Eroticon, family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail

Where in the world is Pixie Heart?

So, I have been posting and been around, but not really been ‘Around ‘of late. By that I mean I have been a little distant, a little distracted and felt a little bit outside of things. It’s not the nicest of feelings in the world, hell it’s horrid, but it has been kind of unavoidable really.

Why? I hear you cry. Well for one I have been rushed off my feet getting ready for Crufts. I’m not only working and teaching at the event this year, but all my dogs are there too. Don’t get me wrong it will be amazing, it is amazing every year, but it’s a planning and logistical nightmare. My boss has been epicly helpful and said that the babies can work on the stand. Basically, they are going to be strapped to different people in their carries and used to itemise people to come say hello. Which they are going to love as they love having chats and meeting people!

Then we come to the Elephants in the room. The big nasty that is Cancer has struck my family. My Uncle Keith had been struggling with chest infections and breathing difficulties for the last couple of months and his GP finally sent him for a chest x-ray. It sadly showed that he had tumours on his lungs. Well after scans and biopsies, it turns that the is nothing that can be done. It is a very aggressive cancer, it has spread, and he has a matter of months left. Then the is my mother’s cancer. We had thought she was going to beat it, but sadly not. The treatment is not working, the is nothing else that will work, and she has 3 to 6 months left. Now I may seem a little like I don’t really care about the fact they are both going to die. I do, I care very much, but I don’t see the point in sitting round wailing over it. Cancer is a bastered of an illness, it has taken a lot of people I love. It kills people slowly and painful. The best thing I can do is stay strong, keep going and be there when people need me. I have a life and people who need me to keep going, not crumble in to a ball and give up.

I have a lot of good things in pipe line. For all the stress it brings I am looking forward to crufts. I get to see my friends and shop for my dogs! Then the is Eroticon the weekend after. Lol I’m treating it as a holiday. No husband, babies, dogs, or house work for a weekend, in London, on my own! Truthfully, I’m terrified, but I’m going if it kills me. It will be good for me on so many levels, I just have keep moving the worry and doubts I have about myself and my abilities. Lol the Boss man said if I get through it on my own I get 20 reward stickers. The 5 days leading up to Eroticon I am teaching secturely dog handlers. which is always fun!

The changes I made with the help of the boss man at the start of the year have finally started to make them selves know so to speak. I’m happier and less stressed. I’m sleeping better and coping with some of the crap that life throws at me. my health, is getting better and I’ve stopped freaking out if I get a sniffle or cough. My writing schedule is working amazingly well and I’m making time to write more than I thought I would. It is amazing that by giving the boss man more control and having a heap more structure in my day, how much happier it makes me and the more settled I become. I had some say recently that they don’t know how I cope with being in something that is so high protocol and that the rules I have are too restrictive for me to feel truly happy. but it is in fact the other way around for me. Without the protocols, rule, and structure, I feel lost, anxious, and deeply unhappy. What I have would not work for may people, but it does work for me.

Well that turned in to a rant rumble, but hay hum!

Pixie x

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail, Uncategorized

Me and my Collar.

Me and my Collar.
Collar within the BDSM and D/s scene can have many different meanings. From Protection and safety, to ownership and control, to love a devotion. They can be worn all the time, only when playing and sometimes only when with a the dominate. They can be a simple chain necklace, or a fancy ribbon collar to a more traditional leather buckle collar.

I am admittedly a little bit of a collar addict, as I love that I can have a different look or style of collar for different occasions. But I have 3 main types of collar I wear. Firstly, I have my day collar, that is worn most of the time. It is a simple silver chain that is joined in the front with a large sliver O-ring and a smaller silver on ring. The large O-ring represents Maîtriser and the smaller one is me, the are linked together like we are. I’m not allowed to take this off, unless it is a medical emergency. Next are what we call ‘Bedroom collars’. They are the ones I sleep in and wear if we are playing in the bedroom. They are simple ribbon and webbing collars that have a d-ring at the from and to larger ones at the back, that are used to close the collar, either with ribbon or a padlock. Maîtriser or Babe will change my day collar to my bedroom collar at bedtime and then back to my day collar when I get up in the morning. Lastly, I have my play collars. These are leather buckle collars. They are worn when ever we are playing outside the bed room, go to clubs, are around other kink friendly or when Maîtriser says he wants me to wear on. They all have locking buckles so one of my heart padlocks locks me in to them. The is a d-ring at the front that has one of my tags on it. My tags simply read Mouse, my pet name from Maîtriser. They don’t have owned or property of on them, as Maîtriser says he like people to know that I’m his willing submissive and that it was 100% my choice. 3 of my leather collars have spikes on then, this is my way of saying ‘yep I’ll talk to you but touch me without mine and maîtriser permission and I’ll bite!’ I also have a collection of charms and bells that I lave for my bedroom and play collar. The charms are to sort of change the look for my mood. The bells are for when I get in a strop and start stomping round. I get told to not make the bells jangle and in doing that calms me down. Although I do love the jingle it makes when I get fucked hard!

