of 5 reasons I’m awesome. (Sir Beasty came up with that idea)
The next thing we started using was classic conditioning. This theory is…

We used this for My panic and anxiety attacks. The biggest thing we did, and this was my CPN’s idea, was trained one of my dogs as a phytologic support dog. She is very laid back and calm, which flitters down to me. she has also been trained to notice my triggers and pull me away from them. So, she is my calm, by having my calm with me I start to identify that having her with me meant I was safe in the places. Also having her with me I have learnt to enjoy new stuff, like being in a group situation or talking in public. We also taught me to have safe places go when I feel the start of an attack coming on.

The next thing we used was counter conditioning to Help me with my Phobias Counter conditioning is basically Changing the emotional response to feared stimulus. For me some of things I fear (Phobias) like being seen necked by a partner and eating in public. For the being naked I got calm gentle encouragement to remove clothes and got to see that the more I show, the more sexually excited the boss man got. For the eating in public started with a calm relaxed pixie, sitting with people calmly eating, then to me having a drink with people eating, and then finally me eating with them.

Then we used one of my favour tools ever! Premack, this is a principle that to get the good reward you must do the less rewarding this first. basically, eat your veggies and you get to have ice cream! This for me is a great motivator. We used It when I was finding it hard to leave the house. If I walked to the gym I got to have a cuddle and training session with Steve (my hot personal trainer) if I went to the super market I got have a hot milk and a ginger bread man. If I went to a hospital appointment I got to have a happy meal afterwards!

The next thing we worked on was breaking bad habits. You will be really shocked to know that I have habits that drive the boss man up the wall! Like leave my car keys on the kitchen table, not tidying away my Lego or colour stuff or hooking the dogs lead on the banisters, so with gentle polite reminds from the boss man and the girls I stop doing the bad habits and start to use the desired good habit. Hanging my keys up, putting things away when finished playing with them and hanging dogs leads in the porch. It is said that it takes 28 to create a habit, and 3 months for that habit to become a behaviour, and you know, for me at least it’s true!
The last big thing the Boss man got me to work on is something I don’t openly talk about, but he thought I needed to include it, as it is a huge part of who I am. So here goes. I’m dyslexic and due to this I find reading, writing, and understanding incredibly hard. I’m not stupid, very far from it. But it does mean that I struggle and find things like reading complex letters, filling in forms, or writing emails that make sense, hard. It also means that I find getting and staying organised hard. I also have a form Of ADHD known as anxious ADD. It basically means that when my anxiety or stress levels are high, my brain kind of seize up. I can’t function, I get angry and frustrated, I come across as rude or aggressive to people. It also means that I have trouble judging peoples tone and meaning, so I find communication hard. With both it means that I find sudden changes to my routine or things happing unexpected knock me for 6 and I will and do sort of shut down.
The biggest thing I must deal with this are rules, limits, structure, and routine. It makes me feel relaxed and safe. Babe has helped me to learn to plan things out, so the is less stress of not knowing what is going to happen when. I have a detailed diary and household planner. Being a creative person it’s all brightly coloured, with sparkles and stickers. Anything written in them in pen , happens no matter what. But if something is written in pencil, it can be rubbed out and does not have to happen. The only people who can write in these are Myself, the boss man and Babe. Although I tend to get little notes from little bear and kitten, saying Boobies or I love you. I also get time outs. I know it sounds a little tot and like I’m a child, but again it works for me. I have two type. One is for when everything gets too much, it is given by Babe or the Boss man. I get sent to my quiet space (aka the box room). With no tech, know talking and sit and calm down. Babe or the boss man will come and check on me 20 mins later, and if I’m calm or crying I get cuddles and can then carry on with my day. I then have time outs that I give myself if I feel panic coming on. I will politely ask to leave what every situation I’m in. I will get my iPod, a drink, and my book, find a safe quiet spot, and calm myself down, before I end up in full on panic. When I feel better I re-join the family and carry on like nothing has happened. But I also have my little space that I go to when I just can’t cope. I will ask the boss man if its ok to and he then sort of takes over thinking for me for a bit. It is the only time that I do 100 {df7bb8344c8fbc08004428db04482721bad042a20adaf6cb6f45d2148c3c353a} of what he says , without being able to ask questions. It normally involves activates I find calming, such Lego, colouring being read to or watching a Disney film. But it also involves lots of cuddles and reassuring words. The best bit is when I get sleepy and I get to take a nap with kitten!
So that is My/our take on behaviour modification, and how it has helped me. It’s a very personal take on it, but it is what works for me. I’m doing so much better than I was two years ago. I’m happy, steady, and doing things that I thought I was never going to be able to do again. It’s made my relationship with my Dom even more close and special. Its’s not for everyone, but it’s what works for this little pixie!

