broken brained, family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life

Fessing up time – the bad behaviour of Pixie Heart.

So yesterday (Saturday )was a shitty day in this pixie pop’s head. I woke up feeling sick and giddy , with a very low mood and not really wanting to be around people. The day sort of just nosed dived from there really . I grumped at people, whined , stamped my feet and acted like a total brat. I refused desert at dinner and got stroppy when I was told to take a bath and go to bed early. So in the bath I got and had that ‘ahhhh’ moment , only for it to go away when I could not get in to the Loving BDSM munch. Me not thinking right, sort of went ‘ oh grate I have been blocked and everyone hates me’ (not the simply answer of they are having horrid on going tech problems) . But out of frustration, anxiety and a feeling of being totally lost, We this little pixie erupted to the vile monster I become when an anxiety attack hits me. I feel I need to mark the difference in a panic attack and and anxiety attack. Panic attacks are normally sudden , coming out of the blue and can normally end quickly, but not always . The are a lot of physical sides such as shacking , breathing heavily and feeling sick. Anxiety attacks build up over time and will normally have a different trigger. The are explosive, frightening and last a long time. They have a lot of the same physical effects of panic attacks and normally need medication to bring them under control. That may also lead to an extended depressive episode, psychotic break or a dissociative episode. Both are vile and any one who has them has my sympathy.

Anyway back to what I’m meant to be doing. I took meds, slept, woke feeling drained, tearful and repentant . I apologised to everyone I grumped at, but I also knew that the was going to be consequences for my actions, the always are and rightly so. The first part was / is to fess up and admit what I did and What rules I broke, so here we go…. (buckle up buckle up yell)

• I grumped at Maister , kitten , little bear ,babe and steve, when they offered help or support.

• I grumped at people online via email, twitter and DM , again this is very much not acceptable behaviour.

• I refused to let babe take Connie when she would not settle.

• I refused cuddles from kitten and snapped at her to leave me alone.

• I shouted at maîtser for moving knives in the kitchen without telling me. We do not use raised voices in this household and I do have the right to tell maîtser off.

• I did not tell maîtser how much weight I have lost, just that I lost weight. I know I should tell him as it can impact seriously on my health.

• I forgot to ask for sleep meds when I woke up crying in the night and refused cuddles to help calm me down.

• I scratched at the worry spot on my neck , behind my left ear and on my low back, making them bleed and open up. This is a form of self harm

• I have started swearing again. This is a basic rule break and I know very well how much Babe dislikes it.

• I put myself over 30 times a day for at least 5 days. Major problem and breaks at least 4 rules.

• Pushed myself to the point of physical and emotional exhaustion, but refused comfort form kitten and little bear.

• Skipped my nap time 4days in a row.

• Skipped my snacks, at least once a day for a week.

• Skipped a dentist and dermatologist appointment.

• Refused to take pain medication when needed .

• Refused to stay in bed when asked to rest.

• Back chatted and spoke out of turn to Babe 3 times.

• Sassed maîtser and grumped at him for telling me to take a nap

• I had things niggling on my mind, but let them fester, instead of talking to maîtser

.

So those are my crimes. It the first time ever that I have not thought hold up that’s not fair. I have been a right cow bag over the last month or so and I realise how grumpy and horrid I have been. So now for the rest of the punishment and this time maîtser has got all the Dom’s in my life to have some input in to it! As I said the first part is sitting down and writing down what I did and then listing the punishment I’m given. I put may not seem a huge thing to many people, but it is a very humbling thing to me. It is a way of showing I’m not perfect, I fuck up and the is always a price for those fuck ups. So the punishment safe as follows.

• Loss of all unsupervised free time for the next 2 weeks.

• Doctor and dentist appointments rebooked, attended , with aunt May.

• No back chat, sassing or grumping at anyone.

• No swearing what so ever. 10 for each swear word with Babes hair brush.

• Work outs 2 times a week with Steve, working on excretion , form and strength. For the next 4 weeks

• 30 mins of yoga a day, as set by babe . For the next 4 weeks.

• Swimming lessons weekly with maîtser, for the next 8 weeks.

• To drink 3 lt of water a day and to carry my water bottle at all times.

• To eat 2500 kl a day, everyday.

• To reach my 40000steps a week goal , but not exceeding it by more than 40000.

• To write for 60mins 3 times a day working towards a word goal of 10000 a week, for the next 6 weeks.