I have a few rules around my collars as well. They are:
• The only people allowed to change my collar are Maîtriser, Babe or Sir Beasty.
• I’m allowed to remove my collar if I must have treatment, scans, or medical emergency.
• I’m allowed to choose what collar, tag, charms, or bells I want to wear on my collar, but maîtriser must ok my choice and but the collar around my neck.
• I must not allow people to touch my collar without asking me and maîtriser first.
• When I’m having my collar changed I am to kneel and hold my hair out of the way.
• I can have an agree upon other change my collar or help me change my collar if maîtriser or babe are not with me.

My collar/s mean a lot of things to me. The are a sign of my submission, that I have a Dom and belong to him. It’s a sign that I am loved, protected, and cared for. It is some thing that brings me great joy and a sense of pride in myself. It makes me believe I am strong and that I am safe to be who I am. It is something that brings me a sense of calm and peace, and I draw strength from it. Lol my boss, who is kink friendly and knows I’m collared says, he can see how much my collar having has help me and how much it means to me. by the fact that when I stand up to teach or give a speech my hand goes straight to my collar.

Well that is little bit about my collars and what they mean to me. hope you enjoyed it!
Pixie x

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Poly life, socail

Protectors, guides, and mentors.

So, a few months ago kink craft had an article and podcast about protectors and their role with in the kink community. (John brownstone and Kayla Lords were guest on the podcast). It was a great article and had excellent points. It got me thinking about my own experiences of ‘Protectors’ and wanting to know other options of them I asked on Twitte what others thought of them. Well that was opening a big old can of worms!

People have a lot of very strong opinions of them, both good and bad. The general opinion was that most people who offer to act as ‘Protectors’, are in fact abusive predators and should be avoided like the plague. That some responsibility needs to newbies in doing their own research and being as prepared as they can be. That ‘protectors’ have more of a mentor role. That Doms and Subs new to the kink scene Could use a Mentor or a guide. And above all, always stay ‘Sane. Safe and Consensual’.
I personally hate the term protector or protection. Those terms making me think of the mafia or a brand of condoms. However, I do think that the is a place of protectors in the kink world. Hell, I don’t just think it, I see it as the responsibility of people how have been in the life style for a while to keep an eye on newbies and stand up to people who are likely to course harm to them.

Thankfully the kink scene has a few awesome people who do keep an eye on newbies and keep the A-holes at bay.
My first personal taste of a protector was when I met kitten and she took me to my very first fetish club. I was only 18 and at the time very vulnerable. It was that night that she introduces me to her Dom, a fresh faced 34-year-old boss man. (aww I forgot he was that young once). He sat and chatted to me, pointing out things and explaining stuff. He also introduced me to all the trustworthy and friendly people and pointed out the people who I should avoided like the plague.

We as a family have from time to time acted as a sort of guide to newbies. Showing people around, introducing them to people, explaining term and etiquette. Also pointing the A-holes and wirdos. (I have a picture of sir Beasty going ‘WIRDOs’ and ROTFLMAO’)

Us girls also acted as what I guess you would call mentors, but I would call it more of a friend and being open and approachable. We have all been around and active in kink, on some level for a lot of years. (Babe has been for 21 years, but I’m not saying she is old, just mature, and sexy as hell). We will take newbie subs under are wing, answering questions, explaining things, sharing safe and informative rescores and inviting them to come to events with us. The Boss Man has also acted as a mentor many times. He first got in to kink and BDSM when he was 22 and is 53 now. (his sexy as hell though). He does pretty much the same as we do but will also teach or show them how to use floggers and canes and the like.