bdsm, Diary, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, Uncategorized

Dah da dah!

Good evening kinksters and nilias of the world!

So I have been a little bit on the poorly side again and had a blip on the depression front, but it is getting better! I was a really good girl and asked for help. the Boss Man and girls have been ace. i got give loads of help and the Boss Man has added in loads of stuff to support me! one of the things is a Blog challenge , as I did the 30 days of D/s and that helped massively with mood and structure in my everyday life! So he found 20 challenges, and ask Kitten to pick 5 and then asked girls to pick 1. Well then I ended up in hospital and Kitten and the girls had no idea which one to choose, so they asked Sir beasty to pick one. He was super cool and picked one for me! (fluffy breadie one is good!) So I will be staring that tomorrow! The boss man has also set me the task of writing a 2000 word story with in a month and I am starting that tomorrow as well!

This is my 30 day challenge …..

blog challenge!

I’m also going to make a super big effort to upload my Diary every Monday . I will also be finding a willing victims to do question times with the girls, cos we love doing it and also love asking questions and getting to know people! We are also thinking of doing a Sub problem page / agony aunt thing! So if you have a question , problem or want to be a victim hit us at pixieheartblog@hotmail.com .

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

bdsm, Poly life, Question time., socail, Uncategorized

Question time with maîtriser

So its been ages , right?!? again my health kind of got in the way, with low moods , Hospital and sofa days, but I’m now (touch wood) fixed up for a bit! So I have sat myself down with laptop and have started on all the Blog post I had planned, top of that list was Question time with maîtriser, So here it is!