• One story for MM, kotw, and wicked Wednesday to be written and submitted over the next 6 weeks.

• Blog post to be written about why I brake rules and why I keep getting punishment for them.

• Blog post about the 5 Parts of my body I dislike the most and why I dislike them.

• Blog post about my top 5 phobias , why I have them and how they hold me back.

• To read and comment on 5 blog post a day for the next 6weeks. Turning the my top 3 in to a #SoSS post on a Saturday, for the next 6 weeks.

• Daily public affirmations to be done and blogged about.

• CNC is enforce for the next 6weeks, and covers affection from the girls and any PDA.

• To wear what I am told every day, no back chatting. For the next 6 weeks.

• To eat what I am told when I’m told for the next 6 weeks.

• 9.30pm bed time is in force for the next 6 weeks and a 10.30 lights out is in place.

So that’s my punishment and here’s hoping the next six weeks go without a hitch. But more than anything I hope I can do better and not let maîtser or myself down again.

Hugs,

Pixie x

bdsm, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Uncategorized, wicked wednesday

His voice. 

I hate working away from home. The 12-hour days spent setting up the class room, the question that I have had to answer a 1000 time before, then the packing away, only to come back and start all over in the morning. The worst part is the drive to the budget chain hotel, to my bland, generic room and a long evening of tv and myself deal with. But tonight is going a little better than most nights, as I have my darling kitten with me, we have permission to play and we have a call from maîtriser to look forward too!
We are under orders to be fed, bathed and in pj’s by the time he calls at 8 pm. So that’s how we come to be perched on the end of the bed, with Kittens phone between us, counting down the seconds till he rings weirdly it’s his voice I miss the most, after the way he feels when I cuddle him. It has the ability to make my do as I’m told one minute, to make me smile the next and wet and horny the next. It can calm, arouses and command all at the same time. His thick French accent, with a hint of Italian and your occasional slip of the tongue that tells of your time spent living in the west country.
Lost in a slight day dream I nearly jump out of my skin when kittens phone starts to blare out his ring tone of ‘all my friends’ By Dermot Kennedy starts to play. I think kitten must have been thinking the same as me, as her sacking hand reaches for the phone and she slide the lock screen and hits the answer button and then speaker. ‘Hello’ she says in a small voice that is very much her being shy and nervous.
Then comes his voice in a thick droll and steady as always, ‘Hello kitten, hello mouse, how are both my little ones? Have you been behaving? Have you been good girls for me?’ It’s with these word that I’m lost, I breath out a sigh I did not know I had been holding in. My shoulder hunch as I relax, letting all the stress of the day go and let the feeling of being safe and love, wash over me. God how I have missed him.
Kitten and I turn to face each other with the phone between us. sitting crossed legged on the bed, tucking feet underneath. We chatter away about what we have been doing and how are days have been. Having turned to face Kitten I feel a little distracted, but then I always do when it comes to Kitten. She is so damn beautiful it takes my breath away. Shifting a little, my knee bumps hers, I look up at her big brown eyes and blush. ‘So how did your course go little mouse?’ I hear coming from the phone, but It barely registers in my fuddled little brain.
‘hmmmm. Yes, what was that’. which is met with a shocked look on kitten’s face and stony silence from the other end of the line. Then clearing of his throat and ‘Mouse what did I just ask you?’. I panic and try I recall what he said, but I just can’t. I know not to umm or ahhh about thing or try to stall when asked something. So, I chose to fess up.
‘I don’t know, I was too busy looking at Kitten and thinking about doing stuff to her’. Blushing like flip and looking down at my lap. Again, I hear him clearing his throat and then a chuckles ‘what a sort of things mouse? Were they naughty things? Have they made you wet little one? Kitten be a good girl and check for me.’
She is up on her knees and moving towards in an instant. She pushes me back on the bed, her hand pulling my panties to the side, slipping inside, and plunging in to me. slowly running her cold finger up and down, then circling my clit. As quickly as she started her check, she abruptly removes finger, and brings it up to her mouth. ‘she is wet maîtriser, she smells yummy. please can I taste her maîtriser?’
‘As you asked so nicely, yes you may Kitten, but listen to me, I want to hear you make her moan and whipper, and then when I tell you Ruin her for me kitten. Do you understand? ‘ . I move myself up the bed, pulling me t-shirt off and hooking my thumbs in the waist band of my panties, dragging them down over my hips. Kitten is on her knees and curling up the bed towards me, the look in her eyes makes me whipper. I hear maîtriser chuckle and the sound of a zip being pulled down. Oh, dear god now I know what he’s doing at the other end of the line. I have blinding vision of him stroking his cock.
Next thing I know kitten is between my legs, having pulled my panties all the way off and tossing them on the floor. Maîtriser tells her to go slow, teasing, and gentle. His gentle tone is telling me to play with my nipple rings, to lose myself in the feeling and that I can stroke my kitten if I want. My eyes close and I just feel. her fingers, her tongue and the sound of maîtriser voice, its start to become a growl. His close, I can picture his hand moving faster and feel his grip become firmer.
Kitten has reached my clit and is lapping at it like her namesake. then I hear the words ‘Now kitten, make her come now!’ That’s when she sucks my clit between her teeth, biting lightly and pushing her tongue flat against my clit. I can’t keep it in any longer, I come undone, scream out her name and then all feel is bliss. I hear grunts coming and the throaty growl.
When I come down of the celling, when my breathing calms, I looked down and see kitten kneeled between my legs, a happy smile on her lips, then her tongue licks the moisture from her lips. A muffled noise breaks the silence. We sit up looking for kitten’s phone, that has become tangled up in the sheets and pillows.
‘that’s my good kitten, well done little one’ comes the voice on the other end. ‘Good girl mouse, you sound so beautiful when you come’ Smiling from ear to ear I roll on to my tummy and kiss kitten. I can taste myself on her lips. Then I hear ‘now mouse I want you to return the favour to kitten, and then I want you to turn the lights out and go to sleep, do you understand’
‘Yes maîtriser, we do.’ We say in unison. A reply of ‘good girls, Good night my sweet little ones’
‘Good night maîtriser, we love you’ we say. Then we hang up and I turn to kitten and promptly return the favour.