Now I’m going to share the reason babe actively act as a mentor / protector. On a night out in a club in London in early 2006 the was a newbie male sub, who was trying to get in with the hardcore mistresses who put on a great show and had these amazing sub, who were willing to do anything. Well to cut a long story short this poor guy took GHB and went on to have a bad reaction, now that is bad part. The good part was a very well known at respected female Dom saw what had happened, had her 2-male sub to calmly move him to the side, then took it on her shoulders to take care of this poor guy. Make sure someone sat with him, made him drink water, got him food, kept him warm and went as far as making sure he got home and that the was someone sober stayed with him till he was sober. It really impacts on babe in a big way. I think it is one of the ways that make Babe the way she is as a Dom.

I’m going to say here that as a family we believe that if People in the BDSM, kinky and fetish Scenes want to be seen in a positive manner, they sold act and play in a responsible, none judgemental way. So why would they not wanted support and encourage new people and offer them protection.

As with anything in are little family we do things a little differently, cos we are us. Maîtriser always says that our safety and well being is the most important thing in the world to him. But the are 4 of us at home and he only has one set of arms and one set of eyes. So, we have rule and regs to keep us safe and to give him peace of mind. Are rules being: No going out after 10pm on our own. No going to pubs or clubs on are own. If 3 of us are drinking, 1 of us must stay sober. No playing in clubs with out babe with us. If in doubt, ask yourself What Would Babe do. (WWBD)

We also have a list of real world and online friends that act as sort of protectors for me and the girls. They are known as ‘pre-agreed others’ and are listed at the back of are contracts we have with maîtriser. The are there to keep an eye on us, but we can also turn to them for advice and guidance if we need it. This was added to are rules, not because he does not trust us. But we have had issues with other people in the past and we all wanted to feel as safe as we can be. The list is full of people that us girls and maîtriser feel we can trust totally

For me the whole safety thing has been huge part of my recovery from Domestic violence and has helped me to rebuild my life. I sometimes think people might see it as me going from one controlled relationship to an even more controlling relationship. But 80% of my rules are there at my asking. They are there to make me feel safe, and thus keeping me happy and healthy. Some of my rules: Who I can and can’t talk to. The amount of contact I have with my family. Social media, email and phone checked when ever maîtriser asks and that my blog is co by Sir Beasty. I asked for these as when I get sick I ide things and with these in place, the slightest sign that I’m getting sick, the boss man will step in and stop it getting worse.

So that is My thoughts and take on things. What works for me and the family, may not work for you, but it works for us. What I will say is you should always do your research, take your time to think, don’t rush. Stay sane, safe, and consensual. be careful who you trust. If something feels wrong in your gut, trust it, and remove yourself the situation. But above all safety first!

Poly life, socail

Pixie’s 3-month challenge – Big Reward.

Pixie’s 3-month challenge – Big Reward.
So, I was trolling around Etsy looking for a birthday present for my sister, when I stumbled on the most beautiful folio case that I have ever seen. It comes in lots of pretty bright colour leathers, with stunning linings and it can be personalised with a name or stamp. I have fallen in love with it, but it cost a lot of pennies. The boss man said I could get it as a treat, but I don’t like just getting presents with out earning them. I mean I get a lot of treats and I am a spoilt little madam (: But I still like working for them and I love having goals to work towards. So, I asked for a challenge and him being my wonderful, darling frog rose to the challenge, with the help Babe. It’s loads of little tasks and gaols, for me to work towards and achieved. So, I’m sharing it with you!

Blog:
o Blog 3 times a week, every week.
o Take part in Masturbation Monday, Wicked Wednesday and KOTW once a month.
o Blog followers up 100.
o Schedule Question time for every Tuesday and a post of your choice every Thursday, at least a week in advance.

Writing:
o Write and pitch at least 10 blog post ideas over the course of next 3 months.
o Write the first part of ‘Alice’ Story series.
o Start at least one collaboration.
o English classes Tuesday and Saturday mornings.

Personal:
o Start back at the gym twice a week with Steve.
o Eating 1500 kl a day.
o Drinking 3L of water a day.
o Blood sugars Average 6.
o Course ideas Pitched
o No punishment for putting myself down, talking back or self-harm (scratching or picking)
o Attend Eroticon and Crufts.

So that is my challenge, watch this space!
Hugs,
Pixie x

From the heart, Letters from the heart.

Letters from Maîtriser….