1. Describe your kink self in 10 words? And the vanilla you in 10 words?! (Mouse) My kink self would be: Dominate, sadistic, passion, strong minded, care giver, protector, lover, friend. My vanilla self: Hard working, dead acted, fighter, strong willed, stubborn, fair, lover and friend. How did I know you would want words mouse?!
2. Top 5 kinks and why you like them? (kitten) 1) D/s. It seems to be something that sits well with my personality and speaks to my soul. 2) Sadism. I enjoy inflicting pain on willing partners. Mouse and Kitten talk of the high they get from feeling pain, well I get the same high from dishing it out! 3) Voyeurism. I’m an extremely visual person and watching people fucking, has been a kink for as long as can remember. So, having you 4 shows off minxes in my life is a blessing. 4) Bondage. I love the look off and the act of tying down a willing partner. It one of the ultimate forms of power exchange. 5)Fucking Outside or in risky places. Again, it’s a power exchange for me and, I get a high from the fact I could get court.
3. Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength? (Little Bear). I used to see crying as a weakness. But over the last few years I have switch my view around. I believe that this is down to little mouse. When she was in hospital after trying to hurt herself, she tried so hard to keep her feelings inside, but when she let go and cried, it took my breath away at how much strength it took. It was a relies that she needed, but at the same time she had to be almost vulnerable. Now I know when one of my girls need to cry and get the relief they need. Ha-ha, I even have the odd tear or two myself. (my wedding day, finding out mouse was pregnant and telling my mother she was going to be a grandmother)
4. Who or what is your nemesis? Carbs, red meat, and cheese! HAHA mouse has me on a daddy to be eating plan! Pretty eyes, shy smiles and good manner have also been my undoing many, many times as well! That is why I have you 4 in my life! (Babe)
5. Describe all of us in 5 words (for each of us) Babe, Beautiful, talented, Sexy, switch and friend. Kitten, Sweet, funny farce stunning and loyal. Little Bear, Little, cute funny silly and brat. Mouse, Shy, funny, brave, beautiful, my hero and home. (all)
6. Who inspires you the most and why? My mother. She has bought me up on my own. She is amazingly clever , worked unbelievable hard and pushed me to become the best me I could be. She is a professor , but never makes people feel bennet her. But above all she is my mother. I would say all you ladies inspire me a little too! On a work level, it would the likes of Babyface, Glenn Frey, Don Henley and Lemmy. For their song writing, music playing and producing skills! (Babe)
7. Where do you stand on punishment? Punishment needs to fit the crime! It should sting, make an impact, and leave a mark. IT should be done as soon after the break of a rule , never held over a sub and should always include aftercare. (Kitten)
8. What is the most sensible thing you have ever heard someone say? You ask that little one! No , it would be my Nona telling me ‘Do what makes you truly happy, love with your whole heart and trust your gut. She is a very wise old bird!(Little Bear)
9. What 5 events have had the biggest impact on who you are today? My first day at School, the day I lost my virginity, the day I parted with my first sub, my wedding day, and the day I found out I was going to be a father. (Mouse)
10. What is the most embarrassing, funny, and hottest sex you have ever had?!m (All) HAHA! Hottest was bending mouse over trunk of my car, spreading her legs and fucking her for everyone to see. That was a good punishment. Embarrassing, the whole piggy blow job, burst blood vessel and hospital run. Funny, well that is when Babe was drunk and started trying to Make me act as her sub! Everything she tried to get me to do I came back 10 times harder, and she woke up still tied to the kitchen table!
Other silly questions – Can we get a new puppy? Or a Unicorn? Can we be Disney princess for Halloween? Where is the key to the toybox? Why are we not allowed to have pop tarts for tea??
No, No, Yes, Babe has it and If I let Mouse or my little bear have that much sugar the world would end!

Hope you enjoyed it!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

bdsm, Girls kissing girls, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail, Uncategorized

Team Pixie needs you!

A few weeks ago the Boss Man gave ask the task of asking the big wide world of kinkster for questions, for us girls to answer. Well the girls and I got to thinking ( I know). We want to do a question time thing, but this time for the Boss Man and then for are lovely Sir Beasty! (more about him later) . We also thought it might be fun to do a question time with fellow Kinksters out there!

So this is where we need you! First up we need questions for the Boss Man and Sir Beasty, cos if it was just ask question that are in our heads, well what fun would that be! Then We are looking for willing victims, who fancy a good grilling from me and the girls! So if you have a question or want to volunteer drop us a line at pixieheartblog@hotmail.com . We will pay you in virtual hugs and kisses!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