Wicked Wednesday

bdsm

Me and my kinks

 

Well this is sort of homework set by the Frenchman, cos I have nothing much to do and if I get left to my own devices, well that’s when I get in to trouble! When I say trouble, I really mean that I have a naughty habit of sitting and listening to the voice in my head, when it tells me I’m stupid or not good enough for maîtriser. (ok does that make me sound like a fruit loop or what?!) So, he has asked me to sit down, think and write a list of my kinks, so here goes….

Men – Well yes, I like men, must do I married one! Lol. But I do have a ‘type’, that I always go for. Older and Dom, again you would never have guessed, right! My Frenchman is 53 and every inch a Dom. But I also love ‘REAL’ men, in fact I avoid the type that take longer to get ready than me for a night out.  Tattoos, beards, and muscles, that could throw you over their shoulder and march off to the bedroom with you.  Clever, good with words and their hands, and funny. But they must make me feel safe, loved and desired too! Oh, and kinky as hell too, please!

Women – Again, you would never have guessed, right? But again, I have a type or types that I go for. Either – Dom, Self-confident, Commanding and Lady like. or – Sub, obedient, soft, and ladylike. Both with curves. long hair, nice eyes, and gentle smiles. Also, I LOVE tattoos and piercings!

D/s – Again, like really?! Maîtriser says I am a natural submissive. I hate being in charge, always have. I love being a housewife, and taking care of the boss man and the girls is something I take great pride in. Having my rules, discipline and punishments makes me feel whole, loved and safe. Don’t get me wrong I will bloody well stand up for myself and I have a very feisty Irish side too me, but maîtres seem to tame that, with his own blend of strict Dom and loving husband. (aww, I love saying that.) I don’t do humiliation, being spoken down to or being micro managed either, I have a brain and very much like being pushed to use it!

Pain – hmmm, this one is a Biggy for me. I kind of brake pain in to 3 main types. The ones I hate like tooth ache, female pains, and paddles (I bloody hate them!). The type that hurts, but you know it is doing you good like, yoga, Pilates, and the weight section of my personal training. Then you have the nice pain, the pain I get a high off and that makes me fucking horny. I guess I’m what a lot of would call a ‘Pain Slut’. Personally, I prefer the term pain enthusiast! But it has taken a lot for me to trust someone enough to open and to let them inflect pain on me. that is why I feel so blessed to have maîtres and the girls in my life. (puke I know, sorry!)