Maîtriser Loves setting me little tasks and jobs from time to time. They can be pretty much anything, from a fact-finding mission, to edging, to planning a special dinner for one of the girls or going and doing something new that is well out side my comfort zone. I adore doing things like that, truly I do. But sometimes they can push me a little too far and hard. Then I must stop and ask if we can ‘tweak’ them or if I can have help doing them. When this happened in the past I would beat myself up and think I was failing and letting him down. Maîtriser would tell me no, you’re not failing, over and over. But for me it was hard to take what he was saying on board, to trust it and believe it. Abuse and bulling in my past had left their mark not just on my body, but on my mind as well. So, he looked for ways to let me know he really did mean it. He knew that I have a love of letters and the written word, so he sat down and wrote me a letter. It was not long or full of declarations of his undying love. No, it was simple, to the point and straightforward. But it meant the world and did the job. I think it meant so much, as he took time out to write down his thoughts in way that made it clear to me that I was enough. It was also something that I could keep and look at every time I felt like I was failing, and I still do. I look at it and I’m filled with a warm mushy glow, a feeling that I’m doing a good job and that I’m enough. This is a copy of the letter, I’ve translated in to English, as he also makes a huge effort to write in Gaelic.

Dearest Little Mouse,
I want to say how proud of you I am, you have done such a good job of sorting out things at home and the way you have handled the changes has blown me away. Little one I know how hard it has been, and it means so much that you asked me to help you with them.
What does make me sad is that you think I’m cross at you for asking for help. Why would that make me sad or cross little one? Is it not one of your rules to speak up and ask to change task or alter them if they are upsetting you or if you are struggling with them? The Same goes for asking for help, I know it is so hard for you to ask for help. For to long you had to things by yourself and bare louds that were too heavy for one person to bare on their own.

The fact is it makes me prouder that spoke up and came to me for help. IT does not make you weak or less of a person for doing that. In fact, knowing how hard it was for you do that and you being a good girl and following your rules, well that take a lot of strength my darling, so much strength. You did with your head held high, not a sign of fear or shame. So why are you beating yourself up now my little mouse?
If anyone should be beating them self-up for anything, it should be me. For putting to much at once on your shoulders and not seeing yours were struggling. So, stop be mean to yourself and be proud of what you have done and just how far you have come.
And Mouse remember, your enough, your loved and you are mine.
All my love, always and forever,
Maîtriser

This is why I love him so much!

Hugs,
Pixie x

From the heart, musings of pixie heart., socail

A year in the writing.

A year in the writing.
Last week my blog turned a year old! Most people who blog seem to do a giveaway or celebrate big time. Well with things being a bit rough over the last few weeks, I sort of for got about it. Maîtriser and the girls didn’t forget about it. I got loads of little presents form the girls and Maîtriser let me cook a big family dinner, with chocolate rice pudding for afters. But I’m still a little bummed that I did not really mark it, I mean it for me has been a big step and huge achievement for so many reasons. It has meant that I have been able to share my thoughts, get things out of my head and breath. It started out with me wanting to share goes on in my family in a positive light, but it quickly became so much more. I found that I like writing and I love the fact I can be creative in ways I never thought I could be. It has gone from being something I enjoyed doing, to something that I feel I need and want to do more of. I have made friends, ginned confidence and no longer feel like I need to hide who I really am.
I have also learned stuff about writing that I simply had no idea about. I mean dear god where was I when other people were learning about this grammar and punctuation crap? Sentence have rules and regulation? Proud to say that my spelling is better, I turn my grammar and spell check on now and I write in English now. Making a whole lot easier to post things that make sense to the public. Believe me writing in Gaelic and then translating it in to English is a pain in the bum, and not I a good way! But I’m going to share the things that I have learnt that have had the biggest impact on my writing.
Consistency is the key – I have gone from having no writing routine at all, to make myself sit down and write for an hour a day, to the point now that it is not a task but a habit. I have turned the box room in to a writing space, quiet, still, and warm. My little space to sit and write. I have also found that making myself blog at least once a week has help me fight some pretty harsh demon, that seem to like dancing on my self-esteem a lot. But it also keeps me connected to people and the outside world.
Edit like you mean it – looking back now over early blog posts I am shocked at how bad my spelling was and how badly edited they are. I have started for bigger pieces started using and editor (Aedan O’Healy). His got me doing Self editing thing that means I read it, reread it, and read, then post it. So now my work looks heaps more professional!
Plan, plan and plan some more – Ok so I am in my Realtime life a habitual planner. I love sitting down with a planner and getting things in order. I find it calming and helpful with my day to day life. But planning out something I’m going to write is so helpful and keeps me on track with what I’m writing. It has curbed my waffling and rambling, leading to me writing faster and with less fluff that was not needed.
Connect with other bloggers and readers – the sex blogging community, for the most part is amazing, and I love them. They have been a source of inspiration and encouragement. As have people who read my blog, I find it hard to get my head round the fact that people give a crap about what I write. I really do feel blessed to now have so many epic friends in my life!
Memes, Such fun! – So, the are loads of super fun kinky writing memes out there, Masturbation Monday, Kink of the week and Wicked Wednesday. They are great fun to take part in, et the creative juices flowing and inspire some Smutty writing! They have also got me thinking out side the box, working to limits and sticking to a dead line!
Find your spot, be unique and be yourself – So the biggest thing I have learned, is that I have a spot in the blogging world, that I am in lots of ways unique and that people like me when I’m just me! I can inspirer to be like people and like what they do, but I can’t be them and that is ok, cos they can’t be me either!
So that is what I have found after a year of blogging, shall we see where the next year takes us?