Ps – I’m now on Facebook, come find me! Pixie’s Facebook

Girls kissing girls, musings of pixie heart., socail, Uncategorized

Second , first kiss…

As a young girl, I had seen first kisses in the black and white films I would sit a watch with my nana on a rainy Saturday afternoon. The would always be the beautiful woman, with her handsome beau, who swept her in to his waiting arms and soundly kissed, and then held her to his chest and rested his check against hers. The was always music with sweep strings and a gentle wood wind section, that would build with the passion of the kiss. That’s what I thought my first kiss was going to be like, 1940’s frock and hair, handsome older guy and passion.
So, when I finally got my first kiss with a boy at the tender age of 14, well I was in for a very rude awaking! It was so far from what I got. He was older than me by all of 2 months. He was spotty, with overly gelled hair and stunk of lynx deodorant. It was on a cold November lunch time, behind the school kitchen. The was no sweeping music as he grabbed my face, stuck his tongue in my mouth and tried to stick his hand inside my shirt. The thing that really put me off was him sticking his tongue so far down my throat that I gagged on it. After that I kind of gave up on the whole idea of kissing boys and anyhow 5 weeks after ‘the kiss’ I got kicked out of that school and sent to a PRU (I had been kicked out of 3 schools already).
‘My second ever proper kiss could not have been more different from the first. For starters, it was with a girl. See from a real young age I have known that I was attracted to both boys and girls. I also knew that I liked girlie girl, boobs, bums and curves. Long hair, dresses, and lipstick. The wonderful girl I shared my second, first kiss with was almost perfect, she had long blond hair and this whole Jo Whiley post grange look going on. She had curves and boobs, but also a quiet conference that I now know that I love in a partner. It happened in the garden of a friend’s house, after a long day of sunbathing and after a few drinks. We were sat talking and suddenly, she leant over and just kissed me, barely touching her lips to mine. I pulled back in shock and she backed off straight away and started to apologise for miss reading thing. I did know more than lean in to her, shush her and kiss her again this time harder, but still with a soft touch and lightness that had been missing in my first kiss. After a few seconds, I felt her tongue brush against lower lip and I opened my mouth to let the kiss deepen. I got lost in those long minutes of gentle passion and soft creases. But when I felt her finger touch the underside of my breast, I ember pulling back, letting out a whimper and her asking if it was ok. Was it ok?! Hell yes! We moved closer together and carried on kissing and groping over clothes for what seemed like hours, but then we heard footsteps and we sprang apart. It wasn’t the last kiss we shared and she was the first women I made love to, it did not last long a few weeks if that. She went off to uni and I had exams and life to deal with. But I will always ember my second first kiss, with a fondness, a blush, and a tighting in my tummy.

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

30 days of D/s, bdsm, Loving BDSM, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail, Uncategorized

Sub space and the drop after it!

So up today on Loving BDSM’s 30 days of D/s is , well i have in fact decided , well asked the boss man if it is ok to, cover 2 topics in one blog post! i know im a  little rebel right?!?! Its more the fact that Sunday i had major good news (more on that some other time) and i got the day off of being an adult yesterday! So i kind of got behind , well in my own little head and got panicky and anxtiy, so maîtriser said it was ok if we did these two topics together, cos he is lovely, fluffy and loves me! So me and the girls sat down and discussed this at breakfast this morning. (Fyi I totally had milk and cookies as part of my breakfast this morning!)

So Sub space, ahh what a place to be! I guess it’s different for all subs , for me it is not the high I get from a spanking or even from playing really hard. it’s more of a space I go in to when I get used to serve maîtriser or made to do stuff that shows how deeply submissive I can be. It’s also , for the high I get when maîtriser will just do stuff , without asking me first, like sex outside or pushing to my knees and making me go down on him. ( ok should say I have a very huge love of giving oral on both men and women, it is in fact something that I pride myself on! 😉 ) . For me , sub space Is my place I feel safe , loved and needed . It where I am allowed to be really happy and well just me. maîtriser said that when I get in that zone I go very docile and super subbie! (I want a cape and mask now!!!) . I do get a high off of pain , but that is not always a sexual thing . maîtriser will sometimes put me over his knee and give me a bloody good spanking, when I have had a day of really tough stuff to deal with, like dealing with my dad or if I have worked with in a rescue. it kind of relaxes me and at the end of it he wraps me up in his arms and I normally burst in to tears. I guess it is a kind of realise valve , that he has tapped in to and I’m so glad he has. I find some day-to-day stuff so hard to deal with. for a long time I had to be really strong , not break down and just keep going. It means that ,yeah I’m a bloody strong lady , but It also means that I will bottle things up and that fucked my mental health up big time! I also now have my little space too, which for is me where I go when I need to feel loved and safe . it’s where I go when I can’t deal with stuff and its kind of my way of say to maîtriser please can you deal with this for , it’s hurting me and I can’t deal with it right now. Like when my dad starts acting out or lashing out . He has illness that mean he his mental filters are sort of broken and he can be so mean and the things he says are so cruel and I get frightened he might hit me again.