Bondage – Again for me, it has taken a lot to allow someone to see this side of me and for to trust them to do this to me. But now, I love it! Really love silk ropes, cuffs, and chains. I’m in to bondage tape or rope that is going to leave marks or irritate my skin. I don’t like anything that is to constrictive or breath play, but that is due to my anxiety disorder, not because I think it’s odd, it’s just not something I want to try.

Being Flogged, cropped or spanked – Ahh , nice pain! I just love everything about this. Being bent over masteries knee and getting a good spanking before sex, huge turn on! Riding crops on my nipples or my clit are delicious! Heaven to me is being tied to a cross, preferably with an audience and maîtres or one of the mistresses I’m allowed to sub to, just going at me with a flogger, it’s lush! It also happens to be the number one reason that I come without punishment, Oppsss my bad!

Being watched – I have a massive Exhibitionist streak! Whether it is being watched while maîtres fucks me, while I and the girls play together or while I playing with myself, I just really get off on knowing that someone is watching. Maîtres has a huge Voyeuristic streak, his idea of heaven is sitting in a chair at the side of the room, telling a Switch male what to do and when to do it to his girls, and me being such an exhibitionist, well we kind of feed of each other! It’s one of our favourite things to do!

PDA and Risky sex – Ok so this is a little bit of my exhibitionist side showing through again, but its more idea of getting court I get a kick out of. This ranges from holding hands, kissing, groping, hand jobs, to finding a quiet corner in which to fuck. Part of it is knowing that I have given maîtres the right to do pretty much what he wants to me when he wants, part is my love of being watched and part is the fact that I know he loves it when I want to misbehave in public! If I get horny when we are out, I have a sign, to tell maîtres that I need a little relief. so, if I put my hand flat on his tummy, he will find a quiet spot and takes care of his little mouse!

Leather – I have always loved the smell and feel of real leather. most of my collars and cuffs made from soft calf’s leather, I love how it feels on my skin, the way it moves and the noise that it makes when master pulls my cuffs tight!

Role play – So I have always loved make believe, from an early age, but in my teens, it became more than games, I realised I got a sexual thrill from it.  So, it came as no big surprise when I start to bringing role play in to the bedroom. Current favourites are naughty school girl, secretary getting punished by her boss in an office or being seduced by a man in uniform. I also love being a naughty fairy  or one of the female members of the suicide squad, with the girls , but we always get stroppy over who gets to be  harlie quin!

Corsets – I love the way that the female form looks in them and I love the way I look in them. They make me feel sexy, feminine and controlled! I have quit a big collection of them at home, but having lost a fair bit of weight over the last 2 years, most no longer fit. I really should find a good home for them, but it’s kind of hard to let them go!

Collars – I simply love, love love my collars! I have 3 types of collars. I have my everyday collar, that is a silver chain, with 2 small o rings joined together. Then I have my bedroom or sleep collars, they are simple ribbon collars in either pink or purple. Then I have my club or play collars, these are slightly fancy ones made of leather, in pink or purple and most of them have small studs or tiny spikes on them. (so, people get the picture that, yes, I am a sub, but no one touches me without asking me first or maîtres). I also have tags for my collars made of silver, with mouse on them! Come to think of it I have a lot of leather and chain leads too! The only person who can take my collar of or changed my collar is maîtres (or me in a medical emergency!)

Other ones, In brief ….

Biting or being bitten – Huge turn on, makes me very submissive and if Maîtriser bites my neck, well it means bend over, nickers down and that I’m going to get fucked, good, and hard!.

Rough Sex – throw me on the bed, man handle me and just take what you want.

Serving – Being told what to do and pleasing maîtres every whim. Just heaven!

Giving oral sex – Something that I take great pride in, love doing and that makes me horny!

Little me – Something that we are exploring as a family. It turns out I really like maîtres looking after me, being treated like a girl, and cuddling! (shocking, to everyone who really knows me, as I’m a right tomboy!)

Hands – People using their hands on me or me using my hands on them, I just melt! I am the queen of hand jobs! Also, the is something very sexy about a rough, strong pair of skilled hands!

Group sex / play – The more the merrier!

Sense depravation – Blindfold, gag, headphones and tied up, is so thrilling!

Anal sex – Just love it!

Toys – Well, come on every sub should have a toy box, right?

Porn – Delicious and inspiring!

Erotica – Love a good bed time story! 😉

Well that’s most of them, but a few I’ll keep to myself, for now!

Love and Hugs,

Pixie