Hugs,
Pixie x

family update, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., socail

The people in my life.

The people in my life.
For anyone who follows me on twitter or my blog will have heard me talk about the people in my life and how much they mean to me. They are what keeps me going at times and are by enlarge what makes me who I am. I have written a little about them in the past, but never any real detail and I feel I should, I mean it feels rude not to really, they are simply to rade not too!

Maîtriser/ Boss man/ Tony: My Dom and Husband, he is also my Care-giver / Big and the sadist, to my masochist side. He has been my Dom for almost 5 years and we have been a couple for 4 and half years (long story). We have been married for just over a year and have 2 tiny twin daughters, Connie, and Evie. He is big, rough around the edges and a Gentleman. His tough kick boxing diamond, who has a hidden softer side. Clever, Funny, witty, and talented guy, who has a bad habit of sing Justine Bieber. (are little girls light up if JB comes on the radio). Best father and husband in the world in my eye and my hero.
Babe: Switch/ maîtriser second. Strong, practical, down to earth. Beautifully than words, Very clever and extremely funny. She is my Female Dom, who I do everything she tells me the first time, without fail. She is the meaning of the word sadists and Queen of ropes! She is possibly the bravest person I now, she will call maîtriser out if she thinks he is being to harsh or is wrong (yes, Doms can be wrong sometimes). Some people would say she is moody and rude, but she just does not do BS and calls a spade a spade.
Kitten: My best and oldest friend in the whole flipping world. Strong, funny, sweet, and incredibly talented. She is stunningly beautiful and sexy as hell, even if she does not believe it. She is the family peace maker, she is the person I turn to when I don’t know how I feel or don’t understand what is happening. She has a way of calming down, when I don’t know why I’m angry. She is my partner in crime, tag-team Buddy, and my nap time mate. I Love my Kitten.
Little Bear: The family’s Little/ Brat. Super cute, sweetheart, funny and possibly a little crazy. She brings out my protective and maternal side. Prone to bouts sulking and extrema brattiness. Obsessed with anything pink, purple, fluffy or sparkling. She has Daddy/ Faience as well as the boss man. She is also sort of the family social director and party planner. She is my chef snuggle bunny and little-space buddy!
Emit: One of my oldest and best friends. He a wardrobe master, working in New York. Someone I have and always want to know. We have both gone through and fought back from Domestic abuse. A dresser in a theatre. Smart, funny, charming, and cute as a button. He is my subbie shopping partner and my chef cheer leader!
Sir Beasty / Aedan O’Healy: Friend and protector. Tough guy with a squishy fluffy side. Witty, clever and has a way with words.one of very few people I trust 100%. My editor, sounding board and giver of advice. We trade friendly insult, cheeky banter and reminisce about Ireland. He has written permissions to tell me to hush, stop sassing and to behave. He has a really weird way of knowing what I’m thinking before I do!
Big Steve: The big tough guy in my life! (his 6ft 5). But is a total sweet heart who make me smile and never has a bad word to say about anyone! He is our personal trainer and he can push us as hard as he wants to and is even allowed to set punishments if we misbehave. (the worst I’ve ever got is legs and arms in the same day). but he is also the one who can get me to open and to make me cry when I get really stressed and need some relief. Top hugger ever!