The drop after Subspace?! Well yup of course I have felt that, I mean after every big high the is going to be a drop. You can’t stay high all the time , that’s not healthy. but the is an upside to coming down and that is aftercare! maîtriser is really good at this too! (sorry majorly lovey dovey right now, I think its being pregnant!) It ranges from curdles and kisses to hot milk and ginger -bread , to stories and nap, to baths and hair washes! ok I am so getting my butt kicked for this, but he is the Don of after care . Lol although Babe say’s his only got like that after I came on the scene!

Well that is me take on sub space and the drop after it! I will say sorry for being a little lovey dovey right now, I’m not normally like that , but well I guess the fact I’ve gone from unsettled and nerves all the time to being part of a poly family , married , babies on the way and very settled , is in fact what I really needed in my life!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

30 days of D/s, Loving BDSM, musings of pixie heart., socail, Uncategorized

I'm free! (Sexual Availability)

So last night in bed we decided to discus the latest topic we got from Loving BDSM’s  30 days of D/s which was sexual availability and how I/we feel about it. I felt that bed was the safest place for this chat, seeing as the topic of ‘Orgasm Control’ led to me sort of attacking little bear in the livingroom this afternoon for an hour, .ol. Bad pixie!

So yeah, in my contract with the Frenchman ii is sated that i am always to be available for him sexually and that he is allowed to use my body however he wants for his own pleasure. This i guess is not 100{df7bb8344c8fbc08004428db04482721bad042a20adaf6cb6f45d2148c3c353a} true , we have the unwritten rule that i can pout and ask for cuddles instead if i have my period. Sorry to say i just don’t feel sexy when I’m bleeding and in pain (PCOS and endro in the house!) But that doe not mean i wont drop to my knees or lend a hard when told to 😉

But for the best part , yeah I will let maîtriser do what he wants and when he wants and where he wants. It has taken a lot of trust and time for me to get that point though, I have for a lot of reasons got major issues round trust and it has taken a lot of bloody hard work with my therapy Doris , a lot of tears and a lot of courage to submit to someone again after what my ex did to me. I think the thing that has helped me the most is that in the time before are D/s and romantic relationship, maîtriser has always been a total gent and one of my best friends. Add to that the fact that over the last 2 1/2 years he has not once done something to breach the trust that i have in hm , you see its very easy to keep trusting him.

As I have said maîtriser seems to be able to pic the right time to make his move. It is a lush feeling knowing that I never really know when his going to do something. I mean at home he will come up behind me and play with my boobs and bite my neck, then spin me round , sit me on the counter and just fuck me. the are the times he comes home from work late from work and I get woken up by him grabbing my ankle and pulling me to him and making me blow his mind . The are the times that ill be putting the cloths away and I get hosted over his shoulder and thrown on the bed. I get like 30 seconds for my brain to write its self before I naked and fucking! (how do men mange to get a womans cloths off so quickly?). Some of the best times have been when we have been out and he decides I need to be reminded who is in charge. I love giving hand jobs in the cinema or theatre. The times I have been told to go to the ladies , remove my panties and give them to him when I get back. I just know his hand is going to inch up my thigh and his going to growl ‘open’. that those fingers will be diving in to my folds and with in mins I’ll be coming hard and trying not to let on! oh , one of the best times was a punishment for leaving the volume on my phone on full in the gym. (you do not ring in the gym) . We got out and he bent me over his car and just fucked me.

The is also the added bonus that my maîtriser is a very handsome guy! He is 6ft 2 , dark hair , beard , muscled and heavily tattooed . but he also has a calm and confident way that his got that women seem to love. He could have pretty much whoever he wants, but he wants me (and the girls). So yeah, I always free for his needs and wants, but he is the same for me, and that means so much to me!