Masturbation Monday, musings of pixie heart., socail, Uncategorized

Caught in the act – Part 2.

Second part to Caught be the act… (part 1)

My eyes lock with Conner’s for a couple of seconds before I can shake myself out of my daydream. realising I’m nearly naked in front of my house mate, with a boob out and my hand in my panties, I immediately blush from head to toe. Picking up the Tv remote, I fling at his head. Sitting up straight, I make a bolt for the safety of my bedroom. Shouting “get out Conner “as I go. Not stopping till I reach my room and the door is closed and locked behind me.
Then the is gentle knocking at the door and Conner’s voice say “Come on Jo, we need to talk about this. I get in my bed, hiding under the covers, holding a pillow over my head trying to block out the tapping at my door and Conner’s pleading for me to come out and talk to him. “Jo don’t be a twit, come on let’s just talk about it! I sit up, with a humph. “please just Go away Conner’ I get out, through the shame filled tears that have started full.
After he finally leaves, I creep out and turn the tv off, grabbing some snacks and then decided to hide in m bedroom for the rest of the weekend, in case he comes back wanting to ‘talk’ Saturday pass with me only leaving my room only to pee or get food and drink. Sunday pass the same, with the add extra of a very quick shower, cos I was staring to smell. Sometime after 11pm I wake up with a growling stomach and raging thirst. I slowly open my bedroom door and peek out to see if the is any sign of Conner. Then I creep down the hall, past his door and in to the kitchen, glad to of made it and glad his not back from his trip.
Then just as I round the corner in to the lounge, I walk straight in to the solid wall of naked muscle that is Conner’s chest. Smacking in to it, I quickly step back with a slight wobble, that Conner corrects with his strong arms gripping my forearms. I look up to say thanks and he can let go now. Only to be told to shush and listen.
“Jo it’s totally naturel you know, everyone does it. “He says in a calm steady tone.
“what You have been caught pleasuring yourself on the sofa by your house mate have you” I shoot back at him” my mortification complete.
“well no, but then I always go some place privet to pleasure myself” he says with a smirk on his handsome face. “But then I’ve never thought about setting up camp on the sofa and just going at it”
His words make me blush, as my head is filled with pics of sat on the sofa, naked and stroking his cock, till he comes. I giggle and let out a sigh. “so, we good now?” he asked with a warm smile on his face.
“I guess so, but I feel at a disadvantage here. I mean you’ve seen my boobs and ….” I get out before he cuts me off before I can finish.
I saw one really nice boob” he say’s adding “What do you want me to do to even it up Jo, whip my dick out and start wanking in the kitchen?” he says with a tone full of humour, but now all I can think about is how much I want to see his cock. I meet his eyes with a shy nerves smile, blushing from head to toe. “Is that it Jo you want to see my Cock?” he asks
Blushing even harder, if that is possible, I croak out a “Yeah, I really want to see Your Dick”
Laughing and shaking his head, he says “fine, but once this is over, we are going back to normal ok? Grabbing my hand in his and dragging to his bed room he casually adds “I’m Going to need a little inspiration though”

 

Masturbation Monday.

Masturbation-Monday-badge-1

broken brained, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Uncategorized

Pixie’s Prompt – three questions, 300 words.

Pixie’s Prompt – three questions, 300 words.
Answer the 3 questions in 300 words or less, but giving reasoned answer.

1) An important person in your life: My Great Aunty May. Simply because she is an amazing woman. Strong minded, open, and clever. She has taught me some many things about being who I am. She is a feisty lady, who is farce and brave, even when she’s not. But the thing I love about her the most is the fact she has been there every step of the way of my recovery. From hospital, to coming home, to remarrying and becoming a mum, she ha been there. Oh, and she can tell the boss man what to do!

2) A thing your life has in excess: Love, my life is full of love. Whether that is giving love, being loved, or feeling love. Some many different types of love. For friends, lovers, family, or my babies. I never thought it was possible to feel this much love and I’m a very blessed lady to have this amount of love in my life.

 

3) How you procrastinate: Well I don’t really! No, I do, but I also must have a lot of structure in my days, or I feel very stressed and like I’m just waiting time. That would then make me panicky and anxious and no one wants that. I guess I do like Pinterest and twitter quite a lot. I also enjoy stripping down to my panties and a t-shirt, turning up the music and dancing round the kitchen. Also, a big fan of taking long baths and naps. But then I am also happy to spend the day writing or to clean for a few hours. For me life is about balance and priorities.

See i can write something in under 300 words!

Hugs,

Pixie

broken brained, From the heart, musings of pixie heart., Uncategorized

Anger is an energy…

Anger is an energy.
Right let me start by say, yep totally ripped of John Lydon book. Now moving on to what this blog post is about shall we?! Well in a nut shell it’s about anger, how people see and treat it, and how it affects me and how I deal with it.
Anger is kind of the elephant in the room for a lot of people or a sort of forbidden emotion. I mean pretty much every other emotion is accepted, if not welcome. But poor old anger is always seen as a negative emotion and something you’re not meant to show. But like all things we try to keep hidden, when it finally comes to the surface it can be messy, hurt people and really fuck you up if you don’t deal with it. The way I look at it is, that anger is not always a negative thing, it is a very strong emotion with a lot of energy behind it, needing careful handling, but should not be feared, as we all at some point feel anger.
For me anger was and is a big part of my life, that I work hard on controlling. I know that may sound shocking to some, as online pixie is sweet and innocent, cute and little. With maybe the odd rant or rude word here and there. For the most part you would be right, but the is another side that you don’t see and that is the angry Pixie, who rants rages and has been known to throw plate at the boss man. I know shocking right?! But I am only human, and it is only natural to get angry sometimes. But for me anger has or did for a long time have a negative impact on my life. I was not allowed to show anger at home growing up. My mother would never allow it and my daddy would turn his anger on me in the form of a beating or horrid word. when I hit my teens, I started to have angry outburst, that I now know were due to not dealing with abuse and with having Anxious ADD. But I was lucky that some one saw this and I got sent to an anger magnet therapist and learnt ways to deal with it
For my anger has a few different Face. The is Mrs grumpy face that people get when I’m tired, feel unwell or get woken up by the phone at 6 am. Then the Rage monster, this is when I get mad at people being treated unfairly, people hurting those I love or some numpty cutting me up oh the rounder bout. It is normally accompanied with a lot of swearing, shouting and hot air. Then we have anxious, broken brained angry Pixie. I don’t now when or what this looks like, not as my brain switches off and I can’t function. I have been told I become short, extremally critical and rude with people. Then the is to me the scariest type, the silent sighing type, that I turn in on myself. It’s the one I get when I feel I have fucked something up or not done enough. It is my self-critical side and it frightens the crap out of me. it has in the past led to self harm, anxiety attack, and a few times trying to take my life. It is spiteful, rude, and aggressive and it is always turn in on me. It led to me losing my friends, disliking myself and not try anything.
But with everything I need to do in my life, I say, I’m working on it. Its not gone, but I am living with it. I did this by meeting it head on, challenging it and fighting it. I won’t let it rule my life and I do not deserve to fell like it makes me feel.
I have ways to deal with it, that I have learnt in therapy and from maîtriser. They are:
• Breath – Ok so deep breathing works amazingly well for so many things. But I also have a little mantra I say while doing deep breathing, it is ‘Breath just breath. Keep moving forward, take baby steps if you have too. But keep moving and just breath.’ Saying this brings me back down to a normal level of meness.
• Time out – So yes, I give myself time outs. Simply as turning my phone off, iPod on calming music and I go sit and calm down for 20 mins, not talking or interacting with anyone.
• Walk it off – Again as simple as putting my shoes on and taking a dog for a walk. I come back, and I’m calm and not going to kill anyone.
• Scream about it – Ok so this is always as simply as screaming. It normally involves the boss man taking me to the gym, stick loud music on and making me spare with him. The is highly stress reliving about kicking the crap out of someone.
• Talk or write about it – I see a therapist every 2 weeks and blog as a way of keeping a lid on things.
• Hug it out – ok so this is pure and simply my nana’s idea! When I was a kid, if I got angry instead of telling me off or shouting at me and resulting in me getting angrier. She would make me hug someone. Normally my granddah, her or my great, great aunty win. It was her belief and now mine that you can’t stay mad if your hugging someone.
So that is my take on anger and how I deal with it. I know it must seem a little strange to some but for me it really does work!

Hugs,
Pixie x