Hugs ,

Pixie

30 days of D/s, Loving BDSM, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, Uncategorized

Orgasm Control

So todays , well yesterdays topic of discussion on Loving BDSM’s 30 days of D/s orgasm control. Now before I ramble about this to you let me paint a little picture for you,  we walked in to a little Mom & pop diner in NJ yesterday myself and the girls. Now we don’t have ‘Kinky fucker ‘ tattooed to are heads , but we don’t look like locals either! Think a kinky version of the Adam’s family. We sit down and ordered are drinks, but said we were waiting to order food till the last member of are party . Then we start to discuss Orgasm control, which we did quietly , well for us! but the funny looks, turned to opened mouthed stares when my fluffy , white-haired, 82-year-old Great Aunty May walks in , sits down and Says ‘So were talking about orgasms today then!’ I a rather load voice. (i honestly don’t think any of my family know the meaning of ‘hushed tones’). Thankfully , the diners owner was rather open-minded and when we explained what was going on and what we are , he gave us a free drink for being refreshing different and open.

So back to orgasm control , well yeah as with every thing we have are own take on it . The Boss man uses it as a form of punishment some times. He is very good at throwing you down on the bed, getting your hands tied to the bedstead and then goes down on you , but will bring you to the edge over and over, and when he is finally ready to let you come , well dear god does he know how to make you ‘Feel’ it ! Hmmm, see i have read that some people think if a Dom dives oral , it makes them less of a Dom. Well that to Me/us is very much not the case. The Boss man loves going down , i mean really loves it. It as he says ‘ is his favorite way of warming a lady up’ . But the is no doubt when his head is between my legs who is in charge. oh god the was the time that he got me in the car park , pushed me down and just went to work on me. (ok pixie keep your mind and hands on the keyboard missy)

He has also taken it on himself to school us girls in how to hold off from coming . For me it is kind of like finding a place in my head , where i can feel what is going on , but I’m slightly detached. I know now that my point of no return , comes just after when i feel the tighting in the pit of my tummy and when my thighs start to shack a little. i can also now use the same deep breathing that i have learnt to ward of a panic attack , to calm myself down and hold off coming. FYI – personally i find when anxious and at home, reading a favorite story or watching a favourite piece of porn and having a wank , is the single best way to calm myself down. Hell i come and full asleep in minuets. but then i think I’m pretty good at knowing how to pull back when i feel him about to blow. It’s at this point i feel i should share i LOVE giving oral on both men and women. I would even say i pride myself in my oral skills! (Big head i know)

One of the goals that the boss and i set for me in this last 3 months was to work on coming on command, again it’s come with me giving him more control over me. i think i have finally started to trust people again and feeling much more comfy in my own skin. But this has been really fucking hard to do, but we had fun working on it . Then i found out i was pregnant and things went out the window! It turns out the Boss man has gone really protective and is very proud of his handy work. my sex life has gone from hot to of the fucking chart! i mean not just wanting to fuck , make him and the girls come and masturbate. but i seem to sneeze and I’m horny. everything seems more sensitive and full on. Hell kitten decided to play with my boobs and nipples i was dripping and when babe got me on my hands an knees and went at me with a strap on, well all I’m saying was i screamed and we had to change the sheet!

Well that is my ramblings about ‘Orgasm control’. Lol i seem to of lost any control over myself , a  little just walked in and i seem to feel the need to make her scream a little….

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x

30 days of D/s, bdsm, Loving BDSM, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail, Uncategorized

Community.

Well yesterday our topic Loving Bdsm’s  30 days of D/s was Community and are thoughts and views on it. We spent yesterday going to doctors, Looking at houses and Had are weekly girls date in the evening, but really for us we had 4 hours free in the afternoon. So we set up camp in the family room, colouring book, snacks, chocolate milk and the little mermaid on dvd. Yup , I know not kinky, not sexy and just what we all need. Hell even aunty May came down with her knitting and the hound slept on the sofa , snoring and wagging in her sleep, It was utter bliss! But we did discuss are kinky community.

For Babe, Kitten and myself we all met are Frenchman on the fetish scene in London in the late 90’s or early 00’s , blimey that sounds so long ago! The girls were both sub’s to him , but I was just Kitten’s subbie sort of girlfriend , with crappy boyfriend wanna be Dom. The clubs to me at least sort of blow my mind a little , not in a bad way. it was just that the was so many things to see and do and take in. The Two clubs that stick out in my mind are the mighty router Garden and the Epic Club Rub. Two clubs that were very different, but both very amazing . To me Touter Garden was more of an action packed club , With load industrial music , bright colours and dancers and performers . The was also a great deal of play , but also I remember getting sore feet from the hours I spent dancing. It was and still is , to me the club of clubs. It has an edge and rawness that I loved and still do , but I have for now stopped going. Being pregnant and anxious does not lend it’s self to crowds and load music. Club Rub , well that to me was the club where you had fun, learnt stuff and made friends. Down stairs had awesome music and a dungeon , upstairs had tables and chairs , where people could sit round and catch up. The times I play in the doungen , well they were heaven , you got lost in what was happening and being down to your body , all the time people standing round watching. Rub was where I learnt about my love of ropes and being tied up. it is where I leant what friendship really means. But the scene on a whole also taught me so much. It was the first place I could be 100 {df7bb8344c8fbc08004428db04482721bad042a20adaf6cb6f45d2148c3c353a} myself , where i was not judge and where I learnt who I really am. (Highly Submissive , bi , poly super woman or batgirl , can never chose) .

Now on the whole I loved the time I spent on the scene and with people on it. But with any community the was a side that was less than attractive . I saw drug taking , however discreet. But unlike in a normal nightclub if people took too much or had drunk to much , instead of being kick out on the street and left to the mercy of the police . They would be ‘looked after’. Hell the where and still some amazing Dom who even if it’s not their sub or slave , who would step in and take charge. I sorry people in a very vulnerable state , treated with compassion and respect. I’m very proud to say that my Frenchie is on of them! The where also the people who took things to far or pushed to hard. I am sad I have seen a Dom with a bull whip , use it on a restrained sub who was crying and shaking . I know each Dom/sub relationship is different , but I personally think a dom should be able to read when they are pushing to hard. I think the aim is for a dom to make their sub look trusting and to enable them to make their don look Powerful and caring . Not to For Doms to look like a power-hungry A-hole! Again , sad to say I  was a sub who took to much from their dom (Not my Frenchman) . The other thing that I hate where the ‘Wanky men’ Who stood in the corner watching and wanking, without asking if they could watch and wank, I kind of feel that is a violation .

I kind of drifted away from the scene, what with working in a different country , working 110 + hour weeks and from embarrassment of having a twat of a partner. I kept in touch with Kitten and a few other people, but as things with my ex got worse I found it really hard to and a few friends walked  away as they had no idea how to help me. When things  sort of exploded a few years back how ever and I went mad for a while, it was Kitten , Babe and the Frenchie that came to my rescue. I have family problems at the best of time , but they suck big hair balls when I need looking after or help. after I got my self stronger , my head together a little and started to be part of our little family. I started to want to go back to clubs , but sadly they were full of bad memories and would mean panic attacks. So for now we don’t go. but I am think a less full on event like a munch might be something. We also have friends that we see in privet and have are adult sleep overs at home. They are trusted friends of old , who the Frenchman has made me get back in contact with. it was really hard at first , so much stuff happened with my ex, and the is part of me that thinks it was my fault or that people blamed me for the things that happened . they don’t and it wasn’t , happy to say the ones who matter are back in my life!

I have now discovered the wonderful online world full of kinky people who are , well amazing. They are caring , respectful and what I need right now! I decided last year I wanted to try my hand at blogging and writing kinky stories, but never thought I would be able to do it, but I think the online community has been so amazingly epic with the help , support and encouragement. but I also feel like I am making friends and have like mind people to talk to. Being poly is the most amazing thing, but the are times when I want so me time, and with the others not in to social media , well that is my little bit of me time!

So Community is amazing and everyone should have it , but for me , right now I need small and trusted family. I so want to be back in the kinky really world , but I’m not ready just yet!

Hugs,

Pixie x x x x